A Memoir..

I am going to use this blog to discuss my life up to this point. Not a blog for the judgemental :P

[casiasgut23]

Raw Emotion

I'm so fed up. Like seriously, I want so bad to quit. On everyone. On everything. Everytime I get on Facebook, it's the same thing over and over. Person A is getting drunk again tonight (for like, the third time this week). Person B just got their heart broken for like, the second time this month (how is that even possible?). Person C just got back together with their cheating spouse for the bazillionth time. I mean, really I have no place to talk. All my statuses usually revolve around my daughter, and usually I am not this much of a judgemental cunt, but it seems like my life and everyone else's has become an unstoppable pattern of the same fucking shit all the time. Would it be wrong of me to assume that Person A will eventually die of cirrhosis of the liver? Or Person B will do anything for attention from the opposite sex because they somehow can't figure out how to be alone? Or Person C will land up catching an incurable STD? I am sick of everything and so mad at nothing all at the same time, if that makes any sense? What gets me angry the most... Seeing everyone else's issues and being able to solve their problems, but not being able to solve my own. I am just so depressed. I mean, I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love our life.... I just can't shake this overwhelming sense of guilt and failure and resentment I have because of the way life panned out for everyone else that I love. I have one brother who's worked so hard for every little thing he has and survived some really harsh shit being accused of rape, or molestation (depending on what version of the story the "victim" tells you), another brother who was brought up by an alcoholic mother who turned to drugs and introduced him to heroin being falsely accused of child abuse (or "torture" according to the fucking newspaper that likes to juice everything up), and a mother who can't seem to pull her life together. I think of these things, and I try to remind myself that I am not responsible for everything that has gone wrong but I somehow feel as if I had control of all of these situations and I dropped the ball. After all, couldn't I have spotted the signs early on in the early stages of my mom's depression that she was going to become addicted to alcohol if she continued to drink everyday? But if she drank, I got to do whatever I wanted... A freedom I had never known before, so I selfishly let her drink herself into alcoholism. If I hadn't have moved from my (now alcohol and drug addicted) mother's house, couldn't I have been there to protect my little brother? I can't feel responsible for what my older brother is going through, because there is no way I could prevent what's happening to him, but it's hard when his accuser is ( or should I say, was) a very close friend for many, many years. I hate that this is all happening around me. And now that everyone is at their lowest I can't face them. I can't see them suffering. I can't. All this guilt that weighs on me so heavily is consuming me. It's devouring my life. It's drawing out the worst in me. Compile that with my weight complex, and my workless/schooless life, and you've got yourself the perfect storm. There's days where all I can do is pray to God over and over again, thanking him for my daughter because with out her, I think I would have already lost my mind. It's safe to say I would not be half as functionable as I am now. She is what keeps me grounded. Without her, I have nothing to Iive for. Only my best friend and my old councillor know this, but after all of the childhood trauma that I've received, I'm very highly prone to depression which makes me highly suicidal. I've only ever come really close to killing myself once and I landed up having to see a shrink three times a week. I fell behind in school, and I lost my half-day senior status and almost didn't even graduate. I feel if I didn't have my daughter to keep me grounded, maybe I could find myself in that very dark place again soon. That's why, as of Monday, I am going to find myself a councilor up here. I don't want to have my poor mental health consuming my life. And oh, how it will. Sorry if this post is all over the place and disorganized. I had a lot of anxiety and anger pent up when I started and no clear channel for it, and this mess of a post materialized into what it is now. Let's call it raw emotion.

[casiasgut23]

Catching Up

So, it's been quite sometime since I've been around here. I have been super busy. Motherhood is no joke. That's right. I had my baby girl! Nothing in the world can prepare someone for the immense love that you feel when you become a parent. It is exactly like the kind of cheap, overly emphasized feeling that they explain in movies, which makes it that much more surprising for me. I'm different now. And that's what makes it surprising for the rest of the world (or at least anybody who knows me well). Of course anytime a person changes, whether it be subtle change or dramatic, there will always be someone there to treat you differently, and I've seen the difference with everyone I know. Majority of my friends don't talk to me anymore. I can only guess that they think I forgot what having a good time means now that I'm a mom. Maybe they just don't wanna feel held back from enjoying life, as if somehow I would convert them all from the party life into being mature adults who want to settle down and have eight kids. I don't fucking know and personally, I don't fucking care, but it is humorous to me in a sense so it is somewhat worth mentioning (Obviously I am still a bit explicit, so I guess I can't say I'm completely different). But, truth be told, not all the change is terrible. My husband respects me more than he ever has and is definitely more protective. My older brother went from pointing out all my failures in life to complimenting me on how well of a mother I am, and telling me he is impressed with who I am as a person these days (if you know Ben, you know that this is typical Twilight Zone behavior), and my sister and I have never been so understanding of each other. She was just always on one side of the playing field, I on mine. Where we were was just where we were and WHO we were was just who we were. And that was opposites. And there was a lot of clashing between the two of us, always. Now we are starting to see that maybe we aren't so different after all. I think all these changes happen once you become a responsible parent because it's like a switch flicks somewhere in your brain that tells you, "Hey. Life is not a game anymore. Not for you. No more playing it fast and loose. Being free spirited is not a luxury you can afford anymore." You mature. And seriously, you see things in a perspective you never thought possible. Ugh, I probably sound like that speech you've heard 1,000,001 times in sex ed class. Who wants to hear that shit? No one. Until it happens to you and you are singing the same tune. So yeah, yeah. You get it. I'm a mom. But that's not all that's changed. I'm starting school in the fall! I will be attending UNM, studying pre law. I'm excited! I don't wanna tell very many people because I feel like I've never really been taken seriously by anyone I know (which I can't say I'm surprised about), and because of this, I don't need peoples' doubts smothering my positive vibes. I also re-established my old hobby of tarot card reading, but I know more now than I ever have and my intuition is sky high because of the unwavering focus I have put into it. I have been studying divination in many forms actually, so I can now actually partially read auras. I'm still not great and can only really see most peoples' outter layer now, but it takes a lot of training and dedication to be able to develop the sight needed for it, and in those terms, I've done beastly. I have read cards for many people now and my readings are dead on. It's kinda crazy. I've read a few auras, and you wouldn't believe how accurate I've been. I don't tell other people about the aura thing either. Too many skeptics. But I read people I know well enough and it's amazing how much their energy reflects their personality and lifestyles. It's so crazy. Anyway, this has been my life up to this point. There's been many changes, but I am still mostly me through it all. Always, just doing the best I can.

[casiasgut23]

Fuck That Bitch

I am going to bed very bothered tonight. Two days ago I got into a fight with two friends from home. Since I have moved from my hometown a few months ago, I have made a few attempts to keep them involved in my life, and have gotten nothing in return. This bothers me because I have done nothing wrong to them. It is because I choose not to be like them that they alienate me. They critize me for not getting high, and treat me differently just because they do not like who I am married too. Most days, I can dry swallow this minor bullshit because I give my equal share of bullshit right back. But since I have been in a new city, I just really needed the comfort of my old friends to get me through some of the harder days, and I find myself asking who these "friends" really are. I had been having a reocurring feeling like they were talking shit about me. Let's be very clear about something. My intuition has not failed me yet. If I feel something is happening, it is usually happening. So I confronted them. And all I got back was a bunch of bullshit excuses about how they both "lost all their numbers" and how they have both been so busy with work. Funny, they weren't too busy to post pictures of themselves getting high with another friend. They weren't too busy to go to Santa Fe with my best friend last week. But suddenly they are too busy to text me? To call? I made a week long trip back to my hometown. They knew I was there because I told them, and yet no one came to see me. It wasn't until I called them fake that suddenly everything started coming up. And the funny part about it? One of them was so fucking poor at coming up with excuses for being a shitty friend and being fake that she started pulling up my past to use against me. (This is why you don't tell your "friends" who you really are, or what you have really been through). It pisses me off because where does this over-priveleged, mama's girl, who doesn't even wipe her own ass without it getting spot checked by her mother, get the nerve to bring up my issues? Worse, I trust her by telling her about all the times I found myself homeless, living from house to house, with family memeber to family member, and she has the odacity to tell me that it is I who was the problem. Not my heroin addicted mother, not my alcoholic aunt, not my perverted uncle, not my really sick grandfather. Me. Because she couldn't find anything else to defend herself, she started attacking me with my past. And then, she said something even worse "I feel so sorry for that baby when it comes." Line officially crossed. I am not a violent person but for a comment like that, I would punch somebody in the face. Seriously. I did what anybody would... I said something insulting back but it was nowhere near as bad as what she told me. I hate myself sometimes because my conscience gets in the way. Instead of me telling her awful shit about her dyslexia or calling her out about how she has a pathological need for attention so bad that she tells lies about herself being a coke head and a whore, I bit my tongue. I didn't want to attack her on her weaknesses. But tonight? I said fuck that. I couldn't just not say anything anymore. And as shitty as it was, I posted a status on Facebook saying, "You feel sorry for my kid? Huh. You can feel bad when it's reading books in second grade that you can't even understand as an adult..." and though I thought it would make me feel better, I am just pissed that it absolutely didn't. I have an uncontrollable rage because I don't understand how anybody can just cross the line of throwing an innocent life into the mix of an argument to use as leverage. God, I hope one day she realizes how much of a shitty person she has been when nobody fucking likes her anymore.

[casiasgut23]

Why now?

So, I am just lying here in bed… a million different thoughts on my mind. The most important is about my impending motherhood. Yes, I am going to be a mother. To many people this is not so surprising. I am 20 years old and I have been married for well over a year now. Motherhood was expected before I even tied the knot (funny how that goes). However for me it was a shock. A big shock. Such a shock in fact, I almost don’t want to love this life that I have created. This sounds harsh. These are things I can’t tell my husband, and most certainly not my friends. The truth is, I have always wanted children. I wanted them so bad I would cry for hours anytime I thought about them because I was told that because of the sexual abuse I had endured throughout my childhood, I was incapable of having any children at all. Of course the doctor used the words “may not” and of course she didn’t directly say “because of the sexual abuse”, but I knew by the look in her face that is what she meant. I couldn’t believe it. I tried not to. I had unprotected sex with my then current boyfriend. Not intentionally, but sometimes stuff happens. Only nothing did happen. A year later, months after we had broken up, I met someone new. We became friends with benefits. Risky, I know, but we also had unprotected sex a few times. Nada. My last boyfriend before I met my husband… nothing but unprotected sex. I never conceived. So why now? I try to count it as a blessing. I am really blessed as it is. Through all my carelessness I could have caught an STD. I didn’t. Instead of realizing this and being thankful for my good luck, I focused on my bad luck. I emotionally drained myself with images of a life I thought I would never have. Of macaroni necklaces and encased handprints. Of cute mother’s day cards made out of construction paper and dinosaur shaped mac and cheese. I guess I am just so damaged from all the let downs I can’t enjoy myself now that it is finally happening. I remember all the failed tests and the empty feeling I got every single time it came back negative. How I wouldn’t want to walk anywhere near the baby isle in Wal-Mart or how I couldn’t stand to listen to other people complain about their children. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I never got pregnant before because I don’t deserve to be a mother. I am two months into my pregnancy with my first child, and instead of being happy... I'm scared.

[casiasgut23]

Cadillac Problems

Today I decided to tag along with my uncle to feed the homeless. It was very humbling to be with people who are less fortunate than you. I met a few people there, and I got to have a conversation with a few others. It was very nice. On the way home, my uncle stopped us at AutoZone so that he cold buy some stuff to clean his car battery and then he treated me to Starbucks. While in line at the drive through, he turned to me and said, "We are selfish." I looked at him confused. He continued "I'm just thinking, 'here we are, in line for fancy, over-priced coffee', and after the morning we had, all I am thinking about is my car battery. You know what my good friend calls that? Cadillac problems." It is no surprise that I was still confused at this point. He goes on to explain, "Cadillac problems are what we call the problems we have in our lives. They are so small and if you had to rate your problems on a scale of cars, the smaller problems would be the fancier car. Like a Cadillac." He really got me thinking... I have always considered my life hectic. And though my teenage years were spent jumping from house to house, I was never "homeless" and while I never had a stable environment, I always had something to eat. I looked at my uncle and I almost asked, "What car would you use to describe the worst of problems?", instead I reached for my coffee and just humbled myself with the fact that I now have only Cadillac problems now too.

[casiasgut23]

ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

Dinosaurs of course ;)

[casiasgut23]

Stepping From Cynical to Compassionate

When I imagined myself writing this blog, I imagined myself starting at the beginning of when things started to get really hectic for me (which would be the beginning of high school). Then I thought, "Naw, that would be way too time consuming." Then, naturally, as my brain always seems to do, I started thinking backwards- what I mean by this is... instead of coming up with ideas that make my pointing start easier, I started thinking... "Well, what if I started when it ALL started?" (Well, I am guessing that even you can assume the implications of that statement). Then I remembered something that every alcoholic and drug user is taught in their meetings... and then I realized what I needed to do. I need to take this one day at a time (or one post at a time, rather). From there I will incorporate and correlate stuff as we go. By the way, sorry if the addict statement rubbed you wrong. I have a streak of maybe being a little offensive. And opinionated. But if you are willing to stick along through the whole ride, you will see a lot of it has to do with me not really trying to be offensive I may be just a little desensitized these days, and I really can't tell if what I am saying is going to offend someone else. I promise, I used to be really compassionate. I think in this crazy tangle I call my life, I have lost touch with that side of my nature. Hopefully, when I am done holding all this poison in, and I have finally shared  my secrets and misery with the world, I won't be so angry anymore. Or cynical. Maybe I can finally be compassionate once again. And on that note, I think I just found the answer on what I should title this bloody post. ;) Goodnight Tumblr. I think it is time for me to finish watching my episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... 

[casiasgut23]

First Post Ever :P

So, this is my first post ever here on Tumblr. I am not gonna lie... I am really excited, but also very nervous. See, a friend of mine on here actually has a blog that I started reading, and I was immediately impressed by the idea that he could be as carefree and open as he wanted and nobody really judged him for what he was opening up about. It actually really inspired me to do the same. See, as far as my real self, and my secrets go... I am not much of a speaker. I mean, who really is, after all? But I am learning that maybe hiding who I am and what I have really been through isn't necessary after all. Maybe I can be just as open as I have always wanted to be, and I may be able to find people I can relate to. These are all predetermined thoughts by the way. Because of this, I want to explain why I have decided to put a real photo up of myself. It's because I don't want to be afraid of being judged anymore. And if someone I went to school with or worked with ever comes across this blog, then they can think what they want. The truth is... this is MY story and I shouldn't have to feel like I need to hide my identity anymore. I already know how I feel about my past. The only thing that I need now that could possibly change my prospective will be comments of support. So I guess let's just count this post as the beginning. The prelude, if you will :P The only thing that can hold me back now is myself.