Good. Great. Better. Best.

Sophia. 26. London. (mostly) Keto. I’ve been living with PCOS for several years and in May 2015 finally made a decision to commit to changing my health for the better.I follow keto, but I also am a regular gym goer and believe that paleo has an important influence in my diet as what’s the point in eating low carb if the food is still artificial.Start Weight: 18st 13lbs (265lbs) Current Weight: 11st 8lbs (164lbs) 1st Goal Weight: 16st (224lbs) - passed on 14/11/15 2nd Goal Weight: 14st (196lbs) - passed on 27/06/16 3rd Goal Weight: 12st (168lbs) - passed on 19/04/17 Ultimate Goal Weight: 10st (140lbs)

[carveachangefromwithin]

Holiday prep is terrifying

I can’t move away from the mental perception I have of myself that I’m a size 22 twenty-something.  I’ve got to do shopping over this weekend to get the first beach clothes of my adult life. I haven’t bought myself any swimwear since I was a teenager, I haven’t had a holiday at a beach since I was 18, and this all absolutely terrifies me.

I’m finally getting into my head that a lot of the clothes I’m going to be buying are size 10-12, but I’ve still got so much of a problem of seeing myself at that size.  It’s absolutely not helped by the fact that I carry a significant amount of visceral fat which most clothes hide pretty well, but swimwear isn’t as forgiving.  It kinda feels like this might be my biggest challenge mentally since the weight has started coming off, but I’m gonna try damn hard to move on past it.  

[carveachangefromwithin]

Goal Changes

So I’ve had a bit of a ponder over a few recent posts around my goal weight and also working in bf% and I think I’m going to make my Ultimate Goal Weight actually an Ultimate Body Fat %

I’m gaining muscle weight as I lose my body fat, I may never reach that 132lb goal weight because I’m working so hard on my lifting now.  I may absolutely reach it, I just don’t know.  But what I do know is that I want to be more athletic in my life and I think that I’m gonna do my planned treat for when I hit 18% body fat or the 132lb if I manage to hit that first.  Basically I really want to do my treat and I’ll do it with whatever comes fastest.

This isn’t really a significant update, more an accountability FYI.  Also bad self-esteem days are the worst but they always make me re-examine my goals and I guess that’s a good thing to keep me on track.

[carveachangefromwithin]

I always keep my posts on here looking at the positives of my weight loss journey because that’s what I like to focus on in my life is the positives.  It’s difficult being a positive person a lot of the time, but I did kind of touch in one of my other recent posts about some of my mental health things, and as we’re in Mental Health Awareness Week I just wanted to say a little on why I come across as positive as I do in these posts.

It’s because I still don’t believe it.  There is proof: hard numbers have changed dramatically, I’m buying smaller clothes, I don’t get exhausted from a 5 minute walk, life in general is easier.  But there’s a large part of me that can’t see it.  I will talk to anyone who will listen until I’m blue in the face about my measurable achievements, but I still often feel like that 265lb girl trapped in an unhappy life, it’s why I post and log on here and put endless selfies on my Instagram, because showing the world means that someone else might believe even if I don’t.

Working out is helping a lot, I would assume it’s all of those lovely endorphins, but decades of self worth/self esteem don’t disappear overnight unfortunately. I’m lucky enough to have a few incredible people in my life who I can talk to about these things, and I will always continue to shine a light on the good thinks that I am aware that I’m doing to help myself to believe in the changes I’ve been making, and try to let what is laying in the shadows go to sleep. 

I am aware that what I deal with is nothing in comparison to so many people, including a number who I am close to. But no matter the size of your battle with mental health it is important.  Everyone needs to take care of themselves, and remember that there are people around them who are there to support them.

Weight loss may help you with your journey, it may make no difference to how you feel, but for me, I will always keep trying.

I also want to clarify that talking to the world about your mental health isn’t going to help everyone. I mostly keep mine private, however as my specific problem is about self esteem, talking about it helps me to come to terms and push on through. Never feel pressured to talk about something just because someone else has, this is something you have to do in your own way for whatever your battle is.  Whether it’s talking to the world, talking to close friends or family, or something which is kept private between yourself and your doctors.  As long as you’re doing what is right for yourself and not hiding yourself or denying that you might need help, that is the important part.

[carveachangefromwithin]

My boyfriend did one of these yesterday after his workout so I took a leaf out of his book and did one for the first time ever myself. I discovered a couple of things

1.    I’m an inch shorter than I thought I was

2.    I have BF below 30%!

Thankfully the weigh in matched my own so I didn’t have to stress about that.  The inch shorter thing was the biggest thing because it means that I’ve probably been eating slightly more than I should’ve on maintenance days (my deficit is pretty strict and I’ve had no loss problems when I’ve stuck to it, so that’s not an issue), but the biggie is that my goal weight is too high.  Losing that inch is very frustrating as it means I should be aiming to below the 140lbs I previously had as my target.  I’m not going to take off another stone or something, but I think going for around 132lbs is a reasonable place to reduce it to, and there’s a strong chance that I could naturally end up lower than that anyway depending on how my body changes with workouts and the like.

So going forward I’m gonna just keep on looking forward and not worrying.  So what my path is a little bit longer than I had anticipated? I’ve got this far, it’s hardly going to stop me from working towards reaching it.  Plan continues the same: weigh myself every day (that I have access to a scale), take my measurements once a week, every week, continue going to the gym, carry on keto-ing.  I’m going to also do one of these scale print out each month to see how much my BF% changes. I’m gonna add in an extra goal for me on that too where I ideally want to be around 18% body fat.  I think that’s absolutely attainable and I’m gonna do what I’ve always done and carry on working hard.

[quotes-motivational]

[carveachangefromwithin]

Totally gonna have a minor brag (with no details) that sex is so much better and easier with weight loss. And all the gym and exercise I've been doing has meant that I get to do more stuff and it's just the best time.

[carveachangefromwithin]

I rarely do short term progress pics but I've kinda amazed myself with the difference just this year. The picture on the left was 21st Jan when I bought this cardigan & I weighed roughly 179lbs. And the one on the right is me yesterday, clocking in at 164lbs. Some days I don't feel my body has changed much this year but then I see a picture like this and I am still surprised at the difference that has been made. Here's to the last 25lbs I have to lose and the constant fitness progress I'm working towards.

[carveachangefromwithin]

Measurements Update & a self care bit

Seeing the lbs come off is all well and good but the best part at the moment is clothes fitting me better and my body composition.  I’ve been recording a bit more regularly (not posting it here) but it has been so nice for the little changes to be recorded and seeing them in lovely graph forms.

Can you believe that since I started recording I’ve lost almost 25% of my body circumference?!  The fact that I’ve had an inch off my waist and almost an inch and a half off my stomach in the last month alone is just a bit insane but it’s so so worth it.

These changes are coming from me being way way stricter with keto as of late, but the size is coming from me working significantly harder in the gym.  My cardio is improving week to week and I’m getting stronger.  My personal trainer is fantastic at making sure my posture and form are on point which is so damn helpful.  I’ve had such poor everything prior to this, but I’m working hard to change that, to live a better quality of life in general.  I’m even going to start a self defence class next week so that I can improve my movement and feel more in control of my body and life.  The plan is to only do it until I feel ready to start a different type of physical training.  If you know me IRL then you already know what this is, however I’m going to hold tight to that knowledge on here until I’m able to actually start (my fitness level needs to be way more consistent than it is now, but I don’t think I’m all that far off).

All of the physical changes are amazing, going from someone who couldn’t walk for more than 5 minutes without having to stop because my legs were hurting too much to being able to run (well, fastish jog) for 17 minutes without a break is mindblowing to me.  But honestly the most important one for me has been the mental improvements.  I’ve always had issues with mood, self esteem and general overthinking of tiny things which are total non issues.  Because I’d been going to the gym so regularly I had barely noticed these becoming less prominent for me they just kinda had.  Up until a couple of weeks ago that is, I had a debilitating sunburn that meant that just wearing clothes and moving my arms was painful, let alone things like a sports bra and then lifting weights.  All of these problems came crashing back, it was gradual and I barely noticed it, it just felt like a weight was gradually falling over me, but eventually the pain lifted and I was able to go back.  It took all of 5 minutes on the treadmill for that weight to be lifted from me.

The perspective and general feelings of calm that exercise has brought me is invaluable.  The combination of mental wellbeing and general physical improvements has made me feel almost like a totally new person and I’m not going to let this fall away from me ever again.

[carveachangefromwithin]

Another unexpected milestone

I never normally write posts from mobile so this one is gonna be all kinds of a mess, but I know I won't get a chance to write this up later properly. Weight loss has given me a whole bunch of expected goals and milestones and achievements. Most of them are hard facts, actual measurable things, the tangibles. But it's also given me a whole lot more of unexpected ones. The vast majority of these are more based in my self esteem and confidence. They're harder to measure but most absolutely still count. My most recent one came this morning when I was trying to decide what to wear. I've had a bit of a bad habit of just buying clothes recently. So I've got a vast number of clothes which I can just about fit into as a part of me trying to forward plan for summer, but there's also stuff which I've got which I know I still need to be more comfortable in my body to wear. One of these is a thin white tank top covered in brightly coloured birds. I've always hidden away from white clothes while being large. They're the least forgiving of rolls and being larger but also they're always just a tiny bit see through. And that was very much the case with this top. Because it was slightly transparent you could see (or at least I could because I was looking for it) where my jeans ended and I felt like I was squeezed like a sausage into them. But today I've shrunk a little bit more, my jeans fit more comfortably so my stomach isn't trying to escape and the top fell away from my skin. So I put on a white bra for the first time in a long time (normally exclusively black or fun colours, iywtk) and put the top on. There was a tiny bit of worry where the jeans keep falling ever so slightly but I felt good. I was happy to put the top on and head out to work because anything I could see was minimal, and if there's one thing I've become acutely aware of, it's that people give significantly less of a shit about how you look in your clothes than you think.

[carveachangefromwithin]

And there goes the next milestone

Today is a big day.  I’ve passed my next goal weight of 168lbs (12 stone).  This is possibly one of my favourite milestones to have passed for a combination of reasons. First of all, it has taken me a long time to get to this one from my last after a few stalls along the way.  But the biggest reason for this for me is that this was my original goal weight.  

Back when I was almost 100lbs heavier, 12 stone was a distant dream.  It was a near impossibility that I never thought I would get close to, but after my weight started moving I moved my goals lower and to a healthier level rather than just something I perceived as unattainable.

It feels crazy to me now that I would’ve stopped at this weight.  I’m in a ridiculously better place healthwise, but I know that I can push my body further, I know that I can be leaner and healthier than I am at this size, and that it is a realistic place for me to want to be.

This goal marks me at over 75% of the way through my weight loss.  I have 28lbs to go until my arbitrary Ultimate Goal Weight, and while I’m still going to push toward this, it is more of a secondary goal to my body being overall in a leaner and better place.  Getting a personal trainer and working out more has made me realise that the way my body feels in general has to be my focus, and if I get my body to a place that I’m happy with and it’s a few lbs higher or lower than my goal weight then that’s amazing.  

[carveachangefromwithin]

Something I never thought would happen

My entire adult life I’ve had giant shins.  Not even exaggerating, even when I was smaller my shins were just massive and jeans were awkward as all hell to fit properly.

So this obviously includes knee high boots.  The last time I was able to get knee high boots to zip up over my shins was when I was 14, since then anything I tried would always get stuck.

But today that all changed!

Went into H&M and went “eh, why not” when I saw these boots as I’d had so many other little weight loss surprises, and they fit.  It was still a tiny bit snug around the widest part of my shin, but it actually happened!

They looked fugly as all hell on me, but the achievement to be able to do them up I’m just ridiculously happy!

[carveachangefromwithin]

Clothes, personal style, happiness, frustration and a bit more happiness

I’ve very recently got to a point in my weight loss where buying clothes is significantly easier.  I’m down to a size 12 for most clothes (moving between 10 and 14 for others) and it’s incredible.  My personal style is beginning to assert itself and I can wear actual fashionable clothing which I’ve never done before in my adult life.  I had basically convinced myself I liked a whole bunch of these different styles of clothing which were more flattering to my size but ultimately were fairly boring or all I could wear.  I never wore it but always told myself that I loved the 50’s pin-up style and while I appreciate it and do kinda like it, it was just that I knew these were styles that would look on anything larger.

Then earlier this year I starting being able to wear more than just basics.  I could wear more than just plaid (although I still do love plaid) or shapeless t-shirts or generic a-line dresses, and everything has started to click into place in my personal style.

These are pics of things that I have bought on or since Saturday.  It’s simple stuff, but I finally feel like I’m myself in clothes, I’m allowing myself to dress how I want to and not how I feel forced to and it’s such an empowering feeling.  These are the sorts of things I envisioned myself wearing when I was in my teens and I finally get to show this to the rest of the world.

There is a downside though, I’m still shrinking.  It feels weird to mention this as a downside but in terms of clothes it really feels like it.  I can’t invest in anything.  Almost everything I buy is Primark special, it’s not long lasting, or if I buy something I know I either have to get it a size smaller and maybe never quite fit into it, or get it for my current size and it probably won’t fit within a couple of months.  It feels like I’m throwing money away and that I still can’t fully embrace my style and buy clothes from places more expensive than Primark, H&M or New Look. I mean, they all have cute stuff, but just occasionally I’d like to invest in something that costs more than £30.

I know that this is not a forever problem, but right now my bank account is crying as I move through clothes.  And the massive massive plus is that I’m filled with confidence and feel like absolute fire when I’m walking down the street and it’s such an incredible feeling.

[carveachangefromwithin]

Following on from my post a couple of days ago I wanted to post this photo because I may have only lost 8lbs but this is one of my favourite kinda updates.

These jeans didn’t fit me two months ago.  I grabbed them from Primark in a rush thinking they were a pair of jeggings which in a size 14 I’d never had a problem with, so when I got home I was surprise that they were actual jeans, and skinny fit at that.  I tried getting them on but they stopped stubbornly at the base of my hips and refused to go up any further.  I contemplated taking them back to Primark, but they’d only cost around £6 so it felt like a waste of a trip, and I hate throwing out clothes I’ve only just spent money on, so instead I folded them up and put them in the bottom of a drawer.

I allowed myself to forget all about them, wanted it to be a case of finding them months later and being surprised that they were too big, y’know, one of those shocked weight loss story things, but I was tearing apart my jeans drawer a couple of weeks ago because everything was in the wash and found these again.  I pulled them on and they just got over my butt, but stopped short of me actually being able to do them up.  It looked like I was trying to explode out of them by how much my gut was overflowing.  So once again I discarded them to the pile, but this time I didn’t let myself forget about them.

Now I didn’t think I’d be able to wear them for a while yet being totally honest. But I bought a new pair of jeans from Next as my old ones were just becoming a little impossible to wear comfortably without them falling down, even with a belt they were looking ridiculous. So I got some slightly snug jeans from Next on Saturday after a bit of rushing around, but by yesterday they were no longer snug.  Not loose, but they had room after only wearing them on two occasions since buying them.

That leads me to this morning, with the thought that my other jeans were already not tight after just a few days, I pulled the skinny fit from my drawer and tried them on.  Et voila. They fit.  The tiniest bit snug around my stomach still, hence the loose shirt over the top today, but more than comfortable everywhere else.  Wardrobe shopping is just the best, isn’t it?

[carveachangefromwithin]

So just a little update that has given me a little self-esteem boost.

Picture below is of the same jeans I’m wearing in the reblogged photo that I could  barely squeeze into.  They’re getting baggy on the legs and it’s annoying me but it’s awesome that this is happening so fast.  So so so happy that I starting going to the gym regularly.  It’s making all of the difference to my body at the moment.

Annoyingly though, doesn’t matter how much I save and rotate the picture it only wants to upload on its side...

[carveachangefromwithin]

Shift in self image

Recently I've been seeing more pictures or videos of myself that have been taken without me knowing that they're happening. Even before my weight piled on I was uncomfortable with how I looked in photos not taken by myself. Not able to calculate every angle, I always felt I looked so large. I mean, that's because I was large but I hated seeing it acknowledged in a way that was irrefutable evidence. But I'm the smallest I've ever been in my adult life. I've still got a bit of a way to go, and now I see myself in these candid photos and I'm not seeing a body that I am anywhere near as uncomfortable with, I look normal. The thing that's triggered this post is this video I was recently from me at a Royal Rumble party. You should be able to figure out which ones me from me being the only girl visible at the front https://twitter.com/markingoutuk/status/825900868998397952

[carveachangefromwithin]

Found this on the r/loseit page. This is so important to remember.  When I exercised at my largest it was the biggest chore. I’d get a temporary high once I’d finished it but it was sheer pain and forcing myself to do something I really didn’t want to do.

Now I’m 90lbs lighter, well it’s still a pain.  But actually one I enjoy significantly more.  I feel changes from doing the exercise, I feel better in myself and I want to do it more and more. 

Not liking exercise isn’t a crime.

[carveachangefromwithin]

Measurements Update

Wooo! Not done one of these for months, so here’s an update of my numbers.

Now I’ve looked at both the usual from the highest here, but also compared to October when I last posted here.  You can see which areas are either at their smallest or just being a tad more stubborn at shrinking than others.  

Unsurprisingly I’m really happy about my stomach having shrunk by almost 2 inches, and actually over half of that has happened in just the last month (I did an update I hadn’t posted due to so little change).

So now, because I love a good visual, here are a couple of graphs to show how much everything has changed

It’s always nice to see those differences visually and I’ll keep on doing so until I get to my goals :D

[carveachangefromwithin]

FACE GAINS

I was flicking through my instagram earlier because reasons, and found the picture on the left from around August 2014, and I have this vivid memory that I felt like I looked so slim in that selfie.  I look at it in comparison to the one I took of myself last night and it’s a totally different person.  I still have 30lbs to go so I can’t help but wonder how my face will change further once I get there.