captainbluebeard51

Caleb (he/him)

[baatjr-deactivated20150830]

yes teenage girls can be dramatic and wild but honestly have u ever even seen what happens when u tell a grown man ‘no’

[narcissistcookbook]

these hips don't lie, and those hips don't tell the truth. how do you navigate out of this labyrinth

[cottoncandylesbo]

motherfuckers arent ready for my famous "quadruple-edged sword". second it comes out the holster, blender maneuver. red paste. spin cycle. myself included. nonnegotiable. the SECOND i am frightened WE. ALL. DIE.

[opera-ghost]

[queer-as-city-folk]

[luckyladylily]

So the thing is boobs really do be jiggling. If having breasts has taught me anything it is that the ladies frolic. I don't even have that large of boobs but every time I go down some stairs all I can think about is that stupid quote about boobing breastily down the stairs or whatever it is because God Damn.

But anime and video game boob jiggling is like. The most uncanny valley shit I've ever seen nine times out of ten. You would think people this horny about tits would have actually looked at some but I guess not.

What we really need is some pervert to compile the ultimate visual guide to boob bouncing physics that's just like 500 hours of meticulously organized videos of breasts of different size and shape and under different fabrics bouncing around from a wide variety of physical movements so horny game devs can finally get it right and I don't have to be creeped out by women who appear to have surgically implanted softballs in their chest under skin made of rubber bands.

[cyanocittae]

my friend keeps sending the groupchat voice notes of her eating bussy and calling it "asmr"..... bro go study for your physics exam 😭

[cyanocittae]

hi sorry uh. incredible miscommunication on my part lmfao.

my bad yall

[danielkanhai]

it would suck being a new immortal. like it’d be 2109 and people would go, “what was it like seeing ancient civilizations rise and fall like that? seeing the pyramids being built? watching the expansion and growth of the new world?” and i’d just be like, “no…no i was born in 1991. so like, wow i’m gonna see some cool stuff, but, i mean i’m not that much older than just a really, really old person, you know? phones were big back then. so big. but only for like ten years, then they got like, as good as they are now. uh. rhinos existed. don’t think i ever saw one in person. cool, good talk.”

[ayellowbirds]

even worse, imagine being an immortal who keeps missing stuff. “What was it like seeing the pyramids being built?” “Fuck if I know, I was in Madagascar.” “Oh, okay. Well, how was the Renaissance?” “I fell down a hole in Scotland and people thought I was an enchanted well for four hundred years, it was over by the time I convinced someone to get me out.”

[erkhyan]

And now, a lesson in biases:

We barely know anything about Madagascar pre-500CE. We don’t even know whether the island had a permanent population before then, despite finding a bunch of much older signs of temporary human presence.

Malagasy mythology makes mention of the vazimba, a “precursor” ethnic group that might or might not be distinct from Madagascar’s current population.

The point is, we do not know.

So you were in Madagascar when the pyramids were being built in Egypt, i.e. during one of the most obscure, most undocumented parts of Madagascar’s human history?

Oh, buddy, you better go and make a bunch of anthropologists and archeologists really happy RIGHT NOW instead of feeling bad about missing everyone else’s pet Major Event.

[awawawawa-type-girl]

Sorry. Fell down a hole there too.

[leejayanimation]

a little peek into my TWISTED mind. my FRICKED UP brain

[tomb-mold]

you literally have shitty hide armor and a dull ass shortsword. let me guess. your loot is 6 gold coins too? 🙄

[no-sharks-on-the-sun]

[sanacibo]

oxidized copper is such a beautiful color palette. The rich reds with the cool teals. Such a vibrant combo. No one is doing it like her.

[sanacibo]

[ID: Photos of an oxidized copper plate, an oxidized copper pipe, and oxidized pennies. End ID]

hello gorgeous do you come here often

[rottingfacade]

i love those blinking red lights they put on top of radio towers and windmills and skyscrapers etc, theyre like electronic flowers or something to me

[rottingfacade]

[uwillneverknowwho]

Literally always take headphones with you. If you decide that you probably won't need them today, that's the devil talking. You will. You will

[the-sleepy-eel]

the pain stays hard but i stay harder #boner

[filmnoirsbian]

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

[filmnoirsbian]

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

[filmnoirsbian]

I'm literally a flight attendant, offering snacks and drinks is my job

[this-is-a-name-dont-worry]

gshsjb

[universeleads]

"wow I really love driving for DoorDash™" Jax said as he put his foot down hard on his gas pedal and took a sip of his baja blast mixed with rum, gin, vodka, and cinnamon fireball (all at the same time). "These customers love living on dark twisty roads but it's fine because I have the DoorDash™ thermal heat bags and I can drive fast enough that the food won't get cold" he said not looking at the road-ly as he fumbled with the radio that didn't work. "Say, what's that in the road? OH GOD OH FUCK IS THAT A CHILD THAT LOOKS LIKE A 26 YEAR OLD COMMUNITY COLLEGE GRAPHIC DESIGN STUDENT??"

Moral of the story: the child was Gangle 💔

[universeleads]

I don't remember writing this post but for some reason I saved it in my drafts instead of posting it on May 13th and I just found it again and I am in genuine actual tears. What's wrong with me like actually