Of course, I fell in love with you right away. It was easier, the second time 'round. I knew what I was up against. I knew you'd let me down and I knew I'd fuck up. I knew we wouldn't work and I knew I'd love it.
It was easier because I was prepared. I knew exactly what every thing you did meant. Your hand on my thigh, that smile, paying for dinner then disappearing for days.
It was easier because you trusted me more. You didn't bullshit your way through every conversation like the last time. You know I see through you. I know your soul. Straight away, you told me about your mom, how your relationship had gotten worse. You told me you couldn't wait to escape. That you craved freedom. I didn't have to go prodding around and second-guessing because you told me all by yourself. You're honest with me now and it's easier to be honest back.
It's easier, maybe the easiest thing I've ever done, falling in love with you, but, damn, it's hard. You hurt me, back then, you ripped me up and left me for the vultures. You ruined whatever chances I had at being happy with someone else. I've spent so long hating you. I've stayed up all night asking myself why you did what you did. Why me? Why build me up and love me only to fuck off? I've spent so long thinking you did it on purpose, and I treated you like shit. Whenever you tried talking to me, whenever you tried to apologise (which you're not very good at, by the way), I shut you out. I treated you how you made me feel. The only way I knew how to cope with the pain was to hurt you right back. Cut you deeper, show you what it feels like to mess with my brain.
I know now that that was wrong. I know you thought you were doing the right thing when you broke my heart.
And I'm not even mad at you. It's not your fault that it's so easy to love you but also so hard and damn scary. I'm scared, that's what it is. I'm scared because we destroyed each other. I'm scared because when I look a you I know, whole heartedly, that you are all I'll ever want and need.
I just wish that we could forget last year. I wish I could go back to that day when you first introduced yourself with that smile and those eyes. And I wish I could tell us what we were walking into. How it'll hurt. I think we'd do it anyway.
Perhaps, actually, there's not a thing I would change. Because this is who we are. This is how we became who we are. We were both individually broken when we met and I think we collided a little too quickly with a little too much force and I think we broke impossibly further. But I also think we're fixing each other up. Our pieces are so muddled and mixed there's no possible way we could be complete without a bit of the other.
It's ok to love a little crooked. It's ok to bounce back. Because I think, if we're meant for each other, if I'm truly a part of you as much as you are a part of me, then I don't think there's anything in the whole wide universe that could possibley stop us from, eventually, falling in love.
annaxmalina
romaincrisis
snowghoul
kaledo-art
janainaart