Just a bit of a rant. You can skip past if you want or read. I don't really care and haven't really cared for a long while. That fuse is done and gone. I promise this isn't some kind of suicide or jump off the ledge talk. I promise that I am not suicidal and never have been because I don't like the thought of any life being taken, let alone my own. Can't really talk to the usual suspects because some have moved, some have moved on, lots have their own shit they're dealing with that my own mind conflicts on feeling like a burden adding my shit and one well, that one just decides to ignore. I have tried talking to them before and they do act like they have heard me out but then it's right back to square one that I was better off not saying anything at all. Now part i get is that there is work, I have my own job too. But it's when it's not work, family, normal everyday routine and there is that time where it use to just be shared and that's where it come in. Again I've talked, I've basically let my presence known. But crickets or I get it flipped that I'm a bitch or wrong to feel the way I feel when I get ignored. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to do the things I've had bring me joy for the amount of years that I've been doing, but basically on a communication aspect anymore because I've already gone on my warning about lack of Co-op.
One thing about me is I give out warnings. I never give an ultimatum because if it's my feelings hurt, you don't get some grand "deal or no deal" about if you get to keep doing it or leave. I'll just do what's best for my mind because I've already been burned too much by blood. And I have the receipts when it comes to how long in between the time I would say anything and get a response in return that doesn't in any way acknowledge what I say, either after work or even days that are no work.
In a way this is my -gets imaginary glasses and squints- Reevaluation of shit. I'm tired of it. No ultimatums. just pure fact But if it's spun that I'm the bitch in it that has given ultimatums and needs to revaluate how I feel then I guess it's not me that needs to reevaluate. I thought part of living was to make someone happy. Someone you care or I guess cared for. If I got the wrong definition of what part of the meaning of life was, I guess I'll go back to the second hand store that I saw the book for the "Meaning of Life", grab it and apologize because I was the one that thought that was what gave life meaning. Obviously I was wrong for that one if making someone we care for happy wasn't what we live for.
I guess I should have known when I wasn't the immediate one you thought of for things like a bird dancing next to it's partner. Cause there are things I see and my first thought was always "that's us". But again if it's a chore to make the person you care for happy, then the next time I sign off any messaging platform will be the last time and I'll just do what I've been good at for years and that's just lurk. But it's not a ultimatum, but a warning and maybe even a guarantee. Because again, I don't make those because they're ugly and cruel and if I did it would be the ultimate ultimatum which would be the biggest, ugliest and cruelest of every ultimatum that some people have made. But I'm too nice, people pleasing, caring and big hearted a person to use ultimatums. I feel the only time you should have a "this or that" thrown at you is if it's based on food, clothes, or entertainment. My head is already too screwed up that even typing this, I feel like I'm burdening random people on the internet where half can give fuck all.
If anyone made it to this in the post, thanks I guess. You didn't have to read or listen but it's nice to know that at least someone did, making my feelings feel validated rather then a chore or something needing to be reevaluated because I'm a simple creature and sometimes I just want to do the thing that made us happy and technically brought us together.
and for your consideration the book I had saw at glance:
If it's still there the next time I go, I might just grab it. Maybe for myself or for someone who might want to know.
titsay
andulkaphoto
annaxmalina
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
izzy806
