welcome to my tWISTED mind

Chao (they/them), 24, the autistic nick nelson fic writer i guess

[lesbiansforluigi]

[chaoortu]

years of fic writing for the source material to end like that. a year of analyzing the source material and stopping bc i can't analyze cheap montages. i should've stayed writing for dc and marvel at this point, oh my god. 719,148 words and it ended like that.

[chaoortu]

wow. a nothingburger.

[prickly-porcupine-memes]

Chag Pesach Sameach!

[themodernmaccabee]

Chag Pesach Sameach!

[chaoortu]

Whoopsie baby will be late on updating as I’m traveling !!!

[tlirsgender]

Being critical of your interests is sooooo fun when you have the critic gene & then you sound kind of insane to the average tv watcher when you're like "this is my favorite show, It's Racist" & then you try to clarify what you mean & get that [Speech (legendary) - FAILURE] "the racism is really interesting though"

[tlirsgender]

[Speech (legendary) - SUCCESS] I find the sociopolitical context of pulpy old sci-fi born circa the civil rights movement really fascinating to analyze especially when it was progressive for its time but still reveals the writers' unexamined biases in the subtext

[chaoortu]

hey chao, I noticed that you haven’t really posted anything here for a while (in a non creepy way) and you mentioned a few posts back that you’re having a rough month, so I just wanted to pop in here and ask if you’re okay? You totally don’t have to respond🫶we all miss you and hope that you’re doing okay

hey!! thank you v mucyh for the kind message i really appreciate it. yeah! i'm okay for the most part. work has just been insane at the moment (I have two jobs and am going through a pretty big work transition at my like 9-5 that's been a lot to deal with). and idk, i have always had for the most part, very nice people in my inbox, but ever since i posted my current disappointment abt the state of HS ending, i've gotten a couple of suicide baity or just generally mean anons. probably bots, i'm sure, but they still suck and make me paranoid. i'm trying to work on it bc i do miss this space and talking about hs and interacting with people. i also just feel like i don't have anything to contribute at the moment so i'm ;; idk! it's just a weird spot mentally for me, but i am okay!

[chaoortu]

ngl having an anti-suicide dog is the best. can't take my ass out bc no one else in the world is as tolerant with this animal as i am. nobody knows her isms like i do. i owe it to her to be in this world for the rest of her life

[cheaphalloweencostume]

“everyone is mad at me and they just won’t tell me” —> “no one has said anything about being mad at me and i haven’t done anything to warrant being mad at so if someone is silently fuming about me and not saying anything that’s their problem and actually quite weird of them and i can effortlessly move on with my life”

[enchantedbook]

"Under Milk Wood" by Emily Wood

[sobcat]

[bgm05]

new dom/sub dynamic has emerged: ragebaiter and fat dog

[ace-disgrace-on-the-case]

Isn’t it kind of fun how when your life sucks you just can’t talk about it with anyone

[ace-disgrace-on-the-case]

I’m serious though. When your life reaches a degree of suckage, you find yourself having to look elsewhere for anything at all to talk about. The things going on in your life are trauma dumping. Your past is probably also trauma dumping. So you have to get really weird about specific things or hope that others want to talk to you, because very quickly people are going to develop an aversion to you and the way your life sucks. Unless you just don’t talk about it

[ace-disgrace-on-the-case]

It’s socially isolating, which is dangerous—when you’re in this sort of situation, community is the difference between life and death, housing and homelessness.

I think the collective prioritization of comfort first is hurting people in a real and material sense

[kosmogrl]

[chaoortu]

disappointment + third act blues

info about why this last act of chapter six hasn't intrigued me and has kind of left me hitting a wall below the cut bc im paranoid.

so i think, generally speaking, because i as a writer often suck at writing the last act of a story, i notice it a LOT in other people's works and i fear i'm noticing it with hs (and also noticed it in solitaire but like she wrote that a long time ago i was kind of getting hopeful. which is on me, ig.)

but a lot of my disappointment comes from the fact that we spent what felt like the whole first half in a really interesting conflict with nick really struggling with his feelings and with change and that conflict was so toothy, and i spent what felt like MONTHS being like okay but when is david coming back. i know david is there. then we got david for all of 2-3 updates and i sat there fucking GOBSMACKED bc i felt like that was a severe underutilization of his character and a sibling dynamic that parallels charlie and tori's (and obviously olly too). and i would say my biggest like... critique with the webcomic is that nick and charlie are just on their own way more than they ought to be for two teenagers with various responsibilities and friendships. i'm sure everyone also knows at this point that i disliked how the way nick was treated during those pub chapters by the paris squad side of his friends group was essentially brushed to the side and never brought up at all? even though elle and tao were both unreasonably mean to their very obviously drunk friend who yes was being annoying but was also PLASTERED and everyone knew? it just left a bad taste in my mouth and now that we're in the sort of final stretch till april i'm just sort of like a) sad that the webcomic is ending right when it feels like, to me, alice oseman has *finally* found nick's voice, b) that some of the more minor conflicts previously established seem to be swept under the rug in favor of a "tidy" ending. c) the pacing has felt wonky since the pillowfort scene but that could be because i consume media a little too fast so that may just be a me problem. in general, it's just really hard to feel excited about the updates when everything is so saccharine. hooray, everyone is going to be happy and friends forever #theend. i don't dislike that heartstopper is meant to be lighter and fluffier, hell, i wouldn't write fanfics or post online if i disliked it. but to me, this ending doesn't feel quite earned and we have a few more updates left, and i'm hoping i'll be proved wrong and alice pulls a fast one on me and is like psych we're talking about important shit now. but i guess one of the downsides of having read something for so long and for an author to have written something for so long is that ending it is always going to be the hard part, and i empathize with that, but the part of me that really likes nick as a character is always going to feel a little wounded because it feels like it took till the very end of the series for him to finally have a real character arc outside of just being charlie's boyfriend. like wow im really sitting here teary eyed about it, which is embarrassing as fuck. but it's weird, you know? it's weird that i somehow managed to predict so many plot events for this book, it's weird i predicted some of the details of nick's parents' divorce. it's weird that i could guess alice's next plot moves with a shocking amount of accuracy and without even trying that hard and i really hate that i don't even look forward to the remainder of the updates because i have found these picky little threads and im just not confident alice will put them together. i understand that charlie's the main character of hs, but i really wanted nick, the deuteragonist, to have just a little bit more time and now i'm just like well if my skills in media analysis are correct, im not going to get that. so i will throw my silly little tantrum online and probably kick out a few more angsty nick fics to cope and then turn in my fandom card until the movie releases, because i know once the movie is out i'll want to be back to writing. i know my own brain and i am looking forward to the film bc if there's anything ive learned about being a show and webcomic enjoyer, it's that alice tends to correct the weaker points in the comic in the show and i'm hopeful the same will be true for the film.

[chaoortu]

"where's the update" i pray for y'all to read the room and the ao3 status page.

[spooksier]

now, i’ll turn forever

☆ shop | patreon | comics ☆