Chumans of Chu York

My name is Jo. In the Spring of 2015, I decided to go on a spiritual journey to visit every Walmart in Kuwait. While I was making the long and arduous trek, I learned of a people called Chumans. Unfortunately, immediately after I learned about Chumans, my supply of dried moose strips, a Canadian staple, ran out. Once I had restocked, I set out to document the life of one particular Chuman and follow her around Chu York. While I didn't reach every Walmart I had initially wanted to, I did manage to pay a visit to all suppliers of retainer cases in Burkina Faso. Welcome to Chu York. It's been waiting for you. -Chular Swift 

[chumansofchuyork]

“My platform is based on the concept of running away from all your problems.”

[chumansofchuyork]

“They say to never put all your eggs in one basket, but what they don’t tell you is that that rule doesn’t apply when you’re on a turtle.”

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“They’re coming for you. Run.”

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“My mother always told me that I wasn’t enough. But look where I am today.”

[chumansofchuyork]

“This is the flag of the United State of Newbould. The design of the flag is much like Japan’s, but instead of a red circle representing the sun, we have Newbould’s face representing Newbould. We scattered some boats around to give the country a more boat-y feel. You know what they say, home is where the boats are.”

[chumansofchuyork]

“I drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.”

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“I lost my feet in a breakdancing accident two years ago. It’s a shame 'cause I was in the middle of CRUSHING this one dude named Bevin who was a total dick to me, but my feet just disintegrated. I couldn’t afford actual prosthetics, so I hit up the local Mickey D’s for some hamburgers to replace my feet. They get the job done at a fraction of the cost, so I’ve decided to embrace this new look! I’m just trying to have a positive outlook on a tragic event.”

[chumansofchuyork]

did this chuman ever go tokyo to expand her line of business to international sizes?

(Pt I.)

[chumansofchuyork]

I mean one of your affiliates is POCARI SWEAT ~ ION WATER

(Pt. II)

Oh, m’child, it is a pity to see how you have been lied to your whole life. Pocari Sweat is not from Japan. It is not even “ION WATER.” That’s what the Big Man wants you to believe. But we’re about to get down to the nitty gritty truth. 

Pocari Sweat was founded by Bernie, the manager at the dried moose strip factory. It was his side job, his undercover project if you will. Why did he keep his operation a secret? Because he was bottling baby moose tears, the most precious commodity in Canada. 

Nevertheless, the authorities soon became suspicious. Bernie had to move his undercover operation to an undisclosed region in Japan. He promptly changed the name of his company from “MooseTears‘R’Us” to the unassuming “Pocari Sweat - ION WATER.”

From this isolated location, Bernie was able to get down to work. The process worked like this: Bernie knew that the use of labels (such as the brand name “Pocari Sweat”) was an extremely demoralizing practice—how would you feel if someone labeled your tears to indulge in the contents of your pain? That’s right, you would be overcome by sadness and burst out in tears. Extrapolating from this logic, Bernie discovered that every time he uttered “Pocari Sweat,” a baby moose would produce enough tears for a single bottle of Pocari Sweat. Thus, modern day capitalism was born. 

[chumansofchuyork]

Due to the popularity of the chuman traffic light post, we’re excited to announce an upcoming movie about this chuman’s inspirational story! Here’s a sneak peek. Folks, it’s taken a lot of energy and a lot of focus to get where we are today. Life isn’t always easy, except when it’s easy mac. Then it’s real easy. Except when you don’t add water. Are you even supposed to add water? Who knows. If we knew, life would be easy. 

[chumansofchuyork]

“I moved to Chu York City last month to fulfill my dream of becoming a chuman traffic light.”

[chumansofchuyork]

“Puberty was a weird time for me. All the other girls were talking about the cutest boys and reading fashion magazines, but I never fit in with any of them. I guess growing 1264.76848 feet in one month didn’t help me that much socially. Within a month, I killed all of my closest friends by accidentally stepping on them. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. On the plus side, instead of getting my period, I got the ability to puke faces out of my mouth, so that’s pretty cool I guess. But I also killed half my family that way. Oh well, that’s just life.”

[chumansofchuyork]

where did you learn your spectacular photoshop skills?

You can’t believe it’s not butter, but I hope you can believe it’s not photoshop. As a photographer, I would never deceive you. Except if I wanted to make you eat dried moose strips. Everything you see on this blog is 100% natural. It’s unposed. It’s candid. Hell, chu doesn’t even know I’m taking her quotes. I just record her sleep talking after she’s eaten dried moose strips and is having a nightmare. Life is short. Sometimes it’s long, but more often it’s short. And that begs the question: what’s shorter, life or a shortened pair of shorts? 

Thank you for your time. In the immortal words of Chugrid:

Yer a dried moose strip, Harry. 

[chumansofchuyork]

“God, I hate it when George Washington is all up in my space in the New York Harbor. Why can’t I show a little Canadian pride without the founder of the United States of America stalking my every move?”

[chumansofchuyork]

"Oh, this? This isn't a helmet. I have a condition that makes the top of my head look like a watermelon. I was born this way. My mom's vagina still hasn't recovered. Every day is a struggle. I don't have any kids because I need to pay for her treatment. Or maybe it's because my head is a f*cking watermelon."

[chumansofchuyork]

how did chu get the inspiration chu make this website?

When I was a young grasshopper, my mother told me that we were all put on this planet for a reason. I grew up thinking that my function was to supply the entire northwest territories with dried moose strips, and I worked towards that goal every day of my life. At the tender age of 12, I realized my plan wasn’t going to work out - no one except me liked dried moose strips. So I set out on a reflective journey with only two things in my bag - a camera and a bag of dried moose strips. I was walking through the desert when my dried moose strips ran out, and I was forced to put food coloring in sand, pretend it was cake, and eat it. After 40 days of this, I had a vision. Bernie, my old boss at the dried moose strip factory, was standing before me. Before he could say anything, I woke up.

Now here’s part II of our story. There have been some historic runs on this planet. Prefontaine, 1972 Olympic Trials. Rupp, Prefontaine Classic. Cain, Boston Terrier Invitational. Newbould, Gore-Tex transalpine run. But none of these runs compare to the way I ran out of the desert (I checked my GPS afterwards, and it actually wasn’t a desert, it was the alps.) While I was running, I found an opened package of dried moose strips lying by the side of the road. I got food poisoning, but it was so worth it. There it is. There’s your answer. That’s what inspired me chu make this website. But it’s more than a website. It’s a legacy. It’s a shrine. It’s country music. 

[chumansofchuyork]

“Jesus walked on water. Babies are 70% water. I walk on babies, so I’m 70% Jesus. Oh yeah, and that’s why I’m in jail. Shit, the cops are coming for me. Get outta the way.”