.
Solar cycles had passed since Starscream had last seen the sun’s light. Locked away in his and his trine’s berthroom, Starscream laid in their shared berth and buried himself in the remnants of their scents. It had been some time since Thundercracker and Skywarp had become one with the All Spark. Time had managed to ebb away a small portion of the pain Starscream felt. Unfortunately it had also begun to erase the other mech’s scent from their berthsheets. Their presence in the berth had become less potent. Less comforting.
He cursed whatever filthy Autobot had shot them from the sky, taken them away from him. Trines were forever, to hold, to help, and comfort. He dug his talons into the berthsheets. What was he to do? He desperately needed them, their comfort and warm embrace. Just like all the times before.
“I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked as he pushed his face into a plush pillow. “I-I’m s-ss-so sorry.” Stumbling though his words, he gasped and forced what he could through the sobs. “I couldn’t hold on to it... I tried, I swear to you, I tried.”
Past the sounds of his misery, he heard a knock from the berthroom door. It was soft, almost as if wishing to go unheard entirely. But he had heard it.
“Go away.”
Against his wishes, the door slid open. Starscream bolted up, snarling at the intruder.
“I SAID GO AWA--A-ahh...mn.” Starcream’s anger crawled back into his weakened chassis, horrified at the sight of the warframe who stood in the doorway. “My lord, forgive me...”
Megatron strode silently into the berthroom, the door swishing closed behind him. He held a cube of energon out to the exhausted Seeker.
“Here, Starscream.” His voice was low, one may even call it gentle. “You haven’t refueled in solar cycles.”
“I’m not hungry.” Starscream turned his helm away, refusing the drink offered to him.
“Starscream, be reasonable.” Megatron pushed the cube closer. “You may not want it but you do need it.”
“Leave me be.” Starscream pulled his knees against his chassis, wrapping his arms around them and pressing his helm into the cupped space there. He mumbled something else, but it was lost on Megatron’s audials.
“I do not believe your trine mates would wish you to starve yourself.”
“How do you know what they’d want?” Starscream snapped, staring up at his master with optics full of coolant. “They’re dead and gone...” He winced. “J-just like our sparkling.”
“I understand you feel tha--”
“No you don’t!” Starscream gripped the sheets beneath him. “You don’t understand anything! T-that sparkling was the only thing I had left of them and it’s gone! It’s dead! And I’ll never had that piece of them, that piece of us, ever again in my life.”
The larger mech remained silent, letting the small Seeker vent his frustrations.
“I should have known this would happen!” Starscream gripped his helm in his servos. “That’s all I do! My frame isn’t good enough to create anything! Every newspark that’s seeded in me wastes away into nothing!”
Megatron narrowed his optics, watching as Starscream sank further into his self deprecation.
“E-even in happiness, with no problems or worries,” Starscream balled his servos into fists. “Every single time, I lost them! Why would I thi-- I’m so stupid! Don’t you see? I’m so stupid for thinking I could ever deserve some small remnant of them.” Coolant flowed from his optics and he struck himself in the helm. “I’ve never been good enough to keep a newspark. I’m worthless, I’m so, so worthless.”
“That’s enough.” Megatron finally moved, grabbing hold of Starscream’s servos, preventing him from striking himself again. “Calm yourself, Starscream.”
“Let go of me!” The Seeker yelled, thrashing against the larger mech. “Let me go! If I’d wanted you here to begin with I’d have called for you!” He let out an anguished scream as the warlord pulled him close to his chassis. “Raaagh!! Let me be alone in my misery!”
“It’s alright, Starscream.” Megatron’s voice was steady and low. He held tight to his second in command, wrapping him in a strong embrace. “That’s it...” Starscream began to go limp in his arms. “It’s alright.” He loosened his grip, gently shifting Starscream into a more comfortable position. “There.”
“I’m so stupid.” The anger was gone from the smaller mech’s voice. When Starscream spoke, his voice rang with sorrow alone. “I should have known I would kill my sparkling.”
“The sparkling’s death is not your fault, Starscream.”
“And just how would you know?” Starscream mumbled. “It has to be my fault, there is no one else to blame.” His voice was weak and tired. “Primus knows I’m not worthy of a sparkling. He always takes them from me. Saving them from me.”
“Starscream,” Megatron took Starscream’s chin in his thumb and index digit. “There may have been others, but that does not make it your fault.”
He felt warm, almost as if he were with his trine... No. He pulled away from Megatron, slouching over and hugging himself loosely.
“Somehow, it’s always fresh.”
“Come again?” Megatron leaned a little closer.
“I always think, if I can just clench hard enough...” Starscream’s voice was hardly a whisper. “That if I can just keep my gestation tank from purging, that maybe I can save it.” His optics shut tightly. “But I can never hold tight enough.”
Megatron remained silent, optics shifting from the Seeker’s face, down to his trembling stabilizers and back. Starscream was gently rocking himself.
“I hear the click of my panel retracting,” He hunched himself further over, servos slipping down to hug his stomach. “That dreadful noise. Then I can feel the small bits and pieces of what was meant to be the rest of my life, slip away from me.” Starscream shuddered, opening his optics and staring at the swirling energon in the cube adjacent to him. A pang of nausea struck him. “The energon his soaking my thighs.” Starscream goes silent for a moment. “But the worst part is being so very helpless.”
“Starscream...”
“Spilled out before me is everything I’ve ever wanted.” Starscream turned his helm to his master. “Why I am so helpless to stop it?” Starscream continued. “To feel my newspark grow... And then slip away.” Gazing up to Megatron, his tears flow anew. “And you don’t know if you designate them or bury them... Or if you simply throw them away. Those little pieces of happiness that couldn’t quite make it.”
The warlord stared down at the trembling mech before him. There were no words to ease Starscream’s grief, so he simply chose to be. His servo twitched, unsure if a gentle touch may help, but he couldn’t bring himself to move any closer. That was when he felt it. The gentle caress of those delicate and deadly claws against his own servo.
With that small act of permission, the warbuild gently took his second in command into his arms. He felt a strange twinge in his core that he couldn’t quite place. Not that it mattered at this moment. He raised a servo and gently placed it onto Starscream’s spinal strut, stroking gently as the tiny frame finally relaxed against him.
