On Finding the ONE... (an open letter to my single friends 25 years of age and beyond)
This remained a huge question mark hanging above my head until I met Erick. I was single for 7 years priorâŠbusying myself with advancing in my chosen field and helping my family outâŠrarely dating. Mind you, at the time I was already 28 years old and, well truth be told, I was in a little bit of a panic mode. Much as I wanted to take my time, I had to mind my biological clock and crazy as it sounds now, I was worried all the good options then would be married off soon.
Every so often, I would travel to my favorite escape, Baguio (via bus!), searching for myself and for lifeâs BIGGER meaning. I was restless. Career-wise, I have exhausted what I had wanted to achieve. My family reaped the benefits of my successes. But one huge chunk was amiss. I was alone, I FELT alone, and I had no one to share my successes with. Like I said, my family was there but it just didnât âfeelâ enough. I became way too restless some time after and lost a big part of my motivationâŠmostly where work was concerned. I kept looking for more everyday. Call it fate but while on a 3-week leave, Erick, a friend of my elder brotherâs (some 15 years back) reconnected with me. And that was the start of a very unlikely love story.
Fast forward 4 years (I am now 32 years young) and I am now a mum to an awesome 2-year old toddler, Eunice Padme, and wife to my best friend and dream-partner, Erick. There is nothing more I could ask for with this family Erick and I have built. And I owe that to an unlikely choice back in â08. Erick was nothing like the "juveniles"/"boys" I dated in the past (I had a few back in the day). I did not have any one type but I did prefer taller, lighter-toned and most of them (looking back now) were blue-blooded (blame my younger broâs influence on all things blue). Of course, intellect and humor were staples in my standards. Erick, on the other hand, was just a couple of inches taller than I (haha, yes we are vertically challenged, or atleast in our standards we are! :p), darker-toned and (can you believe it?) oozing with GREEN (unspeakable back in the day)! But boy did he woo me with his constant truthful e-mails (I still gush as I read them now), sincerity, straightforwardness, persistence and love for family. I was just blown away. Cliche as it may sound, he was different from any Iâve ever liked in the past. I remember being very confused during the entire courtship. There was a time I liked him but not enough to be in a relationship with him. I almost gave up but he wrote me an e-mail after I told him I just wanted to be friends and gave me a line up of reasons why we should continue getting to know each other and exploring our friendship. Suffice to say, his persistence, depth and flawless grammar (yes Iâm a sucker for the latter) and, let me say it again, sincerity and truthfulness got me thereafter. But all throughout our relationship, it was a struggle to depend on and follow someone, as I was self sufficient for 7 years prior. But boy oh boy am I glad now that God enlightened me and showed me many times over that Erick was the ONE. Our marriage has been anything but smooth sailing but despite the lows, blows and rough patches, we have always solidly chosen to stay together.
So let me end this note with lessons I have learned on finding the ONE:
1. Think long term.
You can potentially end up with whoever youâre dating right now. So make sure you choose carefully. Be careful not to overdo it though. Donât choose someone whoâs good only for right NOW. Rather, choose someone whoâd stick by you through your best and worst you. Someone who would embrace all of you NOW, and who promises to love you even as you evolve.
2. 8 dates before you strike out.
And I say 8 because by then I am sure that any doubts or confusion would have been cleared out. Even if itâs not someone youâd typically like, as long as thereâs a major trait you like in him and youâre not completely sold on giving up or striking him out, give it a shot and get to know the person well enough, see how the person responds to you on varying moods and circumstances. Look at how the person enhances and enriches your life. After 8 dates (more or less), make an informed and well thought of decision.
3. Choose someone who shares the same vision or merges his with yours.
Make sure that as you grow into the courtship or relationship, you make it a point to converse about each otherâs visions about marriage, kids, retirement, roles and responsibilities! Make sure these are clear on both ends before the I doâs.
4. Mind games are a NO-NO!
By this time youâre probably too old for them anyway. Plus, I donât know with you but Iâve always hated playing mind games mainly because I never win! :P Someone who seriously wants you would always want to be straightforward and clear, and would hate mind games just as much or even more than you do.
5. Donât seclude yourself.
Sometimes you donât realize you do this but you do! Especially when you drown yourself in work and realize that the only friends you spend time with are also the ones you work with. Not to say thatâs bad but you may be unknowingly limiting yourself and your circle by doing that. When I met Erickâs circle, I soon realized how many good men there are left (clap clap to Erickâs friends!). My social circle on the other hand was way too limited and saturated by the same circle I have at work which was a bad sign given how there were just very few viable options (taken pa!). You just really have to explore outside of your comfort zone. For example, joining organizations and charities, attending conventions, exploring referrals (from good friends who know you well enough to pair you with someone you can potentially mesh well with), even runningâŠwell, you know what I mean! Strike a conversation with a fellow runner while youâre out doing your rounds. There are loads of stuff/activities you can do, places you can go to, to broaden your circle! You just have to MAKE TIME because this is not just something that happens. Iâm sure you know that by now :)
6. Prepare yourself.
As you look for your life partner, you have to work on being the partner you aspire for. âPlaying around while you wait for the right one to come alongâ believe me, does YOU no good. And why (pray tell me) would God even give you so much as a glimpse of THE ONE if your actions are screaming âimmatureâ and ânot readyâ? No one is ever that lucky. Believe me.
I most definitely am not an expert on relationships, courtshipâŠnor am I on marriage. Iâm merely someone speaking from experience and sharing whatâs worked for me.
To date, I am happy and brimming with fulfillment as I speak and share about family life. I have a hardworking, thoughtful and loving spouse who always makes it a point to enrich and enhance both my and my liâl oneâs lives. I try to do the same for him everyday, too. I also feel both privileged and blessed to be given the chance to witness my toddlerâs every milestone as I am now a full time mom. I thank Erick for making me realize that family gets top spot (over career) and because he has worked so hard to make this set up possible. In return, I get to happily play the dutiful wife and support him in his endeavors. And although we live simply, we get to enjoy occasional family travels and have our needs (and even some wants) met! We have also helped our respective families. We have really been blessed! But I know that this blessing comes from thoughtfully and carefully choosing THE ONE I partner with in life.
I hope my insights have helped and somewhat inspired you.
Good luck and God speed on your own journey!
A happy mum and a much happier wife :)
