You used to be the wind beneath my wings. We grew up our entire lives together. We molded each other daily. We talked, constantly. We had amazing adventures. We listened to all kinds of new music together. We would stay up late at night reading short erotica to each other just for the hell of it. We played video games, and I guided you through my favorites, and you watched me play as well. We had giant imaginations we utilized. We made silly music videos for our own entertainment, usually involving cats. We would explore the woods, and pretend we got lost. We would write stories together, switching every other paragraph just to see where it would go. We would dance and sing “time of my life” every single time we had to part ways, and I’d be so sad as I’d watch you leave. We would sit around a tuna salad bowl, with the cats, and talk about life, while eating and sharing. We had memory pizza, and we would drink, when we were alone. We were side by side, any and every moment we could be. We were always so silly, and we could always be ourselves together. I still have all the videos. I’ll never let them go. You needed me… and I needed you too; and I don’t think you ever noticed that because you were always so caught up in your own insecurity. We had countless inside jokes that I still chuckle about to this day. Bittersweet. I was your FP, you were mine. You depended on me. You had no other friends, you were outcasted. I loved you anyway. You lied constantly about me, about your family, tried to paint us into monsters and yourself as a victim to try to gain sympathy from anyone you wanted to like you at the time. It hurt, but I still loved you anyway. You had random spouts of depression you couldn’t explain, but only because “all of the other kids were doing it” and you wanted to fit in (your words)…. I still loved you anyway. People called you nasty names, and I hugged you tight as you cried and consoled you. Just for you to run to those people, when they started taking notice of you, and you began to evolve into whatever creatures they were at the time… Even though I was disappointed, I still loved you anyway. When you began to abandon our pre-made plans because your new friends wanted to hang out
I was left alone.
But I still loved you anyway.
I had faith you’d return one day to what you were.
You never did.
I still loved you anyway.
I tried not to lose you-but you were someone else. I am still the same me. I finally had to cut you out because you’d become toxic. You were abandoning me so frequently. Giving excuses so constantly. Draining any and all self worth I had until the very end. I finally realized, my childhood sister, was gone. You evolved so far that you are no longer you, and that’s great for you if you’re happy. I still believe you’re still searching for yourself. Still searching for acceptance, because mine was just never good enough. I still dream of you. I dream of how you abandoned me for people who will eventually, abandon you. Compared to my whopping 27 years, before I decided you were sucking up all of my self worth. You were causing me to feel like I was nothing, and I had to let you go. And it was painful. And I got the worst backlash you could imagine, for just trying realize we aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives, to heal and move on.
You abandoned me, but played victim when I decided to let you leave for good.
…. but I still love you anyway.
And I miss you, every day.
But I know we are on two different paths now.
I wish you the best, however, and I really hope your new shiny, happy friends are worth it and help you hold your head high like I did, all those years.
Because I’m not there to do it anymore.
And I won’t be, ever again.
Because of how often you’ve done this to me.
How often you’ve used me.
How often you’ve abandoned me.
I broke the cycle.
But I’m happy for you.
I miss you. And I love you….
Anyway.
germansingergirl
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