[1percentcharge]

My favorite pirate joke is “why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at c” not because it’s THAT funny but because it’s a relatively simple joke that nobody ive told it to has ever correctly guessed the punchline for because they all think it’s gonna be a joke about arrrr

[1percentcharge]

Another classic is

“Why couldn’t the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck!”

For more hilarious pirate jokes like these go to google and type pirate jokes into the search bar and click search

[somarysueme]

Sorry for the double reblog I just wanted to let everyone know that I told the first joke to my dad and he hung up on me.

[thethirdromana]

For fans of the first joke especially, I'd like to suggest:

"What's a pirate's favourite letter?"

(someone will invariably say "arrr!")

"Ah, you may be thinking that, but me first love be the C"

[kadiumz]

its snooseday!!!!!! (snoopy tuesday)

[one-time-i-dreamt]

Dolly Parton has come to do a show in my town. We couldn't afford tickets, so me and my mom sold my stepdad so we could go.

It turned out that we sold him to Dolly Parton, she made him sing with her and then she gave him back.

[moo-moohead]

I threw my short, blonde hair into a messy bun before putting on my cowboy boots. I stared at my big blue orbs in the mirror and sighed. I'm nothing like the other step-dads in town. I'm different. I like to mow the grass.

"Stupid man!" I heard my stepdaughter yell, and I quickly hurried down the stairs to see my wife and stepdaughter standing there, arms crossed.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"We need money for concert tickets, so we're selling you." My wife roared.

I felt tears flow down my rosy red cheeks as I held my Horse Monthly magazine to my chest.

"Howdy honey!" Someone's voice drawled from behind me. I turned around

"Dolly Parton!?" I gasped.

[shingojira]

the fuck you lookin at keep scrollin

[shingojira]

still looking?

[aurpiment]

Shout out to the ten primate species, four bat species, elephant shrews, and the Cairo spiny mouse. Nobody else gets it

[oarfjsh]

[tessa-the-duck]

here you are sweetie

[speedlimit15]

i think if your account has existed on this site for a certain number of years you should be grandfathered into ad free browsing. a decade seems reasonable like if you signed up in 2012 or prior you have tenure

[hickeywiththegoodhair]

Were you a victim of the Mishapocalypse? You might be entitled to compensation

[feminescu]

i am not my mother and i am not my father but a third worse thing

[floridakilo]

their daughter

[chemicahs]

putting butter on toasted bread is so good has anyone else tried this shit

[icksludge]

intersring dish. drop the recipe

[chemicahs]

Im so glad you asked! In my family, we’re a little different. For generations, butter has been a staple ingredient in all of our recipes. It all started in 1943 when my great grandfather Jo discovered cows. As a youngster he used to churn milk while watching the family of mourning doves on the neighbors land fight over the plumpest worms each morning. The doves feeding their children inspired grandpa Jo so much throughout the years that an idea sparked in his head. He then started the family business we all know as Bo’s kitchen (changed it to Bo for the letter B from butter.)

One day a young woman named Margeryne came into our shop and excitedly declared she also enjoyed making food in the shape of a rectangle. Upon hearing this grandpa Jo almost called his lawyer to file a lawsuit, assuming if anyone else found a way to make food in the shape of a rectangle it must be a stolen copy of our one-of-a-kind melt-in-your-mouth butter recipe. But he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard her call this rectangular food a “Loaf.” We stared in awe at her creation for what felt like hours. That’s when I tried bread for the very first time. It was shockingly delicious and wonderfully fluffy.

But, even then, I had never thought about putting butter on top of bread before. In this recipe I will show you how two rectangular foods combine to make something even greater, something that will make you say Mmmmm! like you’ve never said it before.

Ingredients:

- butter

- bread

Directions:

Toast 2 slices of bread, spread a pad of butter on the tops of each, serve warm.

[icksludge]

2 stars. it was terrible. idk what went wrong, i replaced the bread with a brick and the butter for cement paste to cut back on carbs (im on the curbs diet) and it just tasted like rocks. WTF. 😡😡

[one-time-i-dreamt]

The plot of Macbeth was acted out by the Muppets. Miss Piggy as Lady Macbeth is the best thing I have ever witnessed and the only thing I really remember from it.

[randompotatoes1]

God, I wish this was true. I can totally see Miss Piggy going to Kermit like, I dare you to kill the king you weak frog

[dreamwaffles]

This reminds me that once I dreamed I was watching a Muppet Phantom of the Opera where Miss Piggy played Christine, and when the Phantom took her down to the creepy underground boat and tried to seduce her, she hit him so hard he fell off and thus commenced a slapstick fight where he, Miss Piggy, and an alligator surfaced at various times on either side of the boat

I laughed so hard I woke up

[bigscaryd]

unsnout me now, etc.

[pleasuresoftheharbor]

"yayy" is such a beautiful word. let's all cheer forever 🦔

[samlickereightyone]

MICHAEL MYERS WAS 21?????????????

[samlickereightyone]

he should’ve been at the clubbbbbb……..

[helloitsbees]

[thisaccisdead]

[severalbadpunslater]

[studentlifeproblems]

[just-shower-thoughts]

If humans go extinct, it’s possible that a future intelligent species makes a Jurassic Park like movie about us.

[chodeboy-deactivated20260710]

customer: hi how are you today

me: 

[shwagerr]

petting a dog and it goes to someone else