cxxx

@c-x-x-x

30 posts

WHAT DID I JUST DO?? God I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack everyday until that day.

Sometimes I wish someone would tell me that everything I’m feeling is okay and valid. That I’m allowed to be lonely most days. That it’s okay if I don’t want to get out of bed, it’s okay to cry and feel like the world is crashing down, it’s okay to miss her, it’s okay to still love her the same way I did all these years, it’s okay to shut things off for now, it’s okay to not be ready to move on yet, it’s okay to still be waiting and hoping. People keep telling me to move on with good intentions, but sometimes I wish someone would tell me to just take my time. That it’s completely understandable to not know how to get over a relationship you thought would last. It’s okay if I still keep checking my phone to see if today she sent me a message, it’s okay if I stare at my phone wallpaper, remembering the day I took that photo of her. It’s okay to miss her voice, her company, her family, all the ups and downs, everything that comes along with what we had. It’s okay if I’m not ready to let go, and not sure when I will be.

Wide awake,

Wishing I wasn’t.

three.

pagod na ako maging ako.

anong nangyari?

When darkness creeps into your mind,

And the city seems too busy to be bothered,

I hope you know I’ll always be on the other end of the line.

Today I got out of bed after a week, and this is the best I can do for now.

The last thing I want for you to feel is guilt, because as much as it hurts, I trust your decision and know that you only did what you thought was best for yourself. There is nothing more I can do but pray that you’ll one day realize that coming home will be your next best decision.

Do you trust me?

I want to stay in my dreams for as long as I can. I want to keep my hands locked in yours whilst we walk down a dark road in the middle of the night. We’re laughing, happy, and half nervous that we’re being followed by shadows. I’ll rest my head on your shoulder when we’re tired, and kiss you just before we get back up. So many hugs because you know I easily get cold, and you’re the best at keeping me warm, both inside and out. Everything is silent, everyone is asleep, I look at you under street lights and smile, knowing there is nowhere I’d rather be. I could do this everyday. We could be walking and soaking in the breeze and I’d be fully content. No need for anything grand or special, just being with you is already such a pleasure. When you get tired from walking, which you always do, we’ll go look for a Mcdonald’s and settle for their so-so coffee, because nothing else is open at 2 in the morning. I’ll always wait for the last bite of your chicken, and we’ll always fight over the last french fry, and laugh about the things we’ve probably already talked about a hundred times. We’re never bored. There’s never a dull moment. I look at you and I am happy. I am satisfied with life. I am thankful that it’s you and me. I pray that this moment never ends. Or that we get to have a million more moments like this. Don’t forget about the ice cream before we head out. Thank you in advance for again giving me the end of the cone. My favorite. You’re my favorite. Let me have you forever. Let me love you forever. Let this be our life. I hope you don’t get bored of just talking and walking around with me. I want to stay in my dreams forever.

Most days I hate waking up and realizing what my reality is.

How can I stop brutally punishing myself everyday? I had you, and I managed to lose you.

The phrase “so near yet so far” has never felt more true.

Sometimes i scare myself. Im scared of how easy it is for me to self-destruct, let myself go, and almost completely not care about the consequences of my actions. What if this is the day I go too far? What if I go completely numb and do something so reckless I’m going to later on regret when I snap back to reality? I really scare me.

It took so many years, yet saying it now still feels so weak of me, that I miss my anchor who keeps me in place. I need an anchor to keep me steadily afloat. I keep finding myself so lost in my own sea and just thinking of getting back to shore alone seems more exhausting that just letting myself float away, go with the wind, let it take me where it wants.

running on 0 hours of sleep, nicotine, and caffeine. I might as well just bang my head on the wall.

I hate mochas, but today out of nowhere I miss it. I know I’ll miss you a bit more today.

- I did end up getting an iced mocha today. I miss you.

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