Broland Hash

[brolandhash]

Broland Burns (or babbles)...

I have never seen such a fire so bright. I want to press that burn into my frame, but I cannot. I am a stick man in a trench coat, wearing a hat. I am highly flammable, and I have crime to solve. More on that later. I am back to the flame.

The burn starts to light up my literal stick frame just a little bit. Enough to feel, enough of me to know that I am right there, pressing forward but like a sparked match, just the tip.

I awaken wetter than driftwood washed up from a lonely sea adventure. I have been around the world it seems, and I need to dry out. A flame warms me as I walk closer. Something about it feels very familiar and I find myself wanting to press those flames into my frame almost like a dream coming true, but I resist. Being as naked as the flame I am likely to catch a slow burn seeing as I am so wet but that appeals even less than a quick burn. Sitting back, I take solace in my thoughts about thinking as to how I might remember this feeling that I have felt before, but it was seemingly a long time ago or at least very recent, but I have forgotten somewhat. Butt, butt, butt.

I am often lonely, though I have my work. Sometimes work is enough. Sometimes enough is not enough and I crave for the flame to lighten my existence not in weight but in well I guess there is an element of heavy to my life that the light does lift. It is the warmth that lifts my spirits, my heart rate, and my trench coat. The lust for ferocious bare flame that draws me so near I feel the burn but stay for the raw heat crackling my drying wood mount I mean body.

I ache, I stiffen and at the same time I feel weak. I can feel myself being kept for far too long and the pain is becoming clear. I am on fire; I am on fire? Oh dear, I am on fire. I am dry, I am breaking, and I cannot move away. My legs have been burnt off. I am in trouble. I cannot walk, I cannot run, I cannot breathe, and I cannot look away. I retreat. I drag myself as far as I can to be as free as I can still in pain but physically free. Back to the drawing board where I may once again be given my physical freedom to its fullest. I draw back on my own legs and get up to leave. To leave my stick heart on the floor behind me and feel another grow in its place. I will heal, in time, in another place. I am back, I am back to lay detective once more! Ah, I had fallen back asleep, and I now realise I have wet the bed.

Luck! Bring me fresh sheets! Fetch my hat! Fetch my trench coat! It is again time to play detective. We have crimes to solve. And this time, like last time, it is no game.

‘Meow…’.

[brolandhash]

Broland at the Roller Disco

It was night time and at night time, I need to find lights to turn me on, to turn on rather. A little bit of both. Light switches are my buttons. Sometimes. Where will I find lights that are not in my house as those lights I see all the time when it is dark and I am not in the mood for seeing things that I see all the time when I turn them on? Luck, where are other lights that are not the lights inside my living area that is your living area too that do also not come through the window as moon lights because they are unreliable and pretty and sometimes not their because pretty things always leave me. You don’t leave me Luck, you stay here with me. Good job Luck. Have a treat. I do not have any treats so yours your imagination while you think of a place that has lights that are not the lights inside the place that we both live. We see these lights all the when the darkness is outside. I have explained this already ooooh look at the pretty moon.

 Where was I and where has the last twenty minutes gone? Oooooh look at the pretty moon, she has come back for me. So shiny, so bright, so outside... Luck, we are heading outside in search of light. Grab your extra furry coat it might be cold outside. You will not need your non furry raincoat or any raincoat at all. This should be obvious to you. Look at the moonlight out the window. This is a good sign that you will not be needing any sort of raincoat this evening, on our adventure to look for light. No, no you know moonlight will not do Luck. I have detailed this. Don’t be stupid, stupid Cat. Don’t you walk away from me into the other room! OK you go get ready in that other room like I told you. Now to find my trenchcoat. I have been here talking to luck naked, again. There is something wrong with that cat but I cannot quite put my stick finger on it. I must investigate what is wrong with Luck after we have found the light I am in search of. Luck, let us go now into the night time and find all that matters right now.

 We are outside now. It isn't even cold, why are you wearing that furry coat? Stupid cat. Did, did you just roll your eyes at me? And again? You did it again! That's it, where is your leash? In my hand you say? So it is. Very well then you stick with me and we will find the illusive light for which we search. Yes, you are a part of this search and you want the light as much as I do. You probably want it even more than me and are planning to steal the light from me when we find it and then sell it on the black market! I am onto you Luck! All this time you have been with me has led to this moment where I would begin the search for the light. Biding your time until I lead you to the light, all this time plotting, scheming. Oh my feelings. You have hurt them. I thought we were friends. Only friends in this world of darkness and missing light that isn't the light we normally see in the place we live together. Yes, together Luck, you and me, like one but of course two since there is both of us making more than just one of us. It is simple math really. With two of us there cannot be one, this is not highlander. Is it? No, of course not, don't be silly. There can be two since there are two of us. Throws the entire 'there can only be one' theory right out that window that the moonlight was coming in through. Pretty moon.

 Right where were we? Where are we even? Oh yes, just outside our door. Yes our door because we live together and we are friends. Friends don't steal their friends light and sell it on the black market Luck. You know this to be true. We will share the light and you will not claw out my jugular as I raise the mighty light to umm light the area where we are. Let's go. Hey, that is not even a coat you are wearing. You sneaky devil Luck. That is just your normal coat not an additional coat worn over the top of your natural coat. Nice accessories you have there. I like the belt and hip flask with hose attachment for easy drink access. I particularly like that it resembles a gas cylinder and nozzles, crazy cat and your accessories. You always look so dangerous but fluffy. Oh so fluffy. So fluffy, warm, caring and innocent. Probably go into shock if you ever so much as had a hairball moment. Back to searching. Stop wasting time accessorizing. We are already outside we must press on now. There is no turning back. We have passed the point of no return. I locked my keys inside.

 Onward. Where shall we search first? Yes I know I am the brains behind this operation but I am seeking input. You have to give a little for the team Luck. OK we will go this way. So many street lights but again these are lights we see all the time, nothing new. This is not exciting, the search is proving fruitless and we are already fifty meters from the front door. Let's give up and go home. No, why would you even make me suggest that? Ridiculous. I will never be deterred from my light search. There, in the distance, something shiny. Past where we can see and around the corner. Downtown, over the bridge, through the park, under the radar, taking the subway full loop and I am lost. But wait, what is this we have here in the gutter? Never mind it is pee. There is pee everywhere around here all the time. Is this your pee Luck? I won't tell anyone if it is, you can trust me. Let's just say it is your pee and move on. I know it's yours. Dirty cat. Beside your pee is something shiny. No you grab it. I am not grabbing that out of your pee. Why did you even pee on it in the first place!? We will move on it is clearly a small mirror from something. From what I wonder... That is enough wondering it must not be important. I mean mirrors can only reflect not actually create light. You would need a light shining on this piece of mirror and probably many other pieces of similar shape and size maybe even in the shape of a some sort of ball. That is of no waaaaaaaaait a minute! Wait, wait, wait I have it! Oh no, I have lost it. Let's just go to the Roller Disco and think out our next plan of attack.  

 We are at the Roller Disco, let's go in. The front area is dark, they should join our search for light. It appears that business would greatly benefit from additional light here at the entrance. Skates please. Luck, how did you know to pack skates? I did not say we were going here until just before we got here... Puzzling but well planned. OK through the heavy light blocking curtains to the rink. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!!! Here it is! We have found it! It is all around us! I feel it on my skin! It feels dirty... There is something not right with this light, something off. There are tingles and goosebumps I feel them both. I also feel as if we are being watched. Yes I see we are on the big screen and that would explain why we are being watched. I didn't see that until after I said it, move on Luck. Why are you still wearing that belt and get up? Never mind, let us get out on the floor and roller boogie. We can certainly get down tonight, get down, get down tonight. No need for self-control here I see. I also see so many tight pants and revealing of snatch outline. Why have we not been here since it opened last week. Makes no sense really. That said I did not know there would be this much snatch around. Hehe snatch. Almost mesmerizing the way they glide around, smooth, elegant, I have fallen down. How are you even doing it right with four legs! Baffling! Your tail is like a roller-rudder, impressive.

 Why has the music stopped? Where has everyone gone and why is there a countdown on the big screen now? So many questions and I have no answers. I knew this light was dirty, I felt it. There is something not right here, not right at all. Oh wait there they are, a show! I best get out of the way. Luck! How did you get in the show!? Don’t you give me the shut-up look. I know that look, stop it. Stop it now. Ooooh shiny disco ball. Disco ball... that is made up of small reflective pieces that appear to be familiar in nature to me. Hmmm I can see it but can't place it. I will go pee and deliberate over this conundrum before me. You stay out there Luck, keep it up and keep an eye on the light. Wait a minute, wait, wait a minute, this is the ladies, sorry. This is better, the trough reminds me of a gutter, a gutter filled with pee though. Pee, in a gutter, shiny disco, shiny disco ball! Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Ah shit I wet myself and my trench coat is still open. I may have drawn attention to myself, this could be bad. Phew that was lucky, they were all still concentrating on the show and probably figured I was just fan-stickgirling the new star of the show Luck. Sweetly covered. I am so good at this undercover stuff. I should start a business that people actually come to. I will do that. Might advertise. Not right now, I have pee on me.

 I best sit down in a darker area and observe. There is still the puzzling nature of the countdown clock on the big screen. Everyone has seemingly been distracted from it watching the show. That one disco girl in the middle seems to have an eye on it though. Watching, smiling, it almost appears evil. She has ginger mittens sewn onto her outfit... No, it couldn't be. A Dr. Ginger Mittens’ henchwoman... Surely not, not here, not at the innocent Roller Disco. I think this is too coincidental that I am here searching for the light and a ginger mitten patch wearing disco skater is present. It couldn't be, it really couldn't but it must. It must be the infamous Disco Derby! What a place to find her! That dastardly quick, agile, fast, mobile, villain who also moves very well, right here in front of my and so close to Luck. I have to distract her for Luck to escape and be safe. Poor Luck probably has no idea the feline peril she is faced with right at this very moment. I must save her, find the light and stop the countdown to whatever it is counting down to! Here goes.

 Oh, my head. What happened? My skate laces, they are tied together. Who did this? When did this happen? Why is there so much fire around the rink and where has Disco Derby escaped to? But first to find Luck, she must be taken to safety. Ow, I forgot to untie my laces and fell down again. What is this here on the ground next to me. A plan, a plan to steal all the skate wheels, strobe lights, disco lights and balls from Roller Discos all over the world and hold them to ransom! This must be what Disco Derby is planning, she must be stopped! Luuuuuuuuuuuuck! Where are you!? Oh hey there luck. What happened to you and where has you belt accessories gone? You used them up? What do you even mean? That makes no sense at all. How can you use up an accessory? Stupid cat. Where did all this fire come from and have you seen Disco Derby I mean the lead performer from the show? In the corner you say? But that is just a burning pile of OH MY GOD! What happened to her? Who did this and why? Well why doesn't matter since she was an evil super villain's accomplice and had Roller Disco world domination planned out. She just fell down and you accidentally realised your accessories fit together as a flame thrower and when you went to run for cover it ignited and focused on her even as she tried to skate away? It got stuck on her costume and you were dragged along all whilst this mystery flame, right, sorry, mystery napalm flame continued its focus on her. Screaming you say, I can imagine that.

 I mean she is melted now, pretty much goo and ash. I am not cleaning that up. Let us take some of these disco lights, balls and go home. I still don't understand how my skate laces became tied and how I was knocked out during this entire event. Last thing I recall is seeing you go off the rink and I was coming to find you then bam, I wake up with my laces tied and a splitting headache. I think this is one mystery that even the great Broland Hash will not be able to solve. All I can say is that by allowing you to wear that ridiculous accessory I have saved the day and the greater Roller Disco world from the evil Dr. Ginger Mittens and his army of villains. We can rest easy with the safety we have provided here tonight. Home time.

[brolandhash]

I must be dreaming

I just had the weirdest dream. I felt so violated, so cold, so not empty. As if someone, many somethings were inside, inside my head. They were listening to my thoughts. They knew what I was thinking by listening to my thoughts. They were right there with me every half step in the wrong direction along the way. Crazy. Lucky it was only a dream. Imagine if everyone could read your thoughts. Walk your path with you and know where you were going the moment you did. Who am I talking to? I am crazy. See I am even answering my own questions and then pointing that out to myself. No one else is inside my head. Only the voices and my brain. If only my brain was louder maybe the voices wouldn't distract me so much. Note to self, work on my inner brain voice. But now the voices in my head may have heard my plan to over throw them. Wait that is silly, voices don’t have ears. I will be fine. Only I can hear my voices in my head.

So a new day, what to do, what to do. Breakfast. Well not do breakfast, that’s kinky. Eat breakfast. I shall eat breakfast. Take that breakfast, nom nom nom. I ate you. It was toast, in case you were wondering. Why would my own mind be wondering what I just ate? Maybe it wasn't paying attention to the taste receptors or my eyes, both of those knew I was having toast. I talk to myself a lot. I need help. I will help myself. I seem to know the answers to my own question so who better to ask than me. No one. See told you I mean told me I had the answers I needed. Breakfast has made my head hurt. Back to bed. 

I am awake. I didn't go back to bed, haha I tricked you, I mean me, I mean ah fuck it off to work. I am at my desk. My desk is my bed. I just put pillows on it. I am poor, I have no mattress. My bed is actually my couch. You know that. I have a sad face on. It is heavy. I am taking it off. AGH! my face! It’s back. Phew, that was, in theory, quite painful to me. Next time Luck can wear the sad face. Kittens don’t feel pain. It’s science. We all know science to be the one true and correct form of scientific ummm stuff. Where was I in my thinking of thought pattern... You know i can't even remember it is as if I started this thought months ago and know can't recall where I was going with it. If only htere was some sort of internal documenting system that allowed me to read through my thoughts... Oh well.

Luck! There does not appear to be any new cases in the new cases bow I put outside the door. However there does seem to be cat pee in it... Bad Luck, I mean you Luck, you were a bad kitten. It is not anything to do with Luck that you went pee squirting in the box that is not your litter box but in fact my new box I put outside the door for new cases to be put in. Yes Luck you had to do with the pee in the new box I placed outside my door for new cases to be pout in as it is you who made a pee pool. I am just saying it is not bad luck but you are a bad kitten named luck therefore my statement of bad Luck is true and correct. Like science. Yes, don't look at me like that while you lick your ass, fuck you luck. Bad kitten!

So as I was saying no new cases today. Wait... what if this wasn't Luck who went animal water fountain in the box... A mystery is afoot! Oh right, it was you. Mystery solved! Time for a new box. I will buy it online. I will just Google, new box sales in the greater city of my origin area. What could go wrong with typing in box? Now snatch hehe there is a good search, wink wink nudge nudge. Anyway that is not what the internet is for. The internet is for local box buying. Box purchased. How exciting. Very exciting. My new box will be piss free, write that down luck, make a sign and eat it so you don't forget you little bitch. Awww I love you but I still mean it, little bitch. Piss in what once was my new box I placed outside my door for new cases to be put in. I mean seriously it even said do not piss in this box Luck. What more do you need?! Fucking kitten, always doing things it wants to when I specifically say not to. Lucky I love kittens and candy. Mmmm candy. Candy wouldn't pee in my box for new cases that is new that I just put out front of my door nooooo.

Wow what a busy day I have had. I woke up, forgot what I was doing and thinking, found pee in my new box, bought another new box, made you write out then eat a sign so you don't pee in my new, new box. Well time for bed. Why not it is not like I can play detective in my trench coat and hat with no mysteries to solve. Perhaps once my new box arrives and is kitten piss free something will cross my path... Maybe Dr. Ginger Mittens will once again reappear or those very friendly and talkative breast will come visit me once me. Oh look my new box has arrived. Thank you super fast box delivery service. Now we just wait. Inside, not looking at the box scaring off potential case dropping in box people away. Night Luck, get away from that box or I will make you eat another sign made with kitten killing toxic crayons!

[brolandhash]

Dare to dream I Think

Good morning and welcome to the morning. Haha I crack myself up sometimes. Ah shit it is the afternoon, my inside joke is ruined. Thanks a lot clock. Damn it my ball is stuck to my thigh. Awesome wake up Broland, just awesome. I feel like I have been asleep forever, or like a few months perhaps. Am I a bear? Like a hibernating bear creature of the night. Why of the night? I don’t even know is that part of the hibernation process that I just think random things and therefore I am thinking them and by thinking them they are in my head and inside my head are the thoughts that I ma thinking and the voices are answering my thoughts? No, no that can’t be true. I have no answers. I best keep this to myself. I sound fucking crazy.

I am hungry, like a bear. I mean no, not at all like a bear. I am not a bear, I am not a bear, mmmm honey, faaaaaark! No, wait, I don’t like honey, get off my hand honey jar, you disgust me. All sticky and not made by my body, only my body makes my hand sticky! Ah right, too much, moving along. I am not a bear. Raaaaaaarrrrr hehe bears go raarrr. Damn it! I must cease with the bear things. Unless it is a word conundrum in which I am meant to bare all to someone or something… Puzzling, I am puzzled. This actually makes sense, all of it. The sleeping, the thinking I am a bear, yes, yes it is all becoming clear to me, I am not a bear! I am the almighty Broland hear me roar!!! But not like a bear. Oh hey Luck, stop licking your arsehole while staring at me, you know I hate that.

What’s on the menu for work today? Luck, stop eating your brown doughnut and bring me my schedule. On second thought I do not want you carrying it over to me with that mouth of yours. I may have seen where it has been but I am damn sure it has been other places I want to I mean do not want to think about right now. Maybe later. Hmm it seems my diary has the same thing written in it for everyday this week. Catch Dr Ginger Mittens. That makes no sense though. To this point he/she/it/that/pumpernickel has only done minor inconveniences to me and my sidekick kitten Luck. Strange that I would have written this in for my week, strange that it is not in my handwriting, strange that there is cat hair all in my weeks schedule. I wonder what this means… Luck! We have a mystery to solve. The mystery of the writing in my diary!

I am still hungry. Luck, bring me some fresh salmon from that new running stream we have in the front room. No wait… wait a minute something is not right… I don’t even like salmon. Let’s go out for lunch, we can discuss the case. Kletsgorightnowdownthestairsandoutthedoortotheplacewearegoingtohavelunchthatisnotthewoodsbecausewearenotbears. Awww yeah, speed thinking, I can do that, I just did it; it has now been done by me. I also invented it, probably. Ah yes, of course, my clothes, back upstairs let’s have toast. Quickly now, the people are staring. They are impressed. Their screaming and hysterics tell me so. I must strike a super hero pose, my public needs to see. Oh we are inside, we are having toast. Good job Luck, you made me toast. Bears don’t eat toast, lucky I am not a bear. Remind me to buy a bear suit, I want to be a bear.

Ok Luck, where were we? Why are we in the jungle? The urban jungle that is, tricked you pretty good there didn't I luck, didn't I, yes I did. I tricked you so good. You were all like, hey, jungle, what jungle and I was like bam! Urban jungle bitch. But I digress. Actually I don’t digress I don’t even know where I was going or what I am doing. Let’s do something luck, you decide. Get lunch you say? That is an excellent plan, though it will be a late lunch since the clock fucked me over as we previously discovered. What I already ate toast? When? Hmmm I will trust you as there are crumbs on my lap and a half eaten loaf of bread on the table in front of me and I am no longer hungry… Logic suggests you are correct. Ok, that is enough naked toast eating, hey stop that, those crumbs are not for you. No, no, do not go to phase two tripod, remain calm that is clearly not human but a sandpaper tongue… never mind, clean that up. I am going to get my hat we are heading outside into the wilderness I mean city. What the fuck is with my mind on nature. I am not a bear!

Luck, what time is it? I have totally lost track where we are at in this day. Afternoon you say? Can’t read a clock you say? You are just a kitten you say? I like kittens. But I question ginger mittens. Ginger Mittens hmm those two words seem familiar to me, but where have I heard them before hmmm Puzzling. Oh well I am sure it will come to me at some stage later on today. What it is dinner time. Where has this day gone? Seriously, where has it gone I am pretty sure I just woke up, discovered I was not a bear, had some toast, discovered that you like crumbs and your tongue is like sand paper, dirty, rough mmm no wait do not go to phase two, abort, abort, ah aborted this time. Where was I, ah yes, I was in the forest hunting for oh no, no no no, I was not in the forest, don’t play trick on me my own mind, tricky little devil you are. What bed time, luck, already? Are you serious? What do you mean I am in bed, this certainly has been an interesting day. I think. Have I even gotten out of bed? It’s morning? Did I dream all of that? Yes, I must have it is a new day, I just woke up from one night’s sleep so I am not a bear. Established, dreaming mystery solved. I think I will have some toast, with pants on.

[brolandhash]

Yarn; A Big Ball's Tale

It's morning, the sun is up. In the sky, this may not mean it is morning, good thing I have a clock. Where is my clock? Oh yes, there, in front of me telling me the time. It is morning. This is when I usually wake up, an alarm has awoken me in the morning. What is the weight on my feet that I am too scared to move in case it is alive, or furry or a kitten? It is a kitten! I love kittens. Morning Luck. She never replies just looks at me as if something is going on in her head, something very very smart. Perhaps so smart I do not even understand the communication she is trying to convey to me. She, she just rolled her eyes, I am sure of it! No, wait that is silly kittens don't have rolly eyes. Breakfast time. None for you kitten! Just kidding, milk for you. Did she just roll her eyes again at me, no no, I must still be sleepy.

Breakfast is over. I ate it. I had toast. Just toast. I had nothing else. Luck had milk. You knew that. I said I was getting Luck some milk already. I had a long night. I was dreaming of my first case yet again and I was hard up for hours. Damn talking boobs I must still touch them, they wanted me to. I said I would later. It is later now. I wonder where they are. Probably still on her chest. Yes that seems most likely. Where did my toast go? Oh yes I ate it. I had toast for breakfast. It is now in my tummy. It got in my belly. My belly is now full, full with toast and the things that break down toast. Teeth. No wait, they are in my mouth, they chewed the toast in order to allow it to pass down my throat area thing to my tummy which is now full of toast. Sorted.

I wonder what today will bring. I am still wondering what today will bring. I am still wondering what today will bring. I am still wondering what today will bring. I wonder what is for lunch. I just had breakfast, why am I wondering that. Is that what today will bring me wondering about lunch even though my tummy is full of toast. No, that is what today has already bought, I mean brought, I didn't buy what today has given me. Damn English language and it's extremely difficulty of mastering. Maybe that is what today will bring, an English lesson... Fuck that. Yes, fuck that indeed.

Luck just went pee on my foot. Why is there always pee on my foot? I must have a pee magnet in my foot. I should dig that out. Later. Luck is now vomiting in my shoe, why do I love kittens again? There really seems to be no reason to love them at all. Now snatch, candy and boobs I love mmm candy snatch with boobs on top. Hehe snatch. I wonder what today will bring. Certainly not the newspaper. Bastard today not bringing me the newspaper I have not paid for nor subscribed to. How dare you! I need a job. I have a job. I need a case. Hey an old lady, maybe she has a case for me. Hey old lady wait, do you have a case for me? She threw a brick at my window and called me stupid, that lady has an arm on her, the brick flew through my window. A case, who broke my window?! Oh right the old lady that didn't need my help. Case closed.

New case needed. I guess we could look for Dr Ginger Mittens, he is still out there and all but he hasn't even so much as called to see how I am going. No more notes at the door, nothing. Someone did steal a giant ball of yarn from the super yarn making factory that is made of yarn itself, but I mean who really cares. Just make more yarn. I will not bother with such petty theft of great significance. I will not be tempted by a missing, a stolen big ball of yarn. Luck, why are you clawing at my naked leg? Is it because I am yet to put pants on? No? Yes? No, that's a no isn't it? yes it is a no or no it is a no or no it is a yes? use your words kitten! You are a test subject for fuck's sake! Ahhhhhhh you want to search for the ball of yarn. I see. No, don't be gay. We are not doing that. I am going to the toilet and you had better change your attitude towards me by the time I get back.

I am back. Luck what is this big ball of yarn doing in here? Did you steal that? Bad luck, very bad luck! You are a very naughty kitten and if kitten's bums weren't so ugly I would smack you to show you just how naughty you are for stealing that yarn and hiding it from me this whole time. We are meant to solve crime not create it. We must now work out how to get this back without being suspected or caught. Think Luck, think! Stop playing with that, it is not a toy... kind of. It is for well I do not know what it is for. It is one of those things that people make for no real purpose other than to say they have the biggest of that thing out of anyone. Why are you eating a piece of paper? You have that whole ball of string to play with. I am beginning to think the experiment was to remove you brain Luck. Did, did you just roll your eyes at me and spit that note on the floor, is that what you just did? I think it is. That is what you just did because I saw you and the note is at my feet right now. Don't you walk away from me, don't, don't you close that door. How did she close that door so firmly? Crazy kitten.

Oh a note here at my feet to read.

This is a note to the person reading this note. You are the person reading this note right now. Unless you cannot read in which case nothing on this page matters at all. askgjhlcn nckje;nvww your mother turns tricks for carrots fwq;hgfpwhgr. If you can read please read on. This ball of yarn has been rigged to self destruct 22minutes after this note has been removed. Just kidding. It is 15minutes. I bet you don't know when the note was removed now do you? Worried? You should be, you are reading the note that has been removed and have no idea when it will explode. I am an evil genius muhahahahaha! Unless this note fell off and you do not know where the ball of yarn is and hear an explosion in the distance you are not worried at all. In fact, with much truth attached, this reading has provided you great relief that you are not anywhere near the ball of yarn that I have stolen and rigged to explode 15minutes after the trigger, the removal of this note. I also hope you are not a slow reader as you will not get to the end to know who stole the yarn and that too will ruin my plan and my fun. I am sorry, I am lost I have gotten off track with that. Where was I oh yes, you reading this, I have rigged the yarn in the hope that Broland Hash finds this and tears this off once he has found the stolen yarn outside his front door and is returning it like the detective he thinks himself to be. His reward is an explosion that will take out the largest ball of yarn and it's factory sending the yarn world into chaos! Again muhahahahaha!

Here is saying Fuck you!

Dr Ginger Mittens.

Wow quite a letter, I am not sure what I really make of all that. Very hard to follow, I may need to read it again. Better still, I must disarm the bomb. I think that is a good plan. Luck what are you doing there with what appears to be a dismantled bomb? You fiend you. *insert smiley face of mine here in Luck's direction* You crazy kitten, you knew all along. I don't know how you knew but you knew. Obviously, otherwise how would you have done what you did without knowing. It boggles the mind and somewhat scares me that a kitten knew what you knew and did what you did and well those things really. I am terrified but not aroused... Well a little bit but i think that is the draft from the broken window and my lack of pants wearing at present. Feels nice. Hey don't scratch at that, bad Luck.

Let us return the ball of yarn, there is a reward. We return the biggest yarn ball thing and are rewarded with cash. I love money like I love candy, lots. And for luck since she helped out ever so slightly I purchase a smaller ball of yarn to play with. Bitch better be happy. I love Luck, Luck is a kitten, even though an experiment kitten. Perhaps it is coincidence that kitten rhymes with mitten... I must investigate this... later. I have pants to put on. I should have done that before we went to the yarn factory made of yarn. They have a no pants no service policy, I am glad they made an exception. So that is what today bought us? Brought us? Brung us? So that is what today had in store for Luck and I. I am a stick man, working detective, wearing a trench coat and a hat, solving cases with my bomb defusing, side kick kitten, Luck.

[brolandhash]

As Luck Would Have It.

I started this morning with a thought. It was private. It is still private. You cannot have it. It is mine. Here it is. If action has no reaction does it cause something to not happen by the fact that it has happened in saying that thought out loud does ones mind extension become a rambling attention seeking missile comprised of vertiginous audio gestures thrust upon another or a great number of others that are experiencing the misfortune of being unfortunately placed in the precise and exact time portal positioning oneself to be bombarded by said exertions of the action made by individual causing vibration through void areas unblocked by noise to perform a communication in terms that are understood or not decoded as intended or is as meant to be how can you be sure if you are not the person sending and are not paying any attention to the language that has been presented with force of nature as without mother there would be no medium to have a universe in with universally unrecognised representations provided to the visual and audible sensors some not all possess whilst at the same time not being to be retracted only leaving a forward motion with no reverse or escape function no cylindrical diagram can explain nor detail the force of the forwards sometimes providing the backwards in relationships that can spiral in a helix type fashion getting faster and faster towards he pointy end of a really long though pattern that describes really all in all how babies are made. But I digress.

My original thought was or is it now that I am thinking it to express it now is I have a letter with no address on it. Does this mean the letter is for me? It was in my letter box but what if the person whom had placed this letter in my box, not my snatch, I do not have a snatch even though box is sometimes termed as an alternative to the word snatch as one puts things inside boxes as they would perhaps do a snatch, sometimes even similar things would be in both a box and a snatch. Hehe snatch. Oh yes the letter. What if it was not intended for my box but another's box that the person delivering this letter thought was indeed the intended box of their intended recipient? A blank envelope has created much cause for thought this morning. I am going to open it. No. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. It is open. My hand slipped I was really trying to just whatever it is open.

Dear recipient, phew, it is for me, or was it for me and now it is mine? I am having a tough day. This is a very distressing letter. Or is it a note. Doesn't a letter have a certain format of which it is written? Shouldn't my name be on it with my address? A sign off who it is from so I know who has written this for me to read? None of this is present on this so called letter. I think it is more of a note really. Stupid note trying to be a letter, faking, pretending, a phony. Bad, bad note. Shame on you for not being proud of who you are. Stand up, be seen, be heard, I am here and I am a note! Oh wait my name is on the back of the envelope. Silly.

Broland, I regret to inform you that I have regrets. I have done things that I now know to be naughty. Very very naughty. I have been a bad person. If you can call me that. I need you to find me. I cannot turn myself in. I have to be caught. Like a baseball in a glove, a fly in a web, sperm in a condom, a dolphin in a net, Saddam Hussein in a hole. I must be stopped. I am a monster. I cannot tell you what I have done. I dare not say it let alone write it down as evidence to help you. I am out there. 

In Chaos

Dr Ginger Mittens.

I am confused. Muddled, all spun around. I am just a stick man playing detective. I have never had a real job. I do need to pay rent though. I need a real job. This can be my real job. There better be a reward for capturing this doctor of the evil genesis. This evil serpent from the feline world. Damn! I like kittens, Ginger Mittens best not be a kitten. I will be torn. Down the middle. Well a little off to one side, even though I am a stick man I will not let my hat be torn in half. It is my hat. I like my hat. Also there are some other things down my middle that I am fond of. I wish to keep all of these things in tact. I will not be torn physically, just emotionally, stripped of my inner being. Cause things fall out of a tear. Emotional things fall out of an emotional tear. I will stand strong. I will just be upset. Yes upset. I will be fine. I wonder if the doctor actually wears mittens or is even a ginger. Lucky I am a detective, I can search for clues and shit. To the mittens store! They have stores for mittens and only mittens, there are the mittens stores!

I Googled it, there is a mittens store. They sell ginger mittens but not to cats. Cats are animals. I like kittens. I am excited. Oh wait I forget I was thinking there better be a reward. Not some bullshit self finding yay I am happy kinda crap reward, I want money. I have to pay rent. Rent costs money. I like money. I love money in my pocket. Like when you go to wash clothes and find money you didn't even know was there. It is even better than a treasure hunt. I only had to look in a pocket. I didn't have to find no imaginary X that doesn't really mark a spot it marks where I have to get a shovel and dig for the treasure only to find another clue fucking me around once again. Moral money in my pocket is better than treasure some other bastard pirate already took and spent on a ship- with a hole in it and sunk half way to hookers and mittens store. I mean there is no map to the spot you crashed. Stupid pirates. Buy a plane, seriously. Planes fly and stuff, never crash, nope nope. OK they crash too. Don't crash, easy fix. Stupid Pirates.

To the mittens store! I am at the mittens store. Here I am. I made it. I am at the mittens store. Hey look mittens. Mittens are dumb. What kind of villain wears mittens. How did he type with mittens on? Yes it is a he, girl's aren't doctors. It's science. I smooth talked the register girl. Yes she was a girl, girl's work behind registers they can do more than cook and clean you know. This is the new age. They just can't be doctors. I ask if they make mittens from gingers. The girl says no gingers are people too. And she added redheads do it better. I agree. I had this encounter with a redhead matchstick of a thing mmm she was on fire! No, seriously, the bitch was on fire, burnt to a crisp. It was hot. Like fire. Mmmm fire is pretty. No more redheads... today. She gives me a lead. perhaps I should check the evil pet store on the corner. I do that.

Evil Pet Store 5 minutes later

I am at the Evil Pet Store what seems a mere five minutes later. I walk past this little kitten in the window she looks so cute! Of course it is a girl kitten, it'd be gay and weird if I thought a boy kitten was cute, sheesh. She meows at me, it goes straight to my heart, my stick man heart. It is as if she was meowing right to my stick man soul. It is as if she knows I am a stick man even with my trench coat and hat on. I must have her. But i must not be distracted just yet. I hit up the shop keeper no time to decide if it is a female or male. I ask some quick fire questions. I play bad cop. I pull out my gun. Yeah I have a gun, didn't I mention that earlier? I pull out my gun, it has bullets in it. Bang, haha tricking I only shot you in the shoulder, a flesh wound. Where is Dr Ginger Mittens. Of course I assume this non gender specific Evil Pet Store employee knows where and who Dr Ginger Mittens is. They don't I call an Ambulance. Humans are so soft, one bullet to the shoulder and they start bleeding all over the Evil Pet Store. I was in a bit of trouble. Something about pressing charges, jail, unlicensed weapon, attempted murder blah blah blah, I decide to buy the kitten. I am paying for the kitten as the cops arrive. I king of need to escape and all the register attendee can do is bleed and curse at me. Great customer service I just bought  fucking sweet ass kitten from you cunt, help me escape and stop holding a grudge because I shot you two minutes ago. That is what's wrong with society, no forgiveness, so short sighted. My new kitten jumps from the counter and runs for a hidden exit, waits and meows for me to follow. I glare at the register flip the attendant off and leave a nasty note in the suggestion box. Yeah I had time.

Dear shop owner

When a paying customer is needing your employees help to escape the scene of a 'crime', help them. You are an evil pet store, you are evil, do you not understand your role as evil? 

Anonymous (Broland)

I had for the escape and the kitten leads me down a long tunnel, pretty long, a bit long, it was a door to the back alley. We are free! Thank you new kitten. I shall call you Luck. I think she just rolled her eyes at me. What the fuck is that. She is sooo cute. I will call her Luck, oh right I already established that. My little Luck, my charm, my left hand kitten to catch my right hands nemesis, Dr. Ginger Mittens. Luck has a note around her neck. I open it. It is a treasure map. Are you fucking kidding me!? Oh right it's not a treasure map it is a clue. 

Property of Dr. Ginger Mittens - Super kitten cloning experiment (Alpha)

Time for home, we have much to discuss Luck, much to discuss.

To be continued with our hero. Still a nobody in a trench coat, wearing a hat, but not longer just playing detective with his side kick Luck.

[brolandhash]

The Missing Stripper Pole - Part 2

So I am in a belly button. How ridiculous. Very ridiculous. It seems like it has been ages, weeks even since this ordeal began. Since the stripper pole vanished. Almost as if time has been continuing on and I have been doing nothing but sitting here in a dark, hairy, lint filled hole. The world keeps spinning around and I am just one man's hobby that he comes back to whenever he has been sleep deprived enough to slightly lose his mind and fall into the alter ego of Broland Hash! I am freaking out man, freaking out! I think it's the beers, it must be the beers. Why am I talking to myself when there is a perfectly good bar tender in the corner there. Why is there a bar tender in this belly button. I am drunk. To the bar, shots! 

No wait. Wait. Wait. Waiting, I am waiting. There is a line. but no one is in front of me. I am at the front of the line. Shots! Oh hello stranger, I feel a grabbing around my crotch, feels good, damn good. Oh that's my hand, it is still in my pocket. I am disgusting, oh yeah talk to me dirty me, do it, that's it. I like it dirty, you are a bad boy, aren't you, yes you are. That is the correct answer, you are a naughty boy. I best stop this the lint monster in the corner is staring at me. Cunt. Oh, wait, lint monster, that cannot be a good thing. But i was just enjoying bad things, now I m confused. OI must ponder this. Pondering, pondering, pondering, peeing. Damnation! Oh I am in the bathroom, when did I get here? Who cares. Zip, watch the penis on the way up. That's some mighty fine non penis catching zipping right there.

I am outside the bathroom. The ladies bathroom. Oh no, the men's bathroom. I like ladies though. Sometimes they talk to me with such kind words. Like that'll be $150, or hey, I have seen you before, make that $300. Ah memories. So fond. My wallet does not like the ladies, he told me so. Moving along. Oh excuse me, I did not see you there. Oh dear, it is the lint monster he has found me. I did not know I was hiding from him, how do I know he has found me. Why is he smiling? I am not smiling, does he think I am pretty? Because I am not down for no lint monster loving, or am I? No I am not, well maybe, No yes possibly no. No, probably not, later OK here is my number. How does he have a mobile? He won't call. They never call. I am so alone.

Oh he is calling. no wait it's a text message. Hey I like this song. I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world, life fantastic sex with plastic. You can brush my hair but I have no hair down there. Ladidada, ladidada. I am sure they are the words. barbie is such a slut. I wonder what her number is. Oh right text message. I am going to suck you dry like Angelina Jolie did to Brad Pitt's good looks. That is one hell of a sucking. I wonder if the lint monster has teeth. Hmmm. Or what gender it is for that matter... He I mean she I mean it is coming over act natural, pretend to laugh at someone's joke ahahahaha so funny, fuck no one is even near me. I feel like an Italian soccer player pretending someone knocked me down but the ball is at the other end of the field. Quick pretend it was a funny text, nice cover. I am a fucking gen-oh I dropped my phone. 

You are so strong, is your name Lola? L-l-l-l-Lola? It is, that is not a good sign. You are asking me to dance. Umm no, I don't do that. I am more of a fuck off I don';t dance kinda stick man. No, no don;t touch my hat, stop please, stop now, you are embarrassing yourself. Oh that feel nice, you have a very firm but caring touch, fuck it is my hand in my pocket again. It has a mind of it's own! Such a dirty mind too, I will take care of you later. And then you can take care of me. Mmmm yeah that's right. Ah a problem has ummm risen between us. No, not that problem, well yes OK that problem that you think this arousal is directed at you eating my hat, hey wait you are eating my hat. That is my hat. It goes with my coat. Why are you eating it? No it is not exotic, oh oh oh you said because you are psychotic. I understand. That is much worse. I should leave. I am leaving. I must escape. I need a ladder and a ninja rope. I have neother of those. I have keys and a wandering hand.

Wait, that's it, keys and a wandering hand it is so simple now. I am running, how did I only just notice I am running? I miss my hat. I have no hat. I must order a new hat. No time for that now, although I do have the Ebay app on my phone. No later, now, no no later is better I keep running. I loved that hat. It will be avenged! Probably. What is this in my pocket, whilst I am happy to see me that is not it, this time. It is a lint brush! A shining light shines out from the brush as I hold it above my head in triumph. I dropped the brush. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Ah it is still in my hand. I didn't drop it. The tables have turned. I turn to the monster and stare it down. It must be a girl I am still slightly turned on by her, yes her it is a her.

I move in for the kill, my dominance comes to the fall, no lint will come to overpower me. I destroy the monster, I keep her panties. These are some big panties, they do not smell fresh. Why did I smell them oh my god! Nope still not fresh. Wait. No really wait, I am going to be sick. I am sick. I missed my shoes. I can use these panties to slingshot myself to freedom. I can break free! I am going to do that. I just did it. I am on the stage. Arms grab me, they missed me they have been praying for my escape but were left helpless by Rhotundra's buxom charms. Yes she has big tits. hey are lifting me up and i seem to have brought something back with me, what am I clutching to yes, yes yes yes yes yes it is the Stripper Pole!!!!!!!! Mystery solved I must have saved it from the depths of belly button abyss! I am the greatest detective ever. The crowd goes, wait why am I outside, on my face. My face hurts. My sad face hurts. I am in t he pee puddle. I am going home. I still have no hat. I want my hat. I am not crying, fuck you. My mum gave me that hat. I don't have a mum. Least I still have my keys. I walk into the distance.

Our hero has been saved by himself, a hero saves a hero and solves another mystery. The headlines will be a buzz tomorrow with stories of a legend beginning to surface. Tales of a female lint monster with giant panties being vanquished. Words written about a a nobody in a trench coat, not at the moment wearing a hat, playing detective.

[brolandhash]

The Missing Stripper Pole - Part 1

It has been a long week. It's Tuesday. Tuesday night. Late Tuesday night, around 6:00pm. That's not so late. I am not tired, maybe a little. I am more thirsty than tired. Beer, I like beer. I want some beer. I will get some beer. What else do I want? What else can I do? Boobs, beer and boobs. I like boobs and beer. Boobs sometimes talk to me. Where can I go to get both of my wants fulfilled on a Tuesday night... Where, where, where... Ah yes, of course it is so simple it is right across the street. Down the road. Over the bridge. Through the tunnel. Forty minute cab ride and I am there. Princess Pinky's Pretty Snatch and Bouncing Breast Emporium. I love that place. Off I go.

I get out of the cab. What, why does the meter go up when we stop and he presses the button. There was a charge to pull over and get me and now a charge to let me out to give the driver money. Fuck that, I am not paying this button pressing ass-hole that amount. I need this money for the beer and boobs inside. I am going to give it to this guy he is going to get it! I am not paying this fucking amount no, no, no, no, no, OK have a good night, smile. Damn it. I look to go inside. I keep looking. I move to go inside. I walk over. I step in a puddle. The puddle is wet. The puddle is not at all easy on the nose. The puddle is pee. Why is it always pee? I mean really why the fuck is there a puddle of pee outside Princess Pinky's Pretty Snatch and Bouncing Breast Emporium? Seriously? Who the fuck pisses right out here in the open like that?! I mean i do it in the alley where you should do it. Inconsiderate fuckers. Oh wait I am in the alley. Is this my pee. no I just got here, that is silly. This is not my pee. I did my pee at home. This is not my home. I go inside.

I am inside. That was the wrong door. I should know better. Even though I am a VIP it is better to first go through the front door. Always ask before plowing your way through the back door. No matter how many time you have been inside before, it is prudent to ask. I was wrong, it felt wrong. But just so right to slip my way in there instead of waiting out the front. When I pushed my way through into the venue, it was a feeling of relief to finally be here. that feeling that runs all the way down you from head to base. Really reminds me of sliding into a chick's ass. Good times. I go back around the front. I know you shouldn't go from back to front. I am doing it. Here I go. Yes, yes, yes. No cover charge. Good. I am inside again.

To the bar I head. I head over to the bar. Beer has head. I like head and beer. I get a beer, it has head. Mmm beer. I have my beer. Another beer. Another beer. Another beer. Another beer. Anoother beer. moooore beeeer. Beeer, beeeerererreer beeeerrrerrrerer. Pee. beeeererererererrerererr boobs beeeeeeerererererrr time to sit. I sit down. I nearly fall off the chair. no one noticed. I am too cool for that. waaaaay too cool. I fall down. No one saw that. I am too cool for that. waaaaay too cool. I think I am back on the chair. Yes I am on the chair. where did this chair come from. Did my ass grow this chair? No, no, that is silly. It must have been chair elves. Sneaky fucks putting a chair under me when I wanted to sit down. Oh right thanks chair elves.

Ooooh someones dancing and her boobs are out! I have beer and boobs! My goal has been reached. Chocolate is dancing is dancing on stage. She is on the stage dancing. Look at her dance, look at her boobs. I once at chocolate in my bed. it was soft, tender, and moist on the inside. I think it was like a truffle. I made a mess. A chocolate mess. Seeing her dance makes me feel good in the pants. A wet sensation comes over me. A wet, pooling feeling in my lap as I watch her dance. I spilt my beer in my lap. There is beer in my lap. At least it is not pee. I do that in the alley, near the back door. But it looks like I wet myself. I'm not panicking. I'm panicking. Heavy breathing people are looking at me, looking, staring judging, staring, staring into my eyes. Oh wait I am in the bathroom, this is a mirror. Hello.

I walk back outside. I have a stumble in my step. I am back at my stool chair. I sit. down I sit. Chocolate is gone. Bitch. I am excited. I wonder who is up next. There is a drum roll. A man behind a curtain yells out. I EAT SAUSAGES!!! He is taken outside. A silence and an announcement. ROTUNDRA! The earth quakes. She rolls out onto stage. Literally. This is a huge bitch. eh moon came down and impregnated a volcano and this was born, Rotundra. Pretty face though. I think it is time to leave. I et up and move to walk out. But, what is this, a mystery is afoot. where I look to give one last glimpse there is not what should be there. Where I gaze upon blank I should be able to see. I cannot think of any other crazy drunk things to think other than where has the stripper pole gone?! I am outraged that someone would steal such a prized possession of Princess pineapples pink bits 'n' boob place for bouncing euphoria! Outraged. Where am I again. Ah yes I was leaving. Off I go. no wait the missing pole. I must investigate. I fall down. Fuck.

I survey the room. Everyone is here with their twin sibling. Sneaky bastards. Everyone has motive, that pole had chocolate all over it. Everyone loves chocolate. I must investigate. Oh, right, I am already doing that. As I look for clues in my pocket I find a strange force pulling me towards it. I should look up to see what this is that is pulling me towards it with it's strange force, but my pocket, I think it holds the key... to my apartment. Damn, foiled. What is my foot caught in, It's round, a little hairy, very white, and not a bleached sphincter. Oh boggles of brick-a-brack! It is Rotundra's belly button!!! It is sucking me in. I cannot escape it as this time. Why is my hand still in my pocket? why is my fly undone? More mysteries to solve but first to get out of, oh no too late I am inside the belly button. I am doomed!

Is this the untimely end for our loosely titled hero? No. Will Broland find his way out of the depths that is Rotundra's belly button. Yes. How did he get in here in the first place. It must have been some sort of gravitational force that his drunken charisma and lack of coherence was drawn to. What will happen next? Hold your breath (don't really, it might take a little while to write the ending to this) to find out what this nobody in a trench coat, wearing a hat, playing detective does next!

[brolandhash]

Broland and the Mystery Woman Person

11am, I am awake. I have to be awake I know what time it is. I can't possibly know the time when I am asleep. Or can I? No, I was right the first time I can't. The sun is outside, thankfully. Imagine if it were inside I am pretty sure I would at least receive a mild case of tan lines if not I would actually be on fire, the sun is pretty hot this time of year. Maybe winter is a better time to let the sun in the office. Yes that is what I will do. That is a far better idea, who wants the sun inside on a hot summer day. That is indeed crazy talk.

It's 11:01am, I am still awake. Fifty-five minutes later I get out of bed. OK so it is a couch and this is not my house nor my apartment but it is my office. My place of business. My Mum's basement. I don't have a Mum. Stop judging me, she was run over by a spaceship. She fell down a well. she ran away because she hated me. I am alone. Oh wait someone is at the door. yes I have a door, and I do have this office. I am allowed pets. My pet is Luck, the kitten. She is a kitten. I do love kittens.

I wonder who is at my door, I do hope it is someone at my door and I am not hearing things again. The voices are usually voices though and often my own voice not the sound of a knocking at my door. I am not crazy. Much. It is a girl. I like girls. She is pretty. Fuck no she is cute, like a button with amazing boobs! I love boobs. She stands there, staring at me. I stare back, we stare at each other. We are staring into each others souls. I am fictional I have no soul, what is she looking at? what am I looking at? Oh right her boobs. She is more than this, she, she, she is a girl. I like girls. I stand in the doorway, I am blocking her entrance, I invite her in. She accepts. she is inside, I sit behind my desk and she sits in the chair in front of it. 

She tells me her story, I am not listening. I better listen. She tells it again. I listen this time. I do not understand the story. she tells me again. This woman is a mystery person. she says she has lost her imagination. She once was an imaginative person thinking up all sorts of things from space pirate ninjas with pitch forks that had smaller pitch forks attached on each tip. Colourful stripes across a sky kinda like a rainbow but bigger and with more gold at the end. Unicorns with two horns and some with three! None of the could fly though, that is just stupid. Unicorns with wings, I mean really, what the fuck?

She rambled on for a bit and i drifted off into her eyes. I scan over her body. Her hair short, dark and with character. Asian anime character. Very sexy and almost unbelievable how it stays in that shape even when she moves, not even a hurricane made of cement could move that hair. I want to reach out and pull it. Her eyes piercing like pointy spoons, shiny but dangerous, perhaps spork like even. A hint of soft with a touch of danger. Her lips, big, full, made to suck an engine through a tail pipe. she bites her lip when she knows I am looking, she did that, she knows I saw it, she is teasing me, that slut! I like it.

She continues to talk, i continue to undress her with my hands, in my mind, and with my eyes not in my mind. he chest, wow what a chest! I begin to sweat, maybe the sun is in the room. Did, d-d-did her boobs just talk to me? I think they did. I sit forward. I swear they just said touch me, come here and touch me, do it, touch me, touch me touch me touch me! Bu-But I can't do that. Well I could but I can't. OK I will, later, later I will touch you. I am going to touch you so good, you just wait. what, what is that? You don't want to wait. Oh you are a bad girl, very bad. I am sorry, there is two of you? Two boobs and you both want me to touch you? Oh well I am flattered and quite frankly very aroused so OK. But still, later. Yes I said later, don't talk back to me.

My eyes work down further. I need to get to the bottom of this, of her. She stands up and walks over to me and stands in front of me. I stare at her belly button, or where I picture it to be, she is wearing a shirt. A button up shirt. A white button up shirt. So many buttons but barely enough to hold back those talkative breasts. I work my way down, down, down. fuck I drooled. I pretend to sneeze. I totally got away with it. I gaze back up. In front of me the boobs are once again trying to distract me but this time it is foul play. Nipples, they have thrown out their nipples in order to steal my attention away. Those bastards, have they no shame. I know I don't, but them, I expected more. More, more I want more. Later. I am too strong for them, for now.

Her story expands as I sit back and pretend to listen. I am pretty much a shrink but I don't make my client sit in a chair and feel restrained. I do not make her write a letter to express her feelings as if that will help. I do not pretend to not be sexually attracted to my client and hide behind our 'professional relationship'. I do not give the same solution to every person that steps through my door because this woman is the first person that has stepped through my door ever. I only just got a door. It used to be a curtain made of broken dream, spilt tears and an old sheet I found out the back. It smelt of pee, I washed it, it still smelt like pee. I do not like pee smell. I washed it again and it was clean. i forgot soap the first time. It happens, don't pretend you haven't done that before too! I wonder what panties she is wearing...

I know what a lot of underwear looks like but what if it is something I have never seen before? What if it has lace that only hides half of her camel toe I am now noticing. That is impressive, I have never seen one of those in a person wearing a skirt. Actually now it is freaking me out, but drawing me in at the same time. it is like a lava lamp, a train wreck, two ugly lesbians kissing, I can't look away. What power has this over me, I-I-I-I am moving on. Her snatch will not catch me. Hehe, snatch. Lost Imagination, I wonder if it is in there? Could it be that she is in fact or at least was once wearing a full sized brief. And that the hungry snatch has begun to eaten them and now working on the skirt leaving this impression of a camel toe that is near impossible to explain otherwise? could this be where her imagination has gone? Oh wait no, she is wearing skorts, silly bitch, who wears those, I mean really, look at the confusion it has caused. Moving on.

Returning to her chair I can't help but notice her bubble butt. I mean who can miss a fantastic bubble butt like this? that's right no one can. Zeus himself nearly came down to tap this ass. I hear he got busy throwing lightning at some children though. They were probably playing on his lawn. Old people hate kids on their lawns. I don't have a lawn. I have a window and a pocket full of dreams. Oh wait no my pocket is empty. That's kind of sad for me. Note to self, fill pocket with dreams when mystery woman person leaves. She sits down and I lean back on my chair as if I have been listening the whole time. I put my hands to my mouth in a pondering type motion and she anticipates my forth coming plans. I have these words of advice to her.

Find your own dreams and sometimes let them find you. Do not think something is lost merely because you cannot find it. Often the things we are missing are not far from our grasp and we just need to open our eyes a little wider to take in the bigger picture. You have not lost your imagination you are just not allowing it to manifest and express itself. Stop trying and let things happen around you, inside you. Having control of all situations before has left you feeling lost and alone when really you are just not listening to yourself. Our imagination really must be a thing of freedom, this a thing of possible beauty so let it live. You can restrict and shape, mould and well some other thing you can do but learn to loosen your grip a little. At this moment you are holding on so tight to what you think you want you are not letting your thoughts think for themselves. Think about it. Right now your mind is as up tight as your skorts are wedged firmly in your snatch. Yes I noticed your snatch. 

She cries, and I offer my shoulder. My left shoulder, I mean I hardly know her so no need to go all out for a practical stranger. I whisper in her ear that it is time to go back into the world and experience the freedom of walking down the road and seeing what happens. She paid my fee and left. 

Well Luck, that is our first case solved. If I had opened a book we could now close it on this one. Let's buy a book and keep a record of our cases from here in. Note to self, buy book. Until next time, be safe, be cool and remember, I am a nobody in a trench coat, wearing a hat, playing detective and even I can make a difference.

[brolandhash]

Broland.

Broland Hash - He's a nobody in a trench coat, wearing a hat, playing detective. Where there is trouble, where there is a problem of an insignificant nature, Broland Hash is there. Where there is danger, he has most likely caused it. He will come to your rescue if you call and pay his price. Sometimes his price is candy. He really likes candy. He will eat candy all day long and not gain any weight. He is a stick-man. 

No job is too small. Some jobs are far too big. If a box of kittens is in trouble he already knows about it and is on the way. Sometimes he is even on the way when it is one kitten, it depends how slow the week has been.

One time he got his finger stuck in a hole, just a normal hole. He didn't even need to put his finger in there but he still did. he is curious, like a cat. He owns a cat, and he saves boxes of kitten, there is a pattern. He likes cats. he once ran over a cat and cried for a week, a whole week. He became dehydrated. He has since recovered.

He is around the corner, maybe not your corner but he is around someone's corner. If you find him he will count to fifty while you go hide. He loves that game. It is not always about games, some things are serious. His dedication to the overlooked is haunting. Sometimes he dresses up as a ghost and scares little children, it's funny.

There are mysteries all around us, he wants to solve them. Did I mention he has a magnifying glass? because he does, and he uses it to find clues. He also uses it to burn ants, but not kittens. He talks to himself hoping you will listen because if you don't his stories will not make sense, you might as well listen. An adventure awaits and Broland Hash will take you with him.

Broland Hash - He's a nobody in a trench coat, wearing a hat, playing detective.