anyway i do think shane experiences his first depressive episode after the honeymoon. everything just sort of settles in him, the weight of it all and the voyageurs and the decade-long relationships he's lost, the fact that people are burning his jersey outside the arena, the loss of privacy and choice and agency. and suddenly he's just so heavy, and he can't eat and he can't sleep but at the same time he's not getting out of bed. he shakes like a leaf and has nightmares and doesn't even want to open the curtains because the light, he says, gives him a headache.
ilya is so fucking worried about him, because he still doesn't quite believe that depression can get anyone. in his mind, he's lazy and lacks self control and deserves the ugly, awful feelings that pin him to the mattress every other month. but shane is discipline personified, so structured and controlled that the fact he hasn't gotten out of bed for three days is enough to have ilya calling his parents and the team doctor and rose.
and then he crawls into bed with him at the end of the fourth day and kisses his shoulder and says please, sweetheart, why are you crying, what's wrong? what can I do? and for a second he thinks maybe, because shane rolls over to face him, cheeks all splotchy and eyes swollen and he looks so fucking sad, but at least he's looking at him.
but then shane says "I think you've made a really huge mistake," and Ilya's stomach drops through the fucking floor, because-- what? what mistake, what is he talking about?
shanes face crumples and he's sobbing again, words spilling out about how I've ruined your life, Ilya, you can never go home, you're tied to me now and I'm clearly fucking cursed or something, your career, everything, and soon you're gonna realise that and I don't know if I can take it, I've lost so much already, Ilya, they just threw me away. they were so happy that I was leaving. I built that fucking team.
and ilya doesn't interrupt, because he's never seen shane like this, and clearly he needs to get it off his chest. but he does pull him as close as possible and squeeze him and kiss his head and say it's okay, sweetheart, you could never ruin me, they did not deserve you, I love you, I love you, it'll be okay, you can cry, sweetheart, it's so much and you are so strong until his breaths even out and the sobbing subsides
and shane finally gets a full night of sleep, tucked up in his husband's arms, with promises that tomorrow they'll speak to terry together, and that things will be okay
jbbartram-illu
2087
baratheonpilled
dededos
