i can still feel you touching me

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺✧ 22 ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

[adicttive]

[wastedjackpot]

[charlotteiscrying]

i have 2 years sober this week. i moved across the world 3 months ago. been working in germany ! i’m a au pair, i take care of little kids now :) the kids i care for are 1, 6, 9, and 12. the boys are 1 and 12, the girls are 6 and 9. im moving again in a few weeks. to either czechia or australia. we will see ! i have entirely new hopes and dreams. i achieved what i wanted already. i proved to myself i can be happy and prosper alone. i lived alone for the past year. i made all my own $. paid all my own bills. my own rent. sold my car and bought a nicer car. then gave it to mom before i flew here. i quit vaping too !! i smoke weed every few days, and i try not to smoke alone. i’ve gained more weight, i think im 115lbs or 120lbs now, i love how i look. i made friends in a country where i don’t speak the language. i go out on my own and take the trains everywhere here. i learned to navigate all these cities without gps and without data on my phone. half the time my phone is dead and it just is what it is.

i’m trying to find a country i love where i want to settle down and have kids. i refuse to have kids in usa. it is so safe here in germany, yet there are other things that bother me, so further east i go.

thank you for reminding me who i am.

[identitty-dickruption]

the problem with "I need to criticise myself to prepare for other people criticising me" is that it fails to account for the possibilities that a) nobody will criticise you, or b) the people who do criticise you are not people you value the opinions of anyway. I know it feels like a good defence mechanism, but at the end of the day there is a high chance that you're just being mean to yourself for no reason. consider this

[identitty-dickruption]

suffering is not mandatory

[curingourhearts]

It's okay to explore something that you're not certain of that you'll enjoy. It's okay to try out a different clothing style, hairstyle, different interests, you name it. How can you ever know if it's not for you, if you never give yourself the chance to try it out.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

note to self: one day you won’t feel the need to escape your reality. you will want to be in it, to embrace it fully.

[charlotteiscrying]

n that day is gonna be so so soon :,)

[akindplace]

toastedbyeli

[anxeious]

[sunsbleeding]

I’m going to make a life that I’m excited to wake up for

[thehopefulquotes]

“The funny thing is when you start feeling happy alone, that’s when everyone decides to be with you.”

— Jim Carrey

[catchymemes]

[charlotteiscrying]

i’ll drive but you gotta dig

[charlotteiscrying]

you were just sitting there, 1000 miles away, making absolute bullshit fairytales up, solely tryna see if i’d believe you. i did. shits fucked up. you knew i’m psychotic, you knew i hallucinate, and you played with that. i was a game to you.

when all your lies and bullshit got to be too much, when you realized “oh she rlly IS crazy,” when you realized “oh she’s rlly NOT gonna leave,” shit terrified you, and you left. shit disgusting you, prolly creeped you out. i never loved you, i thought i did, i was infatuated with you, and so, so, codependent. i’m sure the fentanyl had a role to play as well.

at least my dad found a way to say he’s proud of me thru you. at least you saved my life. thank you for those 2 things, that’s all the good you gave me.

[charlotteiscrying]

i didn’t have a dream we fucked, i had a dream i just laid in your arms and sobbed. what’s worse- that i woke up feeling relieved i at least got to feel some comfort in my sleep.

your heartbeat still sounds the same.

[pink-heart-writes]

i hope my absence gives you the peace my love apparently never could

- dee

[charlotteiscrying]

my healthy happy aunt who is 56 years old with absolutely no medical history died in her sleep yesterday. no heart attack, no stroke, she was laying there peacefully with the tv on and with her laptop plugged in. on thursday she just got hired for the job she’s wanted for decades. on friday she was went and drove 3 hours to go to her son’s first big concert he designed set up n scheduled himself.

the part that gets me is how she was laying, she had her hand tucked up under her chin, holding her chin up into place, but that’s what made her look so much more peaceful than i was expecting. it’s like she knew, she knew enough that she didn’t want her jaw hanging open when my grandma found her yesterday. she would have hated if her mouth had been open, i know that as a fact.

i’m very grateful i got to say goodbye, her son was 3 hrs away at college, his dad didn’t want to tell him over the phone so he drove up there last night to tell him. but her own son didn’t get to say goodbye.

the police told us that since it “looks” natural they’re not gonna do a toxicology or look into it at all. they released her over to us and we are getting a independent autopsy done.

i hope to God you had nothing to do with this. let me find out you did…

[getluckylana]

Nvm I’m going to become a billionaire myself

[1910-again-deactivated20180810]

Jaqueline Lamba, L´amour Fou 1944