We watch a little girl about my daughterās age while her mom works. A real cute, sweet thing who only communicates by humming and smiling and waving. Precious beyond words and so, so gentle.
She has this odd quirk where if you tell herĀ āno,ā which has only happened about twice or three times in the month and a half weāve been watching her, she freezes and looks like youāve ripped her little heart out and stomped on it. We have since tried to avoid saying it because she looks so upset and scared.
Today we found out why and my heart is breaking.
When her mom dropped her off, the little girl saw our neighborās potted plant on the doorstep. She went over and ripped a leaf off, because sheās a child and doesnāt know better. Her mom told herĀ ānoā and hit her hands. The girl immediately lost her smile, became very reserved, and didnāt want to come in and play, where usually she bounds up the stairs to see her best friend (my daughter).
Later in the morning, I was watching as our little friend tried to take something out of my daughterās hands, so I told herĀ āno-noā in a gentle voice, just as I do to my daughter when sheās trying to take something. She jumped back and held her little hands, and looked absolutely terrified. I immediately knelt down to offer a hug and tell her sorry, but she flinched away from me and was scared to let me touch her. So I just talked to her soothingly and eventually put a hand on her arm and rubbed it softly, and she launched herself at my neck to hug me and demanded I hold her off-and-on throughout the rest of the time she was with us today.
This tiny child is afraid of getting her hands hit when she hears the wordĀ āno.ā It doesnāt leave bruises when her mom does it, it doesnāt even leave visible redness or marks, but it has absolutely left a mark on this tiny babyās mind.
How is a child supposed to know why theyāre not allowed to hit when you hit them? How is a child supposed to know why the person they go to for comfort is suddenly trying to make them uncomfortable and scared? How is fear and pain a teaching tool? And if itās not about hurting or scaring them, why do you have to hit them at all? Because they donāt like itā and why donāt they like it? Because their trust in you is being undermined, because theyāre afraid, because it hurts in their heart.
This little girl canāt even talk, but she hears one word and instantly freezes up and feels terror because the hands that are supposed to help and comfort and hold her suddenly turn into something scary, and she doesnāt understand why.
My husband and I had a good cry about it, but Iām still just sad, and mad. That sweet little thing who beams and hums and giggles when she sees us in the mornings, who runs up to my daughter and gives her little bunny kisses, who takes my finger and leads me around the house just because she wants me to hang out with herā¦
Donāt hit kids. Spanking, swatting, whatever you want to call itā a) itās been shown to actually increase problem behaviors, and b) itās wrong. Why do you have to put a hand on a child to teach them? If it hurts, thatās wrong- we donāt hurt people to get what we want. If it doesnāt hurt, then what are you doing it for?
And I guarantee you it does hurt, even if itās not physical. The look on that little girlās face is going to haunt me for a long, long time.
Discipline is the goal- teaching, not punishing. And hitting, no matter how soft, doesnāt teach. Rather, if it does, it teaches the wrong things.
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