And maybe itās later, after dinner with Shaneās parents, after Ilya and Shane have snuggled on the couch and brushed their teeth side by side, after Shane has fallen asleep at record speed in the warmth of Ilyaās arms. Then, Ilya lets out a sigh of relief.
Heās so happy and proud and warm. He feels safe in a way he never knew was possible in this lifetime. The knot slowly uncurling in his stomach is from a fear that was unrealized.
Ilya presses his lips to Shaneās damp hair and strokes his fingers across the freckles on Shaneās shoulder. Each one is his favorite, he thinks. Except for the ones that adorn Shaneās nose. Those are his real favorite.Ā
The feeling of tears rises up in Ilyaās throat and he physically shakes his head like that will knock the sensation away. He should be happy. This is silly. But-
āThis is my actual fucking nightmare,ā he recalls Shane saying earlier.Ā
Ilyaās stomach had dropped at those words. He had moved past it because Shane needed him in the moment. His sweet, brave boyfriend being forcibly and suddenly made to tell multiple secrets to his parents. But now, in the dark and the quiet, the fear Ilya had felt in that moment feels painful behind his ribs.Ā
A tear slips from the corner of his eye and after that, another. For awhile Ilya lays silent until heās worried Shane will wake up. Then, he carefully gets out of bed, pulls the sheets up around Shane and presses a pillow under the arm Shane had had wrapped around him.
He goes outside by the fire pit. Itās cool but the stars are bright above him and the air feels good on his cheeks.Ā
Ilya presses the heels of his hands into his eyes until spots swim before him. But the fear, the relief, the adrenaline continues to boil up in his throat.Ā
Heās unsure how much time passed when he hears the back door slide open.
Shane is standing there in only his shorts, a blanket falling off one shoulder, hair tousled and eyes sleepy.
Ilya feels a rush of affection so strong he almost wants to cry some more.Ā
Shane comes to stand beside him, cradling his face and squinting down at him in the darkness.Ā
āWhatās wrong?ā Shane whispers.Ā
He wipes his thumbs across Ilyaās cheeks and clambers into his lap.Ā
āIs fine,ā Ilya says quietly, he looks up into Shaneās concerned face and tries to look convincing.
āI am happy,ā Ilya insists. āI just-ā
Shane pushes Ilyaās curls away from his face, kisses his forehead and his temple. He waits.Ā
Thereās a short silence and Ilya finds that his hands are pressing hard into Shaneās waist as he holds him. He tries to loosen his grip.Ā
āYou said ,ā Ilya looks away. āYou said it is your nightmare.āĀ
Shane inhales sharply and immediately starts to say, āI wasnāt talking about you.ā
At the same time Ilya says, āI know it was not about me but it felt like it could be. For a minute. Maybe I am not worth all of this.ā
Shane pulls Ilyaās face back to his and kisses him gently. Fervently.Ā
Arms wrap around his shoulders and Ilya is engulfed in the blanket too. He presses his face into the curve of Shaneās neck.
āYouāre worth everything,ā Shane whispers. āYou are everything.āĀ
Ilya nods against the skin, already made damp from his warm breath and the cool air.
Heās not sure he believes that but he believes that Shane means it.Ā
He pulls back to look at Shane again, strokes his thumbs up and down his sides.
āI love you.ā Ilya says, making sure to hold Shaneās gaze. āI am proud of you.ā
āProud of us,ā Shane corrects.Ā
āOf us,ā Ilya agrees.
They make their way back inside, fingers linked and Ilya feels like every inhale is reaching a place thatās been deprived of air for so long he canāt remember the last time he took a full breath.Ā
He lets Shane gather him to his chest, fuss over the blankets, and arrange his curls out of his face.Ā
Sleep rolls over him gently and, for tonight, he has no nightmares.
yousharknotpass
romaincrisis
2087
stormborns
titsay
