I could start from the very beginning, But since the most asked question is “Is it fake?”, I figure I’d answer that question in the elaborate way I know how.
Back in February, After I came home from work, I had gotten an email from the casting director saying that Tracie wanted to get together to talk about what happened two years ago. I was facetiming my Girlfriend when i noticed the email. I was in shock. I thought this whole thing was never going to be brought up again. My girlfriend actually didn’t want me to go through with it because of the emotional state that it would leave me in. But I didn’t want to decline without more information. I emailed the casting director and gave him my number.
The next day, He had called me and told me what would happen. He informed me that the show was “Catfish” and that the show wasn’t about putting people on blast. I’ve heard this many times throughout my experience. “It’s not about shaming anyone in public, We just want to get your side of the story.”
We discussed it; The scheduling, my pay, and the procedures that would occur. This was all so strange to me! I had agreed to do this because I felt that Tracie deserved some answers. I know I owed her that much. Over a period of time, I met a location manager, and a producer, I hung out with these guys. Starbucks, and Ihop! They were really really awesome people.. So nice and generous.
What I discussed with the producer was the part that I’m confused whether or not it’s completely real. During our meeting, He’d tell me that Nev and Max were going to message me on facebook, first send HIM a message of what you’re going to say before sending it out. Once it was approved with him, then I could send it out to Nev. He gave me a heads up for when Nev and Max would call me. He would tell me, Say something along this line, “act like you’re really nervous (Which I really was) don’t make it a short phone call, ask questions, It has to seem like you’re going to say no but let Nev try to convince you then say you’ll meet him. “ So I did just that. The whole phone call lasted for about 8 mins.
It was all too abnormal! I didn’t feel real. until the day I met them. I never picked the cafe where we met BTW. The producer messaged me and told me that that’s what I had to send to Nev. “Hey you can meet me at blah blah blah”
This was the day that fucked me up. I hated everything about this day. Meeting Nev and Max and Tracie.
First of all, I asked repeatedly if Tracie was going to be there with them. All I got was, “I don’t know.” I wanted to know because I wanted to prepare myself mentally. The day that I met them, I had to pretend that I was coming from a bus stop; That I had just taken the bus. The reality was that the cafe was down the street from where I lived. Why couldn’t I have said that I just walked? I still dont get that.
The producer and I waited under that bridge that you guys saw me appear from, I was waiting there for about ten mins. Then the producer said ok go ahead. Don’t look at them, don’t wave, don’t act excited. In my head I’m like “THIS IS THE MOST NERVEWRECKING THING EVER, I’M SCARED AS FUCK! AND I ACTUALLY WANT TO GO HOME! I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!”
So when I appeared at the bridge, That’s when I saw Tracie. my heart fell to the floor and I wanted to just RUN!
I walked up to them and the look on Tracie’s face; she looked so pissed off. everyone around me had such a hard face. I was grilled right there, right where I stood. On the show, it lasted for what? 1 min. We were there for what seemed like 10 mins. Question after question. When finally we went inside and it got worse. What they found, Why this why that, who was this, They even found someone in my family that I didn’t even know existed! They knew the names of my (At the time) friends, Locations ETC. Like they went DEEP to find out things.
I was in so much shock with the interrogation what was being said, what they found, finding out that they talked to Marissa, just EVERYTHING that i didn’t know what to do. My brain shut down completely. I know i wasn’t much help that day with giving information because that day broke me in ways that no one would understand. i felt cornered. 3 against one.. each one throwing out questions that I had to know the answer to. I hated everything about that day. EVERYTHING. and I’ll never forget it.
That meeting in the cafe lasted for a couple hours. Ever notice that When I meet her, it’s light outside and when I leave it’s totally dark?
When I was walking away, when the producer picked me up, I was gone, totally mentally damaged. I felt so beat down that I actually couldn’t speak. I hated myself more than I ever did in my entire life. When the producer dropped me off, he pulled over first. He said that he was concerned about me. I told him how i felt. He assured me that tomorrow would be better. tonight was supposed to be that intense. What I hated the most was that, they prepared me for everything BUT this. all the questions, everything.
When I got home, I called my girlfriend who was upset to see me upset. She said that she hates that I agreed to do this. I told her that I agreed. I wish I didn’t go through with it but I couldn’t quit now. It’s almost over. It took me everything in my power to not relapse. I self harm. That night was the biggest trigger. and of course, I did relapse. my mentality was gone that night. I had no self control. and I dreaded the next day.
The next day, the location manager and the producer came over to hang out with me and to make sure that I was ok and to tell me what would happen that day. Max came over early. They wanted to get shots of me getting ready for the meeting. My hair, make up, putting on my shoes. He left soon after. The crew came and rearranged the living room a bit, they setup their equipment and got ready for the arrival.
I had to have my phone close to me so that the producer could call me and tell me, “Ok they just knocked on the door, go ahead and answer it” (I live on the third floor of the apartment, There is no doorbell, and theres a door that leads to the stairs to that come upstairs. )
They arrived and the first thing they saw was my room, I have pictures on my wall so we just gazed at the wall for a while. I liked that part, Them just more calm and I was more at ease because we were talking and laughing and I was telling them who’s who in the pictures. and of course, my Liz wall, I remember Nev leaning in to tell me that Liz was a really cool person. Of course she is! lol. That time in my room was the most calm throughout the whole experience.
When it was time to talk, We got ready, got all situated. the crew was preparing their cameras and during that time, Nev, Max, Tracie and I were calm and actually making fun of Nev haha. I was starting to calm down a little more.
Once we started shooting, the discussion was more relaxed, more understanding. The parts that you guys didn’t get to see was the one on one conversation with me and Tracie. or the part when Tracie and I hugged, there was a funny moment there..
All in all, I wish Tracie would’ve came straight to me with all of this instead of calling catfish. I’m not crazy, psychotic or insane. It’s not like I go to their houses and peek through their windows or collect their hair, or have a frickin shrine!
Everything is not what it seems on that show. I hate that everyone thinks they know exactly who I am just from one episode. That episode changed so SO much in such a bad way that I can’t even explain.
Did I learn something?: Yes, I learned something when it happened two years ago!
Theres so many things that I just wish was shown. The way that it was edited… I can’t. believe that shit.
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