Our journey is bumpy together. Our childhood is traumatic. One shines their Light, the other sits in her darkness. As I've said before, our mother has conditioned me to be there for her no matter what, and I have. We've endured drug and alcoholic parents, sexual and physical abuse from them, moving and separation from the family we love, and hardships through high school. No matter how wrong she is in any situation, I held her heart and she held my hand.
After high school, I moved to Florida. She felt I abandoned her. Left her with no one to hold her heart and make sure she was okay. I had been gone only for a few months when I got the call; Michael had been caught videoing her in the shower. The call was from himself. He was ashamed and scared, I could hear it in his voice. What did he expect me to say? All I could say was, well... you have to own up to this and make it right, I don't know how, but this is bad. He already had history with me, and now my mother failed us again, by allowing it to continue on with sister. I couldn't be there for her, I knew she hated me for it.
From a young age, she developed a way with manipulation. She would turn our parents against each other, taking the focus off her so she could do as she wanted. Disregarding the history our step-father had with me and advisement from mother, she chose to wear tight and revealing clothing around him. Almost enticing him so she can turn mother against him. What was her thinking on this? He shouldn't be looking. Well, duh, of course not, especially considering he's supposed to be our "father". He has a problem. There comes a point where you have to protect yourself, why did she choose not to? I by no means blame her for what happened. Mother failed us, but she failed herself too. She always wanted the attention; if I was talking, she made sure she was heard, if Michael was focused on mother, she was distracting him, if mother was focused on Michael, she was distracting her. No matter the cost. Attention whore.
My sister has a history of drug abuse, since she was 13. Drinking robitussin and alcohol, pills, coke, I can only hope meth isn't on that list. All the while being medicated for depression and anxiety. A few years back she had a major medical situation. The doctors couldn't figure out what was causing her so much pain in her hip. She was on the pain meds and drinking. The only way she knew how to cope. Grew up watching our parents. After a long few months, many doctor visits, and a trip to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, she got an answer. By then she was dependent on the meds and the way of life she grew to know. She cut me out most of this time of her life. I knew she wasn't well because of it. Like I've said, she's part of me.
As I'm living my life in Florida, I do my best to water the relationship. The phone calls got shorter and her tone towards me grew colder. She was being molded by the way of life she was choosing. She was already a moody child, but the substances just made it worse. We'd be in the middle of a healthy conversation about whatever she was going through and like a light switch, she'd flip and I've turned into the enemy. I'm against her and she's projecting her anger towards me, causing me to question everything in the conversation. Gas lighter. She's become a narcissist. As her sister, I fought to look past these traits and see the origin of it. I endured for years.
She moved in with me 2 years ago. Excited and hopeful to be together. Nothing but turmoil and chaos. I started divorce papers and we moved in together, it barely lasted 4 months. I couldn't take the verbal abuse and destruction she caused. The moment I realized I needed to move out was the night of her birthday, February 22,2021. We had gone out and the tequila was smooth. My best hometown friend was visiting and we were celebrating. The last bar we went to, a friend, who I had always felt connected to, walks in. My silly self is to the moon excited to see him, while realizing I need to go home. Thankfully, he lived in the apartments next to mine. But I didn't go home. Both of us drunk and in the back seat, I wish I could remember more. Thanks tequila. The door flies open, and I'm being dragged out by my ankles. She proceeds to beat the shit out of me. I barely remember her banging my head against the pavement and her thumbs pressed against my eyelids as I scramble from her hold. She punched Jakob 3 times in the face and threw is wallet and phone across the parking lot. She ran off, calling my ex to tell him I was with his best friend. What a night. I've come to the conclusion that she was jealous, why else would she react that way. When I asked her, she said " because you shouldn't have been there", as if she could tell me how to live my life. I didn't drink for a while after that and I moved out in April.
We didn't speak for a few months. She tried to cause turmoil at my secondary workplace, the kava bar, what had become my safe place. She started to work at one of the locations, even came in as a customer on my shifts. Making friends with my friends and guests at my bar, she enjoyed telling them how she beat my ass that night. It hurt and embarrassed me, which is what she wanted. With time, though, many saw who she was and didn't pay her any attention. She stopped coming around which was nice, but I worried. Come November, maybe early December, she totaled her jeep. Drinking and driving. How that girl didn't go to jail is beyond belief. When she told me, I had a meltdown. She nearly died. I nearly lost her, forever. In December, I Baker Acted her. The scariest call I've ever received. The relationship she was in hit an ending and she swallowed a handful of sleeping pills. She hated me, again, but only for a few days. I helped through that month. It was hell on both of us, but she came out stronger. For a short time.
We grew closer after that. Helped celebrate her birthday again, the sober way. Jakob and I crossed paths again that night, too. The Universe is a beautiful force.
Over the summer, I had heard from concerned friends that she was abusing nitrous. A can had blew up on her and she had turned blue in the face. Ugh, I wanted to cry. I'm scared to lose her. I called my mother, in hopes of getting sound advice and support for my concern. It was the opposite. I was told that my extra curricular activities were no different. On a rare occasion I smoke pot, but more so I eat mushrooms. Not only for the psychedelic effects, but the mental stability I gain from it. It's called micro dosing. In my mind, my mother just compared nitrous to mushrooms, like meth to pot. I was so disturbed by this, I lost even more respect for my mother.
The last couple of months I saw her grow tremendously. She was a joy to be around, we laughed, we cuddled and we told each other how much we love and mean to each other. She had been eating mushrooms. I watched her transform. She loved life, she loved to think deeper about the bigger picture. We went to the beach and talked and comforted each other. Our rollercoaster ride was on the up. I enjoyed telling my grandma, mom and aunt about how she was doing.
What changed? Where did she decide to turn on me? It's come to a point in our story where she let go. I don't think she realizes it, when she does, will she be okay?
Jakob and I had gone to a music festival in Georgia. She calls me frantic about what's just happened. Someone she fell for, but was complicated because he wasn't over his past relationship. No doubt he cared about her, but she didn't want to give him the space he needed. She grasps onto him like her life depended on it. She learned that from our mother. So the fight that caused this call, she's videoed cornering him in his room and aggressively going towards him. He wanted her out. Understandably so. She tells me she has no where to go, I tell her to figure it out, it'll be okay. She has friends she could stay with until I got home. We could figure it out then. I live with Jakob and his family, there's not much for room to help someone figure out their living situation, let alone with an 18 year old cat. I wanted to be there for her, but I'm out of town and cant do anything from Georgia. On that call with me, she didn't mention staying at our house, just that she'll figure it out. She called Jakob's mom. Bless her heart, she heard my sister distraught and wanted to help, of course. We get the text on the way home, that sister is staying with us. I was upset. We have a history of rollercoaster rides in our relationship, this was going to derail us.
She stayed for a week, but that wasn't the problem. Her attitude and entitlement in the situation was. When we walked in the door from our long weekend, she's wearing my clothes, she had been in set up in our room all weekend with her cat. In our space. Trying to talk to her about her plan throughout the week, ended in her gas lighting and manipulating the conversation. By the end of the week we had finally calmly and clearly converse and talked about options and a plan; she felt better and so did I. She left Friday. The entire issue with this situation was that Jakob and I felt like we were taken advantage of and disregarded. I needed to tell her, but timing is everything.
The next week Hurricane Ian was headed towards us. 2 mph shy of a Category 5 hitting our coast. Fort Myers Beach, Sanibel, and Captiva nearly wiped off the map, flooding and storm surge was catastrophic in surrounding areas. We had friends who lost their home staying with us, family of 5 with 4 dogs and 2 bunnies. No electric and everyone's feeling a little tense. The day after the storm, I missed her calls. Cell service is spotty, so I hardly looked at my phone. Thinking its an emergency, I call back. She answers upset because I didn't pick up her beta fish from the guy she lived with. The whole conversation was so ridiculous, I hung up on her. At this point, there's bigger fish to fry.
As life is getting back to normal after the storm, I'm amongst the many who return to work. It felt great to be behind the chair, being there for my guest as they endure the hardships from the storm. Draining, but happy to be a shoulder to lean on. She texts me to touch up her under cut and take care of her brows. I love taking care of her, however she texted me a few hours later telling me she doesn't have the money and if I can spot her. So now I've blocked my last hour for her, so that I can pay for my services. She has a habit of nonchalantly being an inconvenience and she doesn't care either.
She asked me to pick her up from the airport. Mother paid her way home for the weekend. Slightly jealous of the favoritism, I was happy she was able to take a break from her reality. It's not a terrible drive up there, so I had no problem agreeing to it and I brought Jakob's brother. He enjoys adventures with me. I looked forward to hearing about her weekend. Sadly, there was a lot of tragedy back home. Her friend from high school committed suicide and my high school best friend's ex step dad murdered his girlfriend. Emotions were high. I could tell when she got in the car she had been coked out and drunk all weekend. So I knew to tread lightly. I tried to stay focused on my mission for the day; laundry, clean the bathroom, schedule my oil change. She wanted to talk about whatever was bothering me, which good for her on picking up on my vibrations. I tried to deflect the conversation as much as possible, but she kept pressing the buttons. I started with the situation on how I felt about her staying at our house and that was as far as I got. She only heard that I felt taken advantage of. She interrupted me, started defending herself and lashing out. What pushed me the most was her telling me that I'm a shitty person, a piece of shit and worthless. The intention she put behind it and the forceful energy triggered me. As I was moving out of my ex's house, he screamed those same words to me; saying anything to tear me down and break me. The look on his face is scarred in my memory. It was demonic. From that day I vowed to myself to never allow anyone to speak to me that way, ever. The adrenaline rushing through to me, I could feel my throat tightening, palms sweating as I'm driving her to her destination. I pulled to the house and she left. I blocked her immediately, on all platforms. I will stand by the vow I made myself. Never again.
She let go a long time ago. I was grasping hard as she was pulling her hand away. I finally said okay and let go of her heart.
