In My Head

I made this page for me. ~T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

[brain-scribblr]

[brain-scribblr]

So many people care about me, but that means nothing if you don’t care. I just want you to care about me.

~T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

Anorexia

That skinny siren that beckons me to death

I answered her call in fifth grade

“Girl don’t you wanna be skinny?” She sang

So during meal times I somehow convinced everyone that I was just “too tired” to eat

6th grade I came into that middle school with a hot new thin body and a starving soul

But the boys who picked on me suddenly wanted me around so I was okay right?

I left that siren alone but the faint whispers of her song lived in me as my inner critic

I called it “making better food choices” and “working hard in the gym”

Because that sounds healthier right? I told that siren I didn’t need her anymore.

Till that day came

I’m 20 now. And that day I stepped on the scale

I gained 12. more. pounds.

I am 5’ 3” and I weigh 152.2 pounds

The sirens song is sounding sweeter to me now.

I’ve made my bed at the edge of the plank.

I hear her song so clearly.

I am inclined to give in again.

Anorexia.

My old friend.

I want to be thin again

~T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

Your body is beautiful

More wondrous than any renaissance figure

Every inch ideally crafted to my eyes

You are everything this being desires

to say I’ve been blessed by your touch

To say I’ve been warmed by your embrace

Is an understatement

To be admired in the gaze of such a man

Makes me feel dangerous

~ T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

Life has taught me that certain parts of me are undesirable

My hip dips, my oddly shaped breasts, my knock knees...

But others are hyper-sexualized

My my butt, my thick thighs, even my locs...

Subconsciously I dress to highlight my desirable parts

But not too much as to gain the wrong kind of attention

I’m ashamed, yet confident

Sexy, yet destroyed

Insecure, confused, and every time someone says I’m beautiful I question it

Because how can you be so sure when I’m not even sure myself?

~T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

I hate my life

I’m drowning in it

It’s a bottomless abyss

It’s suffocating

Life is killing me

You understand!?

Life is freaking killing me.

~T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

I just want love.

What’s so hard about that?

I mean I know I’m scared of love.

I mean I know I don’t believe someone is capable of loving me,

but is it selfish of me to expect someone to come along and prove me wrong?

~T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

At the end of the day

It was never about the words I wrote

It was never about the songs I sang

It was never about recognition or fame

It was and will always be about a pricked heart and a changed mind

Even if it’s just my own.

~ T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

I cut myself

Every cut a word I wasn’t brave enough to say

Because I was scared of hurting you

I hurt me

Beads of blood shed just to keep you near

Because I was scared of hurting you

I hurt me

You found those cuts

and what you told me next made me stop

Because I was scared of hurting you

I hurt me

But hurting me hurt you

Because you loved me

~ T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

Accuse me

Cast the blame

It’s what I’m used to

always the same

Excuse me

But your attitude was far from tame

you never see you

You only have eyes to see my stains

It’s crazy

How you attach negative words to my name

But I guess when the spotlights not on you

All you can to is cast shade

So accuse me

Cast your blame

It’s what I’m used to

And I’ve accepted that you’ll never change

~T.C

[brain-scribblr]

You told me that you were so sure

That this would be forever

You told me that we were a divine match

And that we belonged together

But then you changed your mind

And I just don’t understand

How you let me give you all my love

And now here I stand

Alone.

~T.C.

[brain-scribblr]

You know that moment in the movies

Guy sees girl, and the world slows

She smiles and in his eyes the world glows

When will I be that girl?

Or is that just just cinematic deception

Creating false hopes of maybe being someone’s one exception

Someone’s “I’d only quit my games for her”

Someone’s “I’d only give my last name to her”

Someone’s exceptional woman

[brain-scribblr]

I’m not the girl you used to know

I don’t think I’ll ever be her again

I’m a woman now

And I’ve seen too much pain

I’m not the girl you used to know

I don’t think I’ll ever be her again

I’m a woman now

My once pure vision of the world has been stained

I’m not the girl you used to know

I’m not sure if that’s good or bad

All I know is I’m a woman now

And the nostalgia of girlhood is all I have

[brain-scribblr]

You never deserved access to me, but I gave it to you anyway because I was stupid enough to allow my only requirement for entry to be potential.

[brain-scribblr]

I don’t think I’ve ever been as broken as when I’ve got it all together.

[brain-scribblr]

If a tree falls by:me

If a tree falls, in the forest

When no one is around

If a tree falls, in the forest

Does it make a sound?

If today was the day that I decide to fade a way

Would you hear me now?

If you were deaf while I was living

Would you hear when I hit the ground?