expanding on this because i wrote it at like 3am and i have more to say.
if you’ve heard of the idea that a story can be tragic because “it was always going to end this way” or because “it didn’t have to end this way,” you’ll know what i mean when i say that this story is so devastating because both are equally true.
with mordred the main issue when merlin first met him was that mordred was just a kid, combined with the fact that merlin’s friends (morgana especially but gwen and arthur too) cared about him (mordred). it’s also worth noting that merlin was still very young and had not yet witnessed quite how much danger arthur was really in. as such i’m not even convinced that he fully believed that this tiny, injured, innocent boy was going to harm arthur. if he believed that it was inevitable, i think he would have let him die when he was first presented the opportunity. as it was, he had no way of knowing for sure, and indirectly killing a child is not something you do if you’re not certain that you have to. what i wonder is if he was given the chance to do it again, having lived through the events of s5, would he then believe that it was inevitable? would he think that fate couldn’t be thwarted, that mordred was always destined to do what he did and there was never anything to be done about it beyond killing him first, or would he blame himself for what mordred became, thinking instead that if he had been kinder to him, if he had chosen to trust him, if he had rescued kara, if he hadn’t tripped him, if he had advised arthur to legalise magic to save him, then maybe everything would be different?
with morgana it’s more complicated because merlin’s reason for initially sparing her was more personal. merlin LOVED morgana. i genuinely believe that he did, all the way to the end. he knows what she’s becoming but he tries so hard to change it, partly because he loves her and he doesn’t want to lose her, and partly because of how much *arthur* loves her. he poisoned her because he had to, but he chose to tell morgause how to save her. he knocked her down the stairs because he had to, but he saved her. he threw her against a tree in the forest (and she had *fully* turned against arthur by that point) but even when she’s unconscious and apparently past saving, he doesn’t try to kill her. even when he finally does kill her, he lowers her to the ground so gently. he loved her no matter what she became, he just loved arthur and albion more.
when arthur says that he, arthur, “could have saved her,” merlin says that there were others better placed to help morgana, suggesting that he blames himself for *not* saving her. does that mean he wishes he’d told her the truth about his magic? about hers? does it mean that he believes he *could* have changed the outcome for her?
merlin is arthur’s. he loved morgana, gaius, gwen, gwaine, lancelot, etc., but he was always arthur’s. his devotion was such that i think he’d have burned the rest of the world to the ground to save him if he had to. there’s nothing and nobody he would not sacrifice for arthur. by the end of the series, merlin’s humanity is all but gone because *nothing* but arthur matters. he has the chance to free himself and everyone like him but he turns it down because saving arthur is more important. so if he could go back, even knowing exactly how he could have saved mordred and morgana, would he even bother to try, or would he, unwilling to risk a second failure, kill them on sight, even before they’d done anything wrong?
i don’t know the answer. i suspect there might not have been enough of merlin left by the end for him to be willing to try to save anyone but arthur. he might sacrifice morgana. mordred. might even sacrifice the unity of albion to protect arthur, especially after he’d already gone through the loss of him once.
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