Nothing in my life makes sense. I’ve moved away from home with a boyfriend I’m drifting apart from and I’m holding on to my best friend like a life raft. Only problem is, she can’t hold both our weight. I’ve never made friends easily. I have a hard time getting past the superficial. I don’t really want to go deeper with most people. I have trust issues. Insecurity issues. Abandonment issues. You name it, I’ve got it. Letting people in is an invitation to judge. I don’t want people to know the real me. I have rejection issues.... The friends that I do make I lose easily. I can’t maintain relationships. I like beginnings, but I’m not that great at middles or ends. You could say I have a problem with “follow through”.
I’m not sure what it is? It’s possible that I settle for the instant gratification. I meet someone new, and we hit it off and hang out a few times and I feel great and like I’m making progress and I feel so much better about my situation. So much so, that I gradually stop spending time with them. Once you get to a certain point people start expecting more from you. Not necessarily a higher quantity of time spent, but a higher quality. People crave deep attachment. To know and understand others so they can see if the reflecting pool inside of your soul could show them something a little familiar. Well, my reflecting pool is private. Blocked off and no one’s allowed to wade.
Maybe I just get bored? Maybe once the thrills of budding friendship are gone and all that’s left is emotional and mental maintenance I bail. I’m not good at sugar-coating things or at making people feel better. I’m good at giving my exact opinion and saying exactly what I think and feel. I’m REALLY good at telling people the things they’re least likely to want to hear. And let’s face it, at a certain point of friendship you’re done with the fun getting to know each other part. Swapping war stories, listening to music in cars, going for long walks. The stories you swap get grim. The music you listen to makes you cry. And when you go for long walks you no longer get winded from trying to speak as much as you can with every falling foot step. You walk in silence. You don’t want to tell me about your day or your boyfriend or your shitty job because I’ll just tell you the exact ways it’s in your control, or that maybe you’re wrong. I guess I’ve lost some of sympathy.
I don’t try to be mean. I really don’t. It’s coming from a place that genuinely cares and wants to help. Also, I HATE lying. I detest it. If you come to me with your problems or for advice I’m going to be brutally honest. I’m not going to coddle you and tell you all the reasons you’re right. If you’re being a shit head I’m going to let you know. Even if it makes you upset or uncomfortable. I feel like telling people what they want to hear does a disservice to them. I think challenging people’s perception of their actions and ideals is what strengthens them, and as a friend all I want is to be someone who helps the people I love be the best versions of themselves. Sometimes that means nudging them into acknowledging their mistakes and terrible choices so that the next time they can do better.
I do feel as though these traits make me unloveable. Confrontational. Abrasive. It’s hard to find people who can look past these qualities and still want to be my friend.
Or you know, maybe I gave up before they could decide for themselves.
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