I am NOT bPd!!

My life as a mom of teenagers with BPD

[bpdmomblog]

Starting to really see this disorder for what it truly is!!!!

Working so damn hard to beat this hell. Started Depakote and I think I may have finally found the med to keep me stable during the days... Have cut my sister out of my life. Absolutely broke my heart because I said I would never do it but how can you help yourself when you're totally involved 24/7 trying to save someone else?  You can't!! I'm learning that I need to come first!!! I need to stop trying to save everyone else and save ME!!!!! I deserve happiness and joy just as much as anyone else does. She calls it "walking away".... I call it.. doing what I need to do to help myself and stop being dragged down by all her friggin negativity!!! Freedom feels bittersweet!!!!

[bpdmomblog]

10 posts!  Yay me!!!

[bpdmomblog]

Happy Birthday to me

Actually not feeling as shitty as I did on this day last year. Maybe that is because of another year of therapy and the meds... who knows? So far so good I guess. Wishing there were flowers on my desk but there is a lovely Pandora bracelet on my wrist so I should be grateful but yet why is there that constant longing to be "noticed" and "acknowledged even more"??? I hope one day this feeling goes away because it makes me feel like an egomaniac! My own mother forgot when my actual birthday was... what a shocker!!! Family is so overrated. Time to count on the people who truly love and care about me for support and encouragement to keep fighting this fight!!!!

[bpdmomblog]

Family

The never ending fighting between two sisters with BPD. One much worse than the other. One working hard every single day to get out of the hole that tries to swallow her daily and one who relishes being in that hole and will probably never find her way out of it because she doesn't want to. she wants the world to feel sorry for her day and night. It's so sad. I will probably lose my sister and my mother over a simple misunderstanding because of my sisters' BPD. I've already lost one brother and the other brother to in-fighting, dad's gone and now I'm probably going to lose all I have left over something so stupid. Two years of therapy have done her no good. She gets crap care from crap Doc's because of her insurance where I am getting top notch care from amazing doctors and therapists. Who wins here? Nobody!! My heart just aches at the thought of losing what is left of my family :(.... because of BPD!!! 

[bpdmomblog]

when does it stop?????

Almost two years of this hell and some days I feel like it will never end!!! My family is at its Witts end with me and my constant crying and breaking down. If they only would listen and try to hear my words but they don't. They are too body to deal with their fucked up mom who can't keep her stuff straight for more than a day or two together. I had so hoped after being hospitalized that they would realize this battle but they don't seem e changed an iota. Just back to the normal, mom do it all and deal with it. I some days feel like they purposely push my buttons to see what happens. How far they can push me before I break. Not much more you guys. Not much more. I am walking a very VERY fine line!!! 

[bpdmomblog]

first hospitalization

Well, this week I got to enjoy my first hospitalization due to my bpd!!! What fun!!! And as awesome as social media can be for  these types of things they can also be a double edged sword. My 17 y/o daughters ex- boyfriend was privy to this information and decided to pass it along to his new girlfriend who spread it all over for the world to see!! I have  never seen my daughter so upset before!!! It makes me sick how cruel people can be and how much I have  worried my kids. If I was hospitalized for cancer would that have been ok? Sorry my body an& my head needed a break from life. First time  in 40 years so that isn't too bad!!! If you know no  of what you speak..... keep your mouth shut!

[bpdmomblog]

it's. sunday again

Not feeling nearly as bad as I was a week ago but I have had to endure the week from he'll to get here. Time to start putting myself first!!!!!!!I can't even remember the last time I did that. It is now my time! Carle diem!!!!

[bpdmomblog]

Another bpd weekend

It seems sad to me that by Sunday I actually look forward to going back to work. At least the people I work with understand me an  my mood swings and my "issues". Nobody at home cares to or even tries to understand this godforsaken he'll I live every single second of everyday. No sleep, my head never ceases to amaze me that it can find something new everyday to throw at me that I have to deal with. I had hoped after almost two years of battling this I would be so much closer to where  I wanted  to be. But now I don't even know where the hell that is. I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. I hate where I am I in my head today. Bad thing just replaying over and over again with no end in site.... what do I do? Where do I belong? I feel more everyday that it is NOT where I am now. But how do you turn your back on your kids? But then I think they deserve so much better than what I can give them at this point. What a failure :-(

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The darkness

Emptiness and loneliness are distinctly different emotional experiences. Whereas loneliness results from loss and evokes sadness, emptiness results from deprivation and triggers anger.

[iwillbeatbpd]

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Dead on!!!!!!

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another fun day in the life of bpd

16 yr old who knows everything,  14 y/o notching because  he needs a haircut and I seem to b  the only person who can rectify all the Griffin problems. Awesome bpd group last night. Best therapists ever. Well let see  what Tuesday brings.

[bpdmomblog]

bad bpd day

Being a mom with bpd sucks. Having a husband or wife who doesn't care about helping u doesn't help too much either. One who criticizes your every move and word because they feel u r too stupid or incompetent to carry on with adult responsibilities!!!!!!! Gonna cost u a good woman and 22 years together because u r not a smart person. I however, AM!!!!!! I deserve better and will have happiness!!!!!!!!