liter-(n)ature

Self-made bookshelf poetic chaos

[spidersinmysoup]

Spiritually my spirit is always smoking a cigarette but physically i am.not because hashatg smoking kills

[bruttal-scars]

[self-development-infographics]

[originalromanticsir]

When you found that person; you both know.

[bruttal-scars]

Isn't this exactly what I wanted. Someone to yearn for me; in silence. But why is it unnerving? And cruel?

[cruellesummer]

And, baby, that’s show business for you 

[bruttal-scars]

I can't quite decipher what is wrong with me. I often ask myself why I gravitate towards others for their validation. Whether it's friends, office colleagues, or social media friends, none of them seem to be interested in me. Nobody fucking wants to hang out with me and sit with me, talk with me or even wants to see me. Why is it that I don't understand, and they have no problem doing the same things with other people? Am I asking too much? I ask myself this too. But then I learned I don't. It's them who don't want to do anything with me. This happens every time and in the last few years, not a single person has agreed to meet me. It has been years and years and I don't understand why they don't want our friendship to remain strong or to grow together. They seem pretty okay, and I feel no awkwardness from their side over the phone. Maybe it's the chat? But who keeps their friend on the scene for days and months or leave unseen? Friends? Are they the ones whom I'm calling my friends? My birthday last year, before the last year every fucking year, they gave me reasons to be upset. Every birthday I cry either because of my family or because of my friends. No! I have more fun with my enemies. They are actually scared by me and this shows they all have a little bit of respect for me. They notice me and try to know me a lot more than all of my actual friends. I'm not calling them my friends. I feel like all the five to six years I gave myself to heal were for nothing. How many times do I have to explain to myself that I'm enough for myself? It's true, if I try hard, I'll get my friends close real fast. They will become my soulmates in no time, but the truth is, all the efforts will always be on my side. If they give thirty percent, I'll have to give seventy percent or even more. I'll have to wait on my tiptoes for their replies and callback. And that will give me anxiety and leave me with the trace of unpleasant and unwanted crippling thoughts. I would fall sick, lose my path again, disoriented like old times. And these are the things I'm afraid of most of the time. Before I shake hands with anybody, and before I try to explain more than three of their questions, I ask myself if I'm ready for this. I think and analyze most of the outcomes and consequences of the friendship from the very first three questions. And at that moment, I realized I could no longer connect with new people. Because this anxiety or fear of getting lost in someone is something I've buried deep within will come back in no time. And I'll get drowned. And that time no one would be there to save me. Not even myself. And even though I'm telling all these things in great minute detail, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I always gravitate towards other people's validation of everything I do. 

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Arthur Miller, The Crucible

[bruttal-scars]

I don't want anyone to yell at me for not eating. I want someone to know I haven't eaten and just deal with the fact. I also don't want anyone to bring food for me without asking me. My dad always forces me to eat food I don't usually like, but I just eat it for the sake of him. I think it's his love. A lot of the time, I refused him, and he became furious. I also think I ate mostly because I was scared of him getting pissed over at me for not reciprocating his love. Sometimes, he will bring things that I actually like and when I eat them happily, he gets happy too. I understood that he takes pleasure in his kids getting fed. But pushing your kids to eat things, knowing well enough that his kid dislikes them, falls into the right parenting? Does that make him a better father by stuffing his child's stomach with food and her with fear and anxiety? Now that I'm an adult, I can say it was love. It's his way of showing care just in a way I didn't appreciate and still don't. But he never realized, did he? And I wonder if he ever will. So now I'm also going to deal with it in my own way. At 25, I've realized I want someone to just ask me when I'm going to eat and what I would like to eat instead of asking why I haven't eaten. I don't want one to get angry anymore over me for not eating. I have dealt with it enough in my life. So let me sleep on an empty stomach and don't ask me the reasons because I don't have any. Getting scolded for eating has done this to me. I just want to sleep. With a headache caused by my appetite. It keeps me on the edge. And that's how I want to live. That's how I want to sleep. Tonight. 

[bruttal-scars]

[bruttal-scars]

Sharing a year old note ,jan 6th 2024

[mournfulroses]

D.H. Lawrence, from a letter featured in The Selected Letters of D. H. Lawrence wr. in November 1923

[bruttal-scars]

i’m at a stage in my life where i just want to be very quiet

[bruttal-scars]

novembers are for softest sleep when skies are dark & grey

[bruttal-scars]

I don't understand how people go from knowing everything about you to not even wanting to know how you're doing in your life. I don't understand how they're online yet not replying to my messages instantly knowing damn well that this is our first texts in months. I don't want them to reply in an instant but if I would've really mattered ,it would not have taken hours for them to reply. I don't understand how they say that you're the only one I can talk to freely but don't receive your calls after calling multiple times . I don't understand how they say I miss you and then disappear for days. I don't understand how they don't try to reach out to you when they know you were the one in their most difficult times holding their head above water, saying the things that you would have loved to hear from any of them..

[bruttal-scars]

I'm a mosaic of broken hearts and saddest truths ,i unfurl from within by a touch of golden fruit, Cantilever emotions holding onto one end but wide open on the other, my hands gets stuck in between, sailing out my ship into a vast unknown ocean, I couldn't keep up with the speed nor could I turnoff the switch, the lights are blinding shields, too bright even for a future.

[bruttal-scars]

I have an idea and it's so cool you'll love it. I'm going to open a library for you all.

[bruttal-scars]

I have decided. I'm going to write.My own life. My own tale. I'm going to write till my death. I'm going to write everything I wanted to. I'm going to write because now I'm not afraid. Of anything. Of anyone. I'm going to write things I'm afraid to say. I'm going to write things I never told anyone. I'm going to write things that are hard for me to speak. I'm going to write. And I have decided.

[bruttal-scars]

Falling out of love is a concept that I have never comprehended, and I hope I never encounter it in my life. The idea of two people being happy, in love, wholeness, and content, knowing every tiny minute part about each other from their favorite book to the amount of sugar they like in their tea, and not suddenly but in an eventual way through seasons they watch their love die a slow torturous death and do absolute bare minimum to save it is such an inhuman thing I've heard. I aim to be a smart person here by considering the way the human brain works, but I won't act like I know everything because I crave answers. The real ones. Despite my mind's justification, the juxtaposition of wants and needs, none of the books I have read paints a clear picture.

And what does "turned into a different person" even mean? Two people in love become one person, as far as I've known. Yeah, learning goes throughout life, but love? It's not a physical change; the volume remains the same; it's a thing to remain constant, so stop with the "falling out of love" crap, stop giving a term to everything just because it seems natural, because it was never love (maybe for you it was, but not strong enough to hold you two together), and also stop framing everything into kinds of love. I've had enough!