what’s funny is that if we do get a check please tv show the frogs will get a similarly tiny amount of screen time to the comic and YET. i can already see the edits of nursey and dex standing vaguely close to each other in the background of a shot. slowed down gifs of the frogs interacting which only made up 0.4 seconds of screen time in the real show. i can already envision it so clearly
jack doesn’t miss the draft, is closeted and lonely so he subscribes to college student bitty’s onlyfans
(explicit text ahead... obviously)
jack doesn't know about onlyfans.
he really doesn't, but one day, he happens on a recipe website for a more interesting kind of chicken tenders, because it's getting kind of boring, and when he gets through the comments, he sees that people aren't exactly happy with the results of this recipe. "e. rick's recipe is so much better! he has it on his blog!"
so jack writes that name down in google search, and finds 1. a mostly empty twitter, 2. an old blog with 2-3 recipes, none of which are chicken tenders, 3. an onlyfans.
cooking... fans?
but yeah, this must be where the new blog is, and jack has to pay to access it, which also makes sense, because how much do you usually earn with a normal recipe website? if the food is that good, he doesn't mind spending a few bucks per month for it.
he creates his profile - laurent carter, his usual fake name, and when he land's on e's profile, he gapes.
so, not a cooking website.
jack closes the app. then opens it up, after a minute or two.
it's a bit like an... instagram, but a bit more racy. there are mostly pictures, never showing a face, just- shoulders, chest, groin, legs, ass. and he's athletic. jack can see that. the pictures emphasize that.
it does stay tasteful, and a few pictures are definitely artistic. those catch jack's attention - the lighting, the quality of the camera, it's clear that e is not taking those himself. but there are a couple of iphone ones too, less pin-upy, more explicit. the outline of an erection in a jean. a picture taken in a mirror, showing the underside curve of his ass, just under his loose hoodie. always suggestive. (and jack understands. it works. it works even more than outright porn.)
he swallows, opens the little chat because there's no way in hell he's going to find that recipe here, and writes, Hey. Do you still have that recipe for chicken tenders?
at samwell, bitty's just done with his classes for the day, when he receives the notification. he sighs, because he doesn't really like receiving onlyfans messages - he's not into dirty talking the people who follow him, which is usually what they want. he opens the app, and stares at the message for a long, long time. a smile breaks on his face.
they get chatting. it's a surprisingly normal conversation for the type of content e is putting out there. but jack does enjoy it, even though he doesn't get the recipe - e lost is somewhere, and he's going to take some time later to type it back for jack. or well, for laurent.
outside of messaging, jack tries not to go on e's onlyfans. and miserably fails. he likes the conversation - they're chirping each other back and forth, about food, more often than not ("chicken tenders, really? how old are you?" - "old enough to be on here." and then: "25, if you want to know.") (because the internet is full of creeps and jack doesn't want to sound like a creep.) about photography (e is a model for his artist friend taking a photography seminar) and about hockey. because e plays. of course. so, they're kind of... friends? until the day e posts a picture of his ass in a jockstrap (not the hockey kind), as he's lying down on his bed, the small of his back suggestively curved. it's not a big ass by all means, but it's... cute. jack wants to touch it. bite it.
he closes the app as soon as the thought manifests. what he can't really stop is visualizing it as he jerks off in the shower, later that day.
fuck, he's got a crush on a... porn person.
it would be pathetic as hell if jack wasn't making friends at the moment. but shitty has taken him out a few times since he finished college (they met when shitty was doing a paper on toxic masculinity in the hockey world), and then, shitty showed up at a game with two friends, both wearing jack's number - lardo and bitty.
as much as jack doesn't like going out, he does enjoy that little group's company. during their first night out together, lardo goes after shitty to fetch drinks, and bitty leans in towards jack with a meaningful look, their shoulders brushing. "lord, how long do you bet before these two figure things out?" and jack stares at lardo and shitty, and goes oh.
after that, when they meet up, lardo and shitty are inevitably getting closer and closer, which leaves bitty and jack together. it's not a burden - jack likes bitty. bitty is fun. bitty is interesting. bitty makes him smile. that's always a good feeling.
until jack goes to reply to e, one evening, and lands on a short video of e wearing a hockey jersey, his erection poking against the fabric as he changes the angle of his body. a falconer's jersey. and he's facing the camera, so jack can't really see if it's his number (there are no chances it is, though), but it's easy enough to imagine, and so he slips his hand in his sweatpants and jerks off right then and there, eyes on his phone.
"a falconer's fan, eh?" - "oh lord, I bought that as a halloween costume." - "who did you go as?" - "this is embarrassing, but... jack zimmermann."
so it was his jersey. tabarnak. which doesn't mean e likes jack zimmermann. well, him.
"I've heard he's an asshole." (e takes a long time to reply) "he's not! he really isn't. he looks a bit stiff during interviews, but that's how all hockey players are, if you don't know. I'm sure it's only because he wants to do things right. he's... passionate."
jack smiles. okay.
jack catches himself smiling at bitty, one day, as bitty is telling him about how practice went. and fuck. because crushing on a random internet person is kind of... fine, because it's not like anything is going to happen, crushing on your friend, who is definitely out of your league, is a whole other deal. bitty is walking proof that jack isn't good at any of this.
on the other hand, he gets closer to e. and e seems to enjoy talking with him - enough that he tells jack how to get a snapchat, and exchanges his contact with him. so now, jack has erb1995 on his phone, which he can send texts and pictures to.
they keep on chatting there. one late night, jack learns that e doesn't have a boyfriend, but that he'd like to. "doesn't seem like you'd have any problem finding one," jack writes. e is young, in college, sweet, interesting and hot. "I know, I know, but... I really like this one guy. and he doesn't even know I exist. or he does, but he's straight. lord, sorry, I don't even know why I'm telling you this." - "he's missing out, then." - "😊"
e's onlyfans just gets more and more explicit. until one day, jack goes to bed in his hotel room to the sight of e, legs open, two fingers stuck in his ass.
around christmas, late at night again, jack receives a new snap message: "lord Im bored" - "you okay?" - "not rlly, date just threw up onmy shoes 😩" - "sorry" - ";__; do u like me?" - "yeah?" - "I mean physically. u never said." - "yeah." / "I'm still on your onlyfans, aren't I?" / "you're hot."
jack isn't sure what this is all about, but maybe e needs a bit of comfort because he's crushing on a straight guy and his date just threw up on him. e replies with a snap, of his naked collarbone, shoulder and neck, blushing red.
another snap, thirty second later, where e unzips the front of his jeans, bringing his erection out, tugging at it a few times, with a winking emoji sticking in one corner.
this isn't onlyfans, this is just for him. he's- sexting. with a stranger. kind of. fuck fuck fuck.
another snap, of e really going at it now, his hand blurry over his dick, little breathing sounds in the phone's speaker, and jack replays it a few times as he jerks himself off along.
"fuck, you made me come." - "rlly?" - "yeah" - "can I see? 😳" - "... seriously?" - "fair is fair, mister 😤"
and yeah- he's right. so jack takes a snap of his chest, his abs covered in come, and his now-soft dick, and sends it to e.
"😳😳😳😳😳" - "what?" - "ur not what I expected" - "what did you expect?" - "I do porn on the internet, laurent, you could be anyone. seventy. or... not a hunk." - "you already know I'm 25. what's a hunk?" - "a man whos an superhero actor in hiding. please tell me youre not captain america." - "I'm not an actor. and I'm canadian." - "as if i couldn't recognize chris evan's chest on sight. captain canada, then. happy to have served queen and country. 😌" - "you're not canadian." - "what I am is going to sleep, captain obvious. sleep well. 😘"
it's not... the last time that happens.
in the meanwhile, bitty distances himself a bit from jack. it's the spring semester, which is hard enough, jack understands, but he also wonders if he did something wrong. did he?
until the day jack gets on e's onlyfans, and sees the latest - and longest video that's been posted on there recently. it's a shot taken from above, of e's shoulder, chest and neck, flushed red as his arm moves in a recognizable way, his hand outside of the frame, the movement accompanied with a characteristic wet sound as he touches himself. jack doesn't even think about it and jerks himself off - the video is long enough, in real time, that pressure is building up just as e makes a few guttural sounds, the wet sounds speeding up. jack closes his eyes, trying to think about nothing in particular, until he hears his name -- "jack!" -- and orgasms to the thought of eric bittle calling out his name.
he calms his breathing down, sitting on top of his bed, for a few moments, until his eyes spring open. it's not a thought that came from him. sure, bitty has been the subject of a few fantasies lately, but jack wouldn't imagine this.
so he rewinds the video, places his ear against it, and then and there, between two quick breaths, his name.
a lot of people are called jack. it could be any other jack on earth. but then. but then.
but then, the puzzle pieces come together. e likes cooking. e plays hockey. e is from the south. not still in the south, like jack thought, but from the south. he has his jersey. a video that came up a few days after bitty went to his first game with shitty. his onlyfans name is e. rick for fuck's sake. oh, fuck.
and what about e saying he's crushing on a straight guy? doesn't that mean- no. it can't. jack shouldn't go there.
a few days later, bitty comes to the game, and jack still doesn't know if he should make himself known or not. what if bitty takes it badly? that he and jack have been... fooling around, anonymously. bitty might not even like jack. their friendship might be done over this.
but then, jack sees bitty, small and athletic and beaming at him, and the first thing that escapes jack's lips is, "you still haven't given me that chicken tenders recipe."
shock on bitty's face. then, understanding. "oh my god. oh my god, you're- you're...! oh my god, I've seen you naked!"
bitty is so red, jack laughs. "I've seen you naked too, if that makes things better."
it kind of does. bitty is still so, so red, so jack explains how he didn't know until a few days ago, wasn't even sure until now. and bitty seems so embarrassed, until he looks up at jack. "so... do you want me to cook those chicken tenders for you?"
they end up at jack's place. they're nervous in the car, and once they get to jack's apartment, bitty nearly jumps on him, closing the distance between their lips. it's a scorching first kiss, until jack breaks them apart. "what about the chicken tenders?"
and bitty laughs, and laughs, because he didn't come here to cook, lord, no, that was just an excuse, but now he's go the confirmation that jack isn't a creep just using him for sex, that he's just an awkward, silly boy really into chicken tenders. and into eric bittle.
We've all read fics where Jack and Bitty meet on a baking competition, but hear me out. A celebrity British (or Canadian, I suppose) Bake Off where Jack is a contestant and Bitty isn't involved at all.
Some of the other celebrities are balking because Jack is married to Eric Bittle, after all, while others are like, "Yeah, but he's still just a hockey player."
Jack surprises everyone by clearly holding his own and winning a couple of the challenges.
"You have to wipe down your mixer paddles with vinegar, see? Otherwise any leftover oils or fats will affect your meringue."
Bitty watches the telecast with utter heart eyes.
This headcanon is brought to you by James McAvoy's arms in that t-shirt.
Jack wears a tight muscle tank, which one of the comedian contestants jokes is an unfair advantage.
Jack makes a serious face before explaining, "It's important not to get your sleeves near what your making. My husband taught me that even a single fiber from a flannel can ruin egg whites. That's why I'm cooking in a tank top. At home, I'm usually shirtless."
At Bitty's apartment, Shitty has fallen off the sofa laughing. Lardo looks from the TV to Bitty. "Egg whites...You dog!"
olliewicks childhood friends au where they were kindergarten best friends
but they lost contact with each other when wicks moved across the country when they were eight bc his dad got a job in colorado.
so when they get samwell, it doesn't really click for ollie that wicky is pace, his best friend from elementary school, because wicky refuses to let anyone use his first name.
wicks is slightly better in that he hopes that this is the same oliver o'meara, but he doesn't let his hopes get up too much.
at the first kegster of freshman year, they're about to kiss, but ollie asks for wicky's first name first ("we can't make out and i still not know your name")
and wicks knows that this is the moment of truth. this is when he finds out if this is really oliver owen o'meara
so he braces himself for ollie's possible blank stare, or worse his expression might twist into anger as he realises that wicks knew that they knew each other
and he just whispers "pacer." he almost collapses against ollie as the relief comes crashing over him. "my name is pacer wicks."
ollie's eyes go wide
"pace?"
wicks can't bring himself to do anything other than nod, expecting the worst
but he hears ollie's hushed "it's you"
and then ollie's lips come crashing against his and everything is okay
everything is okay
when they gasp apart, wicks catches ollie's eye and stutters out the words "is- is that okay?"
and ollie just grins and says "it's more than okay; it's 'swawesome"
wicks can't contain himself anymore and he bursts out laughing and he hears himself reply "'swawesome"
one year for holster’s birthday the smh team goes to a karaoke bar and shitty sang you’re a mean one mr grinch that was filled with so much sexual energy that they got banned from the bar for life
also on ao3 || title from “the name of the game” by abba
check, please! and its characters belong to ngozi
***
Dex spins around in his chair when he hears a small knock on his door. Nursey’s standing in the doorway, watching him. His eyes dart away when Dex turns to him and although his expression is carefully reserved, he can’t quite figure out what to do with his hands.
“Hey Dex,” he starts, looking everywhere except actually at Dex. “Can I ask you to do me a huge favor?”
“Uh. Sure.” Dex stands. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Nursey rubs the back of his neck. “So my cousin’s getting married this weekend and I kinda told her I was bringing you?”
“Okay…” Dex says slowly.
“I mean, you totally don’t have to go if you don’t want to, I’ll just make up an excuse for why you can’t go—”
“Nursey,” Dex cuts him off, frowning slightly. “I’ll go.”
Nursey blinks, surprised. “You will?”
“Yeah.” Dex doesn’t really understand where Nursey’s shock is coming from, but maybe Nursey’s just been so wrapped up in his own head lately that he’s convinced himself Dex wouldn’t want to go.
Nursery cocks his head. “And you’re okay with… being my date in front of my family?”
Dex nods. Again, he tries to get a grasp on Nursey’s strange behavior, but he can’t figure out what’s got him so tightly wound. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I don’t know. I just thought it might be kinda weird for you to…” He shakes his head. “Never mind.” The tension in his face disappears, replaced by a relieved smile. “Thank you so much. I’ll take you out to Annie’s when we get back. My treat.”
He’s gone before Dex can say anything else.
Dex turns back to his computer, trying to shake the feeling he’s missing something.
my fave part about zimbits is bitty thinking that jack is sooo funny and sooo charming while everyone else isn’t sure why bitty’s genuinely laughing at all of jack’s jokes
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