~j.ME~

A day in my life...

[chonger66]

Baby steps

“ A jet engine is roughly 4ft long. It makes magic happen within 2 to 3 ft. It can take air at -50 degrees, squeeze it so small that it heats it to 1000 degrees. Taking the plane from the ground to 40k feet with minimal effort. “

Change a small belief, which will change your thoughts or behaviors, which will in turn change a habit, which will then become action and ultimately overall change for yourself. Baby steps. 

[chonger66]

Running from problems deeply embedded in us is a futile exercise. We must examine, accept and resolve our faults.

J.F. Greene

[chonger66]

Why Most People Die Before Age 25

Have You Died Already? Prince EA http://www.facebook.com/princeeahiphop http://www.twitter.com/PrinceEa // @PrinceEa http://www.princeea.com http://princeea....

Today was a very inspiring day. I started off with a very inspirational reminder, “...because in the graveyard, you will find inventions never invented, businesses never erected, songs never sung, books never written, ideas never nurtured, people never realized because they were scared to take a risk, scared like you, but you want to know something else? You aren’t in the graveyard, yet.”

Yesterday, I took a baby step in my own professional development. I emailed the director of operations at my company for a chance to get some professional development advice as well as hear her journey and where she sees her new role going.

I fumbled a bit throughout the whole conversation but definitely got to take a lot away. We talked about some action plans and she really gave me a lot of insight and motivation to not just sit around. She said, “If a window needs to be washed so I can understand the office better, then I’ll wash it.” She has always worked beyond her pay grade and just because her job description doesn’t entail solving someone else’s problem, she’d solve it if she had a solution. In the hour conversation we had, I knew she already read me pretty well (not that I’m not an open book hahha). One thing I really need to focus on, silence isn’t always bad. Sometimes it’s good to take a step back and really not say anything if you aren’t sure of what to say and if you do say something, it can always be a question to help you understand. We went on and talked about being more aggressive in the workforce and requesting more things to do instead of waiting for them to be handed to you. We elaborated on how you request or present things will affect the value of your opinion. 

Overall, I’d say it was a productive day. :)

[chonger66]

Humanity

Today I read some stories. Stories about how people tried to help others and the road blocks they had. Most of them were helping the homeless by simply paying for a meal. Some were good stories, most were bad experiences. One of them talked about how there was this old 60 year old lady who was trying to warm up at a McDonald’s. The manager kept telling her she couldn’t stay in here and loiter around if she didn’t purchase any food. It was snowy and cold outside so this lady bought some food for her so she could stay. The manager got upset and wouldn’t give the homeless lady this other lady purchased for her. He kept trying to kick her out even when the other lady took the food out to a table and laid it out for her to sit and stuff. He said if no one was sitting with her, he’d have to leave, so she moved her son and herself over to that table to sit with her. A 60 year old lady!! Homeless because her husband took care of everything for her all her life. Of course, there were probably things she could have done better but she didn’t know better and now she is where she is-- A homeless widow, whose house was foreclosed with no family members who were living. This story in particular made me think of a conversation I had recently with my friends. Someone on Facebook had posted that their boyfriend got them a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. I had never heard of it since I’m not really a name brand type of girl. I looked it up and shoes like that cost probably $1000 +. I asked my friends if they would ever spend that much money on shoes. It seemed insane to me, most likely because I’m just barely hanging on myself, living paycheck to paycheck. They all said they would totally purchase expensive shoes if they could afford it. Jimmy Choos, Valentinos.... And here today, as I read this story, I look around at humanity and there is so much that is conflicting about us. We are ridiculous. I’m not judging my friends. I’ll definitely be there to admire their gorgeous shoes and probably even be slightly jealous. That’s kind of the lifestyle we have allowed ourselves to fall into and I am far from being better than anybody, but I decided even if I become more well off one day and can afford $1000 shoes for something even as special as a wedding day, I’m not going to do it. I’d rather buy someone a meal.

[chonger66]

Jealousy.

The uneasy feeling that calls itself jealous.It’s uncomfortable and doesn’t sit well. A constant battle in my heart. When I feel it, it tends to shake me up a little. Make me doubt myself. Luckily..? Maybe not luckily...but this is usually with friendships and we tend to have more friendships throughout our lives than dating relationships. At least I do. I rarely have jealousy issues with the person I’m dating. I don’t put myself in that situation I suppose. It tends to be a tugging feeling in my heart. I start feeling the potential to lose that friend to someone else and it’s stupid, uncalled for and completely tears me apart sometimes. It’s a direct reflection of how I see myself. It is a direct reflection of how much confidence I lack. I have this debate with myself all the time. Maybe the issue of abandonment is still strongly affecting my life. Maybe i’m not and will never fully recover from the betrayals endured. Maybe I just need to continue to live with it all. Living with it seems so heavy. I want that freedom. The freedom from my heart and its burdens. Having conflict with people is so tiring but forgiving some of them seems uncomfortable. Where lies the balance? Why do friendships matter? What is so scary about loneliness that makes us run from it so? Ladies and gentleman, the life of an ENFP.

[chonger66]

Peace in death

Been thinking about my friend from high school that passed away recently again. She was my age. She had been having health problems for the last few years but even then I don’t think it ever dawned on her that she could possibly die so young. She by chance had a staph infection and reached her heart and took her quick. I’m sure she was thinking just like me, “There’s still time for me to figure stuff out.” My friends have always told me I have a strong sense of urgency in life but I always felt like it could be stronger. It’s important to live in the present and live in the future. We can’t forgo one for the other; we have to balance it. There are things I need to do here and now for my possible future, but I can’t bank 100% on having that future. Complications can happen and I may not be here to see the puzzle pieces piece together my whole future. I’m just thinking, will I ever reach a point where I’m satisfied and at peace with whatever point I am in life so that I pass in peace? If I die tomorrow, can I admit I tried my best and that my best is enough for my heart and soul to be at peace?

[chonger66]

City Life

I'm sure to most people in Colorado when people say I'm living the city life, the last city they would think about is Denver. Most people would probably jump straight to imagining New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, etc. but to small little me, Denver is very much a city. A couple months I made a bold decision to move closer to downtown Denver and now it has been two weeks.I wanted to meet new people, I wanted a challenge, I wanted growth, and I really wanted change. I was starting to get too comfortable in my little bubble. Working two jobs was tiring yes but I had stopped challenging myself with attaining new skills and experience. The main challenge I had between those two jobs was balancing time and not getting enough rest so I took a leap and applied for a job downtown that my roommate now had told me about. I told myself, if I got the job, I would push myself even more to the next step by moving away from my comfort zone. I would move further from my big and away from a small community I had established for myself. Most of all, I would not put myself in a position where I lived with my best friend's boyfriend so I could seek comfort in her companionship easily. It's been almost two months at this job, two weeks in this home and although financially it's a bit of a struggle, I'm not going to regret it. I already see a pull back from certain people, first from the job change and now from the move as well. It's interesting how human relationships pan out and how quickly things can change. Back to the main focus of this post, living in the city! It's been kind of crazy. I walk about 30 minutes to the bus and take a free 15 minute bus ride to work. Of course, this is only temporary seeing as when the snow comes, it will be quite a walk but for now it's not as bad as it sounds! I hate driving for one and now I don't do it as often. I get my daily exercise, although I've still gained weight cuz an hour walk a day is just not enough cardio for the amount of stress eating I do at my new job. Also all the sitting around at an office job is quite a transition from standing all day at the pharmacy. I'm sure the excessive casual drinking of living in the city does not help my weight or my wallet! My place is small and cozy and a tad hipstery. It's two bedrooms with a nice and spacious living room/kitchen area. It may not be as fancy as when I first moved to Aurora and lived in a luxury apartment but for the location and such, I can't complain. As I get more and more things, it's really starting to feel like home. The crappy thing is the laundry situation and the lack of cheaper grocery stores in the neighborhood but the bright side is I'm about a 10 minute drive to dimsum and the asian super market! It's a 15 minute walk to all the fancy eateries in the Highlands area and almost any time I walk around the neighborhood or to work, I'll see lots of dogs! Hopefully after a month of living here, I'll get a clearer understanding of my finances and work on that more and hopefully by the end of the month I'll get hired permanently and get a raise!

[chonger66]

Domestic Adoption Camp

Last weekend I volunteered at one of the two hardest camps I've ever had to volunteer at. Domestic Adoption Camp was a camp that was hard in both the emotional and physical component. I've never felt so drained from a camp before.

You have to understand, the hardest camp prior to this was Camp Wapiyapi, which was a week long camp with kids with cancer. Let me give you a little background. The set up at this camp is very different from Heritage Camps. At Camp Wapiyapi, each companion was in charge of a child and this child is either a sibling to a child with cancer or someone battling cancer. The parents drop them off for a week and leave them up at camp with us. We tuck them in at night, help them with their morning and nighttime routines, make sure that they take their medication and let them enjoy some sunlight, which many have not had in a while. Because the camp is so physically tolling, there are also super companions to take over when the companion needs a little break from their kiddo. This camp was definitely the first camp that I left in tears from. I remember one of the high school campers reading a letter they wrote to everyone at camp about how grateful she was for everything she had. It touched me because these children have more appreciation for life than most of us who mindlessly live through life.  They go through so much, but face life with an open mind and brave heart daily. I left emotionally and physically drained but energized to love  and appreciate life.

Domestic Adoption Camp however, made me realize how dear adoption was to my heart. I've been volunteering with Colorado Heritage Camp for about 6 years now. I always went back to Chinese Heritage Camp for the kids. The middle school campers who would leave saying see you next year and the high school campers who added me on facebook and would annually tag me in a status to say they can't wait for camp. I went back for some of the connections I made with the children in terms of their identity and what it meant to have the face of an Asian-American. I went to Korean Camp for the same things but what touched me more at this camp was the returning counselors that were adopted and their stories and struggles that are still so real today. I had no idea why I connected with them so much. I never really though about it. I was approached by various counselors saying that they felt safe talking to me or that they appreciated that I could understand their perspective. I always thought that was related to the social justice work I did on campus but after going to Domestic Adoption Camp, I realized it was much more. I  was essentially adopted by my grandparents and my aunts and uncles. I remember thinking about that a lot as a child. I used to wish that I was adopted to a better family sometimes but I never really thought about it as adoption with my family because it is so traditional for grandparents in the Chinese culture to watch over their grandchildren.

Of course, as I got older, all I had was appreciation for my family and the way I was raised. I've become a person who loves who I am and knows I wouldn't be here today without the sequence of events that occurred when I was younger. This camp just made me appreciate more of what my grandparents had given me and although I have a broken family and my grandparents have already passed, the struggles I had with my identity growing up have made me a more rooted person.  Camp was hard because I could already see the struggles these children have. It's clearly written on their little faces and they have no where to hide those raw emotions. Of course, none of them were ready to talk about it yet, but I could just feel and sense it. That's what made camp hard for me. The fact that I didn't know how to effectively help them through their battle and that all I could provide was a little company and some scolding. I had 4th and 5th graders and they aren't ready to talk yet. They are at the stage where they are lashing their conflicted feelings on their parents and others around them. That made it hard for me to see because it reminded me a lot of my younger self. Back then, I was exactly like them. I didn't know how to process what I was feeling but I was just feeling bad.  The worst thing was watching these parents struggle with their kids. Some really struggled with communication and discipline, mainly because they would tiptoe around a lot of things and baby them because they saw them as fragile. They wouldn't enforce discipline because they didn't want their children to feel unloved but that is just the wrong way to go in my own opinion, but children need role models to tell them what is right and what is wrong.

Camp was also extremely difficult because it's one of the newer camps. The funding is limited and the organization is more like disorganized chaos. Most of the time we would just have to wing things with the scheduled "activities." The biggest problem with this camp is that they are trying to structure it like all the other heritage camps that have a primary focus of promoting the ethnic culture and heritage to give the children some roots but the children at domestic adoption camp don't have that background. Some get adopted through an adoption agency and some get adopted through the foster care system. Some of these children have been exposed to some pretty bad stuff and aren't always adopted as infants or toddlers. The fact that the camp itself was so disorganized made it far more draining and frustrating. Hearing the stories of the campers from their parents and previous counselors made this camp so worth the frustration and weariness. Having the campers run up and ask if they could sit with you for breakfast was just heartwarming. Although this camp was extremely difficult and needs a lot of work, I definitely think I'll be back next year and hopefully I'll be less talk and more action. 

[chonger66]

Getting away..

It was so refreshing to take a break away from people in Colorado and soak up some sun. Sure, the group of people I went with were from Colorado but I barely knew them and it was a nice change. I got to turn my phone off for most of the weekend, lay by a beach ish structure, soak up some sun, play in the water and eat good food with great company. It was just what I needed. It gave me time to clear my thoughts a little and I got a chance to meet some pretty amazing people. Yes yes, I know I have a habit of thinking everyone is amazing but I just ended up having great conversations and good vibes from these people and people know I'm all about the vibes! :)

Needless to say, I feel like a perfectly toasted marshmallow, meaning i'm not burnt but golden. Haha and I felt sooo well rested when I woke up this morning since I slept all day on Sunday. On top of that, I came into work and did my first quote! It was a little rough and my notes were scattered but so many of the new hires that were there with me were asking me for my notes and were saying how it's clear I'm still learning but I definitely understood more than them. It's great to hear that especially since I had just gotten in trouble last week for falling asleep during training. ;) All in all, a good Monday, all thanks to a good weekend. Minus one or two hiccups. But what's life without a couple bumps everywhere?

[chonger66]

I've been in quite a dilemma lately. I've been having trouble breaking down things that go on in my life, why I feel bad and hurt over matters that others see as menial or even why I let others have that emotional control over me. Upon reading this article, I started thinking even more. I don't think I emulate these toxic behaviors, but I do know that sometimes, I express variations of these toxic behaviors, but it also got me thinking too, about the people who have these behaviors and are in my life. Regardless, it's been a good read and along with everything else that has been going on lately, it's been a good trigger for me to try and take more control. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't deal with emotions well. I strive to establish emotional stability. Although, I see myself changing and getting stronger, it's a daily battle for me. Even in my previous blog posts, the constant struggle is clearly visible. I am still having the same problems with relationships in my life and I'm only slowly starting to grasp the root of them. I'm still letting people have that control over me and no one has that right. Letting people go is honestly one of my biggest struggles. I cherish the memories I have with people and the way they have contributed or influenced my life, but I'm starting to really understand that sometimes people come into your life as a positive change but may not remain that way. There are only a couple worth fighting for, anymore and you'll die before the fight is over. I mess up a lot, I'm flawed but it really sucks when you feel like you are the only one who fights for people and there's no one to fight for you. Luckily, as I'm falling and hurting myself through life, I'm slowly starting to see that I can't fight for everyone. Although it may not be clear yet as to who deserves me to be on their side, at least the few I know of, know who they are too. It eases my mind to know that there are those few who accept me and my bad habits the same way I accept them and theirs. 

[chonger66]

You Don't Have To Be Rich In Your 20s: How Much Money You Should Actually Be Making

Money makes the world go round. Money makes your house warm and your teeth clean. Money covers your feet and feeds your belly.

Just a little reminder to myself. I think I often am so focused on making ends meet and caught up with making money, I lose my freedom to it. In my 24 years of living, I have seen money play out in so many bad ways with my family and many others. I've read this article before, but with so many changes in my life coming, it's always nice to revisit certain things. Today, I am making enough to rough it out for this Vegas trip~ 

[chonger66]

Jobless...

For a couple days! It's a weird feeling being jobless, even for a couple days. It's been non-stop work for over 6 months and I finally can relax a little and breathe, yet the unsettling feeling of transitioning is pinning me down a little. There is so much to live for, so much excitement ahead. There are so many people to meet, to connect with. There's still so much to do, while feeling like there is not enough time.

Yesterday was my last day at the pharmacy. It didn't feel like anything special until I left work. My manager and a couple coworkers bought me ice cream sandwiches...guess that's my signature addiction..haha. They all got together and gave me a hug and thanked me for how hard I worked over the last year and a half. I always imagined leaving. I never wanted to be there forever and get stuck like many that I have worked with, but when leaving finally came, it was the oddest feeling. Leaving one's comfort zone and a work environment that has been a stable part of your life for over a year feels odd. Leaving the comforts of people you have gotten used to working with feels uncertain. I think these feelings are what holds people back most often. Leaving a place of comfort and certainty, where you know what to expect, where you know you will do a good job; it's not an easy thing to do. I left looking at my coworkers, who kind of looked at me with envy because they too were feeling trapped and stuck.

Today is my last day at the law firm. All I feel right now is freedom and a huge burden off my shoulders. I know this feeling won't last for long. I'll be back on the struggle bus soon, but today, I just want to be grateful for everything I have in my life. My work experiences, my connections with people and the friendships I've established with them, the opportunities I have had to live and appreciate living. Some days can be soooooooo horrible, but they can be just as horrible for someone else too and as bad as you may feel, there are always things to be grateful for.  Cheers to being alive, able-bodied and healthy!

[chonger66]

Trying Something New

I got a new job last week and it was the strangest feeling I've felt in a while. I was getting so burnt out from working two jobs and I was starting to feel stuck. I was questioning whether or not I still wanted to continue on the law school path because my friend from Maryland expressed that a lot of her friends who graduated law school were struggling with finding jobs. Everyone would like to think that they would never have that problem, that with their personality, it would not be that difficult to find a job. They may even think, these people just aren't looking hard enough, but with me and my need for stability, it kind of shook me up a little. Things have a way of lining up though. I always felt like it was hard to branch out of the science field, to find an entry level job to give you more skill sets to develop yourself  beyond just an education. As I was feeling burnt out, I had a friend re-enter my life. She then talked to her recruiter that got her the job now and it all started lining up. I interviewed, got the job, put in my two weeks that happened to fall after I took all my trips.

The feeling I had when I left the interview and the manager told me he thought I would be a great fit for the team was something unexplainable to me. I have always been extremely fortunate to get jobs through friends and not really go through an interview process. I have had interviews before and I often felt like I failed in them. In fact, after the first interview for this company, the feedback provided to me was that I seemed shy, trailed off a lot and didn't keep very good eye contact. I was down all day at work because I just felt like I needed this change. I needed to leave the pharmacy because it wasn't going to get me any further and I didn't want to do pharmacy school. The law firm didn't pay me enough to be there and there wasn't enough work to keep me interested. But as I mentioned before, things have a way of working out right? Leaving the interview, I just wanted to scream. I was an overwhelming feeling to feel a sense of freedom again. I felt hopeful, excited, scared, and happy. I felt so many different feelings it was just flowing through me.

I'm scared, but I am definitely ready to try something new.

[chonger66]

Let your footsteps chase your inspirations, and let your life live.

[theraptorkay-deactivated2015103]

Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.

[chonger66]

I Thought Being Miserable Was Just Part Of Being Chinese American

New light shed on my own life from this piece by Kristina Wong. I never really thought of my balancing act between two cultures could correlate with a psychological issue.  How ironic that is seeing as I majored in Psychology and took a huge interest in observing people. Maybe because my whole life was about this balancing act that I thought things in relation to working out how to be Chinese and how to be American was just normal and didn't contribute negatively to my psyche.

One of her points stuck out to me the most. "I was never raised to be happy as much as I was raised to be successful. " Am I in the same position as her? Upon reflection on my recent posts, I strive for stability and my stability comes hand in hand with being successful. Is it in part because it has been drilled in my brain that in order to be happy, one must be successful?

Sometimes I'm feeling lonely, miserable and depressed but normal at the same time. It's as Kristina Wong said, it's not the pop culture definition of depression, but is it depression? A deeper depression than we care to admit perhaps? When I'm sad because my job prospects aren't going well or sad that my life is not where it should be, does it extend even deeper than I thought? When did it become established that needing my life to be in a certain place or having a certain type of success equate to happiness? Is it because of the way I was raised or do non-Asians feel the same type of association? Of course, personally I'm going for the stereotypical positions of success. I had been on the medical track and now I'm on the law track but my older brother and my cousins, they are not following that track yet they still seem more depressed than I do.

We just all seem miserable. All through our lives we have seen how destructive money can be, in times when we had it and in times when we did not.  But growing up, I think we gradually associated money with happiness because when our family did have money, they were a tad bit happier. They still had their problems but they were happier because life was less stressful, bills were less stressful and they could have things. In time, that passed onto us. Money meant happiness and success brought money so success meant happiness. My cousin, I think, refused to let money "buy" happiness but in watching her struggle, especially recently, even she can't refuse the need for money and the comforts that more money offers. I don't think I am where Kristina Wong is but I do think she offered a different perspective in my struggles as a Chinese-American. Another perspective on when life is feeling dismal, could it be caused from some other point of my life that I never considered?

Hopefully one day, I'll be able to verbally state what happiness means to me. 

[chonger66]

Here comes the question of whether or not I want kids again.

It's scary what our nation is becoming! At face value, reading these comments are hilarious but then you delve a little deeper to exactly what kind of an education our people are getting. It's maybe even worse than simply education but what type of people our society are developing. My simple question for myself today: Do I want to raise children in an environment as such and can I bear that responsibility? It's a question I ask myself consistently in different stages in my life and of course the answer keeps changing, but there are sooooo many problems in just this link itself. From racial issues, to GLBTQ issues all the way to even political issues; you sure you want these people to vote?! 

Sidenote: It irks me to no end when people write with text script like " c u l8ter." You are not helping yourself out.

End rant.