The CCK Diaries

Create • Beauty

[cck-beauty]

As I sit here in a crowded, loud indoor playground I wonder; am I lonely?

I think often I need friends, adults to socialize with and talk to. But the very thought makes me feel it is all superficial, not authentic.

Maybe I’m so far damaged and disappointed that it’s not a real feasible thing for me to be - a friend.

[cck-beauty]

Who do you want to be?

Who do I want to be?

Who am I?

[cck-beauty]

What are you going to bring to the day?

Are you going to do things because you feel you ‘should’ or because it feels good?

Do things from a place of love. Love of self, love of life, love of capability, and desire to grow.

[cck-beauty]

It is said that when you feel like you are trudging through mud (metaphorically speaking) and getting nowhere it means you are about to “level up” or shed your old skin. When you’re in it it feels like you won’t survive, or the ugliest parts of you will make an appearance, only to be riddled with guilt afterward.

It has only been 12 days into the new year, and I feel like I’ve survived and endured an entire years worth of lessons. Patience, sanity and self-worth has all been tested to what feels like the extremes.

But, each day is a new beginning. A fresh start, a do-over, to recommit, to draw from lessons learned, to grow.

Recently I have given myself permission to cut out, delete, remove anything from my life in any capacity that does not bring me joy, or positive thoughts or feelings without guilt. It’s beginning to turn from being envious (for no apparent reason other than comparing and allowing myself to feel unworthy), to empowered. Acknowledging that something is causing me to stress or self-sabotage and removing it has made me feel in control and proud.

Society has riddled us from the time we are young that we (especially as women) must act, be seen, and look a certain way. And if we deviate we are meant to feel guilty, or unworthy because we do not “measure up” to unattainable (natural) expectations.

I’ve created life, I nourish that life and I am proud. I am not going to subject myself to a lifestyle that creates a negative relationship with food and activity. I’m going to do it and eat it because it feels good and nourishes my body and soul, not because I want to lose 30lbs…

I want to be the example I didn’t necessarily have.

[mrs-homemaker]

💕

[cck-beauty]

This world has conditioned women to prove they are equal to men, to do things better than men. That drives us into our masculine as we feel it will protect us, advance us. Our femininity is seen as a weakness, a weakness we feel we cannot afford, because it may (or most certainly will) affect our survival.

I was this woman. I did survive, I did advance, and yes, I did many things better than my male counterparts. But at what cost?

[cck-beauty]

Who am I?

That is the THE question. When people ask that question, most unintentionally divert to describing what they do - I am guilty.

Maybe we’re not meant to be able to vocalize the answer, only silently discover.

The answers are not the end destination. As time passes we are to evolve, and hopefully what makes us, us does too…

[cck-beauty]

Never feel burning a candle is a waste…

It’s meditative, it’s clearing, it’s calming, it’s recharging.

[cck-beauty]

We as individuals always have a choice.

Whether it’s on a conscious or sub-conscious level, we fundamentally choose to make that choice or decision.

Did you know when you are angry or frustrated you are choosing said emotions. You are choosing to allow someone’s actions or words affect your energy. If someone gave you an ultimatum about whether you wished to be happy or angry for the remainder of your life, what would be your choice? Happiness. Then why allow someone else’s decision to be selfish, or inconsiderate, or completely ignorant affect you?

There is a beautifully written book titled The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer, who speaks about how we allow things to affect us. And how we count how many things have gone wrong throughout our day and hold on to them like tokens. Why do we hold on to them? To then brag to those who will listen of who had a ‘worse’ day? To use as an excuse for our foul mood or things we say/do to another?

We are choosing to hold on to those insignificant, trivial things and they are only harming us.

The one exquisite example I distinctly remember from this book is, when you’re driving and you pass a tree on your way, do you get angry at the tree for being there in your sight? You look at the tree, you notice the tree, your brain processes the tree and then the thought is gone. It’s as if the thought is water and your mind is the creek, the water flows gently, caressing rocks on its way, you notice it but it continues on melting and swaying along.

Why can’t we do that when someone is going 90 in the fast lane? When someone cuts us off? Or you hit every red light on the way to work? Those are all very small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but we allow these moments to irritate us to our core, to look for these moments to compound to give ourselves permission to have a piss poor attitude.

I don’t want to choose to be angry anymore, I’m making a conscious decision in reflection of your decision. I will be happy when I look back, will you?

Here’s a photo of my breakfast the other morning, something sweet after such a salty post. Berry topping from The Bite Me Balance COOKBOOK, it was delicious and decadent and for a much needed pick me up - I’d add whip cream!

[cck-beauty]

Let’s seize? Ah, squeeze the day…

Does anyone really know where or why New Years Resolutions originated? Who implied January 1 of each year was the best (okay, maybe not the best - but a good) time to begin a change. It’s taken me 33 years to realize one doesn’t have to wait for January 1st to start. (Like starting a diet on Monday, why?)

For some reason, December 24th it dawned on me that I was to use December 25th this year as my new beginning. Wasn’t entirely sure of what that entailed or if there was a specific goal I wanted to tackle. But, something (or someone) told me I should begin exploring and truly enveloping the things I believe and feel are meditative - bringing me back to balance.

There are lists of things in every category that I do that makes my soul melt back to sanity. Why CCK? Think it’s a cute handle, has a good flow. How many days did it take me to come up with that? Two.

As a new mother who is fortunate enough to stay at home, it has been a major adjustment. One I feel I’ve done with grace and ease but like you’ve heard before, it is more difficult than you can imagine. It’s not raising, feeding, keeping the kids alive. It’s fighting the self worth and guilty thoughts off, the unsolicited advice, the “am I doing enough?, “am I doing it right?”. That’s what’s hard! That’s why moms are mentally exhausted. But, you know what’s the most difficult of all? Not only telling ourselves that we deserve self-care, self-love, patience and kindness. It’s actually doing it. That’s where I am…

That’s why I’ve created this blog. To document, to use as an outlet to be creative and push myself to explore all things that bring me back to balance.