Spoiler: Safe Space

Mental health stuff. Virtual journey/diary to my healing process and probably inpatient therapy :) Trying to put my thoughts into words. You can call me 'A' | She/Her

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(No, of course I have not forgotten this blog, but it is all very quiet at the moment until I dare to take the next step.) Thank you for still following this blog. 💚

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Weird coping / distraction / skill thing I do.

Often I need some distraction, but it is very difficult for me to do something when I'm having a real hard time.

I love writing, but most of the time I can’t write down my thoughts. It’s too exhausting and I have no idea how to put it into words.

So here’s a random thing I’m doing.

I watch YouTube videos whenever I need distraction, because movies and series can be very stressful for me as well. But just watching videos is not enough to provide real distraction.

So I combine it with writing, but I don’t really have to use my head, which is helpful.

I mainly use my phone and the pen it has, but you can of course also do it on paper.

So, I click on a random video and then start writing down the most random sentences the creator says.

Just some parts of sentences or words as if I’m quoting them.

I just take random things from the video and write them down, not the whole script, just something in between. When I’m done writing one thing, I’ll just take the next sentence I hear.

This doesn’t require much attention, I don’t have to focus completely on the video and my hand has something to do. Besides, hand writing is a very satisfying thing for me.

It’s a very simple distraction and makes little sense, which is good, because when I feel bad, I don’t want anything meaningful, but just something that I don’t need to move for or something that I really need concentration for.

It can also be fun to read the nonsense later. Maybe it helps someone the way it helps me. <3

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Name change :)

either-day-or-night -> caught-between-black-and-white

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Them: I want to watch movie XY with you

*I can’t allow myself to watch this movie right now. I’m in a bad mental place at the moment. The atmosphere of the movie is dark, some characters have unhealthy behaviors. I like the character/actor XY very much, I'm probably going to be hyper fixated. That wouldn't be good at the moment, when that happens I will ignore all real and important things and only focus on this obsession. Besides, it's so exhausting and mind crashing. I will become delusional and will have more problems with negative and strong emotions. If I'm going to take over their whole personality... I don't have the fitting clothes. But if I can't dress like it, I will completely explode. I can’t order even more clothes. I already ordered too much and I need the rest money for some urgent things. I will use so many more unhealthy behaviors if I'm going to be addicted to it. What if I suddenly feel the need to colour my hair like theirs? I just coloured it. And I would have to bleach but my hair is already so damaged. All these 'what ifs' but I know myself, the probability that it will happen is high. It’s been way too many times and I hate it when it happens. It's hurtful and exhausting...*

Me: I'm sorry, I think I don’t want to watch this movie right now. We can watch something else. Something.. easy?

Them: Ugh, of course you have to say no again. Well, I don’t want to watch boring stuff. Then we don’t watch anything at all.

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And of course I have not forgotten this account, I just still have no answer 🙃 I should have written an email a long time ago but to be honest I still lack the courage. Maybe at some point.

But another little thing happened and I feel like it fits here as well: From Friday (October 6th) I will participate in a group therapy, a skills group for people with borderline and I am maximally anxious. But I hope it will help me at least a little bit and maybe I can share some helpful things. :)

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To be honest, I don’t know what to share here and what not, because I don’t know what’s interesting enough and what’s not. xD

But if anyone is interested, in two days it will be two weeks since I sent the application. And I found out that there is a law in Germany that the application must be answered no later than 3 weeks after receiving. If it takes longer, they have to give a justification. The probability that I will get the answer next week is high. 👀

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Okay so, little update. I got an answer the week before last, and they just told me that they are not responsible for it but have forwarded my application to the right authority.

I was wondering all the time why I have to send it to the first authority, I knew they are not responsible but bureaucracy sucks. At least they forwarded it.

And the new authority, the health insurance, has a period of 5 weeks, so the next answer will probably come within the next 3-4 weeks.

So, waiting 2.0 🙄

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To be honest, I don’t know what to share here and what not, because I don’t know what’s interesting enough and what’s not. xD

But if anyone is interested, in two days it will be two weeks since I sent the application. And I found out that there is a law in Germany that the application must be answered no later than 3 weeks after receiving. If it takes longer, they have to give a justification. The probability that I will get the answer next week is high. 👀

[dreamdolldiary]

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Update: The application is already in the post car. It has been sent. Now it’s time to wait. 🫣

Can't believe it's really happening ahhhh

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Macabre inpatient joke ahead!

One thing I’ve been looking forward to for months, and yes, it’s macabre and my mother hates it too, but I’m so looking forward to it. 😂

I'm definitely going to wear my Arkham Asylum merch there. 🫣

Jacket and Tshirt ^^

If you are familiar with the DC universe, then you know what the Arkham is. And if you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’m a big Joker fan.

But I think the word 'Asylum' already says enough. xD Sorry not sorry, but I need to xD

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Have I looked hundreds of times how big my suitcase is and how much fits in? Yes.

Have I already thought about what clothes and things I buy before inpatient begins? Yes.

Have I been thinking about which songs I want to listen to all the time? Yes.

Have I already thought about what I would like to take with me to make the room in which I come more beautiful? Yes.

Have I already thought about outfits? Yes.

Have I thought about which books to take? Yes.

Have I already thought about which stickers to stick on my laptop for the stay? Yes.

Have I already thought about what hair color I want? Yes.

Have I thought about dyeing my hair there? Yes.

Have I already registered for the clinic? No.

Have I at least sent the request for cost coverage? Also no.

Planning CEO 👀

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Well, I expected something more special today. xD

Also it turned out that many people were just too stupid to explain how it works, then I could have had a lot less stress.

Buuuut: After many, many months with many crises and a lot of stress, I finally have everything together for registration. In two days I will send it and then it is time to wait and hope that it will be accepted without problems and without taking long.

And then I can finally register at the clinic. Although I am happy, more than expected, but on the other hand it gets more and more serious and still I can’t really realize that it actually happens. 💚

By the way, this blog also serves a bit of self-manipulation. I need this therapy and the more people know about it the more forced I am to really do it. xD

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And one more short thing, I would ask you not to call me hbj on this blog, rather just 'A'. It's just for comfortable reasons. Thank you a lot 💚

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Okay, little information post? Such a small, 'what’s going on at all' because I think there is still some confusion. And as I said, so far I have very little idea how everything works, so it will probably only be really exciting on this blog when inpatient starts. I don’t know. xD (Another big thank you for the support, it means everything💚)

Tw: psychiatry and emergency situations / Personal stuff

Today could be one of the most important days of my life, appointment at 11 am. I have the completed application. My psychiatrist still has to fill out a part today, I hope she does it right away. Then I get other important papers from her that are also for the registration and then, if everything works out I can send the application. This application is only there to see if my insurance covers the costs of inpatient therapy, so it is very important. If accepted, I can register at the clinic.

It was a terrible pain to get the payment application somehow, it took several months and a lot of phone calls etc. Everyone sent me to someone else, nobody wanted to be responsible.

The clinic I will be in is not a "normal psychiatry" where I can be admitted against my will. I could get access to a psychiatry any second and often there are emergency situations where my parents and I are thinking about taking me to a psychiatry. But I always decided against it out of fear, I hope it will continue like this. By that I mean, I hope there will be no situation in which I am really no longer able to decide independently.

But since I know that I need an inpatient therapy, I decided on the other way, a clinic in which I will move in voluntarily.

That is why today is very important because it is another step.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. 💚

Of course, if you have any questions, asks are open. Anon is on. 💚

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Stretch marks are normal. Cellulite is normal. That place on the abdomen that doesn't lie flat is normal. Pimples are normal. Body hair is normal. Wrinkles are normal. You do not owe the world a version of you that is free of these things.

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Me, 90% of the time: Oh lord, I’m so scared, I don’t want to. I’ll break it all off and never talk about inpatient again!

Me, the other 10%: I'M GOING TO BE THE ABSOLUTE BIGGEST MAIN CHARACTER OF ALL TIME

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Just because they are therapists, they are not automatically right with everything they say.

Talk to your therapist if they’re wrong. Never let yourself be intimidated or influenced by anything your therapist says if it’s not true.

One of the therapists I was with always wanted to convince me with a lot of pressure that everything is the fault of my fears etc. Of course, many of my behaviors are influenced by my illnesses, but simply not always. But she didn’t want to accept it. It didn’t fit into the cliché, the stigma. Things that I have even explained to her sometimes much too rational, she has always twisted it and wanted to convulsively convince me that subconsciously my diseases are to blame.

Spoiler: just because I have the diagnosis that I have doesn’t mean I can’t think for myself anymore. For some things this may be true, which is also due to illness, but I go to the therapist to get help. I should tell what’s going on and I should be believed. But even therapists are not free from stigma and clichés. You think it and actually it should not be so, but unfortunately no one is completely free of it. But that does not give them the reason to create problems where none are.

Because it happens too often, and I kept trying to explain to her how I see it. I explained everything rationally and in detail, my thoughts, my feelings, but no, she didn’t want to believe it. At some point I just agreed because I gave up. Because I didn’t want to discuss anymore and was always rejected, so I just agreed.

I was intimidated, nervous and not self-conscious enough. And so it made my way more difficult for me because it simply came to misunderstandings that I could not resolve.

So just because it’s your therapist doesn’t always mean they’re right. It doesn’t mean they’re allowed to tell you things that aren’t true. Don't be afraid to say it, no matter how hard it is. At least try, do what is most important for your healing. And if your therapist doesn’t want to listen to you, it’s not a therapist who will drive your healing. They are there to listen to you, not the other way around.

(Of course, the job is hard, and I know that lying is kind of normal in therapy, it shouldn’t be like that, but it is. I am often not 100% honest, but it is not okay to deny your conditions, thoughts and emotions.)

<3