Septimus? @captainxanitos - Tumblr Blog

Hide the Object

Humans are very sneaky when it comes to hiding objects, even using their own body to do so. Can you imagine how horrified aliens would be if humans hid objects inside their bodies?

. . .

The leader of the archaeological team looked around at his team. They were hiding from the pirates, but they would soon be discovered. “If the pirates find these stones a vital piece of this planet’s history will be lost.”

“Back up is coming, right?” The lone human asked.

The leader nodded. “Yes, but they will not arrive in time.”

“Don’t worry, I got this!” The human said. He grabbed the small pebble like things and put them in his mouth.

The crew did not have long to freak out as the pirates arrived and there was a fight.

After the rescue team arrived and the pirates were dealt with the human spat the stones into his hand. Everyone recoiled in disgust.

“How!” the leader demanded.

“I just kept them in my cheeks,” the human replied.

“How! You spoke normally and even fought!”

“Dude, I have kids. I have to be good at hiding things in my cheeks if I want to snack in piece.”

. . .

Specialty Retrieval was interesting with a human. They seemed to have no appreciation for danger. And they were crazy.

The pair had successfully found the chip they were assigned to retrieve and taken it without being located. However, they had a problem. It would soon be discovered that the chip was missing.

“They will do a strip search,” the alien partner said. “We will need to hide the chip and come back for it later.”

“I have a better idea,” the human said. She pulled out a little rubber baggie, put the chip in it and sealed it closed. She took a big drink of water, put the baggie in her mouth, and swallowed it.

“What have you done!” the partner demanded. Had the human lost her mind!

“Relax,” the human said. “The rubber will protect the chip from my stomach acid-”

The alien paled at those words.

“-and the chip is like the size of my thumb nail, so it’ll pass through my digestive track just fine. We’ll get it back by tomorrow.” She smiled brightly.

The alien wanted to bag his head on the wall.

(They survived the strip search, made it off the planet, and did get the chip back the next day)

. . .

The five teammates stared at the little statue. It was small, fitting in a human’s palm, but it was big enough that it wouldn’t be easy to hide. How were they going to get it out? They would surely be searched when it was discovered missing, and they wouldn’t be able to leave the planet for another planetary cycle and a half!

The two humans looked at each other. Both seemed apprehensive, which put the rest of the team on edge. If something scared a human, it had to be bad.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Human Steve asked Human James.

Human James nodded grimly. “Rock, Paper, Scissors?”

The aliens stared at the humans has they held out their fists, counted to three, and then made shapes. Human Steve looked at his hand and then swore.

“Sorry bud,” Human James said.

“Give me the statue, and then everyone turned around,” Human Steve said, looking very unhappy.

Confused, but trusting their teammate the three aliens did to. Human James also turned around. They waited in tense silence.

“Okay, we’re good,” Human Steve said.

The four turned around. The statue was gone.

“Where… is the statue?” the team leader asked.

Human Steve grimaced. “You don’t want to know.”

(After they were back at base Human Steve insisted on washing the statue very well and many times before he gave it back)

garcavisconde

Humans are incredibly caring. Gestures that other species would do only in certain ocasions are commonplace for many of the earthlings: Hugging, kissing, making food, gifting. Even the most shy or antisocial of humans is considered loving by certain species.

That said, please stop thinking that human on your ship is courting you. Unless they are giving you flowers and saying things like "I want to kiss you", they are NOT into you. You are reading too much human romance books. Please stop.

spacealienstuff

'Nuff said...

quantumfeat72

ok i just had a humans-are-space-orcs thought

i grew up in bear country. like, the “you can’t leave food in your car because the bears will break your car and eat it” kind of bear country. so up there people make sure to teach their kids how to avoid getting eaten by bears. and you know the number one thing you do to avoid encountering a bear in the first place?

you make sure it hears you coming

if you’re hiking with a friend, you talk loudly the whole time. if you don’t want to do that, or you’re alone, you wear bells or something else that makes noise. because bears aren’t stupid, they know humans are trouble, and they don’t wanna fuck with you any more than you wanna fuck with them

like. think about that. bears are walking tanks. they can cave in the door to a house or move around a 500 pound dumpster like its nothing. you can shoot a bear with a gun and not do much more than piss it off. a bear could absolutely pick off one lone human on a hike for a free meal. but bears never hunt humans, and they rarely attack humans

like imagine an alien visiting earth and their human friend hands them a bell and says “when we go through here we gotta make sure the local apex predators know exactly where we are at all times”

and they’re like “…oh, yes, of course. the other predators on earth must have learned that they can’t kill a human, and it’s better to avoid a fight if you can”

and the human says “no, if a bear attacked us we’d die”

and they’re like, wait, what?? you want to give our exact location to something that could easily kill us? do you have a death wish??? and their friend is like, no, look, bears don’t fuck with humans if they can help it

not because they can’t, but because they know better

nerdybluephoenix

"This should do it." It looked down at itself, pleased.

The two - rather long - legs jut out under it's torso. It used it's new - ew - five fingers to feel along it's skin, feeling the bumps of a ribcage underneath. A heartbeat too.

In front of it was a mirror, and staring back at itself was a human. Well, an illusion of one.

Time and time again, the newly star bound aliens, humans, had infiltrated it's species ranks through elaborate disguises. They got better at it every time.

Not only were humans great with what they call "make up" but they had a way of mimicking their behaviors. It's species tried to replicate this. Failed to. In the end, they had something better.

A team of highly immoral scientists who were given boundless permission to try whatever the hell they wanted. And they went with genetic mutation.

It was a painful change, and slow. Agonizingly slow. But now, it was a super solider with one superpower. A shape-shifter.

And it was time to test it out.

It strolled out of the bathroom and into the eating area where various alien species were seated. Only one human - the unwitting test subject - was present.

If this could pass for normal conversation, this could pass for war.

It strolled right up to the other creature - a man who had not yet seen him - and sat down.

"I'm glad to see one other human on this station," it said.

The human non-committedly looked up. Only to jump with a start after taking it in.

"What are you?" he said.

"A human?" it said. If it's species could sweat, it would do so by now.

The man stared at it a moment. He turned to the alien on his right and pointed to his left.

"Forgive me if this question is batshit insane, but what do you see?"

"Two humans?" The alien had three eyes.

Her species' third eye was famous for detecting the most miniscule details and then committing it to subconscious memory. The rise and fall of a chest. The careful rythem of a human heart. How often - or little - a human blinks. Even human's make-up tricks couldn't bypass her species' extra form of security.

"So it is," said the man. She turned away and it found itself blinking quickly in relief. It cut that out when the human turned to it. "Sorry, I guess you're just real ugly."

"Ugh, rude." All humans are ugly.

He scooted in closer on the bench and leaned in towards it. It found itself leaning away, but couldn't help but notice the bead of sweat on the human's forehead and how the pupils were shrunken as far as they could.

"Wanna hear an old Earth tale?"

"I'm sure I know it." Was this a test?

"I doubt you know this one. My grandfather experienced it himself." He leaned away. It had stop itself from blinking too rapidly again. "This is about an Earth cryptid."

"Bigfoot?" it said, but nodded as if it already knew.

"Everyone knows Bigfoot," he laughed. "No, he was driving down a dark country road unlit by street lights. He didn't have his brights on - that's important to the story, you see - but heaven knows why."

Brights??? What are brights???

"Down the road an animal was crossing. A simple male deer with antlers. He couldn't see its body yet, but he was familiar with the eyes. They glowed as his car sped closer."

"He slowed as the deer became more apparent, and eventually came to a stop when the creature wouldn't move. By now, he could see the antlers, the four legs, the neck. Not in detail, mind you, but he could see it "

Other aliens in the room- not hearing this conversation - were trickling out of the room. There was no dramatic reason for this, they simply finished their lunch. The human, not paying any attention to his own lunch, continued the story.

"It's not uncommon for deer to freeze, especially when lights flood their eyes. So my grandfather gave it a moment to realize it should run. When seconds ticked by, he honked at it."

"There was something... off... about the deer. It looked every way like a deer, but the longer he stared, the longer that just didn't seem right."

"Was it a deer?" it said.

"It was not."

"What was it?"

"Not a deer."

The alien found itself frown at this in a perfectly human way.

"Time went on, and my grandfather decided to turn on the brights to try and see the creature better. And it was still... a deer... but not..."

It found its frown deepening.

"What's worse was it began to move. Similar to a deer, but all wrong. Like maybe its legs bent the wrong way. Or perhaps the legs were too long. It was every way like a deer, but it just was not."

"He drove home as soon as that not deer was out of his path. And yes, he found himself alive the next morning. But that encounter disturbed him, so he recounted it to everyone. And many people - especially in that town - could tell him their own stories."

"...okay?"

"Well, that story is funny. Probably a figment of his imagination, but it does reflect a very real human instinct."

This was another test. "Would this be something I know of?"

"It's called uncanny valley. It occurs to us when something looks human... but is not."

"Why?"

"Well, rumor has it that it was a instinct formed from a predator. Something that looked human but was not. A not human."

"A not human? Is this true?"

"No," he said. He laughed. "No, we most likely developed it for something a lot more practical. Corpses, you see. They carry a lot of bacteria, so we have a fear of them."

"...interesting."

"I have that very same feeling of you," he said. The room was empty besides the two. He reached for his bottle above his lunch tray.

"But I'm not a corpse?"

"You're about to be."

The human tossed down the bottle, effectively cracking off the bottom half and forming his weapon.

It shape-shifted as it scurried away to retreat from the very much human.

tcfstuff

Chapter 423.

toskarin

what zero stam cost does to an mfer

jellisdraws

@headspace-hotel

headspace-hotel

BOB

xenosaurus

you know it’s time to go to bed when the existential crisis strolls in

xenosaurus

if it’s the middle of the night and you suddenly hate yourself because you don’t read enough or your job sucks or you’re single or gender continues to happen or you gained weight or whatever is knocking on your… brain door? at ass o'clock at night, that is your brain saying it’s time to go the fuck to sleep, the crisis can come back during business hours

anxietyproblem

ladyluck-less-deactivated202304

I feel that

pukicho

I duped them, I fooled them, I absolutely tricked them all, all of them, fooled

pukicho

STILL proud of this since I never go outside

toastbutteregg

memes-to-show-my-therapist

tiktoksthataregood-ish

breealtair

The drama. The injustice. Free him

arachnopus

Every time I see a video of a cat that's just meowing constantly, I think about how they developed meowing exclusively as a way to communicate with humans.

Past kittenhood, I mean. Kittens meow for the same reason human babies cry; to tell their mom "I have needs and wants and I'm so so small and I hardly even know it!" But adult cats have other ways to communicate with each other. They only continue to meow because they realize it's the only part of their language that gets have anything close to the correct response from humans.

Anyway. Whenever I see videos like this where a human and cat are doing that sort of call-and-response routine, like-

*human talks at the cat like its a person*

meow

*human talks at cat like its a person*

meow

-so on and so forth, like I dunno, it just hits different somehow. Like it's not the same as dogs barking at humans, dogs barking is a "natural" dog instinct (to my knowledge), but adult meowing is a specifically domestic behavior. They developed it for us. They know we can't really understand them, the same way the mom in this video knows the cat can't understand her, but they meow at us anyway. And this cat's plaintive meows are it begging to be set free of the grooming torture, obviously, but sometimes it seems like it's just a call and response.

Like you'll see a video of a human talking at a cat, and the cat meows back between sentences, and the cat is like lying with its eyes half closed or sitting with its back turned to the human and it's meowing back anyway and you stop and think about it and realize that they're doing the same thing.

The cat and the human talking at each other when they don't need anything from each other, that's- that's just conversation. It's literally cross-species small talk, because both the cat and the human are engaging in it just for the sake of hearing a response back.

They can't understand each other at all, but they continue to communicate purely for the sake of communication. For the pleasure of each other's company. For the sake of socializing with each other. We don't even understand each other, and it's still small talk.

And you think about that and you remember again that adult cats without humans don't meow and it's just their human company comfort language and you cry.