Things to think about or try

Short stories/ideas every Friday forever Jam.Medallion.insert({"username":"CharltonFridays"});

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

How to Cure SAD part II (yeah there was a part I)

So yeah there was a part I - I wrote it one year ago, I have put the link at the bottom/end if you would like to read it. But SAD is a genuine seasonal disorder during the winter months, basically a lack of Sunlight leads to depression. The causes of SAD are uncertain, but I personally think it’s to do with a Vitamin D deficiency, which again comes from lack of Sunlight – the body can’t naturally produce it solo. So we have to work out how to make sure everyone gets enough Sunlight, and I think I have the answer, the second answer.

There’s not much Sun about in the winter months - techincally the Sun goes on holiday if you think about it - December, January, and Ferbruay being the worst. So here is how we can self-monitor and ensure everyone gets enough Sun (Vitamin D):

Christmas Mugs emmit a jolly tune everytime the bottom of the mug is exposed to light. In itself this is a great thing - my mug plays Jingle Bells, what does your Mug play? We will use this light reactive contraption and attach it to ourselves, preferrably on a festive hat – you can wear a Christmas hat if you like, one of the red and white ones that Father Christmas wears. As we walk around town or whatever, on our lunch breaks, the contraption will monitor our sun intake and ensure we get our allocated Vit D for the day. We will have to modify the contraption and make the following changes:

Make it so the contraption only reacts to SUNlight.

Play jingle bells all the while you are exposed to Sunlight yet still need more Sunlight

Play Flying Pickets version of “Only You” when you reach your required Sunlight for the day

Make the contraption solar powered of course – it makes sense

I’m not sure if Flying Pickets’ “Only You” is an ‘official’ Christmas song, but it should be - if it isn’t. If you watch the music video after reading this and you would like to grow your sideburns like the lead singer, then go for it they look pretty smart. I have put a link below, so there are now two links at the bottom.

So once we have this contraption sorted and attached to our festive/Christmas hats, we are good to go. Not only will this help prevent SAD and Vitamin D deficiency, but it will also spread Christmas joy; everyones festive hats will be going off playing Jingle Bells, or the Flying Pickets dependng on the stage of Sun exposure. In turn this Festive spread will also help battle SAD as everyone will take joy from the wondurous and plentiful festive tunes - what a great thing. This won’t really cater for people who don’t like Christmas - the ones that don’t like it for no good reason, some people call them bastards - but perhaps people who don’t like Christmas don’t want to be happy, so we shouldn’t worry about them.

On a seperate note, on the topic of the Sun going on holiday. I think he (the Sun) is a bit like a God and just likes to check on everyone in the world, possible to make sure they’re not too hot or too cold. And although he is on holiday, he never takes a day off. What a great guy.

http://charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry.tumblr.com/search/sad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgDKtLPp46s

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

How to Help Voodoo People

Voodoo/Jungle folk in Africa seem to still think eating random things, such as a Monkey’s eyeball, could cure cataracts, or even blindness. I think it would be hard to change their views on this, but we should help them in some way. The thought/taste of a Monkey’s eyeball can’t be that great, just look at the ordeal the celebrities on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here go through when they have to eat something gross. So we should help them, they’re humans too of course, and it seems the world doesn’t really care about Voodoo tribes anymore, so it’s about time we showed we cared. And it turns out there is a way these Voodoo people can get the ‘benefits’ of the Monkey’s eye without actually eating the eye, which I’m sure they could apply to eating other gross things. Here it is:

Bacteria can absorb DNA from dead organisms – like a sponge. Some bacteria can even extract DNA from prehistoric remains! What a great skill/special power – Voodoo people will love it. So all Voodoo people have to do is set bacteria down on the dead monkey’s eyeball with a loaded syringe – it has to be a dead monkey that died of natural causes - and then suck up the bacteria with the syringe and consume, or inject to get immediate/intense ‘benefits’. This would save them having to eat the eyeball, which can't be pleasant. This would solve gagging issues for the Voodoo tribes, and help bring them further into the First World. They would also learn about bacteria and science, so really a great thing to be taught. And most importantly, would show the world is thinking of them.

Someone would have to be sent out to the jungle to teach the Voodoo people and help them avoid eating gross things. Some Voodoo tribes like to eat people, so we would have to send someone that looks unappetizing. Obviously no chunks should be sent as they wouldn’t last a second, but they would provide well for the Voodoo tribe. I think we would have to send a really hairy yet skinny man so they wouldn't eat him - not worth it because of the lack of meat, and unappetizing because of all the hair. Naturally this person will have to be black as white skin would only be a novelty to the Voodoo tribe – bit like a white chocolate Lion Bar to English people, everybody is intrigued and will probably give them a go - and encourage cannibalism.

So the next question; do we go for a tall thin black man 'Curly Whirly' or a very small black man 'Fredo' - the very small black man, although potentially the same weight as the standard height ‘Curly Whirly’, will look chunkier as he is more condensed, thus more appetising, so probably best to go for the ‘Curly Whirly’ option. If you’re unsure about this, go to TESCO and buy a Curly Whirly and a Fredo, put them side to side and you’ll see. Or get and image of Gary Coleman ( Fredo – “whatcha talkin bout willis”) and compare to Snoop Dog (Curly Whirly).

So as not to appear racist, here are some chocolate names for different sized white people:

Tall White Person = White Flake

Very Small White Person = Half of a special edition White KitKat Chunky

Chunky White Person = Two White KitKat Chunkys melted/congealed side by side

White Twins = White Chocolate Twix (Special Edition) – of course

So this will be great; Voodoo people will no longer have to endure eating Monkey’s eyeballs, Pig’s actual balls, etc. They can merely extract the DNA in a fun and clean way. And then inject the DNA for immediate ‘benefit’. This will make the Voodoo people so much happier. They will be happy in knowledge that the world does care about them. And be scientifically clued up when it comes to bacteria.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

How Tickling Can Improve Your Life

I have been tickled before, and I’m sure everyone else has. It’s not always that funny, but we always laugh. But why do we laugh when we are tickled? We should really know why we laugh. I would like to try and explain why, and also demonstrate how we can use this knowledge to our advantage.

Recent research states that our laughter while being tickled is a submissive response, if tickled in a sensitive area, such as our feet, our bodies immediately see this tickling as some sort of threat, a potential for DANGER and pain. It’s a bit like when a hedgehog rolls itself into a ball, its brain senses DANGER and does something about it - I bet if you even tried tickling a tame hedgehog it would most certainly roll into a submissive ball. Also, when you try tickling yoursaelf your brain knows it is in no danger, so basically you can’t make yourself submit. I think you also can’t drown yourself because of your bodies inbuilt survival instincts, so bodies, what a great thing.

Anyway, I think when looking at these facts, we can see that self defence instructors, or karate men, have got it all wrong. There is no need to learn all these dynamic self-defence moves. All people need to learn is how to tickle. If you are getting mugged, don’t try and out strength the perpetrator, just start tickling them. Their brains will automatically go into submission mode, and once tickled out they will effectively cower into a ball and feel inferior to your supreme tickling ability.

The same goes for intimidating people. Some people you come across at work or in meetings can be intimidating, and your mannerisms adapt and convey submissiveness to them, which is often beyond your control. With tickling you can take this power back. Let’s say you’re at a serious meeting and an intimidating person is sitting next to you giving it some, to everyone, depending on your reach, start tickling them somewhere – back of neck, armpits, or thighs. Try not to be weird about it, and when they do look at you, and they probably will, physically illustrate a nonchalant stance and be cool about it. With the tickling and your nonchalant stance, their bodies will go into full on submission mode. If they do put up a fight tickle them even more in a variety of locations. Make goofy noises at them as you tickle. If two of you are tickling in the meeting, even better - a team of nonchalant ticklers is hard to concur, even for the most intimidating people.

So tickling in a way is a human weakness - our bodies overreact and cower when really there is no real DANGER. But we can use this to our advantage in intimidating and dangerous situations. Effectively deterring and conquering actually DANGER with the DANGER masquerade that is tickling.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Angel Delight Cows

I think Angel Delight is about to hit the mainstream again. It was all the rage in the late 90’s, and generally many things from the 90’s are now being emulated by modern day culture. Music for example, indie bands now sound like Blur, Ride, or Stone Roses. Cassettes are even coming back into use from bands such as MGMT. Fashion is a bit Ravey like the 90’s – all these tie die t-shirts etc - soon everyone will be wearing baggy Joe Bloggs jumpers.  90’s foods such as Angel Delight are yet to make a comeback into current culture, but only a matter of time before they do. And if you want to be cool and get there before everybody else, and then resent them all when they finally catch up, here’s how you do it:

Buy a cow and put it in your field; you can get one for about £50. Instead of feeding the cow grass, feed it Angel Delight dust and cress. You will need to grow a field of cress to do this – cow’s love cress. I think grass is far too coarse for cows; they chew grass once, the grass then goes to the biggest stomach (the rumen), then it travels to the second stomach (the reticulum), and then transported back down into the mouth of the cow to be chewed further, then back up to the third stomach (the omasum). This must be well annoying for cows - regurgitating while trying to eat - so cress being delicate and easily digestible, would not require a return journey to the mouth, which will save the cow energy and regurgitation hassle.  

So once the Cows have eaten the Angel Delight dusted cress, the nutrients of the cress will eventually form milk and congeal with the secret ingredient of Angel Delight, and settle above the cow’s udders, ready for dispersal. Then you just walk up to your cow with a glass, put the glass under the cow’s udder and start pumping away. The cow has multiple udders so you can do more than one glass at a time.

This cow would be a great feature at parties and gatherings. Perhaps you could rent your cow out for functions when Angel Delight becomes BIG again and is in demand. Everybody at these functions would have to be taught how to milk a cow safely so as not to harm the cow. And generally be pleasant to the cow while it was in attendance.

So if you want to get their first, go buy yourself a cow and grow a field of cress, and obviously buy some packets of Angel Delight. It’s cool to be the first to do things so I would definitely suggest giving this a go.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Get onboard the Magic School Bus

Our bodies are a great thing. They work hard, and really are pretty good at getting us about. If anybody has seen the ‘Magic School Bus’ you would understand what kind of wild and dynamic things our bodies achieve. But sometimes I think we must annoy our bodies, because we pledge against goodwill acts such as sweating when we wipe the sweat away from our faces, or even block sweat with anti-perspirant, when our bodies are just trying to cool us down. Things like this must really annoy our bodies, or completely confuse them; so really, we need to start working together with our bodies, rather than against.

If the Magic School Bus is correct, then our bodies are made up of individual teams all working together as a whole. Fighting off intruders and helping us function in everyday life. I think those who haven’t seen the Magic School Bus don’t realise how great our bodies are. The new generation probably wouldn’t even want to watch it now because of its dated appearance – it’s not cool anymore. So we should actually physically shrink a real school bus full of kids and put them in someone’s body, so they can witness the wonders.

The best way to shrink something is to put it in the washing machine at too high a temperature. Generally cold things contract, and hot things expand, so when you wash a cold jumper, as it heats up to 50’C it expands, then as you leave it to dry/cool down it contracts, but a negative contract which leaves your jumper smaller than it originally was. So, we need to fuse the biological make-up of these school kids with woolly jumpers, and also put the qualities of the woolly jumper into the make-up of the school bus. The best way to do this is to feed the kids woolly jumpers for three weeks, three weeks before the shrinkage. They could eat a jumper per day for school lunch. Cheap clothes shrink the best, so they would only eat jumpers from Primark – which would keep costs down. The best way to get the school bus ready for shrinkage is to dip the bus into an old forge filled with acid and woolly jumpers. The acid should fuse with the woolly jumpers – from Primark – and imprint the woolly jumpers’ shrinking qualities into and onto the school bus, thus making the standard school bus a Magic School Bus. This should work as long as we get the intensity of the acid correct – we wouldn’t want to dissolve the bus. Several dips will be needed for the bus, much like several Primark jumpers will need to be eaten by the school kids.

Once three weeks of dipping the bus and eating jumpers passes, the kids and bus are ready to be shrunk. We will get the kids onboard the bus, and lower the bus into the old forge, or new forge, which will be filled with 50’C water. Naturally the kids will have to hold their breath for a little while, and cope with the heat of the water – Dubai’s seas can reach temperatures approaching 50’C so they should be OK. We will keep them dipped for two minutes, and then bring them out to dry/shrink. We will repeat this as many times as needed until they are small enough to ride around someone’s body in the Magic School Bus. Once small enough, we will put them in the ear of one of their teachers – this is how the Magic School Bus entered on the TV programme. And of course another teacher will also be shrunk as we would need someone responsible to take care of the kids on the bus.

Once in the body, the kids will witness the wonders of our bodies, but also see that our body is almost made up of little ants, working hard, as a team to keep us functioning and healthy. Some people keep ants as pets, so I think kids should identify with our body’s ants. With this identification, they will learn respect for our body ants, and thus the body. After exiting the body, and going back to normal size, they shall be courteous enough to consider the hard work put in to the simple things our bodies do. For example, before they go to wipe away sweat from their foreheads, they may remember how hard the ants have worked to produce the sweat, and knowing that more sweat will be produced to replace the sweat they wiped away – which is a waste – they may well leave the sweat on their foreheads, happy in the knowledge that they are helping our body’s ants help us – everyone is a winner.

Respectful acts such as these – which will be achieved through identification and knowledge of the body – will make our bodies happier and less overworked (no wastage); because we are working in unity with them, because we understand them. Also, I think our bodies punish us if we disregard its efforts to help us. They probably punish us for our careless swipes away of sweat with things such as a strange rash in a strange place, an ingrown toenail, hair on your back, or giving a girl a moustache. If we stop betraying our bodies they might stop revenging these acts of betrayal, and stop inflicting itchy grief etc upon us. But also, we will make our bodies happy, which in turn will make us happy.

Super tip: Eat plenty of eggs and get plenty of sun – our bodies love Vitamin D, and they will probably reward us with things such as forward growing toenails, and luxurious hair in the right places.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Taking Things For Granted - Solved

People take things for granted all the time, in England, such as a seemingly unlimited supply of drinking water, or the ability to use an arm, hand, and fingers to dunk a kit-kat chunky into a cup of tea and then use it as a straw. It’s the same with scenery, when you go skiing or anywhere scenic, the first few sights of the surroundings are distinguished and important, but after a fair few sightings, we just get used to the sights, and perhaps don’t appreciate them as much as we should – we take them for granted. Something needs to be done about this, and I think I know what.

Many say the sweet doesn’t taste/feel as good if there is no bitter, this is a simple analogy, but I will explain it with another; when you really need to pee, or you’re really thirsty, and there are no toilets for hours/miles, and no possibility of a drink, you will appreciate your next pee/drink so much more than a standard pee/drink, because you have endured the bitterness that is badly needing a pee/drink.

So to conquer the problem of taking things for granted – not just everyday things, but even special occasions – and to fully appreciate what we have, we need to introduce a bitter. Let’s talk about arms:

Some people don’t have arms, and therefore, they can’t do simple things like the majority of humans - who do have arms. I can’t ever remember waking up and thinking, wow I’m glad I have arms. But they’re really quite useful, we use them to do everything – how do you clean your teeth without arms – you’d probably need ridiculously strong neck muscles, and be prepared to get dizzy each time you brushed - messy. You probably wouldn’t be able to dunk and ‘straw’ a Kit-Kat Chunky into a tea, and if you really wanted to punch someone, you would probably have to head butt them instead.

So I propose a “No Use Of Arms Day”; so for one day a month, you can’t use your arms - for the whole day.  This may cause some problems, but on the whole, a good solid idea. Here are some problems and how to deal with them:

1. Trips and Falls: If you trip and you are falling, you will just have to tuck your arms in a fall like a tree – even if it’s down some stairs.

2. Swimming: try to avoid the deep end

3. Kit-Kat Chunky + Tea: Kit-Kat Chunky dunking/’strawing’ is generally a no go, but if you really want to give it a go, use a standard two fingered Kit-Kat – four fingers may prove too much.

4. Pressing buttons: Use your nose for small buttons, if it’s a really big button use the top of your head.

5. Showering: Get the bottle of shower gel in your mouth, go to the shower and squeeze the bottle – with your mouth – and spray the shower gel generously covering one of the shower walls. Now turn the shower on – with your nose or head (depending on size of the button) - get a bit wet, and then start to gyrate in slow motion up against the wall, making sure to make contact with the wall/shower gel with all parts of your body. Do this for a few minutes until completely covered, and then rinse.  To dry yourself, lay your towel out on the floor – carpet ideal – and start to roll back and forth over the towel, like a log, until you are dry.

So here are just five points to help you on the advent of ‘No Use Of Arms Day’. I really think this will help people appreciate their arms, making them realise how useful and dynamic their arms really are. Naturally, the day after ‘No Use Of Arms Day’ will be the day that most think about how great their arms are, and as the weeks go on they will probably begin to take them for granted again. But if we do this once a month, at least we will be appreciating our arms on a monthly basis. Once ‘No Use Of Arms Day’ has been mastered, we can move on to either other body parts – even hair (lack of, or too much), and also move onto things such as drinking water, milk, and other such luxuries.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Mars Bars: Making The World a Better Place

I often go swimming and find it quite annoying when you have slow people in the lanes. Yeah initially it’s satisfying to overtake them, but this gets old, and they just end up in your way. The most annoying moment is when you get to the end just after them, after overtaking them on a variety of ‘lane positions’ previously - so they know you’re faster than them - yet they don’t stop to let you go past easily. They bloody dawdle off ahead and force you to overtake them again – the bastards. I would liken this to those old people who cross the road, the ones that see you are driving towards their direction, in your car, and take a quick look at you, then turn their heads a full 90 degrees in the opposite direction, and begin their slow nonchalant march across the road, forcing you to slow down. They are also bastards, but I think it’s quite funny when old people do this - it’s an endearing quality.

But some of these swimming dawdlers probably don’t even realise they’re in your way, which is frustrating, but I wouldn’t say annoying - because they are innocent.  But for the nonchalant ones that take pleasure in getting in your way, something needs to be done. People might say they’re being difficult because of some emotional problem, ultimately in this instance relating back to their initial physical ability. But I think people have got this all wrong. These people just want a Mars Bar or something. Instead of dealing with nonchalant peoples’ ill favoured emotions with calmness, respect, or even psychotherapy, just give them a bloody Mars Bars, or a pack of Magic Stars. If anyone has good/innocent favoured emotions, then it’s OK to be nice to them, probably be a bit mean to just give them a Mars Bar.

Presenting the ill favoured with a Mars Bar will sort them out; basically everyone loves food, it’s probably the thing that humans look forward to the most – on a daily basis. After giving them the Mars Bar, they will realise that you’re actually a nice person, and that maybe they should stop blocking you in the pool. I think these people who inflict anguish onto others assume that everyone else has something against them; really they’re probably alright as people, so I think they can be altered.

The best way to give them the Mars Bar is right there in the pool, as it doesn’t work if you give them the Mars Bar after the swimming. So when swimming, always carry a Mars Bar on you – store it in your swimming socks. If you can, and when appropriate, slip the Mars Bar into their hand in relay fashion – like passing a baton in a race. So, as you are overtaking them, pass the Mars Bar to one of their outstretch hands. Initially they will be surprised, but when they realise that you have presented them with a Mars Bar, they’ll be really happy. OR they might feel really weird about the whole thing, and leave the pool in fear – so a win win situation for you personally.

This rule may be applied to other such situations, here are three:

1.       People that walk under a ledge, in the rain, with a massive umbrella

2.       People that chase pigeons

3.       People that stand too close to you in a queue – just turn around and give them a Mars Bar.

There are many more situations like the above, where the Mars Bar presentation will prove effective in subduing initial ill favoured emotions, so do feel free to dish out the Mars Bars whenever you feel it’s necessary. Not only will this boost sales in Mars Bars, and Magic Stars – the whole Mars umbrella really - but it will also boost good natured exchanges between people.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Winkers

I think winking needs to be sorted out. I was in McDonalds the other day, and I ordered two double cheeseburgers, there was a bit of a wait, so I waited. After a couple of minutes, the ‘chef’ slid my two cheeseburgers down the McDonalds burger chute towards the man serving. As he slid, he gave the serving man a wink, but not just a subtle indiscreet wink, it was a full on IN-YOUR-FACE wink. Naturally, with the unshakable urban myth of secreted faeces in burgers implanted in my mind, I felt quite uneasy about the ‘chef’s’ wink.  I think, and hope, that this wink was in no way related to faeces in my burgers. If this is the case, then generally great, but I think people should be educated on when and where they can wink - currently winking is rife and wild.

Actually, thinking about it, we should just ban winking altogether. I know some special people can’t wink anyway – they can only blink – but for the normals, we should ban it. Winking just isn’t cool anymore, if someone winks at you it’s either creepy, cringy, or CHEESY - which in turn is creepy or cringy (the three C’s all interconnected). I have never practiced winking – I can wink, I mean practiced like a practicing Jew, trying to be a Jew – and I don’t really know any winkers. Winkers are often outsiders who you don’t really know, typically in their 40’s, and see themselves as a bit cheeky. Perhaps a cheeky chappy. They say something that’s meant to be funny, and then wink at you. But they say this ‘funny’ comment in such an overly hyped whimsical tone that you know they are joking before they have even finished their ‘funny’ comment. So really there is no need for winking. Sometimes they nudge you too – which is quite intrusive.

These winkers need to DO ONE. And something needs to be done.

As we can see above, we have two forms of winking which produce two forms of woe; badly timed winks which wreak worry and could cause someone to lose sleep (McDonalds), and common bothersome winking which could lead to the intrusion of personal space, and to accommodating laughter from the receiver - accommodating laughter that makes you feel dirty. 

So to ban something you need to enforce rules, and punishments. Here are a few things you can do if someone winks in your presence, but not directly at you:

Question the wink and make things awkward

Expressively point at the winker’s eye, but only when the winker isn’t looking at you – they will notice

And here are some punishments if someone winks directly at you

Spray a Capri Sun – orange and mango - into the eye they used to wink at you.

Don’t laugh at what preceded and endorsed the wink, even if it’s funny.

Start blinking at them, as you perform each blink force your neck/head forward to get your point across – like a chicken does

So, with these punishments in hand, winkers will soon start to experience strange happenings every time they wink. On a conscious level, they probably won’t connect these punishments with their winking activities, but the mind is quite clever, and the sub-conscious will realise this relationship between winking and punishment. Over time, winkers will naturally stop winking, because of the wary sub-consciousness. No longer will we feel aggravated by these silly and inconsiderate winkers.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

A Safe Place for Alcoholics

I’ve seen alcoholics about, some of them might be druggies, or both, but it seems many of them don’t really have anywhere to go. Also, they generally cause trouble on the streets. They’re probably not that happy, and almost certainly feel on the outside of what is by any means acceptable. So this is a problem, and should be solved. Nobody wants to see unhappy people, and nobody wants to be unhappy.

I suggest turning a small town – let’s say Dover in Kent – into some sort on “drunk camp”, which actually sounds quite fun. This “drunk camp” will essentially be a giant bubble - much like the bubble Jake Gyllenhaal has in the film Bubble Boy, but on a massive scale. We will put all the alcoholics in this town sized bubble where they will live.

Now, every town needs some water frontage, or water feature – they make people feel relaxed. And alcoholics obviously need alcohol. I suggest we put water, sugar, and yeast into fake lakes – fake lakes that seem really real – which combined produce ethanol (alcohol). Of course this needs to be in an air tight environment – in order to produce decent alcohol - but alcoholics can’t survive without oxygen. So, we will need to cover the lakes with some sort of invisible sealant, such as cling film, and allow for oxygen in the rest of the bubble. Important we use invisible sealant so the alcoholics can benefit from the aquatic feel of the place. Tubes will penetrate the cling film at central points of the fake lakes, and carry fumes from the fake lakes to “hot spots” around the “drunk camp”. These “hot spots” shall be aesthetically agreeable areas where alcoholics can congregate and get off on the alcohol fumes, while admiring the pleasurably aquatic feel of the place.

Dole money will be used to fund the upkeep of this “drunk camp”, and also pay for all the food/drink that would be transported into the camp. To get admittance a drunk person just needs to sign off their dole money to the government, which as mentioned, is poured back into providing for the bubble.

This will work because the alcoholics will feel as one, they won’t feel looked down upon or bitter towards others because they’re all in the same bubble – everyone will be an alcoholic. And the normal streets shall be cleared of these drunken unhappy people that cause trouble. No pigeons will be allowed in the “drunk camp” because alcoholics never seem to get on with Pigeons. Actually no animals will be allowed in the “drunk camp” because pets aren’t alcoholics.

To be clear, this “drunk camp” is in no way like a concentration camp; it’s optional to enter – once you enter you can’t leave for nine months – and nobody will be killed by the government, but some people might die, or be killed. Technically the camp has been created to eliminate the tangible intolerant/resentful connection between alcoholics and normal people. I understand that this segregation may enhance this connection through “seclusion”, but as many would say: out of sight out of mind.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

How to train our hair to cut itself

I pulled a hair out the other day, and noticed that the hair had tied itself in a knot. I couldn't understand why that hair would want to do that to itself, or how – it was a really tight knot. So I thought I should pull out some more to see if they had also tied themselves in knots. I pulled out three more which were all fine – not in knots - so why had this one hair tied itself in a knot?

At first I thought it was trying to commit suicide, and tied himself in a knot to stop some sort of circulation. Maybe he didn’t like the shampoo I was using, or just didn’t like being on my head. But then I remembered that hairs don't have any form of circulation within them, and they are dead already - I think – so really tying himself in a knot would not kill him.

So I think this hair felt he was getting a bit too long, so tried to cut himself. Obviously he doesn't have scissors, so he must have thought he would weaken the hair at the point of the knot, and force a break or snap in the hair at this point. He probably works with the other hairs on my head to achieve this knot, much like the trees work together in the LOTR films.

But sadly, as I felt this knot, I decided to pull the whole hair out - to investigate - and killed the poor hair, when really he was just trying to make me look more presentable. I think you can kill a hair, even though it's already dead, because I suppose it hasn't actually been killed before. Zombies are dead but you can still kill them.

I think we can use our hairs’ teamwork to save us some money. We could train our hairs to cut themselves.

As noted previously, hairs have the ability to decide when it’s time for a cut – they tie themselves in knots – but I think we can train our hairs to work with us too – the brain – not just the other hairs. It’s like the trees in the LOTR films coming together to help the hobbits (brain). Hairs are quite easy to physically manipulate, so they’re probably quite easy to mentally manipulate – in a mental way. To do this we would show them teamwork films, such as LOTR and Bad Boys II. We could watch lots of team sports. Look at tangled wires for a few minutes at least twice a week. And at the end of each day, stare at your ideal hair cut/style.

Hopefully once our hairs have got the message, they would start to tie each other in knots, and work to achieve our ideal hairstyle. This would save us loads of money each year – we wouldn’t have to go to the hairdressers. Also, hairdressers, they rarely do your hair how you want it - your hair knows you a lot better than your hairdresser, so they would probably get it right.

From now on, if you notice a knot in your hair, just cut your hair at the point of the knot so you don't kill/upset your hair. This is helping the hair out. You might as well give this a go. Frizzy hair is harder to tame then standard hair, so you will probably struggle to break the mental barrier. Also, if you’re ginger and you think you might be able to train your hair to turn blonde, guess again. I don’t think hair can do this. Even if you just have ginger sideburns, you just have to except that you will always have ginger sideburns.

LOTR stands for Lord Of The Rings.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Colonel Sanders is a Cannibalistic Sadomasochist

I was walking in Folkestone the other day and noticed a pigeon eating some KFC on the pavement. The pigeon was eating in the standard trademark fashion – rushed and anxious - jerking all over the place. I sometimes wonder how a pigeon would eat something if no one else was around; I think they would be quite civilised about it, probably more of a gentle nod, none of this jerking. I found this quite disturbing – the pigeon eating KFC - because it’s almost cannibalism; it’s like a white person eating a Hungarian. You could say KFC are being pretty reckless, and that they need to sort themselves out. I think KFC need to hire a ‘Pigeon Detective’ and put an end to this bird on bird action.

This ‘Pigeon Detective’ would patrol and monitor pigeon activity within a 100 meter radius of the KFC they are assigned too. They will watch the pigeons and make sure none of them perform cannibalism. This means they will have to follow KFC’s ‘take awayers’ and street eaters to make sure they don’t drop any chicken – chips are fine. Anything biodegradable that isn’t chicken is fine really. If someone does drop a bit of chicken – scraps – then the ‘Pigeon Detective’ will turn on his/her siren and zone in on the exposed chicken. They need a siren because it doesn’t take long for a pigeon to spot exposed chicken; KFC is quite pungent, and pigeons have a great sense of smell, so time is of the essence. Obviously the ‘Pigeon Detective’ will bag and dispose of the exposed chicken.

The siren will be a Pigeon Detectives song called “Take Her Back” because it’s a good solid ‘indie’ song, and sounds like it should be a theme tune to something. The Pigeon Detectives are a band, so the actual ‘Pigeon Detective’ won’t have to write and record a song. If you would like to listen to the song, I have posted it at the bottom.

Some might say maybe it’s OK for a Pigeon to eat a chicken, well, they would probably be wrong. KFC mask their chicken with breadcrumbs, pigeons love breadcrumbs and are blinded by breadcrumb lust, which makes you wonder why KFC introduced breadcrumbs to the chicken? Maybe Colonel Sanders was some kind of cannibalistic Pigeon sadist, and enjoyed watching the Pigeon eat a chicken. Maybe he is a masochist; his name, identity, and ego is embodied by KFC chicken, when a pigeon eats KFC chicken, they are technically eating part of Colonel Sanders. Yeah, if we look at it from a masochistic perspective, Colonel Saunders is definitely a masochist, probably a cannibalistic sadomasochist all in all.

And if a pigeon saw a dead chicken, with no breadcrumb coating, I don’t think they would even consider eating it. If anything they would maybe take some of the chicken’s feathers to put in their nest, which is like a human buying some shoes from a charity shop – acceptable.

Well this would be great. I’m sure now Colonel Sanders is dead – he must be, KFC’s been about for ages and he stared off old – each KFC would take on a ‘Pigeon Detective’. This will not only raise employment percentages, it will also decrease Pigeon cannibalism. It’s a win win. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuyNnm0lwBw

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

How to view past images using only your mind and eyelids

I was in a club in Tunbridge wells the other day, and I think one man got bottled - he was lying on the floor holding his head, and there was blood – he probably did get bottled. For a while nobody knew what was going on, the music had stopped and people starting singing, but after five to ten minutes, we saw this guy on the floor, and people stopped singing. He was alright; read he was discharged from hospital the next morning.

This is relevant:

Sometimes when I close my eyes after a night out, I can still people’s faces – clearly – by looking at my eyelids. I think the consistent flashing of lights in nightclubs burns images onto your eyes, probably on your retinas. And when you close your eyes, your mind works to make sense of these imprinted images, and re-plays the nightclub environment on the inside of your eyelids - this is what is currently familiar to your mind. Sometimes I can still see things - when I close my eyes - in other situations too; once I was sitting on a grassy hill by the road in the summer – sunny day – I saw an ambulance go by with its sirens on. I then rested the back of my head on the grass and closed my eyes, and then I saw the ambulance go by again, but in my mind. Actually not in my mind, I would say on my eyelids. I don’t think my mind is creating the images; it is just processing the images.

Had the police been aware of this ability that night in Tunbridge Wells, they could have come to me as I was ready to sleep, and then took notes as I closed my eyes and re-lived the night, explaining what I was seeing. I could’ve spotted the culprits of this attack and helped the police indentify.

I think everyone has this ability to see things on their eyelids. Let’s take ghosts for instance; a fair amount of people say they have seen a ghost. If you think about it you probably know at least three people that claim to have seen a ghost. But ghosts don’t exist – how could they!!!?? – people are actually mental. Believing in ghosts is an individual’s subconscious attack on enlightenment; they may not believe in Religion – because they’re not silly – but they trick themselves into believing in ghosts. This trick happens because of the mind. The mind is a massive editing tool; do you ever notice yourself blink? The answer is no, you only notice yourself blink if you consciously think about the blinks – try not to do this though as blinking is well annoying (when you notice each blink!).

So the mind edits things out, but it also tries to make sense of things.

So my mind makes sense of the images I see when I close my eyes – which are past images, made from lights, movment etc, and imprinted/stored onto my retinas. Just as the mind makes sense of shadows, different shades of lighting, and the movement of objects such as curtains, bushes etc. So people don’t see ghosts, their mind constructs a ghost as it tries to makes sense of what your eyes see. The reason people see a ghost, not a hippo or a giraffe, is because eyes see and pay the most attention to people, whether it be on TV or in real life, people are always within vision or on the mind, so probably one of the first things the mind turns to when  trying to make sense of something.

Once people realise the ability of their eyes and mind, nightclub attacks could become a thing of the past. If there was an attack, police would get together a sample group of people in the club, that were present prior to and during the attack. They would take them into a special dark room and ask them to close their eyes and look through their eyelids, and ask what they see. The people may notice something or someone looking suspicious, something they didn’t really think about before. The police could then show them a line-up of suspects, and ask each person in the sample group to point out the attackers.

I think this method is questionable, but worth a go. If it doesn’t work, at least people will learn a new ability (how to access their stored eyelid vision), and also learn that ghost don’t exist. Sometimes you don’t even need to close your eyes; just look at a wall in a dark room and you can sometimes still see people or ambulances. I think if you went to the zoo one day, and then went home to bed, and stared at a wall in a dark room, you would probably see your favourite animal on your wall.    

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Cat's are Racist

I was looking at my cat the other day, and she had her eyes closed and what looked like a smug grin on her face. I thought, she looks a bit Chinese, or Japanese – because of the eyes. Initially I just thought that’s what cats’ eyes are like. But then I wondered why she had a smug grin, and I think I know why. Cats are racist, and they think it’s really funny to imitate Chinese or Japanese people – I’m not entirely sure which nationality, maybe it’s both. This explains why they have a big smug grin on their face - they think nobody knows what they’re doing; well I’m on to them.

I think cats need to learn that racism is no longer acceptable in this day and age. Not that it was ever acceptable really, but I don’t think you can get away with it now. Cats are trying to be clever, and to be fair, at least it’s not blatant. It’s subtle racism. Someone threw a banana at Gareth Bale the other day, because some people say he looks like a monkey. I’m not really sure if that’s racist, so I can only really say it’s some form of subtle racism. If we apply the six degrees of separation rule, plus some further delving, we would probably come up with a stone cold racist case, thus I would say its subtle racism.

So cats, they need to stop being racist, the bastards. The best way to teach cats the ways of a none-racist is to enforce some justice. So, we shall impose restrictions upon cats. Here are four:

Cats can only be stroked when their eyes are open, or closed in a none-racist fashion

No catnip for racist cats

Cats won’t be allowed to sit on sofas, feet, or laps, but dogs can

If a cat starts purring in a racist tone, you have to pick it up and move it to another room

So number four; I think purring is also a form of racism, I think cats are emulating the humming/droning sound of the planes that bombed Hiroshima. Only deep purring though; I think sometimes cats purr because they are happy, but if it sounds deep, they are probably being racist.

Hopefully cats will learn that racism is wrong through these four swift penalties. If you have a racist cat at home, and you yourself are not racist, you should probably impose these four rules. I guess it is quite funny that cats are racist, much like its funny when a young kid sticks their middle finger up at a policeman. But you have to think about that kids future, what will this seemingly innocent gesture of abuse develop into – probably prison. And cats, one day they might evolve and become massive – like tigers – and start eating all the Chinese and Japanese people – think of your cat’s future.

Also, as you can see from the above picture, some cats are born racist. But I think after what the Germans did, it's alright.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

The New Social Media

I think I have discovered the new social media. It takes things to a new physical level; it’s the next logical step on from twitter.

Basically, people will have LED displays in the back of their cars, which scroll a live message of what they’re up to or where they’re going. People in the other cars can see this message, and then decide to ‘follow’ them - like twitter - but actually follow them for real. I don’t think that’s stalking. So, if someone’s LED message reads “going to watch Jeremy Kyle”, people will probably follow because they also want to watch Jeremy Kyle, so they will ‘retweet’ the same message on their in car LED displays for everyone else to see, and start following the car with the original message. Others in turn may also follow, and then we would have a stream of followers. At the end they would all get out of their cars a go and watch Jeremy Kyle together, it would be lovely.

This could work wonders in the advertising world. McDonalds could place cars around towns, cars that drive in circuits and have the message “come to McDonalds”, they will circle around major towns and try to get as many ‘followers’ as possible, and then lead them to the nearest McDonalds. When in a strange town, I often wonder where the nearest McDonalds is - I think everyone does - this will be great. They will use electric cars - the atmosphere.

Also, the double cheeseburger, what an amazing thing. It’s bloody amazing. You just walk into a McDonalds, order, pay, and then get handed a double cheeseburger – it’s well convenient. Only takes two minutes (I timed it once). And although it’s not that good for you, once in a while it’s fine, and it’s important to get beef into your diet. Even if it has horse in it, horse must be pretty lean, so quite a healthy meat I would say.

When I was driving home from work the other day, I thought, “yeah, I would really love a biscuit right now” and I was quite looking forward to eating a biscuit when I got home. I could have shared this message – via my LED in car display – and if someone else also wanted a biscuit, they could have followed me home and I would’ve happily given them ONE biscuit.

McVitie’s make nice biscuits.

Anyway, this new form of social media actually is social, people will interact face-to-face, and share things. Also, the quality of messages will be better, people won’t say things like, “just went to Tesco” or “I’m tired, I’m going to bed”, because nobody will follow them, as the message is redundant and useless. Nobody cares if you’re tired, have been to Tesco, or just had a great swim at the gym you losers - I don’t know why people do this - but people will be interested if you say you are going for a swim, as they may join you – it’s pro-active, useful, and social. And if someone a bit weird follows you to the gym for a swim, just tell them to do one. The gym is a public place so you will probably be safe to do be this frank/rude.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

The upside-down booty shake: saving you from becoming an E-TARD, Bag Bitch, and Acid Freak

I saw a new dance move the other day, I’m not entirely sure what it’s called, but basically it’s an upside down booty shake. You can see the picture above, the lady is upside down, but as it is a still, you can’t see any shaking going on. However, if you follow the link below this paragraph, you will see the full video which includes the upside down booty shake at the end. It’s actually a music video from BROOKE CANDY – I would definitely say it is captivating, and I recommend watching the full video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHULK1M-P08

Anyway, this dance move got me thinking about blood. All the blood in the woman would’ve rushed to her head – I think this could be quiet dangerous as the perpetrator of the move could faint, and twist their neck. Although it looks quiet fun, and could make you feel warm and fuzzy – because of the blood to the head – so probably a good idea really, and a good solid dance move.

I think people could do this instead of taking drugs. It would give them a high – warm and fuzzy feeling – yet it would be free and not as dangerous. Yeah...not as dangerous, but still a little bit dangerous – could twist the neck, or faint and fall on something – but I think this danger would attract the drug users. Junkies love danger, especially free danger, so we could be on to a winner. You don’t have to be a junkie to qualify for the move, a casual drug taker could also supplement their “habit” with the move.

If people are really mental, they could do drugs while doing the the upside down booty shake. Double the fun, and double the danger. If they’re sensible they would probably try both – the upside down booty shake with drugs, and without drugs – and then decide what the better option is. So, if you do take drugs, or would like to, go and try both of these scenarios and see which one you like the most. Obviously the cheaper and safer option is drug free, but just see how it goes.

This could save drug users a lot of money, and potentially save their lives and minds from becoming deranged, deformed, and mental. Here are some terms for drug users:

Acid Freak, Bag Bitch, Dope Whore, E-TARD, Geek Monster.

If you don’t want to be called any of these you shouldn’t take drugs, but if you’re happy to be called any of the above, I guess you’re OK. They all sound negative, but if you see them as positives then just do whatever you want. Probably aim to be called an E-TARD because it is simple yet whimsical.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Thought vacation and our "DICEY" magnetism

I was sitting in my room the other day, and I thought “mmm, yeah, I’ll go and get some marshmallows”, because I remembered we had some downstairs. When I got downstairs I couldn’t remember why I went downstairs, so I thought about it for a bit, and then came back up to my room empty handed/headed. Then as soon as I sat back down I remembered about the bloody marshmallows. This was strange; surely our minds can retain this simple marshmallow desire? So I thought maybe our minds aren’t to blame for this ‘forgetfulness’ – I don’t think our minds have forgotten, I think our minds have been foiled by low magnetism. Although sometimes we can ‘re-remember’ ideas and thoughts in situations such as the marshmallow one, through pondering around with steps and thought. Other times we have to go back to the place where the idea came to us to remember, sometimes we just completely forget.

So it seems the only explanation for this ‘thought vacation’ is that memories and ideas float, drift, and even glide in and around us, as well as away from us. Which means wind, temperature, organisation of furniture etc can affect where our thoughts and memories lay, determining whether they travel with us, or drift and leave us. I think ideas stick to us like dust does to a magnet, however, if conditions are “DICEY” (Terence Stamp), the magnetism of us is not strong enough to keep the idea or thought, so thoughts becomes loose and go off on one, and we have to find them.

As everyone knows, we do attain a certain magnetism – sometimes we can make metal things stick to us –and every part of us is made up from elements, and some elements are magnetic. I think our thoughts contain magnetic elements, so depending on how strong our internal magnetic elements, our thoughts either stray or stay. So it makes sense that we ‘forget’ things when we’re tired because our magnetic force is weak.  Maybe if we ate more iron we would have stronger magnetism, and no matter what conditions, we would keep our ideas. People in windy towns must struggle to ‘remember’ anything.

If word gets out about this, things really could get “DICEY” (Terence Stamp). People could steal other peoples’ ideas with their own magnetism, or with the use of a giant man made magnet. I’ll explain: If a genius scientist/physicist/engineer comes up with the next BIG thing, such as the next new BIG technology - previous technologies include radio, telephone, television, internet and then that’s it really – honestly though, I don’t think anyone will ever think of the next BIG thing. It’s a bit like fashion and music, everything BIG and new has been done, now new things are just developments or variations, which is alright I think. Actually fashion probably does produce some truly new things. Anyway, if this genius person is on the cusp of glory, but feeling a bit tired, an evil scientist could use a big magnet to suck the genius’ ideas towards himself, and then walk in and amongst the area where the magnet pulled the stolen ideas to, and absorbed them. It will be like a girl spraying her perfume and another evil girl walking through the spray, stealing the scent - what a bitch.

If word does get out, try not to think of any really good ideas while you’re tired, as that’s when your ideas are most vulnerable. Maybe keep a shot of some drug in your pocket just in case this happens, so you can re-energise and retain your idea. Also, keep a couple of man-made magnets in every pocket you have, so to maximise and enhance your internal magnetism. Also, if you do forget something, your ideas are floating around somewhere, so retrace your steps and you might reabsorb your ideas. Do not use the Henry while thinking of ideas, and try to stay out of the wind.

[charltonsthingstothinkaboutortry]

Benefits Of The "Hushed Butthead Murmur"

I was walking around Canterbury High Street the other day, a load of old people were out for some reason. I noticed that the old men seemed to be making this weird noise, they seemed to be mumbling but with breath not words, like a murmur - it was really weird. It was a bit like Bevis’ laugh out of Bevis and Butthead, but not as loud, and they weren’t laughing. I think they must be a bit mental. I also think we can use this weird thing, actually, let’s give it a name. Let’s call it the “Hushed Butthead Murmur”. Anyway, we can use this HBM to warm things up, such as electric blankets.

Basically, vibrations and aggravations directed towards molecules of an object cause the objects’ molecules to rise in temperature. So, if you vibrate and aggravate the molecules in an electric blanket, the electric blanket will rise in temperature.

“Hushed Butthead Murmurs” cause massive vibrations – old men can use HBM to heat up their electric blanket, or cardigans. This process is quite simple really; we just channel the vibrations of the old man’s HBM to whatever they want warmer, like their cardigans. Ants love a good vibration and carry/conduct them well. We will place ten ants on an old man’s chest – where the HBM vibrations are at their most powerful – so the ants can absorb. When the HBM vibrations have been conducted by the ants, the ants will carry the vibration and deliver to certain strategic sections of the old man’s cardigan – to spread the heat. The ants will then settle and transfer the vibration direct to the points, thus warming the cardigan. If old men continually release these "Hushed Butthead Mummurs", they will continually keep their cardigans warm - as long as the ants can keep up.

Ants are the best because of their solid discipline – bit like the army – and they can be trusted. In return, the ants will feel nice and warm, we will also knit them little ant uniforms so they feel and look like a proper unit/army. Ants are also quite approachable, and they like being warm – it’s a win win.

This will save old men money – lower heating bills – as they will feel nice and warm, and have no need for central heating. Old men could also huddle together – like penguins - in extreme cold conditions and all produce “Hushed Butthead Murmurs”. This will lessen deaths in the winter months as old men will be warm and won’t die. Their wives will probably like them, more so than normal I think, because they’ll be warm like one of those oat bean bags you put in the microwave.