Hello! I hate to bother you, but I was reading though an ace post you were a part of and my best friend of 15+ years is ace. She has not told me but we of course follow each other on Tumblr and she revealed it a couple times. She and I are both like you 27-28 and I just want her to feel loved and accepted. How would you recommend I do so without calling attention to her? I want her to know she is safe.
I think people on tumblr misinterpret âsafetyâ as a matter of passive acceptance rather than deliberate action. Simply telling someone âyouâre valid and I support youâ is all well and good, but your actions and motivations need to actually be in support of that person.Â
When my sister shared an image on Facebook about being a LGBTQIA ally (complete with the ace flag!) I thought it was safe to come out to her, but she told me âwell, you just havenât met the right person yetâ, which is a giant square on the âshit not to say to acesâ bingo. So, for me, her intentions were good but she was not actually safe to talk to about an important part of my existence.
Safety means that you will fully accept her for who she is, not just because she is your friend but because you genuinely have no problem with asexual people. If you truly want to be an Ally then you need to familiarize yourself with the other As: asexuality and aromanticism. (And agender couldnât hurt either!)
There are a lot of ways to express your support for asexual and/or aromantic people without having to be direct, which risks outing your friend before she is ready. Here are some introductory pointers for accepting aro/aceness beyond reblogging ace flags and saying weâre âvalidâ:
Sexual behavior is not an inherent indicator of someoneâs morality, worth, or desirability. You donât âneedâ sex to be human, and nobody is entitled to have sex with someone else. People of any gender reserve the right to express their sexuality as they desire, even if the desire is zero.
Our culture has normalized sex without romance but only as something flippant and detached, yet also believes romance without sex is lesser or flawed. Aromantic and asexual people deserve to have their relationships respected without them being deemed insignificant or defective.
The sex-positive, anti-rape culture, and consent culture movements support asexuality. People have the right to express their sexuality, and that also means the right to say no. People are NEVER obligated to have sex, and that means NEVER. Even for their entire lives. People should not have to be constantly pressured to âtry for the right oneâ or that they are âmissing outâ.
Question your value of others in your own life and the hierarchies of your relationships; does your sexual or romantic attraction factor into how you value people? Be open to the idea that, for some people, the bonds they form outside of romantic and/or sexual contexts can be just as significant or even more so. People can have non-romantic and/or non-sexual partners and still be âmore than friendsâ.Â
Resist exclusionist rhetoric which recycles transphobic, transmisogynist, biphobic, panphobic, and homophobic arguments attempting to dictate who âreallyâ belongs in the community and whether or not someone is âoppressed enoughâ (gender presentation, different-gender relationships, âgold starâ sexuality, âthis orientation oppresses othersâ, dismissal as mental illness/hormone imbalance, etc.).Â
Asexuality has been pathologized in the DSM up until 2013. After pressure from asexual activists, the DSM-V added a short disclaimer about âself-identified asexualsâ but has otherwise preserved the entry for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. However, most sources on HSDD, including Planned Parenthood, do not mention asexuality whatsoever. This dehumanizes and further pathologizes asexual people as being broken, and that they can be âcuredâ with medical treatment. The gay, trans, and autistic communities endure similar dehumanization. Granting more representation and awareness of the asexual community can reduce the âpersonal stress and relationship difficultiesâ cited in the DSM by providing acceptance and understanding.Â
Asexual people of other marginalized identities exist and experience different obstacles based on disability, race, age, gender, and culture, including increased suicidal ideation and interpersonal issues. Asexual people are not all college-aged white Americans; consider which voices are being silenced by othersâ ignorance and be mindful of prejudice when learning about asexual struggles. Â
She will be safe if you make yourself a safe person to the outer asexual community. As far as tumblr, reblogging ace-inclusive posts is a start, but you need a genuine understanding of asexual people to be read as safe.Â