“When I’m with you, I can be the person I am when I’m alone.”
i’m glad you can feel that at ease. i’m glad you’ve reminded me that humans can still trust each other in this day and age. i’m glad you’ve encouraged me to do the same. i’m glad we can learn about ourselves and each other in this way.
but i’m a little different from you at the moment. i don’t always like the person i am when i’m alone. i actually despise it sometimes. it’s complicated. i suppose it’s not my fault necessarily, but its not socially acceptable. that means i have certain tendencies or behaviorisms that are the outcome of what happened to me, but most people i know don’t share that same experience, so its usually deemed “abnormal.” but i guess i believe it. you don’t deserve to walk down all the paths i have to walk down.
it sure is sad, coming to this conclusion. knowing that i will never be able to have someone carrying me through the darkness.
now that i think about it, there was this christian poem thing we had in my house’s bathroom in ann arbor. i wonder if it’s still there. it was titled “footprints in the sand.” i’m looking it up online right now. it reads:
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
now i remember reading this as a kid and thinking, wow, how touching and hopeful. as if it meant that i wouldn’t have to go through suffering ever and bear any pain alone. and then the whole thing happened and i lost all faith in christianity because i felt truly helpless and alone. went through a lot of shit to learn on my own; did plenty damage, and lost plenty on the way. yet i also gained a lot. i think i always felt it before, but at one point, i really started seeing it. some kind of a force. a gravitational push and pull. a polarity. i would be swallowed in an abyss of almost no return one day, then be sky high, exhilarated, in utter bliss another day.
yeah. so i started seeing something and i’m revisiting this poem now and i think it’s true. well. i’m not too sure about the part of an actual physical (spiritual?) divine entity existing, but i am sure about the part where there are only one set of footprints. i guess if “the Lord” was this analogy for the concept of... good? love? then it would make perfect sense.
you can’t walk down that path with me because no human can. but something can. this concept. i don’t know exactly what it is. but i’ve seen it in many different forms and many different moments in life (and in books) already so i’m convinced it’s there. i suppose that something is preserving my life in those moments when i’m horribly anguished, weak, convulsing, decrepit. i’m lost in the depths of my mind but this something is calm, gentle, always there but passive. it’s there for me if i want to choose life. it can carry me back to the path where you are standing, waiting for me; i just have to have the strength and courage to choose it. and then i can wipe away my tears, plant my feet back onto the ground, grab your hand, and go with that choice.
so no, when i’m with you, i may not always be able to be the person i am when i’m alone. but your acceptance of me, your willingness, and your support - that empowers me to return to the path you are on. to reach for that light; to be the best person i was made to be.
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