Musicals by John Mulaney
(Edit 10/18) Thank you all!!
Ps there’s more now.
Book of Mormon:
I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.
Heathers:
Adult life is already so goddamn weird.
Phantom of the Opera:
God can’t hear you.
Dear Evan Hansen:
And I said “no” you know, like a liar.
Mean Girls:
13 year olds are the meanest people in the world. They will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They’ll be like “Hey, look at that high-waisted man. He got feminine hips.”
West Side Story:
Every new song is about how “Tonight is the night” and how “We only have tonight.” That’s such 19 year old garbage.
Rent: *aggressive push* Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town.
Chicago:
“Get away from my wife!” “No one talk to my wife!” “I didn’t kill my wife!”
Les Mis:
🎶Bread is God is Bread🎶
Cabaret:
College is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not gonna do anything else for you!
Cats:
Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken!
Mary Poppins:
Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.
Bonnie and Clyde:
Here’s how easy it was to get away with a bank robbery back in the ‘30’s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.
Anastasia:
Was there even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?
Newsies: I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?”
Cinderella: My vibe is more like, “Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.”
Hamilton: And then for a second we were like “maybe the horse catcher will catch the horse” and then the horse is like “I have fired the horse catcher”. He can do that?? That shouldn’t be allowed no matter who the horse is. I don’t remember THAT in Hamilton…
Wicked: “Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?”
Fame: That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, in a gown, to accept a certificate for reading books that I didn’t read.
A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder: SHUT UP, YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE. STREET SMARTS.
Avenue Q: Sit down, sit down, SIT DOWN. I wanna talk about what happened yesterday. We invite a woman here with homemade puppets to teach you about bullying, through skits, and you laugh at this woman??
Sweeney Todd: “How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?” And then I got cheated on, and I was like, “Oh, okay.”
Into the Woods: Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night being like, “Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk.” And the farmer was like, “Well, then, this is your cow now.” And he was like, “No, no proof of purchase.” And he ran off into the night. That sounded Dutch, right?
