Christian Curry

I'm a single mother, a musician, a failure, a winner, a student, a realist, a lover. I am broken, healing, learning, listening, and writing to my heart's content. I’m different. I'm me.

[christiancurrywritten]

Emotionless

I'm at a complete loss of emotions

Yet my head is spinning

Tell me, when did I become this?

This mess of a person

I feel so bent, so twisted, so broken

My left ribcage feels heavy with pain and depression

Sometimes I struggle to breathe without hurting

It's when I take a breath that I'm reminded of everything

I tried to tell him I wasn't ready

He didn't listen nor did he care

I tried to let him go, but he made me feel good and messed up my hair

He's always had a sense of control over me

I want- no I need to escape it

These chains are so overwhelming

Someone help me, anyone, please

I'm just here waiting

Waiting for the one

But little by little not believing in it

Is all love really gone?

I guess I ran out of emotions and I'm kind of done

[christiancurrywritten]

A Beauty in the Dark

She's a girl in a beautiful kind of dark space surrounded by nothing. A black sky that brings her hope and love. It feels like a big comfy bear hug. "Am I lost? Am I dead?", She wondered. She then sees tiny gleams way up ahead. "Are those stars?", she whispered. "They can't be..." she said. "Did I die"?

"No", a soft voice replied. "You are very much alive". She looks down at her small trembling hands.

"I can see my fingers moving. I'm here in this empty space but I don't know how I got here or what I'm doing. Is someone here?", she asked aloud. A kind whisper came from all around her.

The whisper replied, "yes, my heart; you're in my safe space for now. This is where I need you to stay".

"But why?", she asked.

The whisper replied, "because, my heart, I need to watch and wait until you're okay". "Just know, my heart, you are not alone. I won't leave you; I'm here with you always".

[christiancurrywritten]

Struggle for Words

So I tried writing you an intimate letter

But I couldn't find the right words

You know how I'm super awkward

I started with A, B, and C, like you told me, but it didn't get better

So i'm writing a poem instead

Here's the thing...I'm going to write to you as if you're dead

I know...I'ts twisted

I think about you a lot

Like first thing in the morning, I envision your smile in my head

Then I think about how you always "hear" my smile over the phone

Or hell, even through a text

You've been able to to sense it since the beginning

Honestly...it's kind of creepy

But here we are, still talking

Still enjoying each others company

You make my heart happy

You make me feel like maybe the world isn't coming to an end after all

At least not tonight

You've had every opportunity to use me like a brainless doll

Yet rather than be more darkness in my life, you've chosen to be a light

Thank you from the bottom of my black ginger heart

I'm pretty sure nothing, at this point, could tear us apart

Patience is key, that I will say is a fact

And much patience, we've both had

I'm still kind of figuring my feelings out, but I just want you to know...

I'm afraid, and a part of me wants to run away and say, "hell no"

But I won't; I can't do that to you

You need me... at least at this point in your life

And I need you too

I may not always be great with words; It takes a certain mental drive most of the time

I know I'm thankful for your strong soul, your sense of humor, your laugh, your bright blue eyes, the almost annoying way you know me too well, and your messy hair

I wonder if in the end i'll be yours and you'll be mine

I guess it really doesn't matter

You're not like most guys

I know no matter what, you'll always be there

Just like a hundred times before

Anyway, words are just words

I struggle to find them sometimes

Maybe if I do a phenomenal cartwheel, my prayers for you will be answered

Love you forever

And if thats a crime, well then shit, i'll end up right by your side

[christiancurrywritten]

A favorite 🖤

[christiancurrywritten]

Alone

He isn't here

But I am

I'm looking down Future Rd

But he's not there either

So what does this mean?

Where did he go?

I can't seem to figure him out

I just don't know

I feel all alone

When he left me...

I broke

Absolutely, 100%, completely...

Lost and done

Left with feeling ugly, scared, and withdrawn

I unplugged entirely

I separated from him, my family, friends, and even myself

Here I am, facing my mirror once again

Looking into the green eyes of my closest enemy

Why are we so mean to ourselves?

Such self-bullies, honestly

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve but it sits on a shelf

It's higher up than I can reach

It stays there for a reason

It collects dust all throughout the four seasons

Telling him how I feel would be insane

I might as well commit self-treason

My heart is tired

I'm dissapointed in the amount of "love" that's been shown

I'm still exploring Future Rd

I still don't know

I just know I feel alone

[christiancurrywritten]

Legos

I'm five years old in my old house

My brother wouldn't let me play video games with him

So I found something else to do rather than just pout

I found a box of Legos underneath his bed and thought to myself

Hmm...

I began to connect them to one another beautifully but not easily

I would get stressed out and throw one, but then pick it back up

I just needed to find its rightful place in my masterpiece

I was building something great and I knew it

The self-pride was beginning to build within me

Again, it wasn't easy

So many details to pay attention to that were stressing me

So many different colors to decide who belonged to who

Hey, I was only five, don't judge!

It was a struggle for little ole me but I knew I could do it

And so I did

I built the best castle for a princess ever

I was so proud of my work, I felt so boss-like and clever

Then right when I thought I had achieved something great

My brother came into my room and saw I had taken his Legos

So what did he do?

He kicked my castle down and laughed at me

Kind of like you

Now I'm all grown up but I don't build castles anymore

That's dumb and it seems to men these days

I'm no princess, just some useless whore

It's okay though

I was devastated the day my brother kicked my Lego castle down

Just like I'm hurting now

But you know what?

Life happens

People you love will use, laugh at, and betray you

But you're stronger than you think

We might be too old now to be playing with Legos

But we're old and wise enough to know when to let go

If people are kicking down your mental/emotional castles

It’s not a 5 year old’s princess castle anymore

It’s your heart, your mind, your life

It’s no longer a game of Legos

It's time to Let. Go.

[christiancurrywritten]

Head Over Heart

He looked at her one last time before saying goodbye

The look in her ocean-blue eyes told him what he needed to know

He had completely shattered her

She wasn't the same woman as before

It was time for her to go

-Sometimes life stops us in our tracks

It makes us doubt and fear

It makes a girl like her ask...

Why am I here?-

The tide was strong, pulling those ocean-blue eyes away

What can I do? He asked

What do I say?

I broke her heart...

Can she ever forgive me?

-She will eventually-

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness is the way to break the chains off your very own wrists

There's no point in hanging on to them anymore; just let go

Your enemies are running around free

While you place yourself on deathly gallows

Please let go

Break the chains before they take you

It's time to rise up again

Brush yourself off

I know it's hard and it hurts but you can do it, my friend

This is not the end

A beautiful future awaits you

Sons and daughters...

Sadness and laughter...

Accomplishments and failures

Her ocean-blue eyes now have a golden glow

They sparkle when the sun sets

Why?

Because she broke the chains on her wrists

Those who don't rid of them usually spiritually die

Your heart will beat faster for certain people

Unfortunately, your head doesn't work the same way

So many situations will pull at your heartstrings

It's kind of a tragic beautiful human work of art

Just remember, head over heart

Emotions fade away

You're still here

Live for now

Use your head

Live for today

[christiancurrywritten]

Said

One big breath in, she said

Now close your eyes

Picture me there with you

-The cold water was quickly taking them-

I'm holding your head up the best I can

You know i'm not like the others

I will do everything in my power

I won't let you drown, she said

-Even as tired as she felt already-

Now pray, she said

Pray baby, don't cry, just pray with me

Everything will be okay

-He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and prayed-

But mommy i'm afraid, he said

It's Good Friday mommy

The day that Jesus died for us

Are we going to die for him today?, he asked

-She wanted to break in every single way-

No baby, he's here with us, she said

Today? He asked

Yes my love, today

We will not drown here, she said

How do you know mommy?

How do you know he won't let us die? He asked

Because baby, I've met him before

He's absolutely in love with us

Completely obsessed

Especially with you

-She saw a branch hanging from a tree just a few feet away-

Are your eyes still closed? She asked, but could clearly see

His eyes were tightly shut

Fear embraced his entire little body

-The water was freezing-

She knew it was time to push him away

On this very horrible Good Friday

-And so she finally did-

Baby? She asked

Yea?

See the branch right there coming up to us?

Yes...

I need you to grab hold and never let go, she said

That branch is going to keep your head above water

Then you will be found, saved, and forever love-captured

What do you mean? He asked

Don't miss this opportunity little one

He's reaching out to you...calling you

No worries baby...he'll save me too, she said

-He panicked and needed a distraction-

I need you to know on this Good Friday

I'm just your mommy...

I'm nothing compared to who Jesus is and his love for you

So take a deep breath baby, she said

It's time to let go of me and hold on to your heavenly Daddy

-Deep breaths in-

He grabbed on to the branch ever-so-tightly

-Why?-

Because he trusted Jesus

And he trusted his mommy

-Driftwood was underneath the water-

Good Friday was the day Jesus died for us

He gave up everything

He suffered on a wooden cross, they say

Nails in his hands and feet

Kind of like the giant splinters that went into the boy's mommy's

Life won't always be easy, I say

Stop trying to force it

Pray about it

Neither of them ended up dead...

"I'll never leave you nor forsake you" Jesus said

[christiancurrywritten]

April Shadows

I lost an amazing friend today

He walked right out of my life

Kind of like how the sun leaves the sky at night

Like I meant nothing

Just a daily routine

I can't help but wonder if he's really going to be okay

What if he breaks?

What if I'm not there to prop him up in time of need?

What if I can't be there to make his day?

I can't be...

He won't let me

I've lost very few friends this way

I guess that's something I should be proud to say

Yet I'm hurting so much right now

Since the moment he called to say...

"I don't want you in my life anymore"

"I like you too much to be around you"

...

And so the ugly shadows begin to form

The very shadows I thought I had gotten rid of

They're back and bigger than before

The fear of fake friends, fake people...

I can't handle it

I won't let this one guy ruin me completely

He's shown me he's a shadow-man

Brings shadows wherever he goes

He breaks hearts... but I'm not just anyone...

I'll dance

I'll dance in the shadows until the sun returns

Just like he treated me...

He'll be just another nothing

It's what he made himself out to be to me

Shadows are dark and can be scary

He however is not

He's unfortunately a great guy...

We met in February

Now it's April

Such a beautiful month usually

This time it caught a case of cruelty

He chose it though...

The shadows over the sun

The shadows over me

So I'm going to let go now

I'm ready

Let the April showers flow and the shadows fade

[christiancurrywritten]

Some nights hurt more than others

Some nights I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try

No matter how tightly I shut my eyes

I find myself literally begging Jesus for his help

He’ll get back to me

Eventually…

In the meantime I’m left twisting and turning

Fluffing the pillow

Just waiting…

Waiting for that incredible sense of peace

That peace that will come to engulf me completely

——————————————

But I’m thinking of you tonight

Wondering if everything is ok…

If you and your family are doing alright

It makes my chest feel heavy and my mind wonder

Wonder to the darkest corner of my thoughts

It’s scary here honestly

————————————

Jesus, please hurry

The anxiety is overwhelming

I swear it sometimes feels like I’m dying

Like I’m slipping away ever so slowly

I can’t breathe

Don’t let the wave of fear take over me

Please Daddy, don’t let the monster get me

I believe

I believe you don’t want this for me

This sense of suffering

But thank you for always watching over me

———————————————

Now it’s so late yet so early

My eyes are stinging

Do you ever just feel like crying?

Something tells me it’s time…

Time to let the thought of you go

Why does it have to hurt so much though?

———————————————

God I know you’re here and I know it’s time

Time to rest

To close my eyes

The dark place is passing

Finally

Thank you

Thanks for always rescuing me when I feel I’m drowning

My chest feels a bit lighter now

Tears are finally gently falling; it’s kind of freeing

This pain

This pain is actually quite a beautiful feeling

Humbling…

—————————————-

You…

You came with a heavy price

And I’ve paid it

I still pay it on nights like tonight

It’s time for me to let you go

A spectacular place where dreams live is calling

Let me answer?

…Please?

Jesus is here with me now…

So It’s all going to be okay

Don’t worry

Maybe we’ll meet another time in the sweetest of dreams

Or maybe just in my favorite memories…

With all my love and sorrow,

Me

[christiancurrywritten]

Let’s add a little broken.

Let’s throw in a pinch of regret.

Into this huge ass bubbling cauldron.

But whatever we do…

We mustn’t forget!

You did this to us.

You and you alone.

Oh so powerful you must be!

Isn’t that what you always wanted?

Except…

I’m absolutely lying.

For your sake…

I will forgive you and let you be.

You fucking snake.

You live in this perfect world…

Dreaming up this “perfect” girl.

I just didn’t realize that meant I had to be flawless

Painless

Trauma-less…

You labeled me “unstable” because I showed emotion in front of you once.

Well shit…I’m no pussy.

I didn’t realize you couldn’t handle the “instability”.

You coward.

You little bitch.

No balls to be found…

Disappointment all the fuckety-fuck around.

I thought you were smart, cute, and so dreamy for a second…

Then you turned your back on me because I wasn’t that fake ass perfection…

That perfect you so naïvely pursue and actually believe is a thing.

It’s cute…

However, you of all should know when not to believe.

Mr. Science.

Grow up.

LEARN, live, laugh, & love.

Now what if we add those ingredients into our cauldron?

What would come of it honestly?

Unfortunately we’ll never know…

But possibly…

Just maybe…

A better you?

And a better me?

Together

As a bad ass, -flying with the eagles- team?

Yea…

At least let me dream.

I see the the bubbles bubbling!

Here we come scattered about as different mysterious-looking liquids.

Although I’m pretty sure that’s you there that looks more like scum…

It’s okay though kid.

Just stick with me, (literally)…&

Something crazy & beautiful

We’ll be.

🖤

[christiancurrywritten]

What is love?

What do YOU think of when you think of love?

I asked a friend last night if he still believed it’s real

When we were kids we did…

Back then it was such a big deal

Now, I ask myself what the hell is it?

Has love changed?

Or has my mind simply become completely deranged? 

I’m talking about raw love by the way…

The kind you’d literally give your life for

You’d suffer for it any and every day

See, I know there’s love for my kids

But what about men? “Romantic love”

Ugh

It’s a pain is what it is

My friend said he wasn’t sure anymore…

That was discouraging

Yet there I was talking to a man I once absolutely adored

Now we just meaninglessly f*ck

Crazy, isn’t it?

So what does does it mean to you? This… “love”?

[christiancurrywritten]

I’m breaking down…

See that clear water river flowing?

I can feel it running through my veins

Cleansing me

Possessing all of me

My chest stings when I’m here

In this place

I can be me though

Here, I am no mistake

See that sparkling river flowing ever so gently?

It reminds me of my uncle

So sweet

Transparent

Calm

A gentle soul

I miss him, you know?

But you…

You take my breath away

Literally

Every. Single. Day.

Those clear blue eyes

Those perfect pink lips

That sexy deep voice

The voice that makes me feel I’m wrapped in my favorite blanket and am completely protected

God I love you

See that crisp sweet river flowing?

You make me feel like this river

I’m just floating blissfully with you in mind

Do you want me too?

The way I want you?

God I hope you do

I’m breaking down

[christiancurrywritten]

Lonesome

She knows all about it

Every night she listens to his stupid sad songs

She even made a playlist

And every night she wonders why

Every night she feels that heart-wrenching pain

The kind that physically hurts and can make you want to die

She wants it to be over

She wants these feelings she has for this man to be some nightmare or a lie

Every night she feels completely alone 

Every night she wonders what heaven is like

Her beauty means much to men but nothing to her

Every night she tries to fall asleep without feeling spite

Every night at least one tear falls down her cheek

Every night she struggles to avoid dreams of him

She struggles to fall asleep

She closes her eyes and sees his looking back at her

She wonders what she did wrong 

When did he become such a liar? 

Are they really all the same? 

Are they really so much alike?

She thought better of him

Now she wonders why...

Every single night

[christiancurrywritten]

WORDS

Every time I take a breath I wonder why

Why?

Why did I get to stay?

Why did he have to die?

I need to understand each breath I take now

I don’t know why

Just tell me how

How can I deserve to live and breathe?

I know I meant the world to him

But he meant so much more to me

Without him, my being doesn’t want to be

I want to fade away

Let me fly with him

I don’t think I’ll be okay until that day

Without his laugh what is this life?

Until we’re together again

I don’t think I’ll be alright

The sun still comes up every morning

But it’s not the same

It doesn’t shine as bright

Come back home my heart

This pain I feel

This pain is ripping me apart

The distance is too far this time

Tell me why

I need to understand each breath I take

Ever since I opened my eyes that Wednesday night

I’ve never been the same

I can’t even write down your fucking name

I break and I break

Can you see me still?

So many years later?

I’d give anything for you to give me those chills

I feel so shattered

I’ve been battered

You’re the only one that ever truly loved me

Why?

Why did it take me two years to see you there?

And why?

Why when I finally let you in, you disappeared?

My heart, know that I don’t blame you

But every breath I breathe hurts so much

Panic takes over

God please tell me why

I’ve been lost since one Wednesday night in 2005

It rained at your funeral

No thunder

No lightning

Only the sound of soft rain pouring from the sky

Yet at my front door I sat there waiting

Just waiting to hear that door open

Waiting to see your smile and hear your voice

Maybe some day we will meet again

We’ll take walks

And you can take all the ugly photos of me you want

Just promise to never leave my side

Without you

Without you my being doesn’t want to be

Tell me

Why did I get to live?

But you had to die

I love you and I miss you every day

I know you’d want to hear I’m alright

But you know I never could lie

Don’t worry, my heart

I’ll tell your mom and dad you said goodbye and goodnight

[christiancurrywritten]

I’m so lost Without you 
I’m in a black hole 
Wondering around day after day Like a zombie 
Never finding my way 
My path is getting thinner and I’m tiring 
My heart feels smaller Kind of like I’m dying 
Where are you? What is it like where you are? 
Are you happy? 
Did you ever think you’d end up so far? 
I get chest pains when I think of you now 
Where are you? 
I miss you so much old friend 
I want to keep living but I have to ask myself how 
How do I move forward when you left me so far behind? I’m barely making it without you I just want to pause life and hit rewind 
Rewind to the last time I saw your smile and heard your laugh 
I wish I had known it would be the very last time 
Where are you? 
Are you happy? 
Do you have birthdays where you are? 
Or are you still 19 years old? 
Did you ever think you’d end up so far? 
I didn’t 
That’s for sure 
Am I suppose to look up into the night’s sky and wish upon some star? 
I don’t want that though I want you I want you back in my arms 
Is that possible? 
Am I asking too much? 
Is it really that hard? 
Where are you? 
Are you happy where you are?

[christiancurrywritten]

An Unhappy Mommy’s Day

I don’t feel I’ve earned a “happy mothers day” to be honest

In fact, I feel I should be put to death for leaving them

I have my reasons of course

But what does that matter to them?

They’re only kids...they don’t understand

They don’t understand I left for them

I drove 10 hours away to save them

I needed to better myself to be the mommy they think I am

The mommy I’ve always pretended to be

Happy and “okay”

Truth is I’m not okay

So I thought I could find myself by moving away

Distance doesn’t change a thing

I miss them so fucking much

I’m autistic; I don’t like people much, yet they’re my favorite human beings

Honestly

What the hell is wrong with me?

Yes, I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety

But that’s not on them

That’s only on me

I didn’t ask for it

But a lot of us didn’t ASK for a lot of things

Am I wrong?

In some ways...it feels so

I only know I love them more than anything else in this world 

And I just can’t let go

I just need them to know

I always wanted them both...

Happy mothers day