Hi whoever runs this blog, it’s Sam.
It hadn’t even occurred to me when I deleted that someone else would take over, but it’s really sweet that you did. I mean this whole thing, it’s really really kind. Especially considering I up and disappeared out of the blue on you guys. I’m sorry about that, that was inconsiderate and selfish of me. I had a reason, it wasn’t a good one, but I had one. I just wanted to get on here and tell you guys why I deleted everything so nobody (particularly the people I talked to a lot on here) thinks I’m dead or don’t care or anything like that.
Bottom line I got super depressed. If you wanna stop reading now, you can and know that that’s the reason why I deleted. If you wanna hear me be ungodly rambly and oversharey one more time then go ahead and read on.Â
So a bit before I deleted I put out a heads up letting everyone know I’d be a bit slow with the writing in the coming weeks because of a combination of the fic being long, real life getting busy, and a bit of my old depression coming back due to stress. I didn’t really expect it to get very bad because at that point I was operating on the assumption that I wasn’t headed into a full blown depressive spell, just that depressiony symptoms were my body’s way of dealing with stress. Not that you guys need to know this, but I’ve always been a bit of a crier when I get stressed. I mean drop of a hat and I’ve got big dumpy two year old tears. So at the time I put that post up I was full on expecting the next few weeks to be rough and then I’d be out of the woods. (I knew work was gonna ease up mid-February, and on the whole coming out thing I figured once I got myself to rip the bandage off and tell my parents it’d be downhill from there and I just figured all the other little stressors would work themselves out eventually.)
And then I got a big shock, the depression suddenly got way worse. I mean, I haven’t had what I would truly class as a depressive spell in two years. I had a health issue a while back, and after that got cleared up the depression went away. So I’d been operating under the assumption that depression was no longer an issue for me. Which is why it was such a surprise when I found myself acting very similarly to how I did in when I was full on depressed. This meant I didn’t have any of the protective measures that I used to set up. I’ve fallen off on my meditation, haven’t seen a shrink in two years, not medicated, not journaling, and not sticking to a rigid sleep schedule. I mean really I had none of my safety nets in place, because I thought it wasn’t a problem anymore. So when he depression started up, not only was I very invested in believing it wasn’t depression, I also wasn’t set up to protect me from me.
And that’s how I wound up in a pretty bad spiral for the space of a week. Lots of crying and isolation and lack of sleep, pretty much as stereotypical as you can get. I was one raincloud away from a Zoloft commercial. Smack dab in the middle of that I deleted all of my online accounts. I mean everything. If it makes you guys feel any better at all (although I can’t imagine why it would) I didn’t just delete my tumblr. I deleted my Facebook, my AO3, my instagram, my email, I mean I trashed everything. I even deleted all of my writing off my fucking computer. I just wanted to disappear. I also spent most of that week withdrawing from Allie and my friends and family. I started shoring up all these old walls I used to have in place to make it seem like I was okay.
And that really gets to the root of why I deleted. (Other than a sheer depression driven need to self destruct.) It’s a weakness of mine that I’m terrible at asking for help. I’m terrible at letting people in when I get sad. I grew up in an insanely empathetic household, it was like a house of mirrors. So I learned to show someone else your pain was to make them hurt. If I’m sad and I tell you, well now you’re sad too. It’s still something I’m working very consciously on overcoming, even when I’m not depressed. And it’s easier for me to share that I hurt when I know the hurt is fleeting. With depression I can’t promise that. I can’t promise I’ll be happy again tomorrow or a week from now or at my worst even a month from now. And so it’s very hard to let someone in on that level of sadness, because I don’t want you to have to be sad for that long.
In the coming weeks, one by one, my old friends started to notice something was up. They’ve seen me this way before, and some of them have depression as well. They knew enough about me to hazard a guess at what was going on and a talk with one of them helped me admit that I need to put the old defenses back in place. That in turn also helped me open up a little to Allie and she’s been really wonderful about all this. As of right now I’m doing better than I was, but some days are really rough and trying so hard to be open leaves me feeling vulnerable all the time.Â
I know this all sounds grim. And I promise I’m not faking happiness when I say I’m gonna be alright eventually. I’m a trooper and I really don’t want you guys to worry about me because of this letter. I’ve gotten through worse depressive spells than this. It’s just a big adjustment to accept that they’re going to be an issue again. That and it’s just fucking exhausting. I’d somehow forgotten how tiring depression is. But I’m getting myself back on track slowly, and I’ve got the benefit of an unbelievable support system. So know that there are people looking out for me.
But because it’s so stress inducing for me to open up at this point, I’m afraid I won’t be coming back to tumblr for a while, maybe never. (Even something like this letter goes against the grain for me, but I felt like you all deserved an explanation.) And knowing that tumblr is an escape for people I just don’t think I’d be able to resist my urge to fake happiness. And I’m not writing much right now anyway. Of the many wonderful things depression does, it tends to sap the fun out of things you once loved.Â
As for the fics, I’m sorry I don’t have them. I’d give them to you if I did. I’m really, really sorry about that. But I see a few posts down on here some of you have them saved or downloaded and have started another blog. It’s so incredibly sweet of you guys to put that behind a password since you didn’t know why I deleted. I mean, the responses I’m seeing on this page are the kindest, most respectful things anyone could’ve asked for. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you guys as readers and friends.Â
Moving forward you guys have my full permission to post those fics anywhere you want. Whatever you have saved or reblogged or liked, you’re welcome to put it up on here. You’re welcome to put it up on AO3 if you like. I know that some of my fics are still over on fanficiton.com because when I tried to delete they told me I couldn’t and that fanfiction.com doesn’t let you delete the works only orphan them. I have no idea how to find them at this point, but if someone else knows, you’re welcome to pull the stories from there. As for the blog you’ve already set up if you wanna leave it password protected that’s fine by me and if you wanna make it open to the public that’s also fine by me. The way I view it now, you guys as a community own my stories. They belong to you now.Â
I think I covered the big stuff. I’ve sent this through a temporary account that I’ll delete in a day or two. Bottom line, I’m sorry to have left with no warning and I’m sorry to have taken my stories with me. I wish all of you the best in finding the ones you want. There must be a way, after all as Sam Winchester would say nothing ever really gets deleted from the internet.Â
I hope this explanation helps more than it hurts. And for the people I talked to regularly, if any of you see this I want you to know that I loved talking to every single one of you. You all made my time here very happy, happier than I ever could’ve imagined when I got sucked into this big blue site. I’m really sorry to leave like this. But I just know that talking to you guys, I’d be so, so tempted to pretend I was okay. I’m sorry that my capacity for vulnerability is being maxed out elsewhere at the moment. But I really hope you see this letter, because I don’t want my leaving so suddenly to taint all the good talks we had. I care about you guys a lot, and I wanna thank you for being such good friends to me.Â
I think I’ve said everything I wanted to say, so that’s it for me. Send some good vibes my way if you believe that sort of thing. And if any of you are going through the same stuff I am at this moment, maybe this letter will make you feel not quite so alone. And remember to Always Keep Fighting. I know I will be.
Lots and lots of love and apologies all wrapped up together,
(To the person running this blog, this last little part’s just for you. I can’t tell you how touching I find the site you set up. I mean, really I planned on coming back to this url and just putting this note up and hoping whoever needed to see it saw it. To make sure that if I came back I saw people missing me was an incredibly kind gift for you to give me. It made me cry in the good way. So thank you, whoever you are. I’d really appreciate it if you published the above letter. I’m a bit more together now, and I just want you all to know that I care about you. And I want everyone to know that you can come back from the bad nights. You can trash everything and survive. I know it’s important to me to see other people surviving, so I thought the proper way to pay that forward would be to open up and let people see me surviving. Anyway, thank you again for this site, it really is very kind of you.)
Sam, if you’re reading – thank you so, so much for taking the time to write this, especially when you truly don’t owe any of us any kind of explanation. As you’ve seen from this blog (and about 20 other kind messages I couldn’t post because they were asking for the URL and password for the private blog so I had to respond privately) there have been many people missing your presence here and desperately wondering what happened, so thank you for letting us know. You were and still are deeply loved and admired for your kindness and empathy and humour and the way you took the time to help people who came to you wondering if something about them was “wrong”, as well as of course your remarkable talent for writing. Â
Anyway, I’m sure I speak on behalf of us all when I say that I’m so glad to hear that you are doing better and staying strong. You know this is not forever and you are more than capable of coming out of this - the fact you’ve done it before only serves to prove this further. I firmly believe that if anyone can overcome depression, it’s you, and you should do whatever will help you regardless of anyone else.Â
You’re an important soul who I’ve admired since August 2014 when I first discovered your work on dirtysupernaturalimagines. I almost wish I was joking when I say I used to check your blog multiple times a day in case you’d posted a new 100 kinks fic. You’ve never failed to astound and excite me with every post, and you’re listed on my fic rec page as my all-time favourite author (and I read a lot of fanfic). It’s highly likely you always will be. Your creative abilities are out of this world.Â
We’re not going anywhere, and when and if you feel ready to come back to tumblr, rest assured you will always be welcome. I personally would jump around and squeal.
(As for the fics, I’ve tried to recover some using Google cache and Google advanced search, but unfortunately ao3’s mature content warning gets in the way. If anyone knows how to find them please let me know.)
