TW: CSA
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I’ve had a memory for a while of being 8 and googling “people having sex” on the computer at my house, my older sister slapped my hands off the keyboard and closed the browser window before I could click anything after “search”. It’s always bothered me, I was EIGHT. How did I know to look that up? How did I know what sex was in any capacity? Most of my childhood is gone, my memories empty until well into middle school. However, with the recent release of the Epstein Files, I’ve been dealing with triggers related to middle school CSA and COCSA. All of these were after the Google incident, though.
However, the other day, my brain decided to unlock something. My egg donor is an addict. Coke, crack, alcohol, whatever. When I was little, my sister in school and my dad at work, my egg donor would have me alone in the house. I don’t remember many details, but I remember men and fear and being held down. I remember my egg donor being there, watching, waiting to get her end of the deal. I remember crying afterword.
On the one hand, I do appreciate the closure. On the other hand, I wish she was dead.
