Bullets of Sanity

Journaling | Handmade Journals | Handlettering ✨✨✨ Calm energy and a quiet mind, but my journal will tell you otherwise.

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A col-erase pencil, a fountain pen, and water brush, and kneaded eraser may be my go-to supplies as color has been tripping me up. I should probably improve my drawing skills before moving to color?

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I started sketching recently as a way to break my habit of overthinking and observe my surroundings more closely.

I’ve always been loyal to journaling for my love of self-reflection, personal development, and awareness. But too much can drain the joy out of life and make me too critical. Drawing does the opposite, which has been refreshing. I still journal often, but having the two outlets helps restore balance.

I’ve already questioned the purpose of drawing SO many times and thought about giving up, but I refuse to give into that voice of sabotage. My husband picking up his guitar daily after years of not playing is helping me stay motivated to stay on track, too!

The plan is to lean into whatever inspires me in the moment and follow what feels natural.

Right now, that’s Morgan Harper Nichols, home decor, and the complexity of romantic relationships so my art will reflect that until something else captures my interest!

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In a couple days, I’ll officially be 3️⃣0️⃣. It’s funny how I thought I knew everything in my teens, I was lost and often out of touch throughout my 20’s, and I expected to freak out about turning 30. Surprisingly, I find a sense of peace reviewing the key lessons I’m taking with me in this next chapter. Here’s what I got:

▪️Find joy in the every day things at home instead of longing for the joy you see other people experiencing.

▪️ Loved ones are never to be taken for granted. We all know that’s true, yet we grow complacent and fail to notice details. Our loved ones need encouragement. They need reminders of why they need to keep pushing forward. Life can be an emotional game and many of us have an enemy always rooting against us - the voice in our head. Overpower that voice by making them feel seen, validated, or even just less alone. Every once in a while, look at the people you see regularly with fresh eyes - as if you are either seeing them for the first time or the last time.

▪️ Spirituality doesn’t come from church or self-help books. It comes from creation and communion. Quite simply, make things that make you happy and share them. Tune out the noise around you and tune into the creative part of yourself without a need to understand what you’re doing or why.

▪️The desire isn’t to make “good money,” it’s to do good work.

▪️Apply logic to your life, strive for knowledge, but stop overthinking everything. Truths are more difficult to decipher than ever before. Research leads to confusion and headaches, so get reacquainted with your intuition.

A few personal notes:

🔸Your best chance at maintaining happiness is to keep your energy up. When you’re depleted, everything appears to go wrong. Higher energy levels lead to more patience and a clearer, more optimistic outlook.

🔸I’ve accepted that my duties as a dedicated mom are difficult, but crucial. I’ve finally begun to pour myself into it and enjoy it without being bogged down by the pressure and responsibility. It’s a season of life that eventually will get easier, and I’ve been warned I’ll miss it. I’m committed to doing my absolute best at it through every step.

🔸I’ve replaced the impulse to judge others with the urge to express compassion and companionship. I imagine this change came from the efforts I’ve put into overcoming my own insecurities and recognizing the same patterns in other people.

🔸I’ve starved my body in my late teens to early 20’s and filled it with junk my whole life. Despite the poor treatment, it has done exceptionally well for me. Now it’s time I return the favor and fill it with the good stuff - fresh air, regular exercise, healthy food, little to no toxins, and a ton of grace.

I won’t fret over the fact that I could’ve learned all of this sooner had I not gotten sucked into stubborn cycles. Everything leading up to this point is part of my story, as well as a bigger story much greater than me.

I share this mostly because I think it’ll be interesting to look back and read this when I’m crying about turning 40! 😄

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The Fun I Didn’t Expect

Whenever I have a blast somewhere, it’s when I didn’t expect to have fun, in fact, I most likely dreaded it and complained about it. Every time I go somewhere expecting to have fun, however, I walk away disappointed.

Now this could be for a number of reasons.

- We aren’t supposed to have expectations at all. That’s what my mom as well as the self-help gurus always say, anyway. So basically, I’m punished for breaking this rule.

- It’s the divine paradox as Caroline Myss discusses in-depth in her teachings.

- It’s an effect of the energy I emit causing people to respond differently to me. When I’m excited, maybe I come off too strong, even overbearing. When I’m reserved and unsure, people try to cheer me up.

Either way, it’s difficult to stifle excitement towards plans coming up or even towards life in general when it’s going well. I’ve learned to plan for the disappointment, reminding myself that things won’t be as I imagine. Strangely, that doesn’t outsmart the system. It just prepares me emotionally so I’m not caught off guard.

The cool thing, and I think this is the point of all this, is to say this has been my personal experience for quite some time, but none of my loved one can relate, so it goes to show how much of our life experience boils down to perspective and the rules and systems that our life follows that others may not. We should consider our energy and our expectations, and learn to roll with the inconsistencies or paradoxes. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to anyone because maybe they aren’t even playing the same game.

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you fled from a full stop at high speed

rapidly reaching an unstable vitality.

now you’ve come back to the tune of reality,

take note of your calm, stable energy,

your grounded, innate state,

the way all your expectations were erased.

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this outcome is nothing like

i thought it would be,

the emptiness of living

in the so-called dream.

a pattern of back and forth,

seesawing between

working hard to get ahead

and collapsing in complacency.

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A few bullets of sanity. What’s your favorite saying written on this page? I like the point about taking pride in work.

Yesterday I folded a basket of laundry and actually enjoyed doing it.

I played a Hulu show on my phone in front of me and I took time folding each item using new techniques I saw on an IG reel. It was actually relaxing. I want to use this method to make all chores more relaxing. For more laborious tasks, I’d have to do podcasts or audiobooks instead of a show. Any recommendations on those?

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Nothing makes you ponder your childhood more than raising a child. I’m grateful I have a fond childhood to reflect back on, with so many fun memories. But I admit I’m not where I hoped I’d be by this point in my life and I can’t help but feel like childhood me would be disappointed. It’s never too late to create the life you want though.

On another note, I want to think of different backgrounds to incorporate into my lettering. I don’t think florals suits me. Any ideas of other styles or designs? I’m going to start by experimenting with abstract.

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Does anyone struggle to choose one art form to pursue? I mean, of course we should explore and experiment with limitless creativity. But at the same time, I do want to hone in on writing OR drawing. I’m decent at best at both, better at lettering.

I aspire to get skilled at one. But I get little feedback to help me figure out whether I have potential to succeed at either craft.

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What happens when you no longer care if people like you? In fact, you don’t want them to even know you. You keep a growing distance, whatever they think, you let them assume. Hell if it isn’t conceivably true. But what effect does that have on you?

What happens if you no longer believe in love? You don’t seek it or bother to express it.

What happens when you no longer respect your body? So what if it’s healthy or ugly, dying or pretty? When was the last time you were even seen?

Do these feelings hit you like a towering wave? Or are they a gradual progression? Bullet wounds from harsh words, stabbings of rejection? Does it not take one person, a few gentle words, a glance from admiring eyes - to pause the slow death, to stop you in your tracks, to make you wonder, to change your course, to care again, to find your worth, to believe you can.

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Five weeks ago, I started a clean eating program. I’ve lost 11 pounds and feel exponentially healthier. That may not seem like much weight, but I’m ecstatic. It showed me how much I can accomplish when I stay consistent. It’s rewarding to see the fruit of my efforts. The changes I’ve experienced were more emotional and mental than physical. Yeah, my clothes fit better, but I found my confidence. Now, I’m hungry for more growth. I want to begin a new chapter in my self development journey.

A creative challenge.

Every evening, I will write a sentence to sum up the highlight or standout moment of my day. It could be a thought, quote, event, or mundane fact. But I will make an art piece out of it which will include an illustration and quote.

I’ll start with 11 days. And if I decide I love it and want to commit longer, then I can’t imagine where will I be in 5 weeks. Maybe I’m creating this challenge to improve my drawing skills or find my artistic calling, but I’ll be surprised to reach new levels of gratitude. Who knows? But I know 5 weeks fly by and I can’t wait to reflect on my growth.

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How to develop thick skin?

Self-improvement. That’s the key. Aim to have fewer sore spots, no buttons people can push. Fixing your flaws will melt away your insecurities. You’ll see progress with your own eyes, and that’s far more powerful than someone else’s words.

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Someone explain why nobody talks about Nicholas Sparks anymore? I was in a reading slump and this book is just what I needed. I’m only about 50 pages in, but I’m loving it. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this excited for the end the day just so I can relax and read.

I’ve never heard anyone talk about this book. My mom randomly picked it up from Costco and lent it to me. Have you read it?? And are you a Nicholas Sparks fan?

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If you do something crazy, you can bet that I’ll use it to practice my creative writing in my journal later.

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I’ve always wanted to make a habit of getting up early and doing morning pages - that’s 3 full stream-of-consciousness journal pages before you do anything else. I haven’t read the famous book that initiated that idea, The Artist’s Way.

The thing that stopped me from writing was not having a path to success planned out. I wanted to know what type of writing suited me and how to work up to making a living from it. I don’t care about that anymore. I’ve been loving and appreciating all forms of writing. It’s fun to study the crafts and learn about the greats. Even if I just scribble 3 pages in my journal, write a post on Facebook, IG, or Tumblr, work on a novel, or write an article on Medium, I’m happy to be doing what brings me joy.

I wrote an article about some major diet changes I made. I lost 10 stubborn pounds in about 2 1/2 weeks. I hadn’t realized before the journey that I was using food for joy. Now that I’ve put poor habits to rest, I am finding joy in more productive ways such as writing, cooking, and planning my soon-to-be 2 year old’s party with my mom. Life is good, and it’s even better when you take charge of it. ⭐️

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My fur baby is finally feeling better after a mean stomach bug overtook him. One trip to the vet, three sleep-deprived nights, and several bowls of boiled chicken and rice later, he’s finally returning to his fun-loving self.

I started reading an unfinished draft I tucked away several months ago. For one, I see I’m way too hard on myself. I’m no gifted writer, but reading through the 37 pages I wrote, I’m a little impressed. It’s not awful. I’m editing it, mostly correcting present to past tense. does writing in present tense feel more natural to anyone else? Anyway, once I’m caught up on editing, I’ll continue on with it.

Since my eyes can no longer handle staring at a computer screen for hours on end, I’ll be reading this book to break it up. Why does nobody talk about Nicholas Sparks anymore? I’ve never heard anyone mention this one. I’ve only seen his movies, never read his work so I’m excited and hopeful this one can pull me out of my reading slump.

What are you reading? Oh, and have you ever read your past work and felt proud of what you had written as if you weren’t the one who created it?

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The day I experienced the lowest point of my relationship, I wore a black and grey checkered shirt I liked. Every time I wore it afterward felt like a bad omen.

That night, I watched a movie to distract myself from the heartache. It’s as if I transferred some of my pain into the TV screen. To this day, a trace of those memories are still harbored in that film.

That week, I wore a brand new new dainty bracelet with uplifting charms, one that said “let it go,” which fell off. I found it in the most random spot, and I took the whole ordeal as a message from God on how I should handle the big decision awaiting me. I never wore that bracelet again.

Today, I’m going through a hard time, much milder than the aforementioned one. I’m afraid to leave a mark of pain on anything I touch. I’m afraid to leave tainted memories behind. I’m afraid to spoil something I love.