Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didnât knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying âI am a manâ. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.
I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like âI know weâre the privileged ones butâŠâ, âI donât want to sound like I have it bad butâŠâ, âWomen obviously have it worse, but last timeâŠâ and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didnât downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.
Most of us werenât on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were âstrong enoughâ to do it by themselves.
I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldnât stay in this body any longer because it wasnât mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.
5 years later and Iâm almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.
I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.
I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.
I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.
I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. Itâs the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.
I wonât tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes âI started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actorâ, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now Iâd just have more acne, Iâd have longer hair and still look like I donât know what to do with myself when I take selfies.
But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.
I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.
Itâs okay to take your time. Itâs your body, itâs your journey, if you donât feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.
If you feel overwhelmed, itâs okay to take a break, itâs okay to ask for support.
Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didnât lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, donât let them.
Itâs perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that donât feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesnât make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.
You donât have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far youâve come already. It doesnât have to show, youâre not made to be a spectacle, youâre human and it is your journey.
Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say âOh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because itâs weirdâ ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It wonât be a waste. It can help people. Or it wonât, and even then, if it helped you, thatâs enough.
Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.
blakekathryn
kaledo-art
snowghoul
ellievsbear
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