sebastian

19 he/him MDNI spam/vent/diary kinda blog READ PINNED

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MINORS DO NOT FOLLOW ME!!!

i want to make it very clear that i am NOT pro-ed or pro-sh. this is a vent blog/digital diary/spam blog, literally just a place for me to vocalize my thoughts/feelings. you will not find pro-ed or sh posts here!

autistic, OCD, BPD, probably ADHD, depression/depressive episodes, anxiety, iatrophobic & nosocomephobic

main is @shinguji-akochan . if you’re a minor you can follow my main, just not this blog, because i post about sensitive topics and i don’t want to accidentally like glorify or encourage anything to minors

DNI/blocklist:

pro ed/sh (vent blogs about these or just casually talking about it is perfectly fine, but if you encourage disordered behavior and discourage recovery i will block you)

true crime community people

if you support/defend/participate in age play or ddlg or abdl or anything similar

maga/trump supporters “anti woke” etc etc

if you like/post/reblog gore

proship/darkship/comship/profic and loli/shotacon

radqueer

(this is just more or less for me to remember/keep track, and no i don’t put it in a diary bc i’ll lose it)

height: 5’4” (163 cm)

starting weight (june 13 2024): 172 lbs (78 kg)

current weight (august 1 2026): 127 lbs (57.1 kg)

goal weight: 115 pounds (52 kg)

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i’m kind of super fucking annoyed that our new hire at work didn’t tell anyone until last friday that she can’t work *any* mornings, so now i have to go in every morning this week that i was supposed to have off. i was really looking forward to not having to go in. and now i have to keep working 5+ days a week which is what was draining me so terribly in the first place!

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DO ANY OF YOU KNOW WHAT “MINORS DNI” MEANS I SWEAR TO GODDDDDDDD IT’s ON ALL OF MY POSTS AND IN THE TAGS AND IN MY PINNED WHDJAJHFOENFBF

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ooiuggghh i wanna cut but i’m scared to bc what if i do end up getting forced to the doctor and they see it and then try to force me into therapy. i don’t want to go to therapy

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idk man i just wish i had a community. some sort of niche.

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had a dream that i was able to start smoking cigarettes and it was sooo good 😿😿😿

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no but it really does piss me off that one of my ~ closest friends ~ just absolutely will not engage with any media that i enjoy whatsoever but as soon as they meet someone irl that has a similar interest, suddenly they like it??

specifically this is about vocaloid. i remember talking to them about it and them being like “yea i’ve heard of it but idk a lot about it/i’m not into it/something like that” but since one or two of their irls like it, now they’re going as far to buy kaito merch and they might cosplay him??? what the actual fuck

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i’m still growing out my hair but i haven’d had llong hair since i realized i was trans (almost 7 years ago) and i’m scared that i’m gonna get really dysphoric about it . but i don’t want to keep short hair bc i also have piercings and a big nose and so the short hair + piercings + nose combo makes people go “ugly girl” instead of “someone trying to look masc”

idk what i’ll do to make it look more masc yet. maybe i’ll get an undercut?

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i hate food

i hate eating

i hate my body

i hate my mind

i envy everyone i know who gets to eat like a normal person and doesn’t gain weight

i envy everyone i know that hasn’t been tormented about their appearance their whole life

i envy everyone i know because they’re worthy of love and friendship and i’m not

i hate everyone

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if you’re commenting on my posts, i apologize for not responding, i’m not ignoring you, it’s just that tumblr for some reason won’t let me see the comments :c it will show that there’s one but when i go to look at it, it doesn’t show any

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god. i fucking despise having an appetite. i wish i could be someone that just forgets to eat. i think about food almost 24/7. i don’t want to eat anymore but sometimes it feels impossible to just not,, i hate the way my body looks so much. i’m so disgusted by my appearance, i feel like i’ll never get to look the way i want. i’ll never be skinny with smooth skin, i’ll always be mid-sized with stretch marks and cellulite. i wish i could get away with purging. i wish i was beautiful. i hate my body. i hate my mind. i hate my voice. i hate my personality (or lack thereof). i want to be small and skinny i want to be worthy of love and affection and patience and kindness and i’m not and i never will be. i want to starve

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the best part (aka literally the only decent part) about having a restrictive ed while still having a pretty big apetite is that… no one has any idea that i restrict my food intake!

i can go out to eat with family or friends and since i have a big apetite i can eat at least half my meal and then just restrict the rest of the day, but since i ate so much in front of them, they have no idea :3c

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i’m just barely losing weight ugh

i think i’m gonna try to fast today? i might have a drink with some calories or something later on though because i have work and i’m going for a walk (YAY!!!! excited) and i don’t want to feel dizzy or lightheaded!

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the fact that im approaching my 20’s is so fucking horrifying for one reason: GYNECOLOGIST

i did some research and it’s not absolutely mandatory that i go to one, just highly recommended, so no one can force me to, which is a relief but the idea is still so fucking terrifying and no one will hear me out on it.

every time i express my fear, all i’m met with is “but you have to they check for important stuff! it’s not so bad!” like omfg i get it, i know what they do is important and they don’t want to be invasive and make patients uncomfortable, but that doesn’t make me any less terrified of it. i don’t want to go and undress in front of strangers so they can put tools in me and cause me to be in pain. i’m iatrophobic as it is, going to a gynecologist or a doctor in general and just sitting in the waiting room would send me into a panic attack. i can’t handle it. i won’t do it until i’m ready or if i’m concerned about something and want it checked. i wish people wouldn’t dismiss my phobia, i know that going to the doctor is important but it causes me so much mental distress that it isn’t even worth it to me. i’m just really scared, i don’t want to see a gynecologist ever. even just thinking about it brings me to tears and i keep seeing meme-y posts about pap smears and i just want it to stop because it causes me to panic and i wish what traumatized me in the first place never happened, i wish i never went to that pediatrician, i wish i had competent doctors as a kid, because if i did then i wouldn’t be iatrophobic and i could go to the doctor and be normal about it

it’s so bad that i can’t even sit in the waiting rooms in dr’s offices or medical centers without starting to panic and i don’t know how to address this phobia. my parents won’t understand why i have it and will tell me to just get over it, so i can’t get therapy to recover from it right now.

last year when i was 18 my parents insurance called to get my updated info. i hope they don’t call again, i don’t want my parents to be reminded that i haven’t been to the doctor in like 5-6 years. i don’t want to go i’m scared

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i want a partner but then i remember im an unlovable freak that no one wants

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i hate trying to talk to people my fucking god

why does no one respond to me anymore

i kind of just wwnt to block everyone sometimes and have no one

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i just want to be masculine

i want to be a man

i want to be taller with broader shoulders and an adam’s apple, i want to naturally have a little more muscle tone, i want a deep voice, i want a flat chest and narrow hips, i want bigger hands, i want enough facial hair to shave off, i want to be a son, i want to be a nephew, i want to be a young man. i kind of want to die

i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i’m tired of the “young lady, young woman, ma’am, girl, girly,” god i feel like i could just fucking throw up hearing that