Buffalebrity

What if Western New York was the world? Send submissions to [email protected]

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by くずみん

※ Posted with artist’s permission. Do not remove source or repost.

[buffalebs]

Former Hot Topic Goths find spooky employment under Cuomo's Tonawanda Ten-Thousand

The start-up ecology of Western New York is leaving the primordial soup of giving away millions to businesses that relocate within a few years and has evolved at a rapid rate. As summer turns to autumn, savvy entrepreneurs are viewing vacant strip mall plazas as the ground zero of what Cathy Piciulo, President of the Ken-Ton Chamber of Commerce, has called the “Tonawanda Ten Thousand.”

“While Millennials have effectively killed off big-box stores, they do support some of the smaller businesses still in the plazas,” Piciulo said. These include head shops, hobby stores, and Chinese restaurants. What is lacking, however, is an anchor store to drive foot traffic.

“Our focus group testing found that “Goths” are the most likely sub-group out of any younger demographic to be found walking around for no good reason... Like zombies,” joked Steve Szortyka, the General Manager for Frightworld, “So the founder of our company took the opportunity to create a space just for them!”

Frightworld does the community a great service by not only filling up space, albeit temporarily, in suburban plazas, it also provides a space for neighborhood Goths to gather and even find work.

“Yeah, I dunno. It’s not bad. I make enough to get a dime bag from Ricky [last name redacted],” said a disaffected Goth youth of ambiguous gender.

However, older Goths seem to disagree and think Frightworld is “bad bad” as opposed to “not bad.” As Benjamin Joe wrote last year in Buffalo State’s The Record, “So, maybe I’ve just gotten too old… I want to sign waver forms. I want to be scared, and I believe you can do it.

When told about Joe’s criticisms, a disaffected Goth youth of ambiguous gender told Buffalebrity, “We jump out. We scare people. We get paid $9.50 an hour. What do you want from us?” We want to be scared, and we believe you can do it!

[buffalebs]

Local Comment Section Leaders to Erect Carl Paladino Statue in Niagara Square

Columbus Park Plan Jettisoned as “Too Disrespectful”

On August 17th, Carl Paladino was removed from the Buffalo School Board, freeing up the time of many activists who have spent the better part of the last year assembling at City Hall. Sadly, George Soros has yet to offer a severance package for those who Mr. Paladino has referred to as “paid protesters.”

While news travelled quickly on the alt-left medium of Facebook, the more sober and rational amongst the electorate turned to the comment sections of local news. Thomas Rush, living up to his name, was one of the first to comment, “Carl is a GREAT MAN!!! We NEED to erect a CARL PALADINO statue!” Quickly, numerous others agreed with the sentiment. The question was “where would make the most sense?”

Various places were put forth: outside of DiTondo’s, outside of Chef’s, outside of Santaserio’s but none of them seemed quite right. By 1:00pm, the search was down to two locales: Niagara Square or next to Columbus in Columbus Park, with both sides having passionate defenders.

The less sentimental favored Niagara Square. “It’s the seat of government, and we need to put something up before they tear down the obelisk—people are getting pretty antsy about anything historical these days,” said a Cheryl from Grand Island who’s children attend St. Mark’s.

However, those with more of a Mediterranean bent insisted that, in the words of one JT’s Urban Italian Bistro customer, “What better place to honor an Italian-American then right next to the greatest Italian of all time?” In between forkfuls of pasta, “I mean, the Americas would be one, big empty piece of land with no one living on it if it weren’t for the great Christopher Columbus!”

The battle raged on for a few hours—we are in the midst of a public art renaissance—until it was agreed by the majority of middle-aged white men that “Given the current political climate, we are better to distance ourselves from our great heroes of the past.” While KidRock2020 disagreed saying that “we are just being afraid of Libtards.” In the end, Niagara Square won the day.

Misteps?

The Albright-Knox’s Curator of Public Art Aaron Ott has stated that the statue will be carved by a woman of color, however quickly numerous people within the Italian-American community held a town hall, upset that the community wasn’t represented, nor were their opinions sought.

“Ott doesn’t even end in a vowel!” exclaimed Mike “Hands” Petri, from his stool at Bada Bing’s.

Stay tuned to Buffaleb for the latest details.

[buffalebs]

Uber & Lyft Don’t End Buffalo Car Culture Overnight

Local Millionaire Expected to Sue for Lost Parking Lot Revenue

You may have noticed that the amount of commuter cars this morning was completely unchanged due to the arrival of Uber and Lyft. “I posted on Facebook how excited I was the Uber has arrived, but I’m not sure if I can ask the driver to go through the Tim Horton’s window so I drove to work anyway,” said Stacy Kazwerzack of Hamburg. “Besides,” she added, “how would I even get a driver in Hamburg, anyway?”

Traffic was normally to steady across the major thoroughfares, with slow-downs in the usually places.

The Department of Transportation suggested that they expected very little to change. “People are talking about “disruption” and all this venture capital jargon, but the only disruption will see is if a sink hole opens on Main St near Canisius,” said Steven J. Stepniak, Commissioner of Public Works, Parks, and Streets.

Infringement Artist Rendering

Many Boomers, calling their children for lessons on how to set-up their accounts on their inherited iPhone 3’s, have voiced confusion and apprehension about not driving themselves after having six pints at RiverWorks. “We haven’t had any education about these,” Town of Tonawanda resident Marlene Merzacco said. “It’s not our country’s culture. It’s being brought in, so we don’t even know how to drive in them.”

While thousands of Western New Yorkers took to their screens to praise Uber, the more politically progressive minded millennials seized the opportunity to point out their information gathering prowess. “The public needs to know that #Lyft is fairer to their drivers,” insisted Twitter user @CapitalismsContradictions. User @SnowflakeMelter responded, “You probably Tweeted that from the back of an Uber car since you have a promotional discount!” No lattes were spilled.

[buffalebs]

With Betty Jean Grant’s Mayoral Announcement, David Simon Sues City Over Intellectual Copyright Infringement

Jeff Simon, critic at The Buffalo News, on behalf of David Simon, creator of HBO’s legendary series “The Wire”, is pursuing litigation against the City of Buffalo for “borrowing heavily from seasons three and four” Buffalebrity has recently learned from the papers filed this morning. 

“First Baltimore rehabbed the Inner Harbor into a tourist destination, then Buffalo created Canalside. While derivative, there isn’t much that could be done,” Simon says. He continued, “However, now that the Mayoral race in Buffalo is stealing from seasons three and four, well, let’s just say ‘Omar comin’”. 

 There are some parallels, but the experts at City Hall do feel the case can be won. In season three, Councilman Tommy Carcetti begins to prepare himself for a mayoral race. He manages to convince a colleague into also running for mayor to split the black vote. To quote The Buffalo News, “Grant, a longtime force in East Side politics, will take on incumbent Mayor Byron W. Brown, with the potential for the two to split the vote in the African-American community. If this occurs, the candidacy of Mark J. F. Schroeder could get a boost.

"To say that we will split the vote is to say only black people vote for black people. He (Brown) has insulted his own supporters. I have white supporters. It demeans the whole process," Grant said.”

Keep refreshing your browsers, as we here at Buffaleb expect to be updating this story where life imitates (or steals) from art.

[buffalebs]

Government Employees Hot Box City Hall on 4/20 for City's 185 Birthday

The prestigious address at 65 Niagara Square has been the epicenter of city life since the city was a small village and later incorporated on April 20th, 1832. Mayor Samuel Wilkeson, whose efforts to build the Buffalo Harbor was rewarded when the State of New York selected Buffalo as the terminus of the Erie Canal and he later then built his mansion on the west side of Niagara Square, presently the site of the current City Hall.

Its no coincidence that April 20th and the Unofficial Marijuana Culture Celebration date share this day, every year. When probed for answers, City Hall employee Carl Spodynski, who works in the Public Works department said, “You know the City of Buffalo has enjoyed its birthday for over 185 years and for as long as I can remember I’ve been stoned as shit every year.”

Employees enjoy commemorative “swag” celebrating both cannabis culture and the birth of the Queen City by the Lake with subsidized smoking merch bought right in the lobby at “Speedy’s One Stop”

When asked how it felt about the day long festivities in and outside of its body, City Hall itself released a statement as it coyly grinned high above the streets, rolling its own marijuana cigarette: “Ya know man, I dunno man, its just like, when you’ve been around as long as me man, it should be legal man. I was here just after prohibition, and my dad a block away man, ya know, Old County Courthouse, he was like, so against it bruh. It wasted a lot of time mahhnnn. Back in the 1890s they didn’t give a shit about no pot yo. Its like God made Weed, Man made Beer, Who do you trust?? And as I always say man, City of Good Neighbors, pfft, more like lets fuckin git lit bruh!

[buffalebs]

New Neighbors Demand Hoyt St Monorail

Talk of a Lafayette extension not far behind.

As the upper west side continues to have a flood of professionals with classic liberal positions, the talks for a monorail on Hoyt St are only intensifying. “All of my friends live within 4 blocks of each other now, and it’s cold in the winter time,” said a graphic designer.

“There is talk of expending the NFTA in the suburbs, but these blocks are under-served,” a local resident plugged-in to the start-up scene said on their way to work. A friend on a fixed-gear bike echoed, “True, and, like, we feel bad driving to each other’s houses.”

A Lafayette Extension?

While the Hoyt St monorail would help slow down traffic from cars speeding away from La Nova with a Mini Pak ($34.99 includes a large one item pizza plus a double order of wings or chicken bites), there is also a demand for an extension that would connect residents with the commercial center of Lafayette & Grant.

With Sweetness_7, West Side Stories, Black Dot Records, Global Villages, and Guercio’s all near the intersection, residents concerned about shopping local have expressed their desire to not only take public transport, but then to keep their dollars in the community in effect achieving the great liberal dream.

Buffalebrity has uncovered internal memos from the group which show that these people are organized:

We are worried about getting push back from the numerous faith communities near the intersection. To that end, we plan on asking the NFTA to make the monorail free on Sundays from 6:00am-1:00pm so that parishioners can ride for free. Besides, parking on Greenwood is a nightmare straight from the Book of Revelation on Sunday mornings—no one wants to do the walk of shame in front of all these people dressed up and ready for worship.

Will they succeed? Only time will tell. Stay tuned to Buffalebrity for updates as they become available.

[buffalebs]

Amphibious Woooo People Gear Up for Summer

Last September, Buffalebrity brought you ground-breaking coverage about the Woooo People: Woooo People Woooounded. We have recently learned that, undaunted, they are planning a new way to travel this summer: Buffalo Cycleboats.

Pictured above: Ladies enjoying a pedal tour outing just before tragedy stuck last September. 

Like their landlocked cousins, the Cycleboats will allow Woooo People to vaguely exercise as they drink beer. While sister station Step Out Buffalo has offered up the following reasons to rent one of these with a list including “birthday parties, bachelor and bachelorette parties, family reunions, corporate outings, plain old fun times out on the water” the sleuths at Buffalebrity have discovered the actual motivation for the Cycleboats is much more mystical: to discover the lost city of Lackawantis.

As the smoke has cleared in the City of Lackawanna, and all the green beer has been consumed from St Patrick’s Day, a small clandestine group of Woooo People have been meeting inside the Curtiss Hotel planning, plotting, and exercising.

Pictured above: An anonymoooos wooooer involved with the discovery efforts.

One Woooo Person, who asked for anonymity, told Buffalebrity: “It’s been rather intense. We decided the best way to hide was in plain site, and so the Curtiss [Hotel] was a logical choice. We look just like a Rotary Club—but there is much more going on.” While, for reasons of personal safety, specifics were not offered, they did go on to say that the Woooo People have a general idea of where Lackawantis is and that they have been training quite hard in preparation.

Pictured above: The official excavation site map for the hopes of locating the Lost City of Lackawantis 

“After the servers set-up the coffee station and leave the room, we go through a rigorous Pilates routine—it’ll be summer after all—and then we break off into groups and work on breath control techniques,” the informant said. When asked why they wouldn’t scuba, the reply was swift: “People in Lackawantis didn’t use scuba gear, and we need to honor their heritage. Also, it would look awkward and we don’t want to rock the Cycleboat.”

Pictured above: Capt. Paladino looks on as he sizes up how to get around these aquatic urbex explorers

Keep refreshing your browser, as there is bound to be more to this story coming. There is already speculation that Carl Paladino is considering demolishing Lackawantis (should it be discovered) for a parking ramp and that Ciminelli and Greenleaf are vying to build luxury apartments.

[buffalebs]

What are your thoughts about the Canterbury Woods at Gates Circle extravaganza?

Lots of dusty "Excuse me, where's EhlMwooD?!?!s"

[buffalebs]

Ambitious Boomer Plans on Preserving the 198

Taking a page from the Millennials playbook, Boomers are beginning to get in on the historical preservationist train. “The passion that the younger generation has for preserving history is infectious!,” said my mom wearing white capri pants.

Pushing her sunglasses on top of her head, she continued, “It is a shame we couldn’t save the Bachelor building from being torn down. What we learned from this is that it is better to have a pre-emptive Shock and Awe campaign and preserve areas that might be under threat in the future now, before anyone wants to develop them into a parking lot. To that end, we are working on getting the 198 declared a historic landmark.”

Confused, I went to Tim Horton’s and bought my mom a single-single senior half-caf and brought it over to her house to find out more.

“It use to be that you could drive a suggested 50 miles per hour on the highway, but then there was that single-event that got the Parkside Association up in arms and now we can only go 30 miles per hour—which I like, you can really see the original statue of David when you go slower,” she said with a cheeky grin on her face. “But I’ve heard rumblings that some people want this historic road to be paved over. Wait, no…what would you call it? Unpaved? Anyway, you catch my drift—there is talk about turning the entire thing into a park again. This seems like madness. They are just finishing those beautiful new on/off ramps for the Elmwood exit. If they take away the 198, how can I find the Elmwood?”

My mom has called for a organizational meeting at a local Panera’s to set the plans in motion and is currently looking for help setting up a Facebook page.

[buffalebs]

LOCAL EMPLOYEE SEEKS PARKING IN #NEWBUFFALO

A long-time resident of the Fruit Belt said, “For years no one wanted to come here, and we were always told to clean up our own mess. Now, everyone wants to come here and no one asks us our opinions on anything.”

"I just couldn't figure out how to reach the community that was over there," said a 30-year old Kaleida employee putting up a flyer in Spot on Elmwood, “So I thought maybe I’d have some luck here.”

The employee, upset that they’ve aged-out of Buffalo Business First’s 30 under 30, added, “I have a long track record working for successful for-profit companies that have figured out that giving a fraction of the money they save on taxes (amongst other benefits) to the politicians that have the power to grant them the tax breaks is an extremely successful model. Of course, I am just one person so it took my years to figure out how I could use this model as an individual.”

They went on to cite successful examples of the disruption economy: Uber, AirBnB, and Purple. After grabbing their drink from the barista bar, they stood a few feet from their poster, admiring the handiwork. 

“It looks like I am helping out the residents of the Fruit Belt. Here I am driving, and instead of parking in an All-Pro lot, I am giving some money to people who have lived there a long time. However, if you think about it, I am working for a company that is receiving a break to be at this campus that can only kinda figure out how to integrate with the neighborhood and then I am a person who is receiving a rate break-and the security of never having to look for a space-and kinda figuring out how to integrate into the neighborhood.”

When reached for comment, a long-time resident of the Fruit Belt said, “Congratulations? I mean, I like having a few extra bucks, but it’d be better if I could borrow their car and drive to this place called Wegman’s I keep hearing people yammer on about.”

Asked if a car-swap program was possible, the Kaleida employee said, “Pfffffttttttt! No way.” When asked if this was reasonable they quickly responded, “At least I’m not killing anyone!”

[buffalebs]

Elmwood Parking Pavilion

As he begins his quest to buy and develop all of Buffalo, heading south towards General Mills, Ciminelli has announced that they have purchased a prime chunk of real estate in the heart of the Upstanding Citizens United Elmwood Village. Purchased from the Kings of Leone (Don and Lori), for less than $10 million dollars to prove that gentrification isn't as bad as people insist in the city, Anne Duggan who is currently eating all the ziti she has earned as Ciminelli's Director of Marketing and Public Relations said of the transaction, "This closing is a positive next step in the development process, as we continue to solicit public feedback in shaping the details and design.”

Duggan has yet to comment on how much of the solicited feedback will be taken into consideration but did say, "If the changes to the building at West Delavan and Elmwood went through, we feel we can probably do what we want." When asked for a sneak peek she said, "Not to give it all away, but we are quite partial to the beige block of Elmwood near Auburn. The Panera/Agave/Spot building is inspired. Also, that mixed-used space across the street with Jimmy John's, the smoothie place that thinks In the Ghetto is a reasonable name for a smoothie in the middle of city-suburbia, an AT&T store and those condos? Exquisite."

The proposed project is intended to enhance the character and vibrancy of the surrounding neighborhood, while offering new retail, residential, and parking opportunities. We here at Buffalebrity couldn't be more excited for increased parking. Driving from Pano's to Bidwell is fraught with frustrated couples trying to take in the best of the city while looking for parking.

[buffalebs]

BATTLE ZITI Proves to be Al Dente

In a Guy Fieri-style food competition, regional rivals Buffalo and Syracuse battled for the western end of the I-90 in BATTLE ZITI. Sending boxes upon boxes of the dried, tubular pasta to Albany has landed all the participants in hot water.

The Buffalo Billions was a gift from the other side of the state to help out their less fortunate relatives. The code name not only reflects The Sopranos but also the divide within Italy as the North scoffs at the ‘ziti-eaters’ of the south. Joseph Percoro was said to giggling in Albany, “Sure, 'ziti' means 'the bridegroom', but I'm I’m only gonna wet my beak with Ciminelli and Aiello [ed: the Buffalo and Syracuse developers also charged].”

US Attorney Preet Bharara said, “However apocryphal, Percoro should’ve recalled the tale of Attila the Hun calling off his invasion of Rome after he developed gas from a plate of baked ziti presented by Pope Leo. It is a classic tale about the stench of corruption.”

Word on the streets is that the peasants cannot wait to learn what juicy dishes were being served when the case goes to trial.

[buffalebs]

Woooo People Woooounded

"On a scale of woooo to ten, this is a rather minor incident," said Buffalo Police Superintendent Daniel Derenda. But is it minor when the Woooo People suffer minor injuries?

Who are the Woooo People?

Since last summer there has been a large migration of Woooo People to the city of Buffalo. They travel in a shared transport caravan, that is designed to make both the people on the transport and those watching them think it is pedal powered. They are usually a slightly older crowd, often with a bawdy sign attached to the 'caboose', and the women have a tendency to look like the writer's mother: short hair, sunglasses, white pants. When they pass by they yell 'Woooo', hence the name. While not always welcomed at a bar, they are always obtrusive.

What woooon't they do?

With the incident on Sunday, September 11th, many were concerned that this might just be the beginning of a new reign of homegrown terror. To others, it was an act of solidarity with "Let's roll" in Pennsylvania, while others suspected they were re-enacting the path that the brave souls who risked everything on the Underground Railroad took on their way to Canada. Finally, some concluded it was a reaction to the Bills' opener loss. In any case, one bystander said, "What woooon't they do?"

[buffalebs]

#GATEGATE

Originally published in The Public by Bruce Jackson, a retired professor with excellent benefits, #gateGate took off and, through a ground-swell of community support-including a group of lawyers-the residents of Nottingham Terrace briefly put aside their love of smaller government to tell the Albert and Donna Haid what they can do with property they bought for 1.7 million dollars.

Chair of the Zoning Board, Reverend James Lewis commented, "As someone who comes from an organization that doesn't pay taxes, but does like to pass judgments, I wasn't sure what to do." In the end, the Zoning Board, whom the complaint was originally lodged with, asked that they not be bothered and requested the two sides come to an agreement.

Proving the great Margaret Mead bumpersticker correct, Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has., swift action once again comes for those who deserve it most. 

[buffalebs]

AMHERST UPSET BY SHARING BORDER WITH TONAWANDA & BUFFALO

"First a Walmart, now a f*cking meth lab!" exclaimed concerned neighbor Steve. "I mean, Breaking Bad was a phenom, but I don't want Netflix coming to life. What's next, Pokemon?!?!"

Beaming with pride, Amherst Police Captain Scott Chamberlin said, "Routine patrol, that’s what we do every day.”

We asked him if it’s routine to check underground.

He said, “We check in various areas that people who might be up to no good, might be using for no good. And it turns out, this time, we hit big time!"

Several people saw what was happening on social media and drove to Walmart. Dawn Clowen was driving home from work when she found out and decided to stop by.

"I mean, are we breathing in all this meth as we stand here? Are, you know, I mean, this is crazy. Just not a safe environment, I mean, you can't feel safe anywhere anymore," says Clowen.

As Amherst, "The Safest City in America", is not used to seeing this type of crime Buffaleb reached out to the city where meth labs and juiceries are as common as a man slowing down his car to check out a woman on Elmwood. Local entrepreneur Thomas Jablonski, always on the look out for an exciting opportunity, said, "A meth lab located conveniently under a Walmart parking lot is a breathtakingly perfect display of vertical integration."

Calls to Walmart headquarters in Arkansas were not returned at the time of publication.

[buffalebs]

Indie Bike 500

Elmwood Village Receives Bikes for Rent from Independent Health

The tony enclave known as the Elmwood Village received bikes for rent from area health insurance provider Independent Health. Wendy Sanders, President of the Elmwood Village Association, said, “We already have some of the highest real estate values in the area, and plenty of multi-vehicle homes, so the timing just seemed right.”

In a natural, off-the-cuff statement, Independent Health CEO Michael W Cropp, M.D. added, “We have long been known as the City of Good Neighbors, but we are increasingly being recognized as one of the most bike-friendly communities in the U.S. The rollout of Reddy bikeshare is the latest in a series of efforts to create healthy, environmentally sustainable, community-friendly transportation options in the City of Buffalo. Let’s get ‘reddy’ to ride,” added Dr. Cropp.

Shared Mobility CEO Micahel Galligano added, “More than 800 votes were logged both online and in person with considerable public appeal for specific locations including Delaware Park, Broadway Market, Buffalo Museum of Science, the downtown Buffalo & Erie County Public Library, and RiverWorks as well as Canalside and the Allentown and Elmwood Village neighborhoods,” said Galligano. “Riders will be able to pick up Reddy bikes at all these locations and plenty more.”

With the exception of the Broadway Market, all of these locations offer easy access to juice bars, pilates and yoga studios, and boutique shopping. “What a great time to be a Buffalonian!”, said fly-weight Buffalove champion Bernice Radle.