I've received several asks over the last few months from people struggling with their faith, and seeking advice on how to keep it. "How do we know there is actually a God?" and "Somedays I doubt that this is the true religion". I've pondered for awhile on how to answer these asks in a meaningful way.
It's something I've struggled with a lot in my adult life. I'm fundamentally legalistic in my belief. I've never had an emotional connection to my faith, or felt the "personal love" of Christ in prayer, or had that beautiful childlike instinct to run to Him with my problems. Part of that is my nature: I'm pragmatic, prioritize efficiency, and have an intuition for logic over emotional responses. My practice is from disciplined habit rather than any personal joy or takeaway. I don't feel my faith, I think my faith.
There are times, however, when I'm in Mass reading the dreary Gospel, or saying the cryptic Vesper Psalm of the day with my husband, and that doubt creeps into my mind: I'm not sure I believe any of this.
What does one do with such thoughts? We can't quash them, because they'll surely grow more confident with a lack of substantial resistance. But giving in helplessly to doubt is intellectually unjust.
For those who think their faith (such as me), understanding a theologically-interwoven philosophy is not just a good: it's absolutely essential. We don't keep to what we cannot parse or analyze. I'm envious of those who successfully believe in Christianity with the blind faith of the illiterate peasants of history, wholeheartedly committed to a supernatural presence they have absolutely no intellectual reason to believe in. Instead, I have the questioning mind of St. Thomas Aquinas, challenging every aspect of my religion, without his beautiful ability to meet such disputes with answers.
So I read Aquinas, who does have the answers. I read the Platonic and Aristotelian philosophy he models Christianity after. I've read St. Augustine's Confessions twice, Boethius' Consolation of Philosophy once, smatterings of Saints Jerome and Ambrose. I am not the first to raise doubts -- in two-thousand years of Church history, so many knowledgeable men and women have tackled the hardest questions. It'd be an intellectual crime to ignore the philosophical wealth at my metaphorical doorstep, to stop believing just because I do not have every answer. Blind doubt is not a substitute for blind faith.
And, at a certain point, all people must humble themselves to admit that they will never understand 100% of existence. It doesn't matter if your faith is in a supreme being, or "scientific explanation" (which aren't mutually exclusive but I digress) -- sooner or later, you will be overwhelmed by how insanely complex and layered every fabric of life and our existence are.
Even with all my reading, and studying, and conviction of theologian and philosopher's reasoning regarding the necessary existence of God and souls, it doesn't completely eliminate doubt. There are chinks in the armor. It all seems so thoroughly complex and convoluted and intricate that some days, that understanding turns right back into perplexing and wondering, "How can this be true?" It at once is impossible, and yet, the only logical answer. Because I've been convinced the alternative (that there is no God, no Will, no Objective Truth) cannot be based in any sound philosophical reasoning. So no matter how often I disbelieve.... I yet continue to believe in it.
Friends, if you are like me, you must give your faith a fair chance. Atheism/agnosticism is not the default; the concept that there is nothing must philosophically prove itself as much as the concept that there is something. Read the Summa Theologicae -- if you must, the cliffnotes version first. Thomas Aquinas' sheer perchance for unshakeable logic is what keeps me grounded in my belief even when it seems too complex to believe in. My intellectualism is both curse and gift: I am dissatisfied with what I can't understand, and yet I am unable to deny sense where I find it.
Do not ignore your doubts. Seek
them out, confront them, and put them to trial. And when you arrive more assured at the inevitable mystery of existence, it will be easier to believe, even when you don't.