do you ever just @chaxs-ctrl - Tumblr Blog

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i went ahead and made my new tumblr blog. i won’t be deleting this blog, but i won’t be active on it any longer, and i’ll most likely just use it to reblog some other stuff onto my new blog, so it’s just for archiving.

i’m leaving this blog because people won’t leave me alone, and things aren’t as organized as i want them to be.

if you want my new blog, please dm me for it. i’ll probably be checking back on this blog within the week to check for messages. if you’re someone who hates me, don’t even bother trying. i’ll detect the bullshit instantly.

on the other hand, please don’t be shy to contact me, especially if we’re mutuals. i know we may never talk, but i enjoy seeing your posts everyday. maybe we can start a friendship.

dailytouya

#bnha

sorry for my massive shit of a vent dump yesterday, things are fine now for the most part. anons, thank you for having my back yesterday, i really appreciate you guys looking out for me, even if it seemed like i didn’t at the time.

gotta get through the swamp to reach the end, i guess

You see a wall in front of you and there is no other way around it then to face it. What are you going to do? - S.W

i understand that you’re trying to encourage me, but i haven’t felt a single shread of happiness or motivation all day. the only thing i want to do is just fucking die. this isn’t resolved today, it won’t be resolved tomorrow, and i don’t think anyone cares enough to notice or do anything about it.

i’m going to bed.

i'm not pinning that on you, i just don't want you to make the same mistake that i did. i accidentally pushed everyone away because they thought that i didn't care enough about them to have those heart-to-hearts with them, it hurts (2)

i think it’s too late for me to do that, too

it’s shitty for me to sit here on tumblr and talk about it instead of tryng to fix the problem but i can’t brng myself to just believe that all of this is just my brain tellng me mean things

i cant fucking stand it

maybe try telling those people about how you're feeling, i know you just said that it's too difficult for you but i truthfully think it's worth it, because i don't think those people deserve to have someone like you as a friend if they're not willing to change the way that they act towards you after they find out how they've been affecting you. that's another thing too, that disconnect and lack of communication could be off putting to them, i used to have that same problem (1/?)

i... i know, anon. you have a point. but i just wish that people would consider these things for me. i just wish someone would look out for me. i just... even though i want to desperately fix this road block, it’s far too big for me to even consider trying to overcome it and i’m just so, so tired. i don’t care anymore. i can’t help thinking that this is just... what a deserve. for being a shitty friend, or whatever. there’s always a reason that remains completely unspoken.

Saying that its all your fault is not good . You are a human. You are written to fuck up here and there but not everywhere. Sometimes its out of your reach that something happens and you cant judge yourself for that. Speaking of friends they almost all the time dont see the full picture of you. But if a friend doesnt even ask you what is wrong even once do they even count as one? If you have a problem dont bottle it up. And remember that someone will always love you even if you cant see em. -S.W

i know i’m human, and i don’t have to worry about people not being honest with me. i try my best to be the most decent human and friend i can be. often when i’m not, i’m told. somehow, still, it’s hard to wring a single decent and adult conversation out of some people. so i just keep reliving the same day of “oh. ok. i’m hurt because of this but i would be very, very mad at myself if i ever said anything about it so i’m just going to wallow in my doubt and sadness until it consumes me and makes me suicidal.”

i don’t know. i don’t expect people to go out of their way to make sure i’m okay, but i just miss the bond i used to have with some people. it just... it isn’t there anymore, and seeing them finding a love interest is just pouring salt in the wound. maybe i’m just jealous. i don’t know, but i hate it. i wish it would go away but i can’t make it go away.

i know bottling stuff up isn’t healthy for me. i hate doing it, i want to talk to people about these things but i just can’t bring myself to do it. there’s so many fears and repercussions that i have. i don’t want to overstep any boundaries. who am i to tell my friend that they’re making me upset over something fucking stupid and small? i’m just annoying.

post about your problems here if you wanted, maybe that other anon and I can give some advice

i feel so useless and unwanted by literally everyone

i’m surrounded by friends, but yet i’m incredibly lonely. all the while i see everyone else building bonds and relationships, while i’m never anyone’s first choice in anything. i keep seeing things change around and me all i ask for my friends to do is to just give me the closure i need to feel like i’m wanted, to feel like they wish to continue to keep me around. but i don’t get that anymore. nobody could be bothered to even tell me. my problems never have solutions to them, and if they did, they’re just dropped within the day or two that it was mentioned. it’s apparent that people don’t really seem to acknowledge or care about my feelings. but it’s nobody’s responsibility to keep track of me. nobody is obligated to do these things for me. it’s too much to ask, so i tend to not say anything at all and just endure the punches as much as i can. i feel like my friends are just going to leave me, especially when they find other people. i’m not going to mention any names, but you’ve changed.

i don’t deserve good things or friendship, i want to just disappear. i just want my friends to forget about me. i just wish i never even started to bond with people. i’m just getting hurt constantly and i’m fucking tired of it. i am so, so fucking tired.

what hurts more is that i can’t bring myself to ever to say that i’m being hurt. i hate being a burden. i hate the concept of being upset over something miniscule. i hate the fact that my friends have no idea how much they’re hurting me.

but it doesn’t matter. i’m going to keep these things bottled up. i’d rather continue to torture myself than to allow these things to be out. they’re so dumb. i’m dumb. it’s not worth it. i’m not worth it. i’m just not worth the time, nor the patience. i’m a waste of all of it.

no matter what, it’s always my fault. in the end, i’m always the badguy. my feelings and needs are understood but never respected. change is promised, but it never comes. it’s all a fucking lie. it’s all one big, giant fucking lie.

i’m going to be left behind. it’s what happens. if it doesn’t happen naturally, it’ll happen because of my obsessive behavior of making sure that i’m wanted. but the message is loud and clear.

what happened?

so many things but i can’t ever talk about a single one of them

i wish i could erase my own existence and wipe the memory of my being from everyone

i have never felt so unwanted in my entire life

why can’t i bring myself to just talk to people about the things that make me upset even if they’re small

i really, really. Really. Really, really, really, really , really. really really. Really really really l. Really really want to die

don't want to be the one to walk away

but i can't bear the thought of one more day

i think i finally understand what it means to be lost

can't find the road to lead us out of this

a million miles from where from where we burned the bridge

can't keep pretending that everything's going to be alright