Sir and I had an awful afternoon while out. Miscommunication ruled the moment. In a panic and desperate, I used my harshest words to make a point and grab his attention. An important point perhaps, but nothing was worth what I said.
We got home and it continued in the privacy of our bedroom. Tears. Strife. I felt lost in the chaos of feelings. Feelings that twisted the meanings of words. Sir lectured, tried to find our footing. Restore a bit of balance. But I wasn’t ready. It had gone on too long, and I was feeling righteous. Indignant.
Sir had enough and left our bedroom. To cool down, to give me space. Frustrated, I threw my iPhone as hard as I could. It smashed into the doorframe of the closet. The screen shattered. It’s the first time I recall throwing anything, and what a thing to pick. Its probably the most expensive personal belonging I’ve ever owned.
Sir immediately came back in, and he ordered me outside to our patio without my phone. I was told to stay there, to wait for him. I complied, but felt defiant. Adrenaline flowed through me. After a brief wait, he came and got me. We talked a bit, but it didn’t feel productive. I still was resistant. He gave me space.
Eventually my defiance left and regret took hold. Sir called me to his side, and I knelt for him. We held each other. I knew then everything would be ok. By the next morning, feelings were well resolved. Sir and I talked about it over the next couple days. About how throwing things and my choice of words were unacceptable. How to better handle similar situations overall. What I needed, what he needed. Apologies were given and meant on both sides.
But I still felt a lingering restlessness. I had my phone fixed. $185 for an inferior screen. The speakers are broken. My reception seems to be suffering. I’ve wasted time and money, money we could have used for so much more. I know what I would’ve done to me, what punishment I thought I deserved. But Sir chose compassion and natural consequences.
For as long as I have been interested in relationships at all, I have craved accountability from a loving partner. And I’ve found it, and I’m living it with a measure of success. But at times I still struggle with where the lines are.. How much accountability can I expect from my Master? How much is left to me? What does accountability even look like? Can I separate it from punishment? Should I? Should he? These are questions for us to work out, but I also wanted to spend time examining my needs and desires to have an informed conversation.
These questions come up every now and then when I have a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. For my small and medium infractions and attitude issues, Sir is incredibly consistent. The stakes are lower. The lines crossed are clear. The cause is usually not anything we’d dwell on. A quick correction or punishment, a conversation.. and we’re good. I’m good.
But sometimes I can be downright awful. And when I’m awful, Sir often feels some responsibility in whatever drove me to be awful. Or at least empathy. So once we get past the awful, he seems to default to discussion. Strategizing. What went wrong, what we could have done better, and how to be better moving forward. It’s healthy. It’s important. It leaves me in awe of his insight and intelligence. But it also leaves some part of my subbie brain unsettled.
I find I still want consequences from my Master. Punishment. To be held accountable for my part in the awful or for being awful, even if Sir feels some responsibility. It doesn’t have to be just or fair. There’s no equality in outcome required. Sir can acknowledge his role in the issue, while still holding me to my role as his submissive. And holding us both to our dynamic. To what we’ve agreed to, to what works. And maybe it’s because of how I see accountability and punishment. Not as retribution, but as restoration. A way to put things back as they were, as they should be. Maybe it’s simply because I have some hardwired need for punishment to function in a relationship.
The counter to that is I also want Sir to decide. To lead as is his wont. It’s not as if he leaves anything unaddressed. He is not slacking in his responsibilities. He still is and acts as my Master, even in and after those rare awful times. His dominance permeates those important conversations. I often receive his message on my knees, on his terms. He doesn’t just let things slide. It’s addressed as he sees fit. He reminds me of my place. I want to follow his lead, to find my satisfaction in his decisions. To have my needs met in his desires.
After all that, I’m still left with questions to explore. Is my lingering unease simply selfish? Am I trying to control his actions, wanting things my way? Or is it the result of some deeper need? What separates needs from desires?
What I do solidly know that I find peace in submission. Peace in belonging to my Master. Nothing has changed there. I want to be at my best for him, and that means continuing to grow and explore.
