I’ve always been the type of person that hurts alone. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing I don’t know, but it’s been that way for as long as I can remember. You could ask anyone in my family, I’ve always been ill-tempered whenever my isolation was threatened. I’ve always just felt this nagging feeling around people, a little voice in my head saying “I wish everyone could just leave me the fuck alone”. It’s a habit that started so early in my life that I wouldn’t be able to tell you for sure how it started. It’s just this inexplicable feeling I get.. of suffocation. I’m always hurting, at least that’s how it appears by the evidence, because that feeling of needing to be alone has never quite disappeared from my heart. I may oftentimes surround myself with people: sometimes it’s out of boredom, or a desperate need to escape from something else. I feel that although my sentiments are genuine for others, most people will never get my genuine love. just a facade of sweetness to cover up the fact that I’m just resting a tiny bit before I have to start running yet again. What depletes me the most is that because I know I’m only there out of convenience, I try to balance it out by providing something so that it won’t be unfair or one-sided as far as benefits go. My mentality has always been like this: “I’m running, I am scared and I am taking refuge in you: let me help you with something while I’m here, let me make myself useful while I’m here. I’ll probably be gone soon, so the least I could do you is a favor that way nobody owes anybody shit when this is all over”. Funnily enough, most people still end up feeling like I owe them something when really, no matter the person, I will always get the short end of the stick. In the end, I am the one hurting, I am the one alone, I am the one with nobody by my side and I am the one left to deal with all these things chasing me that I can’t seem to escape from, all these issues that I have that nobody would ever understand. All these things I have to deal with alone, because I’d rather deal with them alone than have them used against me, thrown in my face or held over my head to manipulate me. To me, it’s okay for someone to not accept my defects, I just don’t wanna add more onto my already long list of pains and sorrows and so I’d prefer to be alone. I have a lot to work through, and lately it’s been feeling so hopeless. I know I’ll be okay. I’m just going through a lot, as usual. Anyway like they say, this too shall pass. It will. I’ll be starting my new life before I know it.
