can you ever just be whelmed?
I was 17 when an adult told me that there was something wrong with me because I always seemed down. Yes, I had felt depressed most of my adolescence but I had a boyfriend at the time, a job, was finishing high school and had great teachers. I wasn’t suicidal or anything, just needed to learn how to cope better when things went wrong. I was immediately and very easily prescribed an SSRI (antidepressant) and I believe it changed the course of my life in a very negative way. I subsequently had numerous suicide attempts and ideation and when any negative circumstance or situation came my way, I ran to that opinion that was planted in my developing brain that something was wrong with me.
This is something I realized recently and I am now 28. 10 years of my life taking drugs that I didn’t need all because of a society that believes that feeling down given the world we live in is somehow wrong.
I am a sensitive being by nature but that doesn’t make me weak. I didn’t need drugs or even therapy really, I just needed to live life and experience pain and joy.
I say all this because there is a clear difference between someone who is mentally ill and someone who is just different and doesn’t fit into society’s standards of what a happy person should look or act like. I found solace in many things back then that I’ve been struggling to reconnect with in my adulthood. I was frequently alone, but never lonely. I had books, and films, my random unpaid subscription to HBO, exploring my neighborhood on my bike or rollerblades, dial up internet, AIM, a million illegally downloaded songs, and writing.
Young Toni had a very interesting outlook on life that at times may have been viewed as cynical but it was real and it was pure. I miss her sometimes and occasionally she shows up to remind me that there’s nothing wrong with me. We all grow and we evolve and who we are and who we can become are infinite.
I hope this helps someone struggling to find themselves in a world that continues to tell you to be someone else. I leave you with the words of my ubiquitous yearbook signature: Stay you, don’t ever change.
dededos
areudirty
jbbartram-illu
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
izzy806
ellievsbear
