M is "learning how to decay gracefully"

25, they; from spain/EMT in progress ☕🐍🐦‍⬛ 🌌🦇 💀🍉 (former full service sworker☔, DNI terfs and swerfs) officially Borderline, but then again that's a made up diagnosis so there's that

[cheerful0blivion]

finally got my working for the knife by mitski tattoo!!

so here comes a lil rant about it; about my time doing fssw, the ways through which we survive, and the promises we make ourselves.

i have been thinking of getting it for years, since the end of 2022. i don't share much about this usually, but as i openly state in my bio, i used to be a full service sex worker. i can't lie and say that it was all bad, because good came from it too. in any case, it was a difficult situation for me, i started when i was only 18 when i was groomed into it--and then i kept going back for years. it was addicting; i felt like it was the only part of my life i had actual control over, and my brain found confort in the pain and the drugs and the sex. this isn't news--it's a common story for many people in the same sitaution, or anyone with a history of addiction.

of course, this is not the case for every sex worker, and no one should be made feel like their reasons for getting into swork aren't valid (everyone's a slave under capitalism oldest profession just another job yadda yadda--we are not talking about politics here, and i am NOT saying sex work and sex trafficking are the same thing. always strive for full decrim. if anyone wants to actually discuss sex work and sex trafficking and the politics of exploitation, ask me about the dissertation i wrote in university about it while being actively involved. but i digress).

anyways. the very last day that i worked shit happened. i was very scared and paranoid and just at what i thought was rock bottom back then (ha! if only i knew what was coming lmao). i was in the train going back home, it was sunrise, and i was hungover and exhausted, and then this song came on in shuffle.

i had listeneted to it before, but that time i really heard the lyrics, and paid attention to them. i decided that that was it--that was the last time going back to it and to him. i really promised myself to take control over this part of my life. i understood that the knife would always be there (be it trauma or addiction or capitalism or just the challenges we face in life), but i could face it and take it and push through.

i was able to get out of that life, and even though during the following years i have had many chances and temptations to go back, i haven't. amongst other things, i kept remembering this song and that moment in the train back home. the relief taking that decision made me feel. i may have sucumbed to other things afterwards, but i've always pushed through them. i've made my choices and they haven't ways been the right ones, but i'm still here.

i am heavily depressed and anxious. i have bpd and ptsd and i dissociate heavily. but i take my medication, and i go to therapy, and i try to do some exercise in my living room several days a week.

i'm trying. i promise i am. even though i am so scared i'm still here, finding reasons and reminding myself of them.

i try to remember that i will decay, but i must do it gracefully; i will grow like everything grows; i can live even though the knife will always be there.

this tattoo is a reminder of that. one of several i plan to have done. i don't want to look at my body and only see what the clients saw; i want to grow myself into something lovable and good. grow through my own choices.

i don't expect anyone to read this far since i'm a nobody screaming into the tumblr void, but if any sex worker is there and wants to be mutuals or talk about it, i'd love to. if anyone has been/is in a similar situation or going through a hard time, i'm here and you can talk to me any time.

take care of yourselves. remind yourselves. try.

[fforsythiaaa]

Once when I was in undergrad, someone described something as “problematic” in class and our professor was like, “That’s cool, but ‘problematic’ doesn’t really mean anything. It means that the thing you’re describing has a problem, and in and of itself that’s not bad. Art, especially, should always have problems, or else it’s not interesting and not art, either. It sounds like you’re trying to say that this is bad, but you don’t want to say ‘bad.’ Is that right?”

So from then on whenever one of us called something problematic, he would make us talk it out until we could name the “bad” thing we were hinting at. In this particular class, 7/10 it was some type of oppression, and the remainder was like, “I’m uncomfortable because this is very new/confusing/pushing boundaries that made me feel safe.”

Once we stopped calling things “problematic” and stopping at that, class got way more interesting and... we all had to say, like, “that’s racist” or “that’s misogynistic” or “ew capitalism gross” out loud, which a lot of us had never done in a classroom before. Or we had to be like, “Uhhh... I’m not sure what’s so bad?” and confront our own beliefs and that was maybe even more useful.

Anyway. Whenever I see the word problematic, I can’t help but think of this professor being like, “Good starting point, now let’s get specific.” I think when we have to commit to saying “that’s ___” it requires a lot more careful thought about the truth and impact and complexities of whatever we’re claiming. Sometimes there really is some bullshit afoot, and also sometimes it’s art, and it should be full of problems, because that’s what art is.

[nightowlqueen]

RED HOOD TAKES COMMAND OF THE TEEN TITANS IN THE NEW DC NEXT LEVEL SERIES FROM ACCLAIMED CREATORS KYLE HIGGINS AND DANIELE DI NICUOLO! After rejecting an offer from Nightwing, the next generation of the Teen Titans have chosen Red Hood as their mentor! But does the harrowed former boy wonder have what it takes to control these impulsive heroes of tomorrow? The clock is ticking to save their missing friend as the kids take their team out of the chat rooms and onto the streets of Seattle for their first stake out and attempt to infiltrate Ascend.

Additional news coming out of SDCC says the kids meet on/have a Discord created by Fairplay called Teen Titans.

Here's some Sneak Peeks!

Plus bonus 80's Teen Titans!

[malefixium]

the trees you grew up with have not forgotten you. their branches still whisper your name in the breeze and their roots remember the paths your feet once traced through their shade.

[probuccalfat]

does anybody know what i need

[camelgold]

everything and nothing

[probuccalfat]

no babe that’s what haunts me

[childsacrifice]

(no beers in) So how do you perceive me in the privacy of your thoughts

[grimark]

he likes having his autonomy violated and his boundaries overruled it's literally good for him. he likes being given a meaningful task within pre-defined constraints that he absolutely must do Or Else. and he likes being packed up and kept in a box. send post.

[scabsinlockets]

sex is overrated just break into my home and beat the shit out of me

[malglories]

i do feel somewhat ruined forever. but it’s okay we stay silly

[seilnakyle]

Cover for Nightwing #126 by Vasco Georgiev

[rlyehtaxidermist]

the only reliable, effective way of "protecting children" is education. but people don't want to hear that because they don't actually care about protecting children, they care about protecting a mythologised ideal of innocence

[iamanewvagina101]

what r ur kinks

I'm consumed by grief

[bloody-suburbs]

Hylas and the Nymphs, John William Waterhouse, 1896

[druap]

Roba Simon <3

i just love torturing my comfort characters msorry

process gif under the cut

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

[ab0masum]

me when i have 'always hurts disease' and then i fucking hurts

[nadjasnandor]

consuming media like