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The Textgiving Special

Bob: Hello!

Dan: is this working?

Bob: Yes.

Dan: magical

Bob: I guess.

Dan: Riki Lindhome is on an episode of Gilmore Girls.

Bob: That's great. Are you in season 2?

Dan: Just started 3.

Dan: I've been watching the entire time I play Far Cry.

Bob: Wow, I haven't seen season 2 or 3? I came in late and only watched season 1 after it ended.

Dan: What have you seen?

Bob: I want to say I came in at 4 and finished the series.

Dan: That seems weird to me that you never went back.

Bob: I went back for season 1.

Bob: Listen, it wasn't all on Netflix back when I was watching it. And DVRs might not have been a thing yet.

Dan: Love finds a way. Also life. And dinosaurs.

Dan: Did you see that dumb teaser for Jurassic World?

Bob: There were SEVERAL barriers to entry.

Bob: No.

Bob: Also, is this it? are we doing it?

Dan: All it was was a glass of water rippling.

Bob: Dumb.

Dan: Does it seem like there's a delay?

Bob: I have no idea.

Dan: It's probably fine.

Bob: Tell me right when you send it... then we'll know.

Dan: As to whether or not this is the thing, I'll leave that up to you. Mostly because I'm still confused about it.

Dan: Now!

Bob: I got it!

Dan: It's perfect!

Bob: This might as well be it. all that can be our, now classic, preamble. Then we'll come in strong with an intro.

Bob: 3

Bob: 2

Bob: 1

(Bob and Dan switch chat program)

Dan: it seems faster

Bob: yeah

Dan: wooooo

Bob: Now we're cooking with tonic!

Bob: ...that's the saying right?

Dan: Yes. It was impossible to exist in the 90s without getting a little tonic slang on ya

Bob: You're not going to believe this, but sometimes I miss the 90s.

Dan: Slap bracelets, powder muskets... what's not to love?

Bob: All the crime.

Dan: Did you save a copy of the google chat? I'm going to close mine down.

Bob: I didn't but I think it stays.

Dan: that's some future cloud shit right there son

Dan: we were probably experiencing cloud related lag

Bob: It's spooky, I mean 1984 right?

Dan: The best year? Correct.

Bob: I imagine all time before I existed was the best year.

Bob: So, correct.

Dan: Convince me to go see Interstellar even though it's three hours long.

Bob: Wait for it come out on home video and watch it in chunks.

Dan: I said convince me, damn it!

Bob: Do it you ... you ... dumb guy. Ladies like people that can watch something for three hours in one sitting.

Dan: I'll do anything for the ladies. AN. E. THING.

Bob: I know how much of a poon hound you are.

Dan: It's usually hyphenated, but that's for noticing.

Dan: *thanks

Bob: I apologize.

Dan: So a bunch of buttholes are already lined up in front of the best buy near me.

Bob: That's crazy. Is there anything worth it? or they just there for the experience?

Dan: Nothing could possibly be worth lining up six days early for.

Dan: Makes me feel slightly better about my own consumerism.

Bob: Oh, that's right! I forgot how far away black Friday was. ...You should feel good. EVERYONE not at a Best Buy right now should feel good.

Bob: Welcome to the Bob and Dan Cast Textgiving special!

Dan: Text "GIVING" to 4482 to donate

Bob: That's not what it is.

Dan: with your help we can save so many geese!

Bob: That sounds like a great cause. Tell me more.

Dan: Are we not a goose based charity organization? I thought you were CEO.

Bob: Sometimes I forget things. You know that!

Bob: It rings a bell.

Dan: Bells are the goose's natural enemy.

Dan: Messes with their echo location.

Bob: That must be another thing I forgot.

Bob: Geese are more complicated than I remember.

Bob: This is harder than I want it to bo.

Bob: also, there's no spell check.

Dan: Impromptu slam poetry off!

Dan: 30 seconds to come up with a poem

Dan: GO!

Bob: Do I get the 30?

Dan: YES! NOW!

Bob: 30 from now or start now?

Dan: Woods walk, talk stalk, bite the hand that holds the eraser. Be what the others think? Walk on, son!

Bob: the COP says to DROP

Bob: I do NOT

Bob: I'm no PUSHOVER maaaaaaan

Bob: a MAN is what I AM

Bob: I don't need your RULES

Bob: I have RIGHTS

Bob: END

Dan: Sun beam warm comes from the other side, but the grass aint green and I'm mean like a dog don't be that hog taking all my sun, get my gun? I take it back, out back, out of wack, you want to talk? Here's your smack. You love it, you addict.

Dan: I just dozed off for a minute. Are still slamming?

Bob: I used to think we were all people. but some people are not. some are life-suckers. feeding off the good vibes of the everyman. the suckers are just that suckers. don't let them get you down. that's what they want. that's how they get their power. we need to stand to the suckers and take back the night with our crosses, our wood spears, our garlic, our blessed water.

Bob: slam?

Dan: Slam indeed, bro.

Bob: We did some good work there.

Bob: That bit about the warmth coming from the other side. What did you mean by that?

Dan: One side of the house is usually warmer.

Bob: wow.

Bob: I loved the dog imagery in both

Dan: I'm really into dogs and the sun right now.

Bob: I get that.

Bob: Should we take a break and come back?

Bob: Suggest 15ish seconds of a song to listen to.

Dan: Love it.

Dan: Maybe Moonage Daydream?

Bob: Oh, for sure!

Dan: "I'm an aligator! I'm a mama papa coming for you!"

Dan: Do we have to pay Bowie for the song now?

Bob: I don't think WE have to. They should.

Bob: (fading out) "...keep your lectric eye on me)

Dan: (babe)

Bob: Welcome back to the Bob and Dan Cast Textgiving Special.

Bob: To my knowledge, the first ever text podcast. Dan, can you comfirm?

Dan: No. But I can't disprove it either.

Bob: Great! Can we fix typos in post?

Dan: Not a chance.

Bob: poop!

Dan: Want to do a text adventure?

Bob: Want to play a Thanksgiving text adventure

Bob: I was typing that!!!!

Bob: I finished it to make it real

Dan: HOLY FUCKING WHAT?!

Dan: Giving or receiving?

Bob: I'd be happy to do either as long as it starts in a Starbucks.

Dan: You've entered into a Starbucks. It's Thanksgiving. The staff is antsy, but attentive. Soon they will be closing and returning to their families to enjoy the holiday feast. What do you do?

Bob: N

Dan: Be more specific

Bob: Do I need to use cardinal directions?

Dan: That's fine, but you need to attach an action. Look, move...

Bob: move N

Dan: You approach the counter. A young man in a green apron smiles and welcomes you. He inquires as to what brings you to the Starbucks this fine day.

Bob: Say "Hey, Bro. Jus gettin sum java to keep this ol' body movin'. You feel me?"

Bob: Can I do that?

Dan: The young man laughs heartily and confirms that he does indeed "feel you". He asks you for your order and subtly references the fact that the store will be closing in a matter of minutes.

Bob: check watch

Dan: 2:56 PM

Bob: say Are you closing at 3?

Dan: The young smiles and nods.

Dan: man

Bob: order: 20 eggnog lattes

Dan: You do 38 damage to the young man's emotional wellbeing. The two other workers behind the counter do little to hide their groans as they begin making you ridiculous order.

Bob: Smile check wallet

Dan: $2.13

Bob: Say (stalling) My family doesn't eat on Thanksgiving we just get coffee

Dan: The young man strains to smile and nod, but it is clear that he doesn't give a shit about you or your weird family.

Bob: Search: My messenger bag with a Mumford & Sons patch ironed on Subsearch glance around to check for pretty ladies

Dan: Your Mumford Messenger contains one half grapefruit, 8 jordan almonds, and a 1st generation Zune filled with Paula Poundstone heavy episodes of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Dan: There is a single pretty lady waiting in line behind you.

Bob: Do: internal self-satisfied sigh because I know I'm being true to me.

Dan: you do that

Dan: thing

Bob: Check the baristas for weeknesses

Dan: He hates Mondays.

Bob: Hum: That Thing You Do theme

Dan: (...doing that thing you do-oo-oo...)

Bob: Throw 3 of the jordan almonds, one at each worker.

Dan: The other two baristas are addicted to Jordan almonds

Dan: They fall upon their respective almonds, and then, having finished their own, set upon each other, fruitlessly trying to wrench the life giving snack from one another's mouths.

Dan: They both die.

Bob: Say How many lattes are done?

Dan: 4.5

Bob: recheck for ladies

Dan: There are now three ladies, all with a lady factor of 5 or greater.

Bob: move: E

Dan: You bump into one of the new ladies. She fumbles her Creative Labs Nomad, but catches it before it shatters on the ground.

Bob: Remind self: Creative Labs Nomad

Dan: Creative’s first MP3 player was launched in June of 1999. It had 32MB of memory, FM radio, voice recording, and a price tag of $429.

Bob: Say Sweet '3 player. I got a first gen Zune. respect. What you got on there girrrrl?

Dan: Girrrrl says she mostly has Iggy Pop and Mustard Plug. Also one episode of Keith and the Girl.

Bob: Say sweet sweet Action sneak

Bob: Attempt wallet snatch

Dan: wallet snatch successful

Bob: check girrrl's wallet

Dan: Inside Girrrrl's wallet is $40k in bearer bonds, two jordan almonds, and a picture of the current pope.

Bob: Tear Picture of current pope

Dan: As you tear the picture of the pope you notice that Girrrl is bald and wearing sunglasses.

Dan: SNEAK ATTACK!

Dan: Sinead O'Connor reveals herself as Girrrrl and hits you in the thigh for 23 points of holy damage

Bob: Attack: Special: half grapefruit fury

Dan: Sinead O'Connor is blinded by half grapefruit fury and loses her next two turns. Also she becomes vulnerable to ice.

Bob: Say (to barista) How many lattes are we up to now? Action drink extra ice potion I always keep in my knit cap

Dan: The young man cowers below the counter, fearful of Sinead O'Connor's wrath. He completed a single latte.

Dan: Your current latte total is 5.5

Bob: Attack: (Sinead) Zune headphone swing

Dan: Sinead O'Connor is knocked unconscious. The third lady beckons you come closer.

Dan: She is to the west

Bob: move: W

Bob: Assess: thigh damage

Dan: The lady begins to speak in a dark brown voice: Only the very brave and the very stupid dare take on my pet (read: Sinead O'Connor). I wonder which camp you belong to?

Dan: Your thigh is sore.

Dan: -2 to fleeing and jitterbug

Bob: Check dark brown voice for ticks

Dan: No ticks, but you are hit with a sudden intense sense that you know that voice from somewhere.

Bob: Check Dark Brown Voice's clothing/armor

Bob: what she got on?

Dan: She wears a black dress with a large, red A sticked into the front of it. Also she got curves for days.

Bob: say who are you? and nice curves. Do you work out at a Curves?

Dan: She smiles and says, "Yes, I do. And thank you for noticing. And I'm Emma Stone. Sorry I answered your questions backward. Now prepare to die."

Bob: action Mumford defend

Dan: You raise your bag to defend against Emma's flurry of kicks and jabs, but to no avail. She laps seven hits for a total of 42 points of husky voiced damage.

Dan: You are no vulnerable to lip biting.

Bob: ask: first lady for help

Dan: now

Dan: First lady appears to be dead. Emma must of killed her when you weren't looking or something. It's all very upsetting,

Bob: Action start playing a Paula P heavy episode of WWDTM, turn the volume all the way up. Attempt to get headphones on Miss Stone

Bob: Pray

Dan: Mystified by the beauty of your 1st gen Zune, Emma misses you pushing the earbuds into her ears. She moves to retaliate, but Paula Powndstone is in the middle of an anecdote and Emma is compelled to hear how it ends.

Dan: Prayers answered

Bob: Say That one was for the bug man upstairs Attempt Grab all the finished lattes

Bob: He meant to say bug man

Dan: Emma smiles, assuming you mean Spiderman.

Dan: You manage to grab 3.5 lattes

Bob: clarify: I pray to a giant katydid

Bob: Move: Top Speed: S

Dan: Your giant katydid appears like magic outside the coffee shop, saddled and waiting.

Bob: Jump: in the saddle. Pay respects to the baristas that I senselessly killed with my jordan almonds throw $2.13 on the floor

Say (to Emma knowing she can't hear me) Maybe in a different time and a different place, and if the Bush Cricket Wars weren't so bad, we could've been together.

Dan: The giant katydid, both your best friend and god, takes off into the sky with you aboard. There you find inner peace and seven chocolate oranges.

Bob: Sometimes I wish Thanksgiving never ended.

Dan: But then it wouldn't be so dang magical.

Bob: You're right. Let's take another break, come back, and end this thing.

Dan: (theme from Big Mamma's House)

Bob: (fading out) "and that's why it's called big mamma's house... big mamma's house"

Bob: We did it!

Dan: I always believed.

Bob: I don't have your faith, but that's what makes you SUCH a good person.

Dan: No argument here.

Dan: Anyways. It's several hours past my bedtime.

Bob: I'm sorry.

Dan: I'm off work, so it's ok.

Dan: I'm just finding it hard to not be asleep

Bob: Thanks for doing this. It's going to make lots of people happy

Bob: We don't have to... but do you want to bang out a quick Cuties of the Week to end on?

Dan: Top 5.

Bob: Yes, the usual

Dan: #5 - Imogene Coca

Bob: super cute!

Bob: #4 Charlie Brown ... he just wants to find the Great Turkey in the turkey patch and it's just so cute.

Dan: I'm pretty sure that's Linus, but whatevs SO CUTE

Bob: So cute

Dan: #3 - Alf

Bob: #2 Meg White. I mean come on! Give the girl some credit.

Dan: The. Cutest.

Bob: (more theme from Big Mamma)

Dan: And the number 1 cutie of the week is....

Bob: Brenda Vaccaro!!!!

Dan: Remember when she did that thing! Soooooo cute!

Dan: It's like, I totally know who she is and she is super cute!

Bob: A career spanning 5 decades.... SUPER CUTE

Dan: Honorable mention: The entire cast of Mama's Family!

Bob: Oh, respectfully cute

Dan: Did you know that the cast of Mama's Family once saved the cast of Perfect Strangers from a tour bus fire?

Bob: I did know that, but it's nice to be reminded about because it's such a great story. And I think it reminds us all to give thanks.

Dan: Happy Textgiving, everybody!

Bob: Happy Textgiving.

Dan, as always, I love you.

Dan: (DAN UNAVAILABLE)

Dan: (EMOTIONALLY)

Bob: (every Cake song plays)

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