My animals, ranked from most to least ear
#1 Pirlouit! You win!! You win because I organised this contest specifically to make you feel better about ranking last in the previous one. Congratulations!
Your ears don’t even fit in the frame, that’s how much of a winner you are.
#2 Pampérigouste, my love, your ears are excellent and I almost gave you the first place but that would have defeated the whole purpose of the contest, I’m sure you understand. Still, look at you, you ridiculous little camelid. Your ears are so long and slender they were the first thing that broke off when the Snow Pampe thawed.
#3 Pandolf. Your ears looked ridiculous when you were a baby so this is partly a nostalgia ranking (then your nose just wouldn’t stop growing, which made the rest of you look well-proportioned in comparison.) (I also mentioned your nose in the last contest, one day I will organise a snout competition just for you)
Another reason why Pan deserves the third prize is because of this important ear fact: at night after his last walk he lies down in front of the door and whines for me to let him in. The door is half-glass and in this position only his ears can be seen, and when they’re covered in snowflakes it makes a pattern that makes him look like a phosphorescent owl staring at me with inquisitive eyes. Nighttime photos always disappoint so here’s a pictorial representation of what waits for me behind the door on winter nights:
#4 Merricat has been elected cat representative for December but I could have picked any of my cats to illustrate my point: cats can never win or lose an unusual body proportion contest because they are the perfect shape from head to toe bean. Their ears are not too big, not too small, not banana-shaped, not a convoluted Minotaur maze like the human ear, they are the Platonic ideal of the hearing organ and the same applies to every part of the feline body.
#5 The chicken sisters. You might say, wait, there’s still one animal left and chickens haven’t got any ears. Surely they should rank last? All I can say is, as a mammal I feel an inborn, vestigial terror of angering these dinosaur-looking creatures and I will never pronounce them losers in any contest. Not even the long snout contest.
#6 Which brings us to Pampelune. My apologies to this deserving young mother llama but there isn’t a single ear to be found anywhere on your body. I checked. I looked thoroughly. I took one cursory look while the chickens clucked cretaceously behind me.
Sorry, you can’t submit more than one picture for the contest. That would be unfair to the other animals. Better luck next time, Mama Pampy!