i’m working late

amber | she/her | 32

[causeimasinger]

hi lovelies 🩷 the very first thing i want to say is i love you all, genuinely, with all my heart having been here since i was 15, i’ve made so many friends who have helped me through some of the hardest times of my life, have helped me and supported me in understanding my own sexuality, and who have just genuinely been there for me. it has meant so much.

i’m so so sorry. if you’re reading this i’ve died.

my mom is publishing this post for me and has access to my whole tumblr and if you feel inclined to send her a message or an ask about me, i think she would really love to hear for herself how wonderful the relationships i’ve cultivated here have been. don’t worry about scaring her off with fandom-related things, she Knows me.

this might be one of the hardest things i’ve ever written. fuck. today is september 4, 2025. i desperately hope you’re reading this at least in 2026. god im scared.

i honestly can’t think of anything profound to say. shoutout to friends i’ve had for 15 years, for 10 years, 5, 1, those i’ve only connected with in the past few months. you guys really and truly have made my life so much better. i can never thank yall enough.

with all the love in the world,

amber 🩷

[causeimasinger]

If you knew Amber you knew she was a writer. As she continued to develop her skills she moved into poetry and wrote a powerful collection of poems detailing her experiences and cancer journey.

Today exactly 46 days after she passed her book was published and is now available for everyone to read.

She would be elated to know that this was achieved and I can’t wait to receive my copy.

Amazon.com: My Body Isn’t Mine Anymore & Other Poems: 9798246721889: White, Amber: Books

[causeimasinger]

It is with great sorrow that we announce the passing of Amber. Amber passed on December 21st after an almost 6 year battle with breast cancer. Amber had a beautiful spirit and a zest for life. She was an author and a wonderful poet. She lived for her two nephews, Alex and Max. Amber is survived by her parents, Miles and Melissa, brother Nicholas, sister in law Victoria and nephews Alex and Max. She is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and cherished friends.

Our hearts are broken but we are comforted with knowing that she is no longer in pain.

[causeimasinger]

had The Conversation with my friends. to be honest i’m still processing it. i think it went ok. they both said i need to get a lot more information about what each choice would look like which i agree with so im going to see my palliative care doctor sooner than i had planned. anyway i will do my best to keep tumblr updated even if its just copy pasting the statuses my mom posts on my little “ambers fight” facebook page even though most people wouldn’t likely notice i wasn’t posting i still want to make sure the people that do notice have an idea at the very least of whether im alive or not 🙃

[causeimasinger]

so i’m like. incredibly close to having to make the decision of attempting to continue treatment or stop treatment and go into hospice care. like the chemo this last time destroyed my immune system. a good number for your white blood count is like 8 and when i got to the hospital mine was .9 and the dr called it “dangerously low”. my oncologist came to my room and told me whether my tumor marker has gone up or down will heavily affect whether we continue this chemo regimen, which i could probably do and then just get a blood transfusion after every treatment to try and keep my wbc up. if my tumor marker has gone up then she said she will look for something new to try or we can just… stop. to quote her, “this sucks. this sucks for you, this sucks for them *points to my mom*, this sucks for me because after five years i -“ and then she stopped bc she had tears in her eyes. and yeah. it sucks. this past week physically was really bad. it was like i could feel my body just… shutting down. i felt like i was dying. i don’t know that i can do that again. so yeah. my mom has been vocally “it’s your choice and i will love and support you no matter what” and my dad was “yeah you’re going to fight this”. and then i said “well.. i think it’s something worth thinking about - if im so miserable all the time…” and i think my mom gave him a “you better support her or else” and he finally gave in and said “your mom is right, we will support you whatever you feel like you need to do”. i’ve had the conversation with my sister in law and she didn’t really say much about her opinion on it she just kind of received the information and held onto it. she told my brother but he and i haven’t talked about it personally. now this weekend we are going a tiny bit out of town (1.5 hour drive) and i will have the conversation with my lifelong best friend and another of my best friends and im nervous not just bc of how theyll react but also because saying it out loud is so fucking hard. and that’s happening tonight so. yeah. feeling a lot of feelings right now.

[yenvengerberg]

THE SUBWAY Directed by Amber Grace Johnson

[causeimasinger]

someone tell sabrina carpenter that i’m dying so she’ll come pity visit me bc im too old for make a wish 😔

[sabrinasource]

SABRINA CARPENTER at the Short n' Sweet Tour in New York (via Instagram)

[shortwaveradioenthusiast]

[kingedwardsapphires]

Me stepping out of the optometry office after slamming four lokos with the doctor and immediately meeting the love of my life (but I have social anxiety)

[what-even-is-thiss]

Is there any other problematic author, like Scott Card (materially contributes to homophobic political legislation) or Gaiman (perpetrator of sex crimes) or any other of the myriad of authors and creators who are creating harm to the public (numerous types of issues), for whom you see a similar level of interpersonal pressure to denounce so thoroughly and continuously?

If not, why do you think that is?

I also do not think that supporting those people’s careers is a great thing to do while they’re still hurting people.

The difference is though that neither of those people are literal billionaires that are so thoroughly engrained in the public consciousness that every bookstore in existence seems to have a section exclusively dedicated to their merchandise for decades on end.

[what-even-is-thiss]

The scale of JK Rowling’s power is an anomaly in all of the history of professional writers.

Neil Gaiman is an exceptionally rich outlier by writer standards because of his work in tv and film and he has an estimated net worth of $10 million

Stephen King is even more of an outlier with an estimated net worth of $500 million

Rowling currently as I’m writing this has an estimated net worth of $1.2 billion. Billion with a B.

She is the wealthiest author in all of history. Not just currently. Of all time. And she uses that power to fuck over trans people. She actively funds anti-trans court cases. She uses her considerable influence to donate money to and champion anti-trans legislation. She doesn’t stop tweeting.

This woman is a political force. She is heavily influential even outside of her own country. Neil Gaiman is a piece of shit but after his douchebaggery came to light he stopped tweeting. He doesn’t have the political power to do what she’s doing. Very, very few people do.

[causeimasinger]

if you noticed my absence the last few days…..

[causeimasinger]

me n’ chomp comfy at home :)

[causeimasinger]

if you noticed my absence the last few days…..

[rslashrats]

dude we are just like twins except we were born at two completely different times and we are not related and we look nothing alike too

[dvnklenacht]

Well, don't you wanna wrap me up and mistle touch under the tree? 🎄🎁

[drtrinitysantos]

I love when people have a baby and they look exactly like the parent who gave birth to them. Like yeah that's what you're supposed to do.

[drtrinitysantos]

imagine going through a whole pregnancy just to make a copy of your in-laws. sick and fucking twisted. baby's first INGRATITUDE. baby's first AUDACITY.

[drtrinitysantos]

I would ground them. I would tell the doctor to put them back in. go to your womb and think about what you've done.

[causeimasinger]

even though it ended in the hospital i did actually have a birthday trip in savannah!

[causeimasinger]

(to the tune of ~we almost broke up again last night~)

~i almost went to the hospital again last night~

it’s la little long so details under the cut

so had to call 911 last night. i had to use the bathroom and i’ve been having extra trouble so i switched out to my portable oxygen machine so the wires could reach and i could - let’s be reaal - poop. i made it from the corner behind the couch where i lay my head to not even really the door before i detoured to the chair because i couldn’t breathe (want to specify this is not even 6 steps). spent a few moments deep breathing and going up to a 4 oxygen level hoping it would pass but it just got worse. eventually i yelled for my dad (next door) (mom was downstairs babysitting the boys) to come help me grab my inhaler. dad took a minute and by that point mom had made it up the stairs (they aren’t lying about those Mom Superpowers like Miss Double Knee Replacements Fibromyalgia Chronic Pain RAN up those stairs) and i was using my emergency inhaler but it was like my lungs were closed and i couldn’t get any medicine in. after a couple minutes and it’s getting worse i eventually told them to call 911. i was clammy and hot and tingling and lightheaded and i expected to pass out any minute. so dad called and mom went to wait downstairs with the boys so they wouldn’t be scared. apparently the call went through as Patient Not Breathing so she had to correct them and by that point i was able to finally use the inhaler and calmed down enough to breathe a little. they gave me the option to go to the hospital and i said no so they checked my blood pressure and pulse ox (97 - we had bumped my tank up to like 5 i think)- they waited till i was 100% good then left. but dude for a few minutes i legitimately thought i was going to die. it was terrifying. and now i can’t walk without losing my breath so we’re ordering a walker for inside the house. just going to pee now is a whole ordeal. the whole thing was fucking crazy i can’t believe im at this point

[causeimasinger]

where is everybody am i gonna have to call 911 again

[causeimasinger]

this would’ve been so much funnier like a year ago when i was still in the 911 fandom. the jokes i could’ve made are boundless. alas among the 5 men that showed up in my room i did not have enough oxygen in my brain to begin shipping any of them. but i was even in my underwear