*at a cafe. two friends are having a conversation.*
Person: *absentmindedly stirring coffee* Do you ever feel like you’re not really living? Like you’re just existing? Barely getting by?
Friend: Well, I mean those two words, “living” and “existing,” they basically mean exactly the same thing.
Person: No, they’re… well, I don’t know. But there’s a different connotation. They’re used in different ways.
Friend: Here, I’ll show you *pulls out giant unabridged dictionary and slams it down on the table*
Friend: This depressive state you are in is based on the false premise that these two words mean different things. Allow me to disabuse you of this affliction.
Person: It’s not about the words man. I was trying to say that I—
Friend: Aha here it is: to exist is to “have objective reality or being.” and to live is “to be alive.” So there you have it, you’re cured! *claps book shut loudly*
Other patrons in the cafe: Oh my god was that a gunshot? I think someone just shot a gun let’s get tf out of here
*everyone stampedes out of the cafe*
Person: Okay first of all, there are way more definitions of those words then what you just told me. And second of all, just because that old dictionary has those definitions doesn’t mean there isn’t semantic difference in the way people use those words.
Friend: Wow dude I’m just trying to help you, you don’t have to get so mad about it. This dictionary has been in my family for generations and for you to insinuate that it might be wrong is honestly the most insulting thing you could have said to me.
Person: What’s the point of all this ostentation? I know you’re lying about the book because when you invited me here today you said you just bought a giant dictionary at the used bookstore and you were gonna bring it with to show me. Besides, dictionaries go out of date all the time. It’s not that they’re wrong, per se, it’s that language evolves over time and the dictionary needs to evolve to document those changes.
Friend: Whetever dude. I’m just glad I was able to ease your existential anxiety. Hey, where did everybody go? This place was packed when we got here.
Person: Actually you didn’t help me at all and you scared everyone away when you closed the dictionary shut. They thought it was a gunshot.
Friend: That sounds correct in theory, but I don’t believe you are viewing this situation objectively. You see, I did not slam the book shut, as you are implying. I merely closed it.
Person: I agree with you that you did indeed close the book shut, but from where I’m sitting it looks like that adverb you used, “merely,” is a bit too soft. I would have said, “loudly” closed the book. Or perhaps “violently.”
Friend: You are absolutely 100% correct. One minor point I would nitpick on is that I did not close the book with a loud noise. It was very quiet, and the adverb I used reflects the fact that it was quiet. So you’re right that I should use a different adverb, but I should instead have perhaps used, “quietly.”
Person: For once I agree with you. The adverb, as I have pointed out, was inadequate. However, since the noise the book made was indeed, as you say, quite loud, I believe the word choice should have reflected this. Perhaps if you were speaking facetiously you could use the word “quietly,” but you must emphasize the ironic nature of this adverb by accompanying it with other verbal or non-verbal cues.
Friend: Hm yes I see what you mean. Perhaps it would be useful to go back over exactly step by step what happened so we can understand the situation correctly. Let me explain to you in detail what I did. First, I grabbed both covers of the dictionary. Ever so gently, I brought the two together until the pages laying neatly against each cover came together, making nary a sound. Then I pulled this gun out of my waistband and shot you in the chest.
Person: Ah yes, I see it now. I am in reality bleeding profusely from my chest, and it is only now that I am noticing the gun laying on the table. Now here, at the end of my life, do I realize that existence itself is a precious gift, a gift that I have squandered. I have learned my lesson, ghost.
Friend who was actually a ghost this whole time: I’m glad to hear it. Let us return you to your life, Mr. Scrooge.
Person who was actually Mr. Scrooge this whole time: *wakes up in bed* Wow that was a strange dream. I wonder what it means…
Orphan: *walk into Scrooge’s bedroom* Hello Mr Scrooge. I am a poor orphan, and I have never truly had the chance to live. I have existed, perhaps, but there is clearly a distinction between merely existing and really, truly living. Perhaps you could help me.
Scrooge: *pulls gun out of nightstand and aims at the child* ah yes, I now know what to do. Thank you ghost. Cheers.
Ghost, watching from the fireplace: Cheers.
Paroxysmic24, naked, badly beaten, in a dismal basement: I don’t know… should I really post this?
Alternate universe version of paroxysmic24, holding a gun to his head: You don’t have a choice.
Paroxysmic24: *sighs* Cheers.
